I would say two months ago.
I understand you dude. Magic is difficult if you cannot abstract yourself from satisfying your little desires. You need to take emotions somewhere, you need to be sure that your energy can really do magic. Uncertainty, depression, anger prevent you from doing magic.
I also understood a lot about myself, but understanding alone is not enough. Many people need help from stronger magicians. Hope someone can help you here. By help, I mean intercession, perhaps work with spirits that could help you open your third eye, strengthen your spiritual feelings - clairvoyance, clairaudience and intensify vibrations so that the barrier of perception of reality is broken from the outside, so that the seen reality helps you to be more confident.
And as far as sinful desires are concerned, there is nothing wrong with that. At the very least, you can compensate for their realization with good deeds: if you want power, use it for good, if you want debauchery and corrupt people, look for those who want to be corrupted, if you want to do evil, do it to the villains.
From now on, Im reading BALG headlines as “someone” vs “I”.
Words are interesting things. As far as self hatred, I hear you on that. The trick is coming to the point where you just dont really give a fuck about anyones opinion of you, as theyre not wearing your shoes and walking in them.
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I have to point out, that everything you are describing is actually part of the process of Ascending. From self realization of things you believe you are, to the things you wish to have, to the magnitude of the feelings you have towards all of these thoughts, it is all, ironically, part of the process of Ascension.
You are doing exactly what you need to do to become who you want to be, not only by doing what you described, but also by making your post. You will get it, maybe not in the exact way you imagine, because that is part.of the current you, not the future you who will actually obtain these things.
Quantum entanglement is a bitch, I know, but you will get there. Good luck, friend.
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What spirits would you prefer or does it matter. I noticed after I wrote the topic, my mind I said Satan and I saw 1:11.
Reading your post has me wanting to give a little advice, i was in the same boat as you and kinda still am, when it comes to magick you shouldnt approach it as wanting too many material things such as fame power money etc. even though i understand you have attatchments to these things as we all do.
You said you started magick for these obsessions that you have and if thats your goal (to manifest these things) than i think you should give it your all to achieve your desires. Magick is all about self acknowledgement, magick isnt a scape goat, in magick or any path, you always need to acknowledge your self and inner divinity as to actually be able to practice magick.
Depending on wich path your on magick itself will actually unfold to you when you are ready. If youre unable to manifest anything or get anything out of magick, than maybe you need to work through your obsessions and attatchments first. When i first started i needed to work through many blockages that i had created for myself and i am still to this day doing inner work.
In order for your magick to work you need an open avenues and a proper mindset. Its all about desire and intention and energy. It sounds to me like your not putting anything behind your intentions and magick. You should do some meditation and basic exercises to attune yourself and become a better vehicle for your magick. Its all about self acknowledgement.
And Your never forced to travel down a pathway you dont want to take. Try some meditation techniques and find out what it is you really want. Also you could work through some of your shadow self to integrate these problems. If they are all you think about than you should work through them. And never let any attatchments over run you to point of self sabotage.
When you let these desires run ramped in your mind and life is when all effort will go to waste. Try working on some grounding and root yourself. Become attatched to the obsession of achieving your goals even if that means working through your negative aspects, no matter what arises always focus on what is in front of you and occurrent in your life. the way you put HATE, all caps makes me want to hate you. I dont even know you. but thats how you presented yourself and if thats how you carry yourself than who is gonna care? (NOBODY) your only damaging yourself beyond repair. Its all self sabotage. No disrespect.
You have what you need to work through these things you just need to apply yourself. Work through all of the basics, meditation, yoga, kundalini work, breath work, exercise your senses and internal daemon. Exercise your shadow self. Keep applying yourself until you find exactly what it is you truly are great at. and one more thing (CHANGE YO MINDSET!!!)
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I tried self hate once and it’s a load of bollocks as everything and everyone gives to you what you are giving yourself and that includes the universe It thinks" if you want to hate yourself I can help you with that " and lo and behold you get vastly more of the same and it’s shit.
Instead I went out in to the garden one night and announced to the universe that I was no longer going to put up with this crap and you can pile it on all you like but from today I am fighting back no longer will I tollerate rubbish, I want what everyone else has and by the way you are going to help me get it.
That was the start of my magickal career and since then I no longer have a deficit in the bank at the end of the month and good things happen nobody treats me like shit any more only total respect and life is wonderful, am I a millionaire …no… but way way ahead of where I was 5 years ago.
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Humanity’s underlying condition is self loathing and psychologically speaking it derives from some form of abandonment . In individuals it takes on many forms beginning, but not necessarily ending in childhood. In the species it results from what some have coined " cosmic abandonment". I assure you it’s totally normal. Or at least it’s totally normalized by that species.
Whether or not it is healthy or advantageous I leave your feelings , the current state of the planet and the pages of history to testify.
