I was never really happy with it and I never felt like I belonged in church.
I always felt like my prayers never got answered and that no one ever listened when I prayed
My fellow witches feel like home to me, and I’ve done a lot of channeling, some automatic journaling and evocation in my practice. I occasionally and lately more often, have waves of the anxiety of the what if.
It feels like a wave of random internal turmoil of fear, and I get pulled down by it.
I can’t understand why even tho I’m as far along as I am, I’m still held back by a notion of fear that I know is illogical.
How can I, fully move past this?
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I think I understand you.
I have a related, but different issue. I’ve been a hardcore atheist most of my life. Now I’ve to move past the doubts and the certainty that magick is bullshit. Kind of crazy, since I’ve already got results, but I think that idea in the back of my head is what’s making my magick weak and why my spells never work (working with spirits have worked).
In any event, better for you to get rid of the manicheist notion of that childish dichotomy of evil/good. Everyone probably has an agenda of their own and that agenda is mostly indiferent towards you, me and most people.
So go on ahead and approach any spirit as just some random stranger in the street that can get done what you want to get done. Introduce yourself and speak. Being nice usually gets good will, so that would be a good starting point.
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I’ve been doing it for closer to two years now, I’ve made a lot of connections with Lilith, Azazel, Lucfier, Claunich, Behlial and others.
I hear really well, and I consider my demons as my friends.
It’s just that fear of being so involved in something that I feel that I understand but at the same time that worry that I don’t If that makes sense
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I understand and comprehend all the reasons I shouldn’t be afraid but it’s like I can’t seem to fully process and accept the fact that I am truly safe despite only ever feeling safe in my workings 
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Sounds like a remmant of your Christian days, to be honest.
If you can bond with spirits, they haven’t done anything to you and you get your results, I think is just a matter of time for those remmants to fade away on their own.
We’re NEVER truly safe, only reasonable safe. In everything. You cross the street everyday, yet everyday someone is victim of a hit and run. Magick doesn’t seem to be any different, to be honest. And that’s not a reason to live the rest of your life inside a bunker.
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The medial frontal cortex. It’s the part of the brain the creates our need for a deity in a literal sense. But I think if I’m not mistaken what you’re really after didn’t come from the church. You like all of us hunt for an existence free from Toska- basically the feeling of home.
A good community will do you wonders your break your addiction to that dopamine of ignorance. It’s scary I know, but it’s worth it I assure you. Also Christian god is super vengeful up until we killed his son? Then becomes nice? Logically if that god rules hell would be way safer anyways.
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I meant safe like in the way nothing is throwing me into some hell or whatever
That’s the only thing I have concern left with
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I been struggling with this for a while, but I feel almost Embarrassed for some reason coming fully out about it
Our brain likes it simple.
It would be so much easier if this all just wasn’t true.
And it would be even simpler if it was like your church tells you. You’d know everything, you’d know what to do. Clear rules.
But the reality is confusing at times, and it’s never black or white. You’re fully in charge and make all decisions, that can be overwhelming.
You don’t have to be embarrassed for this.
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I just want to be able to delve fully back into what I love to do magically and to fully explore literally everything
Between that and having zero energy to spare for anything let alone spell work, I haven’t made the changes that I want to make for myself using magic.
I know I’m the only one that can truly help me, but I feel stuck, confused and horribly unmotivated
This block makes it hard for me to work with lucfier even tho I like working with him and I love him and junk.
It doesn’t make any sense and I hate it
What is it that you desire that you believe will make you feel complete? If not complete at least happy on the path you’re walking?
Peace of mind tbh
I want my emotions and sense of reality to match the logic that I worked so hard to obtain with my research.
It’s like there is a heavy disconnect somewhere in myself
Idk what’s causing it or why
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Hmm 
why do you desire peace of mind? Have you had it? And what makes you seek it?
"the amount of the universe a human can experience is statistically, like, zero percent.
You’ve got this huge universe, trillions of trillions of miles of empty space between galaxies, and all a human can perceive is a little tunnel a few feet wide and a few feet long in front of our eyes.
We don’t really live in the universe at all, we live inside our brains. All we can see is like a blurry little pinhole in a blindfold, and the rest is filled in by our imagination.
So whatever we think of the world, whether you think the world is cruel or good, cold or hot, wet or dry, big or small. that comes entirely from inside your head and nowhere else."
I tend to agree with the sentiment.
With it though logic and reason are only as meaningful as you make them. I shouldn’t say that I work with AI for a living but it’s sadly the case in that as well
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I have had it before, a couple months ago I felt peace and for a while.
