And I realized that the hardest, yet most efficient magic was : to live. To live. Literally.
I stopped trying to die, cut away 90% of my self hurting behavior, started to ate at least 3 times a day, and restarted exercising when it’s not rainy.
It was the hardest magic for me to perform (since I wanted death so desperately and eagerly) but lo. Father Odin made me to perform that hardest magic and I followed his will, not knowing that I’m doing so.
Now I’m doing small rune magic almost every day, in a healthier-than-before state, and I think that depression(which tormented me for nearly 11 years) has left me. It’s really magical. No doctor or psychiatrist helped me, just Odin and I myself did so.
Of course I know that my time will come, but I think it’s not now. I strongly assume there are still some work which Allfather wants me to do.
Hopeful ending? Maybe not so hopeful(because I and my family are economically endangered now because of pandemic situation)? But I think I have to constantly perform my hardest magic. My time will come regardless of me liking it or not, won’t it? 
