Hi, everyone. Lucius again. I have just completed an offering to Asmodeus in exchange for a…favor.
I talk to spirits a lot. It helps train me to be a better magician. One of them, who I may write about later, made a random comment about my sex life. It wanted me to seek out Asmodeus to improve it.
I didn’t think much of it…but then his name started to appear absolutely everywhere, like he was trying to get my attention. Unlike the others, his desire to speak with me was very…demanding I should say. It was as if he really, really wanted to help me. I won’t get into details, but the signs he gave me were along the verbal lines of “Talk to me now, dammit!”
The signs became unavoidable and obvious, so I eventually did. His energy was strong and sporadic, perhaps the strongest I’ve felt yet. Asmodeus’ personality was very…comical. He loves to poke fun at things, even at me, which I didn’t mind. In my view it makes an individual more likable.
In exchange for my favor, he desired a red candle. Didn’t really say why…but I did not question it. I got the candle and his framed sigil, and proceeded to make the offering. The conversation went something like this:
As I got the items ready, I had a random thought: “Lights off.” So I got up and turned off the lights.
I sat back down and focused on his sigil, calling his name. He told me before that he preferred I don’t use his enn, and just call him by “Asmodeus”.
Asmodeus: Its about time! I thought you’d never call me. You’re late, Lucius!
Me: Apologies, I was having difficulties. I’m ready now.
We had already spoke of what I wanted before, so I figured I could just give him the offering (the candle). So I proceeded to light a match.
Me: Well, here’s my offeri-
Asmodeus: WAIT!
The match abruptly went out.
Me: (startled) Something wrong?
Asmodeus:…What was it that you wanted again?
Me: To help me lose my virginity…?
Asmodeus: Ha! That’s right! You’re trying to get laid! I knew you’d consult me eventually. A man can only hold it in for so long, I suppose.
Me: You can assist me, right?
Asmodeus: Of course I can, Lucius! But first you have to tell me exactly what you want. What’s your type?
Me: Well… I don’t…-
Asmodeus: NU-UH, no ‘I don’t know’. you do know. you won’t tell me. sexual repression, which stems from your previous Christian past. its part of the reason you have such a problem getting laid in the first place! You’re starting to sound just like the christians. ‘Fornication is bad!’…‘my holy book tells me not to enjoy my life!’…‘I’m going to hold back one of my greatest biological desires!’ Now Lucius…be honest. You want to hit some sugar walls, don’t you?
Me: Well, there’s no need to put it that way…
Asmodeus: Don’t you!?
Me:Well, yes-
Asmodeus: Then say that, you horny twat! I want to help you get laid! Now… what kind of woman do you desire?
I proceeded to tell him, confidently now.
Asmodeus: Good god…you really let me have it, didn’t you?
Me: Well you told me not to hold back…that’s what I want.
Asmodeus: Well, Lucius, if I’m going to be honest, if you want to maintain that kind of rotation, you have a lot of work to do upon yourself.
Me: Umm… ouch. So, does this mean you can’t help me?
Asmodeus: Ha! Nonsense! I can definitely help you! But as for you maintaining such a type of woman on your own, you need serious work upon yourself.
Me: What more do I need?
Asmodeus: Well, the issue doesn’t lie in your looks, I can tell you that. You’re at least an 8!
Me: It can’t be that high…
Asmodeus: (slightly annoyed) aaaaaaaannnnddddd that brings me to my next point: your looks says 8, but your confidence says 3. Read my spiritual lips, Lucius: no woman wants a coward! no woman wants a man who isn’t confident in himself! That’s the most important thing! You pay so much attention to how you look; working out all the damn time…eating that nasty vegan shit…getting the best clothing possible… but do you ever consider whats going on inside yourself?
Me: No…
Asmodeus: Exactly, my friend!
Me: Well look, if you can, i’d appreciate it if you could help me with that. Could you help me become a chick magnet?
Asmodeus: I sure can! But first… I need to help you lose your virginity. Perhaps that will sky-rocket your self-esteem. Light that damn candle!
I proceeded to light a match and then light the candle. Both the match flame and the candle flame burst into a very high, strong, popping flame, scaring the shit out of me.
Me: Fuck!!
Asmodeus: YYEESS!!!
Me: Guess this means you’ll help me?
Asmodeus: Yes. You will have what you wish in one week, perhaps less.
Me: a week or less? Are you sure it can be that fast? I don’t want you to feel like you need to rush for me.
Asmodeus: Well, you do live on a college campus. It isn’t that hard to find a quick fuck, trust me. So yes, a week or less! Afterwards, we will see what to do about your confidence problem.
Me: Well, sounds great! Thank you, Asmodeus!
Asmodeus: One last thing Lucius.
Me: Uh, yeah sure.
Asmodeus: (brief silence)…Can I watch?
Me: What!? Is that a joke?
Asmodeus: Not at all! I want to see you win for myself! Is that such a bad thing? I’d like to be known as the spirit that helped you get laid for the first time.
Me: (sigh) well, I suppose since your helping me…yes, you can watch…
Asmodeus: Really?
Me: Yes.
Asmodeus: …Really-really?
Me: Yes.
Asmodeus: I don’t believe you.
Me: Well, what will it take for you to believe me?
After I said this, I saw a hand appear from out of his sigil, with a pinky up.
Asmodeus: …pinky promise?
Me: You’ve got to be shitting me…
Asmodeus: (happily) Nope!
Me: Well, alright. Okay.
We did our pinky promise and the candle flame went strong and ‘poppy’ again.
Asmodeus: Splendid! Leave this candle burning for at least an hour!
Me: Sounds good. Thanks for your help, seriously. You’re doing me a huge favor.
Asmodeus: Yeah yeah… just remember: when the time comes, I don’t want you to hold back, understand? Let go of that religious bunk and pound the woman!
Me: Of course!
Asmodeus: Also, write down of our meeting. Soon!
Me: Certainly!
He left after that, very abruptly. A very cool gentleman, if you don’t mind his sense of humor. I’ll see what happens over the week, and perhaps write about it then. Thanks for reading!
- Lucius
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