Honestly overwhelmed - Long post

A bit of forewarning, if you’re not here to honestly help others along their path, then there is no need for you here, look elsewhere. In this possibly long post, I ramble about me. My feelings, my problems, and my shortcomings, if you’re not willing to read through this and learn about me, so that I may find peace and help, look elsewhere. Lastly, if you’re only going to judge me for who I am or have done, look elsewhere, and may Lucifer guide your path of pride to a burning lake. No hostility intended, but people who look at others and only think of their own success, without helping others, can rot, and those that look down upon others that are in the same situation as them at the start, and have only contempt, can burn. No one individual is special and worth more than the next, especially since any person or thing can be brought so low, they wish they never existed. Nothing is powerful enough to avoid destruction. Death, sure, absolute annihilation by something more powerful? No. Remember, there’s always someone or something more powerful than you.

With that being said, and possibly on the verge of violating the rules, for if it does, I apologies, let me know and I’ll edit it out, here are the rambling of madness.

I’ve been on this site, reading and trying to learn and gain both spiritual and physical knowledge, however I’m honestly a bit lost and slightly discouraged. I made a post a few days ago asking where a beginner should start and I got an exceptional reply of threads to begin reading, and I have. I now realise that my inquiry was incorrect. I asked where a beginner should start, when I should have asked how one should start.

Treat me as a child, for I am as ignorant as a newborn. I can’t visualise stuff, because I don’t know if it’s mentally or actually seeing stuff, like with my physical eyes, as one would see a room, either dark or light, and can see the objects in that room clearly.

Visually, with my eyes, I see nothing but what is physical. Mentally, I see… concepts is the best way to put it. I can imagine an apple, I know it’s shape, for I have seen one before. I can’t see the colour. I can’t imagine the taste, for I have tasted an apple. I can’t imagine feeling the skin, for I have felt the skin. I know, but cannot experience. I don’t dream in colour. I see a shirt, I know it is red, but I see that it’s not a colour. Not even black or grey, for those are colours. I dream completely colorless, or as much as I can tell.

I’ve tried doing visualisation exercises but I haven’t a clue on what I should be doing since I keep reading conflicting accounts and different ways to train it.

It’s like I’ve been thrown into the middle of the ocean without knowing how to swim or even tread water, I’m literally just sinking and flailing about, hoping to grasp something to keep myself afloat.

I’d like to start off by saying that I currently pray to Lucifer. Just pray. No alter, or rituals to do, since I don’t know which ones are real and work, and which ones are created to either cause harm or make you seem like an idiot. My prayer includes me laying in my dark bedroom talking to Lucifer, which could be whatever was on my mind that day, or tired ramblings, or praying for guidance and the money or opportunity so that I can live comfortably and help others learn about him. Always finishing it off with a “so mote it be” for I know of nothing else.

I’ve lit a red candle whilst praying a few times, and I’ve even done a little thing where I washed my body with a rag while praying for him to cleanse my vessel, since I’m not to sure I have a soul anymore, in front of a burning candle of red and white. I happened to be facing east as well. I lit a white candle to cleanse the room while I prepared a bowl of soupy water and a wash rag. After I had stripped and was ready to cleanse myself, I blew out the white candle and lit the red one while starting the praying to Lucifer, after I had cleansed myself fully and finished my prayer, I blew out the red candle and relit the white one. After a few moments I lit both and tried practising meditation. I don’t know why I did all this, but I had a thought that it might be appropriate. At least once.

I can’t meditate. I’ve been practising, or trying too, but I don’t know how. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, so my thoughts are always rampant. I’m always thinking about three or more things at any given time and focusing just doesn’t happen. I’ve tried several techniques, but it always just feels like I’m laying there, not doing anything. I don’t feel my body get heavy, I don’t completely relax, I don’t get heightened awareness or anything. It’s literally like I’m just laying there, with just my thoughts.

I’m a skeptic. Always have been, even though I’ve experienced slight paranormal activities. A picture had been taken of my cat, but in the background was a curtain covering a sliding glass door and on one side, where the door didn’t slide open, was this thing leaning out of the curtain. The details I remember are fuzzy, but it wasn’t a trick of the light or a shadow. It was too dark for that. It was just a being with long unkempt black hair, probably mid back length, leaning shoulders out around the corner of the curtain with the hair covering it’s face. I’ve tried finding the picture, but it’s since vanished.

I also have a picture of me as a child, still wearing diapers but able to walk, so maybe three or four years old. It was a picture taken of a reflection in glass of me and my grandfather. One of those early 2000 picture ideas people thought were cool, but standing next to me was another child that appeared to be wearing clothing from before we had the telegraph. Either leather or cotton cap with a tunic, not a shirt, trousers and buckled shoes with long socks. I still have this picture, but the figure has faded almost completely only leaving a ghastly wide sharp teeth filled grin. I can show the picture if those who want to help me want to see it.

