How do I bind myself from obsession and codependency?

General Discussion
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I have a pretty hard time in my love life. I have MANY options (like literally crazy abundance) and men always going above and beyond to pursue me… yet the SECOND I sense a guy is emotionally unavailable (even if interested in me) I get crazy about them.

I know this in reality has nothing to do with the man himself, but with me. Because before they exhibited behaviours that might point towards that, I never even found them super attractive or super interesting. I am aware this is probably related to childhood neglect and abandonment issues from my parents etc… but even with me being self-aware about this, I can’t help it. And funny enough, these guys ironically always deem ME out of their league as well and end up admitting it to me or others (which is partially what makes them “unavailable” or afraid to be fully vulnerable to me).

I had a horrible and toxic co-dependent connection with his guy that I walked away from like 6 months ago but i decided I knew better and wouldn’t let myself remain obsessive towards him because it wasn’t healthy and I didn’t even like him THAT much, I just saw him as unavailable subconsciously. He’s still trying to interact with me to this day but I gained the power to keep my distance and I’m much happier… or was until now.

Fast forward to this new guy. I don’t know if the universe is trying to test me or teach me a lesson or what. But he might as well be a copy of the other guy (regarding unavailability especially). He seems promiscuous… and like he is dating multiple girls or talking to many (like the other guy was initially before he became obsessed with me) and he has crazy lust for me. I haven’t slept with him or anything but literally him just being around me he gets a boner LOL. Again, ironically - he deems me out of his league according to a mutual acquaintance.

So he these men themselves acknowledge I deserve better/I’m too attractive or good for them but SOLELY because I can sense they can’t give me what I deserve, my brain goes deep into a horrible spiral of trying to “fix” it and I cannot stop thinking about them. It’s completely irrational and stupid and I know I can’t attract the relationship that will be genuinely good for me in my life if I keep going down this route. How do I resolve this and rid myself of this horrible mental obsession?

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As a woman with a similar past and with similar experiences in terms of “undoing” the past by “healing” the emotionally unavailable guy (and having the happy ending that my past child self couldn’t have in that regard) I can only give you the advice to try out shadow work/shadow integration. And to stay as far away as possible from such dudes in the meantime, because intellectually you and I and everybody knows that these dudes will not suddenly turn around and change for the sake of somebody else.

It is what it is with them and no well meant attempt to make them get better will ever stick for long. I would go as far and say as long as you haven’t really realized and processed your own internal patterns any kind of love spell you would place on someone else would simply magnify your already existing obsession for them.

Understanding your own thought and behaviour patterns (shit will hurt, not going to lie) will give you enough self-regard and self-control to keep you out of the scope of the same bullshit that will otherwise repeat itself until the cows come home. Search for “shadow work” on the forum, many members have had their own experiences with it already.

Edit: to me this stuff actually made me more aware about the sort of man I was originally after when I was younger. I find these men in my own environment now, and I learned a lot about myself when I observed their interactions with others. I finally understood what I actually needed vs. what I thought I needed and I can imagine that it will make things a lot easier for you when you can identify what you really need in a partner :slight_smile:

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