I guess my greatest fear

Is to make the choice that existence is painful and willingly fade away. I worry if I work with the qlipoth, I’ll have to face it. I know it’ll have to happen. But I’m worried I won’t be strong enough. I want to continue existing. How do I arm myself and discover that strength.

You don’t have to work the qlipoth if you don’t want to, if you think the end results will be something that you do not want, then why do it?

Know that you are a god.
As Crowley stated “Every man and woman is a star.”
We are destined, hopefully in this lifetime, to transcend. What transcendence means to you, well, is up to you. If possible, become a naughty vampire god.

If I could just find the will to get there

Perhaps try working with the Sephiroth first, before the Qlippoth.