Well, let’s see.
Nobody can make you do things you don’t want to
You always have the agency to decide to do, or not do, something. You decide how you act.
There are situations in mundane life, for everybody, where we might do things we don’t necessarily desire to do, but we still have the choice to do them, they are not chosen for us. For example, my boss might ask me to work late one day. I don’t desire to stay late at work, but I choose to do so. However, I can also choose not to stay late.
Your thoughts do not control how you act. What happens when you think, “I am raising my right arm”? Try and raise your right arm, using only your thoughts, your mental conversation. Did it work? No. If you want to raise your right arm, you decide, you intend, and you act. Your thoughts do not control your actions.
Nobody can control your mind
What happens if you say to your friend, “you are raising your right arm”? They are still the only person who can decide, intend, and act to raise their right arm. Each person is in control of their own mind and therefore their own actions.
Sometimes our minds can play tricks on us (as in the case of intrusive thoughts), and this is a medical issue. But your thoughts and your actions are still under your control.
You’re not being a pain in the ass, dear, you are asking for help, which takes a lot of bravery. I hope you have found helpful advice here on BALG, and if you do choose to leave, I wish you all the best, but you are always welcome here.
While I am glad you are reaching out to people on BALG for help, I hope you are also taking care of yourself while offline, and that you are discussing your thoughts with a trusted mental health professional (e.g. a counsellor, psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist), someone who can work with you to integrate the things you have learned, and can teach you tools and skills to help you grow and develop.