By died i mean metaphorically, i had an overnight transformation to where i now am reforming my own beliefs, life direction, practices, and who i am at a core level.
For context, i have to describe my previous identity and who i was before: Before today i was working through the qliphoth, working with satan, and considered myself the almighty and ineffable creator of my own life (Not so much in a egotistic way), i considered conquest my birth right in a wealth-gaining type of way, and i was actually quiteā¦ sociopathic. Dont get me wrong i wasnt a bad person to be around, i was kind to those who i felt deserved it but anywayā¦
I was brought up in the Jehovahs Witness BS and as people who have experienced it would know: I havent felt adequately loved in life, by anyone, infact my adult life has been filled with fear, shame, guilt, and condemnationā¦ but i fought through it all with bravery and courage. Im not gonna go into ALL my trauma here but iāll give you a snippet.
Ive tasted death to a level that most of my age havent tasted. My grandad who was the only one who actually took interest in what i did and showed me the adequate attention i deserved as a child died when id just turned 18, my dad almost died 2 or 3 years after during covid, then my aunt died and last year in 2024 my sister died of an anneurism, then my friend who was so much like me in the ways of ambition and goals died.
Ive dealt with alot of death and all that also added to my pains of being judged, condemned and alone. Not only that but i had no support group, i couldnt go to my parents because i didnt feel comfortable doing so, i couldnt go to my sisters side of the family because they arent emotionally inclined (theyād just tell me to get on with it pretty much or āthats lifeā) and the rest of my family is isolated and fragmented from eachother.
So with all that being saidā¦ last night i broke. I buckled, my whole world came crashing in after id had yet another argument with my parents about my practices (id put all the pain of the arguments behind me). My mom and i got in an argument about the ouija board id brought. You know what christian parents are like? Well try jehovahs witness parentsā¦ you get the picture.
Butā¦ in that breaking and the after the fact desire to want to string myself up around the nearest tree something new was born. I feel a false sense actually died last night and ive became who i really am even more than i was before. I actually dont care as much about peoples judgement anymore, im just getting on with life. Ive also adopted God (not through a christian lens or even a religious, but simply God/The Creator) and i feel more at peace and loved and supported than ever before. I feel this is who i am more so than before.
I wasnt that sociopathic, conquest-desiring person, although i still want wealth i dont perceive it to be a war or a struggle anymore. Simply something that im becoming and doing. Im also a lot kinder and i like to give if i have things to give (not emptying myself out while doing so though) alot more now.
Anyway, this me is a better me. Im sure i was under alot of chaos because of the qliphoth and im grateful for that, because without the chaos i wouldnt of died how i did.
Thanks for reading!