My last paranormal experience was late at night after I had fallen asleep. Around this time, I lived with my grandparents and a couple times my grandpa would come to my window and wake me up to let him in, since he would be locked out, I tell you this because one night I heard my grandpa call my name. Just my name, and not in any alarming way, just like he was trying to rouse me from sleep or to get my attention, I also heard my grandma’s voice say my name too, but I think her voice was first, I can’t completely remember, it was like they were trying to get my attention, I can’t describe the tone for I haven’t heard it since from anyone. I woke up, still half asleep and I told the voice. Who I thought was my grandpa, to hold on, I’ll let him in and I stumbled to my back door. This is a different house than the one the dark figure showed up in a picture from earlier, but it is a part of that house. I live in a duplex, two houses that are attached side by side like one large house. I stumbled to my back door and opened it, it was completely dark outside. At this point I started to wake up and notice the strange situation I was in. I hurriedly closed and locked the back door, going to the kitchen to check the time, I know it was past 1am but I can’t remember exactly when it was, but being extremely confused, I went and woke up my grandparents, who were sleeping soundly, and asked if they called me, they didn’t.

These were the only experiences I’ve had. I come from a family of christians and I have been baptized when I was younger. My grandma also claims that her great grandfather, so my great great great grandfather, was the messenger for a Christian prophet. The prophet couldn’t read or write so my great whatever, did it for him. My grand father, the great great great one, in case you got lost on who I was referencing, was also the priest or pastor of his own church. So for all my supposedly holy blood, I don’t think I was born with any faith for I see the Christian God as vile and a liar if he exists.

I want to believe in ghosts, spirits, gods and demons, but I’m cursed by a logical and overly scientific brain. I want faith. I want to believe in Lucifer. I need to believe in him and others. I am a broken mortal. I’m empty, I don’t seem to have guilt, empathy or sympathy. My emotions seem to consist of rage and hatred. Even when I was younger, I think I was consumed by this emptiness. I knew a kid couldn’t swim, but I pushed him into a pool and laughed. I tried to stab an uncle when he made me angry. I did a lot of horrible things as a child.

I had an ex who was supposedly a Wiccan or pagan. She whispered in my ear and entertained thoughts of grandeur, telling me stuff that doesn’t make sense. Like there’s two being inside of me. A demon of some kind, and a being so old and cold that makes my true name the name of the coldest thing in existence. A race of beings colder than absolute zero. I once tried to enchant something using a ritual she had. The necklace inexplicably blew apart weeks later when she went to put it on. She’s apparently tried to cast magic on me, only for it to either not work, slide off me, or just fall apart, like the nail holding a shelf together was removed from her spell, causing it to become completely inert. I’ve met jealous witch who liked my ex and apparently communed with wolves and told me she was an alpha, threaten me with a liver infection spell. Stopped talking to her and never had a liver infection.

I’ve looked up a prayer to moon goddess and her vampire children when I was a few years younger, said prayer at night and to the moon so she could send her vampiric children to me so they can change me.

I’m most likely more than a little unhinged and probably even into insane territory. There are so many things wrong with me and this is the first time I’m telling someone. The first time I’ve even written it out.

I don’t know why I’m putting all this out there for others to pick at. Maybe in hopes of one of you understanding who I am, or perhaps what I am. Maybe because this has become a great burden on me. Maybe I’m fed up with being weak. It could be a lot of things, all I know is that I hope I can be helped and that I hope I can believe and experience great things. I’m tired of remaining in a bubble. I’m tired of remaining in my reality. I want to grow so that I may escape my demons, or grow so that I may befriend them. I don’t want to drown.

I’ve realised that I’ve been looking for a reason to stay alive. It can’t be for myself or family or friends because I don’t care how much pain it would cause, so long as it all ends for me. I would like my reason to keep living to be to grow powerful enough to stand in Lucifer’s army, or another, and cut out the corruption that eats away at me. Be it though a cleansing of fire or filled with the blackest void. I hunger for more, even if I become the void that is trapped deep within me. Especially if I become the void inside me. I hope out hope that there’s a path of the void out there. Pure emptiness. No ego. Immutable and infinite, forever devouring.

Perhaps this is a cry from parts of me I don’t yet understand. I know I’ve said a lot, I know I probably sound like a maniac. Maybe I’m actually insane and beyond help, but if there is anyone that reads this that has had real experiences with occultism or magic and can help me, I implore you. At first I will be insufferable to work with. Lazy, no work or study ethic, no knowledge on what to do, but that will change as I begin to grow in knowledge and have experienced of my own.

