Got stuck with doubts, need an advice

Alright, it s not easy for me to correctly express my thoughts from my native language into English, so, please, pardon me for any misconceptions and misunderstatings

It all started around a year ago, when I brought my ass to JoS site where I was interested in theirs list of demons and description of them. That’s where my attention was caught by an Astaroth. This spirit’s whole story from being a Mesopotamian goddess of love and war to ending as a male Goetian demon touched me quite a bit. After that his\her (still struggle with that) name had sometimes pop in my head.

During several months later my further interest in this spirit have been slowly increasing by itself what finally made me to search some information on him\her. That was the way I have found BALG. A few days of searching and wandering through this forum made me completly amazed.

Finally, I realized that it could be some kind of calling from this spirit and I should try to “answer” it. But my medical university decided otherwise, so I was fully consumed by studying process which had left me not even a bit of spare time every day.

Anyway, one day I got an intention out of the blue to draw Astaroth’s sigil on a piece of paper. After many tries and measurments I did a pretty accurate one. That gave me a strange feeling like something pleasant deep inside. Moreover, some time later, I had a strange intention to draw hers\his sigil on my body, so, after a couple of doubts and a stress I decided to do it on my left wrist. And I got that pleasant feeling everytime I did it.

Furthermore, I had a strange dream where my father told me “Astaroth loves you!” while I was chasing after him on some vehicle. Sounds really strange and pointless, at least for me, that’s why I considered that dream just a bullshit.

Some months later I have noticed that my admiration for Astaroth\Astarte\Ishtar\Inanna had grown into some kind of…yeah, passion. It was so fkn strange to even think about a possibility of developing feelings to such a major goddess\es…while being a human.

Eventually, when studying course came to its end, I got enough time to finally investigate this strange connection to her, so I have planned a ritual. Due to me being on a low budget (here we call it something like “student’s budget”) I could not afford nor could I find any type of incenses or unusually colored candles so I did it with a bare minimum - a sigil, simple candle and intent. But the only important thing was missing - the reason of the call. As I was going to call this spirit by a sigil of Astaroth, I thought that it would be better to fit the information written in Goetia, so the final reason of the call was to ask him\her “Would I ever meet my ideal couple within this life?” and “Where should I find her?” because I had real problems with being attracted to someone (even to a succubus that I’ve summoned before all this) to the degree that I’ve despaired and prepared myself for completely lone life. That’s where the interesting get started.

A few days ago I did formentioned ritual. I should say that 2 hours before performing it I strongly felt someone in my home, I got shivers all along like somebody was watching my every step.
When the time of doing the ritual had come, I decided that it would be better to do a relaxing meditation to grab all my thoughts and intentions together. I only have lighted a candle for some kind of atmosphere. Suddenly, a strangely strong idea came into my mind to call Astaroth as my mother. After that it began - strong as fck arousal, heat all over my body and powerful feeling of love, pictures popped into my mind like someone was kissing me and it gave me even more arousal. Also I guess that I have heard someone (don’t want to make a hasty conclusion that it was her) calling me a son, what boosted me with an abnormal portion of love that my ribcage, especially in the solar’s plexus area, would have literally explode. I do not want to go into further details, but the only important thing that was after that is another phrase which I heard in my mind “You wanted exactly this, don’t you?”.

Now I feel in love with this spirit. Whoever is this (as I still highly doubt it could be such a major Goddess), her energy is soft and calming.
Oh, I almost forgot to mention that during high school I have been struggling through a series of depressions and anxieties. And, when things got very bad, I was wrapped up with warm energy and instantly calmed so I could get asleep. Don’t know if it could be related to Astaroth\Astarte.

Currently, I afraid of making any further contacts with this spirit.
Some of you will be like “How do you dare to even think such lustful and dirty things about such a powerful Goddess??? It is an imposter! Know your place, human!” while others will be like “Oh, come on, don’t be an idiot, trash all your doubts and give yourself to it!”, but you know, because of so much contradictory information around the internet about Astaroth, I have a bunch of doubts that rips me apart, and I need your help with all that.


Your only concern is your relationship with her, not anyone else’s!!!

Do as you see, they are beings of higher understanding!!! A lot more that humans could do!!!



The only part you have left is the list of doubts that you have about this thing.
No wonder none can help you if you dont explain what the doubts are.
Maybe list them out and find a way to figure out solution??


I think you fear the unknown. That’s good and healthy fear, but it shouldn’t block your freedom or will to choose what you believe is right. Take the risk… as long as it’s well planned. Nothing in life is risk-free.

I would suggest that you test the waters first, baby steps… no need to start from the finish line. Think of it as a relationship with a human being… what would you do? how would you manage it? Forget the spiritual element for a second and focus on the “relationship” part.

From my personal experience with demons - which is not that much to be honest, compared to others here - this specific Goddess is one of the best spirits you could possibly know, maybe all your life. No reason to fear anything or doubt. If for any reason, at any point, you thought the relationship is not good for you… you are free to end it anytime. With love and respect. No one will haunt you for revenge because you decided to do that. They respect and honor free will.

Don’t worry… like “” said… “they are beings of higher understanding… a lot more than humans.” This is absolutely true.


Well, yeah, that’s one more thing that I forgot to mention…

Those doubts are typical in the situations like this, for exmaple I tend to question the whole reality of all this, because it’s still very difficult for me to believe it.
Also I tend to think that I’m professionally deluding myself now. I guess it’s the main one.
A Goddess calling me her son - that’s look completely irrelevant for my mind

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Anyway, thanks for replies and inspirations!
I guess there is a lot of work for me now that have to be done

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