I have done some wild things lately, and sort of threatened suicide more than once or twice. People thought i was doing some fucky shit, and honestly im tired and very mortified to imagine what the negative effects will be moving forwards.
I made so many people hate me, and i realize now that even though i tried to change nothing helped, and even if i did change it doesn’t matter. Because this is no longer a matter of me being good enough. it’s just a matter of how gone i am. i would like to be completely gone.
I dont want to be cared about by everyone involved in this. i want them to watch me turn into a super-super background character in their lives and lose all relevance. I want to be able to move past this myself. I dont want tension. I just want peace here. That is enough.
So how do i do this, because the way it seems going forward this way will just bring me into a way deeper depression
It sounds like workings for “inner peace” might reduce and help solve some of those external things that won’t matter in a few years. Couple those with some hard work and honestly looking inwards (to find things to work on), should help you crawl out of the hole you probably want to sinker further into.
Most of those people’s importance will disappear when you get done with school.
Maybe you should look at and start practicing Taoism, even if just as a philosophy. I used it after the War to help get back more to center. It’s not flashy or anything like that, but sometimes we need a framework to start from, to give us a (more) stable base to enable us to make measurable progress. Eventually, we leave the framework to expand our experiences, but a framework is useful and, just like a house’s foundation, is necessary to get our footing and start to build off of.
You can try a general cord-cutting as well. I’ve found it useful in the past to wipe the slate clean of emotional entanglements and such. might have to adapt it to work on yourself or perhaps multiple people.