Hey everyone, I’m making this post, because I seriously need help. I thought when I came into the Occult and Magick, it would make my life easy, if not better, especially with my home life: Even before the path I picked, I was always an abuse victim of my own father, who has always treated me like an Employee (or Tool) to keep on making me perform tasks, that I had no training for, ever since my childhood, though it got much worse after I graduated High School, where he literally yelled at me every day to wake up, go to his failing Auto Shop (Yeah it’s a Ma & Pa Shop, that barely has customers), and is constantly bothered by lowlives and Tweakers, that keeps showing up, even a couple of them attacked me (like running after me with a pipe wrench, made threats to my life), and my Father acts like this is normal, like this is the way of life when I’ve seen cases where it isn’t. I’m constantly put on a Pedastal, where he thinks I’m his firstborn, and I automatically know everything about Cars, and support his third world mindset, yeah he’s from Iran, which made my Social life bad (nobody wanted to date or befriend me), especially in this Climate.
So, yeah this leads me to my current situation: I’m horribly depressed, low self-esteem stressed, and suicidal, I’ve had an attempt one time back in April of 2019, where I tried to swerve my father’s favorite utility truck that he makes me drive (and I fucking hate the truck, it’s difficult for me to maneuver) towards an oncoming Semi-truck, and all I could think about in the time was the idea of never waking up to my father yelling at me, making me feel worthless, and to end my loneliness. Though the driver’s horn scared me out of, and I ended up driving back to my lane, and when I went to the shop, I cried so damn hard. I’m also scared I may have that sensation to do it again, and when I told my father this, he didn’t care, he tries mental disorders like they don’t exist, he’s that third world, where he doesn’t believe mental health is a thing.
I also have anxiety, while I’m stuck at the Auto-shop, where my chest tightens and I have a hard time breathing because all the memories I had here come flooding back, like Tweakers attacking me, Mom crying in the office, and a shit load of other things I have never resolved. And like my only way to cope is go online and watch YouTube videos.
I’m posting this, so I can have someone’s help, since I’ve emailed one Therapist (don’t know if they’ll take my Medicare insurance), and maybe find a Magician here who can heal me or tell me what I should do, so I’m not a victim anymore, or feel helpless. So, if anyone can help me, please reply or PMing me.