On the path of magick this is normal. When it first happened to me it was after digesting 3-4 books a week for two years straight and listening to thousands of hours of lectures, documentaries and podcasts 50 hours a week at work. I assumed the position of the Hermit and that position is difficult. It meant willingly traversing the darkness within and dispelling that which I passively accepted as light. It meant the destruction of everything I thought I was and knew. It left me blank in my mind and fuckin angry about it too. To be in my 30s and have no identity was like neo looking at the reality of life for the first time. For months I couldn’t get work. Couldn’t hardly eat. Had to fight not drive head on into a semi on the rare occasion I mustered the strength to leave the house. Cursing god, myself the universe Everytime I regained consciousness in the morning , loathing that I had not died in my sleep. For me it was what was known as the dark night of the soul. I don’t know if you’re depressed or if this is your dark night. But look into it. You could be on the precipice of a major spiritual revolution. Just know that if you are, some may not tell you, bit there are only two choices : succumb and die or get up and fight. Fight to the death. There is no half measure. There is no tap out. and honestly, some don’t make it. Rest assured though, the Hermit chose that path. He not only sojourns through the darkness of life ,inside as well as outside, he holds his lamp not only for his vision but as a beacon to others that they may partake of his knowledge in the self same quest , ensuring none of us is ever without the strength of number and common course. Do not give up, even when this world has you backed into a corner . Always fight and let you’re answer to them who stand in your way be
" Because fuck you, that’s why. "
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I’m not very good at gematria, so I can’t tell you what these numbers mean. But, I can assume that you should turn to Samael (He is also called Satan in Christianity, which is not entirely true, but it makes sense) and his wives. I even read here once that they give people a different look at their sexuality, teach how to use it correctly and how to stop hating themselves. Naama, Lilith and Samael can show you together how to accept yourself. In addition, Agrath bat Makhlat is a demoness of anger, and she teaches you to manage your hatred and anger and can affect your energy in this regard.
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Okay thanks. I actually used to read and research a lot about Samael.
I have learned that my anger and hatred towards myself comes from ENVY. I was envious of others who I thought were better than me, who seemed to be more talented, more gifted, more special than me. I constantly belittled myself because I saw myself as a failure compared to others. Asked myself why I could not do the same thing as others do, constantly comparing myself to others and always trying to meet expectations that were not exactly realistic because I pushed myself to move faster or else I was deemed worthless and a failure. Watching everyone else having the things they wanted while I felt stuck with pain and regret made me empty which led to me feeling like my life was meaningless. I compared myself to others as well as trying to be like everyone else and being what others wanted me to be because I had no real identity of my own and I was afraid to find it because I gave power to the opinions of my own negative thoughts that were irrational. But I don’t want to live like that anymore, however, I am not sure what I want to do, I can’t really find my inner center to ground myself nor my inner voice, it’s like being in total darkness as if I am in the chapter of Genesis where all was darkness and I don’t know how to turn on the light. The world I once knew is now gone as if I am going through a revelation I once heard E.A.Koetting talked about when he was working with the gatekeepers. I have noticed I am still trying to cling to the old world of being a slave to others and my thoughts because it will be the first time when all the choices I make will be on me and no one else. I carry alot of demons in my head and Doubt is by far the loudest. It keeps trying to give me excuses why I should not move on and stay where I am but there is nothing for me in the old world now. And now I feel like I am back to square 1 which scares me because I am not sure if I am going to make a mistake or not since there is no one here to hold my hand like a child and make decisions for me. However, ROME WAS NOT BUILT IN A DAY as the saying goes.
Moral of the story: ENVY is like a spoiled little brat, and like any spoiled little brat, it will cry, whine, and scream at you until you give it what it wants
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I needed this. I hate myself too but reading these replies really helped me.
Wow now i understand where this hate of mine is coming from, I really need to start loving myself.
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Honestly, I dont believe in anything anymore. So my advice is, you wanna be envy, be envy, you wanna be greed, be greed. Just quit peddling fairytales to people who have real needs in life.
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Sorry if it came out as peddling a fairytale. That wasn’t my intention.
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He has other problems going on. It didn’t don’t worry
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I stand by my point. Change or dont, its up to each one of us.
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Not really true at all. You can do some damn good effective magic while depressed, angry, and uncertain. The problem is, that the magick you do may end up being for things you don’t actually want because you impulsively asked for someone (or something) and let go of the stuff you really cared about. That is why a lot of people bad mouth demons even if they get what they asked for, cause they got so desperate they got a lot of stuff they didn’t want.
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I’m sorry to read this, and that I missed replying to your post before now.
I’m pretty rushed off my feet right now but maybe I can share some of the stuff which has helped me figure things out shortly. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting material comforts, status, and pleasure, and the idea these are wrong often comes from misconceptions of what are fundamentally Hindu beliefs about renunciation of the world, yet within that worldview, the pursuit of material success, personal advancement, and so on, are acknowledged as legitimate goals.
Meanwhile, does any of this click with you? Urgent Warning About "The Law Of Attraction" ⚠
Because that is a method which is very focused upon improving one’s material life and personality, and inner wellbeing, and not on judging yourself for being the human you were born to be. 
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It was necessary to clarify that if you know how to use these emotions in magic, then they help. And if not, then they simply take away energy, and when you do some kind of magical ritual, you just feel empty and weak-willed.
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Is it just be or in the last few months there has been an increase of topics with this theme. My $0.02 is that an academic approach is often best-suited for magick i.e. for many results are not achieved by rolling out of bed, aimlessly chanting an enn and absent-mindedly looking at a sigil. There are various systems of magick and many times it would do good if you dedicate even an hour a week reading up on a system or systems in an organized way.
What is the intent of your magick, are you focusing when doing the magick, do you have the right tools? Have you spiritually clean to be conducting magick. Yes spiritual hygiene is important.
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