To recap, I can’t visualise, I can’t meditate. My chakras are probably so clogged and blocked there not even there and I possibly have a demon or void inside of me. When I think of my aura, I think of a purple so dark, it looks black. I probably have an unhealthy obsession with vampires. And I don’t want to drown. I need a teacher of some kind to help me get started or well put together instructions, for I’m not even a beginner. I’m a babe.

I do hope I gain something from putting all of this out there, or perhaps I’m lost and forsaken and these doors are closed to me. However, I choose to trust in Lucifer to guide me to where I need to be.


Arent these the same thing?

Bro, even your long post says the problem in itself, you have no control over your thoughts.

I dont know if it will work for you but, take a praying bead, set a time frame, count how much thoughts you had, try to reduce it everyday.
You certainly dont need absence of mind but important thing is they shouldnt effect you.
Also you can try to reduce the phrases of your thouhts like, lets say, big delicious red apple.

Remove big, then remove the other, then another etc…

I wont touch that Lucifer praying part, not much of a prayer but sometimes I ask help of Archangel Raphael, yea it works for me.

You can do magic without sensing anything but concentrate my man, godspeed.

1 Like

So, that’s a bit alarming, may mean you have some kind of parasite and obviously it’s going to block you and play tricks with your mind.

There’s no reason to not be scientific, I love science. But belief is a necessary component in magick because as I explained in the simple evocation guide, you have to create some energy for the spirit to manifest into.

Without the effort to dispel disbelief, it’ll be like trying to convince someone radio waves are real, but they refuse to use a radio to tune in.

YOU need to make the decision first to commit, to make a leap of faith that we’re not all insane and that you can also start to reclaim your birthright of communicating with spirits etc.

Unless that comes from within you, it;s going to turn into a game of people busting their ass (that’s if you’re lucky) to try and reach you, and your mind running amok trying every trick in the book to get free and pick apart their advice.

You can set yourself a deadline, say 2 months, to suspend disbelief and do what’s necessary, that way you can write it off if you get nowhere. But like I say in the welcome PM (that most people get from me, for technical reasons not all) - we’re not going to convert anyone, we all have our own agendas and work to do.

Daydream about kissing someone you find hot, daydreaming in general is great training, desire is useful because it’s heavily based on the visual sense for most people.

Try this: step-by-step walk through on structuring and visualisation.

I’m not offering to mentor you here because again, time and other commitments but if you post what happened in this thread after you’ve given that a try, if I have time or another members does that’s the best way to get help.


Yeah, so… how would I go about cleansing myself of said parasite or cleansing myself in general of all malicious things? If I’m to grow, having shackles isn’t the best thing. I’ve come to a understanding that developing my chakras and keeping them open and clean can help with some of my problems and progress my desired growth.

Another question for the road, how do I go about getting rid of disbelief? As I said in my post, I want to believe, I just don’t know how since I was either born with no faith, or have lost it so long ago I no longer recognise it. Do I just say “I believe” to myself over and over until it becomes true?

1 Like

The first bit, cleansing, do some research on here.

The 2nd part, you need to get your head around the basic concept that you are not your thoughts, not even your emotions, these are functions of your true self which lies beneath and behind them, which in the first stages is just you.

You already do this, if you’ve ever felt proud or guilty, there is a you who observes the way you have thought or acted, somewhat as though it was observing someone else.

You’re not always so caught up that you cannot step back and see, “This thing I did was wise, and that thing was foolish.”

Once you can step back and observe that you’re not 100% immersed in your thoughts, you can start to choose themn, like choosing to do a thing you didn’t feel like doing.

In this case, play-act, as though you’re either a child playing a game, or an adult acting out a role.

If I asked you to imagine how it feels to be stuck on a burning pirate ship, and you have to climb a rope ladder to safety on another vessel, you could probably summon up enough belief to be able to act it out convincingly?

Same thing with magick. This is why a lot of us who started young do really well, the line between playing and actually believing you’re doing these incredible things is far thinner.

If you can remember the last time anything you watched (TV, movies, music) evoked some emotion, that’s the same kind of function at work, the co-creative imagination within.


I am/was the same, I have an extremely analytical personality, but the two don’t need to be mutually exclusive. There’s far more to this existence that we don’t know than we do.
If you had a time machine and travelled back a few hundred years, and showed them your phone, you’d probably be burned at the stake. WiFi for example, invisible signals in the air that we can’t perceive but the results of which can clearly be seen…there’s a quote by Arthur c Clarke I believe, something along the lines of “any technology sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from magic”. Now, do you believe we know enough about the nature of this universe to entirely discount the possibility of beings and forces existent beyond our perception? I think making that statement would be entirely unscientific at this time.
Science is the pursuit of knowledge, it shouldn’t be used to discount that which we don’t yet know.

