When we begin our path in the occult, we want money, glory, knowledge, power and all the material things that go with it. That’s before we come to realise the nature of magic as a reality, when we’re still curious, skeptical and whatever else.
Eventually our experimentation pays off and we chalk it up to coincidence. Sure, it’s working, but we’re not ready to accept that, yet. Then one day, something just clicks. The veil falls away and for a brief moment, we understand everything. We accept that magic is the only reality in the universe, and we begin to intellectualise concepts like the holographic universe. We understand that all information in our universe is dynamic, and the material (ie Malkuthian) manifestation is merely the facade of deeper, and far more interconnected currents of energy which do not have as their “real” existence the material world we observe around us.
This extends to encompass laws of physics and chemistry, which become just the machinery projected into our physical perception from the information of the universe, with magical currents serving as the generating impulses. (The tarot helped me understand this).
These days, I’m still poor, lonely and out of cigarettes, but where’s that drive to master everything I see, and everyone I meet? Why do I not care so much about the things that led me to magic in the first place, now that it’s become the guiding force in my life? It’s not only that I no longer want, or can’t be bothered manifesting things in my life… It’s that I have no desire to even want things, anymore, let alone worry about making them manifest. When a new desire comes along for a pretty girlfriend or a fancy car, I just laugh it off and wish it well as I release it back into the universe, knowing instinctively that these things would never satisfy me. I have yet to find something I believe will actually be satisfying.
Is it complacency? Is it “spiritual evolution”, as most mystics were homeless beggars anyhow… Or is it simply a psychological aberration; simply a kind of mental illness brought on by delusion? I’m open to all theories, but I’ve noticed it’s a common syndrome amongst serious occultists.
My work with Saturn has led me to experience the world as a futile experiment subject to end, death and decay like all things, and this no doubt makes me a little cynical as to the lasting and enduring power of… anything at all. Nevertheless, one would think that immediate human compulsions would still urge the acqusition of more money, fame, power, glory and knowledge, if only within the bounds of a modest existence.
What I can’t understand is why, as I further my experiments and my understanding of magical practise, I feel such urges less and less, to the point where I have completely rejected those things which seem to be required for human functioning (such as greed and licientiousness), and am content simply to exist as whatever I choose to be in the moment - but never as what others seem so determined to create and maintain.
Without sounding pretentious, the only way I can conceptualise it for myself would be to say that I feel as though I have evolved beyond petty human desires, and while I exist in the world, I am no longer a part of it (and neither do I wish to be, nor do I care in any way if such alienation should lead to my immediate extinction). Even the prospect of death seems vain and self-absorbed! (Again, due to my work with Saturn, no doubt).
Does anyone else feel this way? And can anyone explain it to me?
Kind regards, Tj.