Yesterday @Mulberry told me about automatic writing. I kind of used something familiar to it before. But in drawing way. Sometimes it’s better to let you mind relax and go away (to better times haha). Draw something in chilling vibe instead of trying to push your limits for a better result. Have no thoughts at all. Kind of meditation. I often have such state when I’m looking at fire or listen the sound of the rain. The second one I love the most. So. It wasn’t hard for me to do the same with writing itself. Yesterday I’ve read Raymonds book about such practics and search for experience of other people.
I also can use the fact that English is not my first language. It’s hard to think and write when I hear songs. Songs that I understand and want to sing along. And it’s x2 harder if it’s English. When I had exams at school along ago. Idk for what reason but they decide to put in one room about 10 people. TO DO SPEECH PART. We had to record our voice at the same time doing our different tasks. They gave us headphones with simple instrumental songs to not hear each other. But we still did. It’s not a suprise. 10 people at the same room are talking at the same time after all. And nobody cared about such conditions. I weren’t able to hear my own thoughts. That’s the same if I would write in paper in English while listening to song. Especially in English. If different languages it has less affect. But still has. In such condition I would not be able to think clearly. So I decide to use it right now. To try to communicate with Belial using automatic writing while listening songs in same language.
One more thing I want to mention… Well, when I had the dreams to remind me to make corrections or just about something I must do… I’ve drawn His sigil on my left hand wrist. I did it intuitively. For no reason. Just did. When I stopped doing this I’ve stopped to have them. As for me it looked like the point. And I did something familiar to this again. But not on my wrist. On list of paper. I was first to write something. After I’ve finished it I began to sing along the song and just relax. Don’t think about a thing. When time passed a bit. My hand start to wrote… Very fast. I’ve heard words I’m writing in my head but they went really fast. I don’t think that fast in English. Maybe on my own language too. When I’m writing anything by myself I like to find some words on vocabulary. At least rewrote a lot. Cause I have a mix of 3 languages and I simply forgetting basic words and grammer because of it. If I mix them nobody around me won’t understand what I’m talking about. At that moment it was so fast and I wasn’t able to look into vocabulary . I even didn’t look at the paper. My sight was starring straight onto the window. There were some kind of queue. I’m writing, relaxing, He’s writing while I’m listening to music, I’m reading when it’s over, again write what I want to say and so over and over again continues till our conversation ended.
As a result, we had some kind of chat:
- How we can communicate with each other in productive way?
- Want to do such a thing? For what reason?
- I want to make a long term pact. Want you to help me to become the best version of myself. I can give you my time and my loyalty and dedication.
- Ha, really? Let’s go. Go ahead. But there won’t be a way back.
- I’m not afraid of it. But I need you to keep my financial status like home and basic needs to myself. Don’t took them away. I want your guidance at shadow working and self-esteem. Is it possible?
- Sure. But it won’t be that easy as you thought it would be. You will feel your soul ripped into shreds.
- I have a lot to change then. What else?
- Never beg me for help. Just ask. And don’t be so annoying. Just listen to me swkll(?)
- Sure. So, welcome?
- I would say so.
- I feel you want to tell me more. Do you?
- Don’t fucking think about people that make you feel bad. They don’t deserve you. Throw them away. In distance. Don’t beg them to be with you, to stay near you. Don’t beg anyone for anything. Have self… (?)
- But I need them rn.
- You need just only me right now. And your sister. That’s all.
You don’t have a self-guidance than I will make you to have it. My guidance will bring you to that point of no return. Point of self confidence and glory. That’s all
(for now I guess)
I’m feeling myself strange right now. And kinda exciting, not gonna lie. But isn’t it too fast to connect me so easy? Even if He was somewhere near behind me for a long time already. I don’t think He will be so… so edgy? Impatiant? Idk how to call it. Just too fast.
I also think about trying mirror as communication tool. It will take amount of time for sure. I’ve never had a familiar experience.
Hope everything will be okay