1 Like

You don’t need visualization to perform successful magick. That’s only one tool or skill, if you can’t then don’t. Meditation simply means concentration. You meditated to write this post… concentrated on your thoughts and expressed them exactly as they were in your mind, using words. You can meditate, you just did.

Forget about chakras and aura … no need to make things too complicated now. You need to start with something that works and not difficult for your current skills.

Try Gallery of Magick systems/books. My recommended books from them : Archangels of Magick - Demons of Magick. They’re mainly for beginners with zero experience whatsoever. And they use emotions instead of visualization.

That should be enough for you to start. Later on, you can take one of EA Koetting’s online courses, I suggest his “black magick” course. If you want even more than that, request mentoring so he - or anyone else - can work with you personally until you reach the level of skills and results that you seek from your practice.


Hey Morpheus,

So there’s a lot of ground to cover here. I think @Lady_Eva, as always hit this right on the head.

^ The belief that spirituality, physicality, and mentality are three separate and distinct things that work separate from each other is a hold over from Abrahamic toxicity to prevent us from reaching our full potential. These religions destroyed science for 800 years and left us to toil away in our own filth. It was only when the knowledge of the ancients was reborn in the renaissance that we began to grow again. Physicality means keeping your body in tip top shape, spirituality means nourishing your soul through understanding the spiritual processes that bore you into this life, and mentality means the acceptance that in order to truly understand the place of the other two we must accept a rational and systemic understanding of our universe.

Yes it is. This is a cry for help but you’re not crazy and you’re not a maniac. Similar to what Lady Eva was saying about a parasite, I spent about ten years wandering through the shadows. I fell, and I fell hard. Once upon a time I was able to look at the sky and see this inextricable web of life, of incredible colors all through my third eye. How every single thing is connected like neurons in a brain. I encountered an entity, I think it was an elemental, that latched on to me for about a decade and wouldn’t let go. It would allow me to reach certain aspects of success in my life and then slice me down. I got rid of it by doing a spell with a descendant of the witch trials.

One thing I have to ask is if you do work with crystals? Some the necklace exploding makes me thing you’re vibrating at a really high frequency in spite of your self diagnosed blocked chakras. I would start working with selenite and then change over to moldavite in a few months. This should basically pressure wash the gunk from your chakras and put you back in alignment. Selenite is 100% a dream amplifier and something expands psychic energy rapidly. Once your crown and root chakra are mostly clear, the others tend to feel the pressure the most and open up/declog on their own.

Never settle for dirt cheap crystals, always go for the ones with higher vibrations. I personally hate amethyst and quartz with a fiery passion.

Now, as far as Lucifer is concerned, I have no experience working with him. I’ve typically worked with the ancient Greek gods with the Norse sometimes extending a helping hand. I’ve only just recently started working with demons, myself. Archangels I will not, shall not, and refuse to work with but that’s a whole other story for another time.

“Same thing with magick. This is why a lot of us who started young do really well, the line between playing and actually believing you’re doing these incredible things is far thinner.”

^ I can also attest that this is 100% accurate. I started practicing witch craft after a nun beat the living day lights out of me at bible school. I was around 6 or 7. For those of us that were in touch, that remembered what came before, it’s significantly easier to keep that foot firmly planted in the other world even as life tries to corrupt us. For those who are trying to grow and expand into that other realm of thought and evolve their own power, it’s a different game.

I truly wish we could give you a road map with all the pit stops and gas stations marked along the way to enlightenment but, unfortunately everyone’s road is significantly different but with basic commonalities like what Lady Eva has marked in her posts.

Best of luck man.


No, I don’t work with crystals, but if they can help then I have to start, is there a guide I can read on how to use crystals? Thanks for all the info!

1 Like

Hey bud no problem.

I’d recommend starting off on beginner high vibration stones like lapis lazuli and/or labradorite. Both of these stones will put you into the dream world and help with your difficulty to dream and visualize. I can’t really give you a time line but after you’ve worn these for a while and magic starts becoming reflexive, you can move onto tektites like moldavite and Libyan glass or selenite.

^very decent resource for what you’re gonna need.

1 Like

Also when working with these stones keep them on your person or in your auric field at all times, you want them to meld to you.

I’d go even further and say that the scientific method is, or should be, at the heart of effective, results-driven magick.


Many thanks!! SO many thanks for the example… I was a sailor, and the only place to go on a ship that is on fire is into the drink! No other place to go. Jump in and believe! (Did I just hit on something proverbial there)?

1 Like