Hello. I’m Krass, new here. I need a bit of guidance. Here’s a brief background:
- Was born in a muslim culture, never really followed the teachings, for some reason it just didn’t gel with me
- I’ve always been searching for “the Truth” even when I was muslim. Left the religion and identified as atheist. Toyed with atheism for a while but it was just as ridiculous as religion in a sense
- Lost my marriage when my ex wife found out about my new beliefs. Islam doesn’t tolerate atheism. Actually islam doesn’t tolerate anything much that is outside of its narrow path. We have a five year old daughter. Coparenting right now. All is well. She has since remarried.
- I’m now single again and working on my career. I had to start over since our finances were pretty much intertwined because well that’s how marriage works.
- Career is going great, going to the gym regularly and in good shape. No love life although I’m getting interest from women but I just tell them it’s too soon for me to be in another serious commitment
So that’s pretty much my background. I found meditation practice some time last year and I’ve been meditating, just simple Do Nothing meditation. That helped me get back on my feet.
There was one session where I took some magic mushrooms and meditated while tripping balls and that helped improve my meditation practice tremendously. I never had the urge to do mushrooms again so that was the first and last time.
Now for the bit where I need guidance. I feel like I’m being pulled in two directions:
1- There is a pull towards “just being”. I think this comes from the very non directive Do Nothing meditation I practice.
2- There’s another nagging voice that’s urging me to be more “Powerful”. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s saying I’m not “dark” enough.
The good thing about the “just be” state is that I can just decide on a routine and then “just do it”. It makes things like going to the gym, saving money, taking on freelance jobs, etc feel very effortless. I just decide how my day is going to go and just tick the items off my list like a robot.
Then there is this other voice that’s telling me to be and have more. Make more money, get a hot girlfriend, new car, social status, acquire siddhis/powers etc.
I have zero experience with the occult but I’m open to seeking guidance from anyone at all at this point.
I guess my main hang up is that I’ve been diligently cultivating this inner peace for the past year and it works and I’m very still inside right now so even though I have no qualms about heeding the other voice that calls for me to be and have more I’m not sure that I can just switch into the intensity required to take part again in human drama.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense to anyone. I hope someone can help. Thank you