It’s just lately I’ve got all weird on myself
I think a lot of this stuff about struggling with Christian fears has less to do with some imaginary sky god being angry, and more wanting to be accepted by a group of people, and perhaps more importantly, the mainstream. On the other hand, being a Christian in certain circles, or at least practicing Christianity in certain ways can get you ostracized and even affect your employment.
No ideology is really safe. You can’t make everybody like you. Some people are going to be intolerant and dislike you no matter what. I think being a christian is almost more about the appearance of moral righteousness, rather than actually being morally righteous, appearing to be spiritual even if you are not, and having faith even when you have doubts.
Belial told me I don’t need religion, and at first I was skeptical, I didn’t really believe him. Even though church never really made me happy, I wanted it to do so. I wanted to be accepted and liked by others, and that was more important that if demons are real and if they really want to help us. Also, I had tried atheism briefly as a young teenager, and lost my will to live and put up with suffering. (unlike Christianity that gave suffering meaning and purpose not matter how bad things get.) For a while I would have considered myself agnostic, or perhaps spiritual but not religious, basically I believed in god, but had lots of doubts about the church, sometimes I went anyway, but mostly I didn’t.
I think one thing that really helped me was to come to a real understanding about how religion actually works. Some of the things I learned were just so disgusting I won’t repeat them here. But basically this, when we eat his flesh and drink his blood, we become him, and what do you think happens when we give offerings to demons, or more importantly offer our blood? No, seriously people you really have to think hard about the so called mysteries of the faith, not in a dogmatic way, but in a natural way, such as who taught John the baptist? How are religions actually formed (the monotheistic ones that is) and other crap like that. No, really study and think about it. Read, and do experiments. Please don’t take my word on any kind of blind faith that what I say is correct.
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I don’t feel like it is me wanting to belong or being accepted. I didn’t grow up going to church, my parents are Christians but my father wanted me to grow up and make my own decisions on what I believed.
I guess its just the process of reversing the brainwash…
It’s incredibly frustrating for me because I don’t agree with most of anything that goes along with that belief.
But yet, somehow it still bothers me sometimes and I don’t want anything to do with those doubts anymore. They do nothing for me
I just read this quote whenever I’m feeling the deus tug of the Terran plane. Makes me snap out of it real quickly.
Blockquote
Is that what God does?He helps?
Tell me, why didn’t God help my innocent friend who died for no reason while the guilty ran free?
Okay. Fine. Forget the one offs.
How about the countless wars declared in his name?
Okay. Fine. Let’s skip the random, meaningless murder for a second , shall we?
How about the racist, sexist, phobia soup we’ve all been drowning in because of him?
And I’m not just talking about Jesus.
I’m talking about all organized religion.
Exclusive groups created to manage control.
A dealer getting people hooked on the drug of hope.
His followers, nothing but addicts who want their hit of bullshit to keep their dopamine of ignorance.
Addicts.
Afraid to believe the truth.
That there is no order.
There is no power.
That,
all religions are just metastasizing mind worms, meant to divide us
so it’s easier to rule us by the charlatans that wanna run us.
All we are to them are paying fanboys of their poorly-written sci-fi franchise.
If I don’t listen to my imaginary friend, why the fuck should I listen to yours?
People think their worship’s some key to happiness.
That’s just how he owns you.
Even I’m not crazy enough to believe that distortion of reality.
So fuck God. He’s not a good enough scapegoat for me.
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I appreciate that thank you.
Azazel showed me something one day that’s always helped me when I came back to struggles of it
I was looking up some things about him, he tells me to go five days back and had me open a link
No mention of his name anywhere on the page
It was a passage in the Bible dealing with God being angry because someone didn’t circumsize their son.
I totally acknowledge how ridiculous all of it is, which is why I been getting really frustrated that I’m dealing with this fear still. I want it to die so bad.
I work with angels as well as demons, well 90% demons and I have a couple angels I’ll work with.
And they even tell me I’m completely fine.
So how does that work that I still even have any worries 
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He’s in the book of Enoch. He gives the first spear to man kind and lead the Gregorian watcher angels before falling. Straight up omitted from the Bible except in the Eritrean Orthodox. I’m a big fan of arguing about theology so I’ve read pretty much every variant. I’ve got a top 150 most horrifying passages as well as contradicting concepts 
I mean hey if you can rock the dichotomy resonance more power to ya, I much prefer the static to the sharp horn but that’s just me.
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