Since I was little I was able to manifest things in my life. I’ve always had a weirdly good intuition about things, especially things regarding the occult. Because of that, I usually go straight into things without reading up on much, or doing much of a ritual, my intuition usually guides me on that, very well at most times. I’ve always attributed that to me having witch blood in me from both sides of my family, however reading on all the rituals, the time and effort people put in to it, I often feel as if I’m doing something wrong, or perhaps that I’m delusional for knowing + doing things with no knowing before hand. I often feel+think that what I know is delusional + the things that randomly pop in my head on how to do things is delusion. Even if what I know is real and legitimate, never really get confirmation on it.
I believe that that fear of being delusional + fear of not knowing if I’m wrong or not, is killing alot of my manifestations and is making me depressed. Like all day I’ve just been depressed and feeling guilty asf and I have no clue why, I haven’t done anything.
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
Ultimately no one can convince you it isn’t delusion but yourself. Besides, if it works, then what does it matter? I am somewhat the same, I do a lot of experimental visualisation/astral work/direct magick. Your thoughts give power to your workings. Make up your mind that what you’re doing is real/accurate/worthwhile/actually works. It’ll take conscious effort and repetition to impress that into your subconscious mind if your consciousness is telling you otherwise. But, ultimately, faith/conviction/belief is the cornerstone of magic, and if you are convinced that what you do works or has some effect, then it will be so.
Maybe is a sign you should work closely with the shadows. They sometimes attack a magician with induced ideas of fear and guilt which kind of reduces the vibration. Once the shadow is embraced there is a powerful Ascension going on. Lots fear the shadows but they are very helpful to Blackmagicians.
everyone is feeling like shit nowadays, you are not alone. The whole world is pretty much fucked due to the current events. It’s mostly the astrological energies, so it isn’t even personal.
I have found, that whatever tradition you come from, there are always people that will tell you… “You are doing this wrong” But the only way to improve or grow is to learn to listen to your own self telling you what is right. That said, I always believe when I feel that way I need to find some kind of control set or control group. Sometimes that is a measuring of results through journaling or sometimes it is friends who are on my side, but will give me honest feedback. I have also found that learning more traditional routes, to understand them and to work with them can only fire my imagination and improve my effectiveness if I continue to trust myself. In short, you are not wrong and learning can always make you more effective.
Yeah, I used to worry about that a lot, that somehow I was the one going crazy. Now it seems there is so much crazy these days I feel downright normal. Like, wow, seeing stuff that isn’t supposed to be there seems really normal compared to other stuff that I realize other people are experiencing right now. So, I’ve decided to embrace the crazy, and who needs people who want you to be depressed, they are the enemy.
I want to add some of it is defiantly tied to the pandemic and the imposed isolation, The fact that so many people are isolated forces a certain kind of spiritual evolution whether people like it or not, just like the isolation period in the Abramelin imposed upon people for six to eighteen months, except forced upon everyone whether they want spiritual evolution or not.
Like Koetting once said your logical brain will screw you everytime giving the chance,the truth is if you believe and dont hold too tight on the idea it going to work or not then your gravy.Believe in yourself and your magick,even if you believe yourself to be mad as a hatter.
I am also both intuitively spiritual and a skeptic, I totally get how you feel. But I am glad a part of me remains skeptical. It motivates me to always contemplate on things. Use that skepticism to discern between things you can trust and things you take with a grain of salt. Even if you read up and research not just using your intuition, not everything written out there is legitimate, actually, a lot are not. So hold on to that ability to be critical. It will help you in the long run. You may feel you’re moving slower than everyone, but how do you know what they actually achieve, aside from what they claim? Follow your intuition and your brain, let them fight it out, take notes of the consistencies and inconsistencies. You will slowly but surely grow, and it will be worth it.