I feel like I'm being pulled in different directions spiritually (intro)

Hello. I’m Krass, new here. I need a bit of guidance. Here’s a brief background:

  • Was born in a muslim culture, never really followed the teachings, for some reason it just didn’t gel with me
  • I’ve always been searching for “the Truth” even when I was muslim. Left the religion and identified as atheist. Toyed with atheism for a while but it was just as ridiculous as religion in a sense
  • Lost my marriage when my ex wife found out about my new beliefs. Islam doesn’t tolerate atheism. Actually islam doesn’t tolerate anything much that is outside of its narrow path. We have a five year old daughter. Coparenting right now. All is well. She has since remarried.
  • I’m now single again and working on my career. I had to start over since our finances were pretty much intertwined because well that’s how marriage works.
  • Career is going great, going to the gym regularly and in good shape. No love life although I’m getting interest from women but I just tell them it’s too soon for me to be in another serious commitment

So that’s pretty much my background. I found meditation practice some time last year and I’ve been meditating, just simple Do Nothing meditation. That helped me get back on my feet.

There was one session where I took some magic mushrooms and meditated while tripping balls and that helped improve my meditation practice tremendously. I never had the urge to do mushrooms again so that was the first and last time.

Now for the bit where I need guidance. I feel like I’m being pulled in two directions:
1- There is a pull towards “just being”. I think this comes from the very non directive Do Nothing meditation I practice.
2- There’s another nagging voice that’s urging me to be more “Powerful”. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s saying I’m not “dark” enough.

The good thing about the “just be” state is that I can just decide on a routine and then “just do it”. It makes things like going to the gym, saving money, taking on freelance jobs, etc feel very effortless. I just decide how my day is going to go and just tick the items off my list like a robot.

Then there is this other voice that’s telling me to be and have more. Make more money, get a hot girlfriend, new car, social status, acquire siddhis/powers etc.

I have zero experience with the occult but I’m open to seeking guidance from anyone at all at this point.

I guess my main hang up is that I’ve been diligently cultivating this inner peace for the past year and it works and I’m very still inside right now so even though I have no qualms about heeding the other voice that calls for me to be and have more I’m not sure that I can just switch into the intensity required to take part again in human drama.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense to anyone. I hope someone can help. Thank you

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Welcome to the BALG forum.

I added " intro" to your title as it is required here that all new members introduce themselves, and this post meets the criteria so I didn’t want another member prompting you to do another one.

thanks for that yes it’s an intro post

My advice is just try a few things and see how you like it!

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Well, unfortunately I can’t tell you which direction or path to go but hopefully I can suggest a few things. The very fact that you’re here means you’re searching. An open mind is definitely the first step.

While you being pulled in different directions could be a spirit, it could be just as easily your higher self. Your higher self may be telling you that you may have to walk on a “darker” path for a while so as to bring balance between dark and light. Or there may be another reason altogether (that’s where your meditation practice will come in very useful).

Being that I’ve been apart of the Abrahamic systems (Christianity & Orthodox Judaism), I know how powerful their hold is on the individual’s mind even post-apostasy. A lot of people find it beneficial (including myself) for breaking such conditioning is to perform “blasphemy rites” and engage in things that may be considered heresy to your former religion. So for some it may be evocative to work with demons and to use that emotional intent to power a ritual or spell. For you, it may be calling upon Iblis or a djinn to create evocative potential or to break the psychological chains of Islam.

Although, blasphemy rites can be performed by a beginner, I would do much studying, planning, and self introspection before doing such a thing. It helps to understand why one would do it and what exactly your still hanging onto mentally (possibly). A bit of caution should be taken concerning djinn and as a beginner I’d hold off until you’ve worked with some spirits that are known for working well with new practitioners.

However, if you’ve never done any work with spirits it’s essential that you develop your psychic abilities. While you don’t need to see or hear the spirit to make contact or to make a request for obvious reasons it’s better that you can. So practice the basics of invocation and evocation. Learn the barebones minimum of what the basics are in magick. You’ll find all this with the forum’s search function completely free. Plus you may find new and helpful meditations.

For future reference S. Ben Qayin’s “Book of Smokeless Fire”, Baal Kadmon’s “Jinn Magick”, and Corbin Hargrove’s “Practical Jinn Magick” will get you started. As far as magick and djinn.

If none of this resignates with you then possibly consider your ancestry and go back before your family (etc.) practiced Islam. If for example, and I’m not assuming that you are or not, you’re family is from Saudi Arabia, then I’d study pre-Islamic spirituality of that region. A decent overview of this is Ibn al-Kalbi’s “Book of Idols” put out by Princeton University. If you find something that seems to being drawing you towards it then check it out. Hope this helps!

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Thank you. How do I go about awakening my psychic abilities? I know the search function exists but there are a ton of threads and I dont know which one to start with

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Here’s this:

I would look up any information here on how to get into the “Theta-Gamma Sync” (TGS), energy work, understanding & utilizing chakras, etc.

As for books “Modern Magick” by William Michael Kraig, “Summoning Spirits” by Konstantinos, “Evoking Eternity” & “Questing After Visions” by E.A. Koetting are all good to start with.

I would highly recommend, if you can afford it, BALG’s “Mastering Evocation” course. This video will wet your appetite on what the full course delves deeper in:

This above will keep you busy for months if not the a year or 2. Plus, always ask questions here and search because the level of useful information is ridiculously good. Also YouTube is your friend too. Can’t tell you how many times I couldn’t get a straight answer from an esoteric source but go on YT and see an actual demonstration.

And one last important thing don’t get stuck in the mindset that success in magick is just say the right words with the correct ritual implements. The key is your Will and your Intent.


Daily ritual helped me a lot. Keeping magick daily thing just like meditation helped me intergrate it into my life so it’s something that I miss if I don’t practice. It was recommended to me to read Jason Millers book Elements of Spellcrafting after making a silly mistake over the wording of a financial request. To ask for the things you want your life has to have avenues to bring into your reality.