Ok, so I haven’t been active since posting to the newbie thread like three years ago, and have finally gotten into a position where I have a work area for the time being, which has been interesting since the falling out.
I don’t want to ramble too much, but I feel like the general backstory is needed here. I actually joined this forum when I was living with my mom, which…she was abusive. My partner still is dealing with after affects from that, which was 2017/2018. And this is also kinda when my friend seemed to shift. He said I changed around this time, which, yeah, trauma will do that, and he was very aware of what I was going through. We had met on this one role-play site, and that was what we did at first, expanding into a messenger for other things. He shifted direction on the site and fell in with a group of people. Which I also wanted to be a part of that group, meet in the middle, etc. Other things in RL affected me, a tonic-clonic seizure, brain lesion which, when removed, turned out to be cancer, and I trudged along. I also started to have HORRIBLE luck on this site. Depression and anxiety baring down on me, trying to figure out my meds. It’s been a bad three years. I can’t say he didn’t care, but I do wish he had shown a bit more sympathy. Instead, gaslighting, invalidating my feelings and what I was seeing, psychological whiplash, pretty sure he was lying…things he did. I was shitty too. But looking back, I didn’t realize how bad he was. I still don’t get the impression it was intentional, the way it was done for the most part, was more ‘asleep at the wheel’ and ‘being selfish’ rather than purposeful. I could be wrong, but I’m usually not. However, he is immensely stubborn and having fallen in with this group of people, one of them got his ear and didn’t understand or even ask my side. But they had NO IDEA how about his behaviors, which was very clear when I talked to them. Thus, I’m the scapegoat.
There was a lot of double-standards and hypocrisy, and I hate that I hit the threshold that I did, but you can’t taunt a starving dog with steak and then be surprised when it bites you. Which is the best vague analogy I have for the last thing he did to me. I don’t think he wants to be that person, I want him to wake up. And I want that person who has his ear to show their own hypocrisy.
I did one spell for him, and later, when I found out that other person’s views and BS, one for them to goad them into showing who they really are. I’ve since been told to repeat the spell when it’s time, as he is stubborn as hell.
I know the ‘leave it and forget it’ deal with this stuff, and I’m trying to get my mind out of ‘must think, must problem solve’ panic that it does whenever I feel like I’ve broken everything in the world. It’s getting better, not quite there though. But I have envoked Paimon, Amon, Belial, Furfur, and Dantalion so far for help with this, for answers, and advice over the last week or so.
Some of the things that were interesting and a little confusing.
Paimon suggested boxing him? And I did make a mirror box, but something else told me to wait to actually use it.
I have been told I’m asking for the wrong things and that I should ask for more. Ok, yes, but I don’t even know what to ask for. Save for drawing people to me-which requires me ‘to be seen’-see the next bit.
I keep having mixed feelings about going back to the site where I met him, but I keep getting a ‘it’s up to you’ and an impression that it won’t hurt anything? If anything it might actually help, as ‘later is the long road’? But to not focus on it solely.
I’ve considered envoking Andras for sowing discord in that group, given that they’re prone to in-fighting and driving people off/casting people out, and I basically got something akin to a ‘you’re planning to anyway’.
There’s someone I haven’t considered a friend because they were too forward, but I’ve been told that I should trust them with the general gist.
I’ve also been told that this ex-friend is going to fail/fall/spiral and that I need to be ready?
Being told to ask for more. And being told to ask for the right things.
As a sidenote, Belial was extra helpful and told me to tell my partner to contact someone within the art industry for advice/critique, and they’re getting that today.
I’m trying not to doubt myself or this work, but I would like some confirmation/advice, because the going back to the site makes me worry that it will mess up things, but the whole ‘need to be seen’ makes sense. I’m at war with myself because I do see the positives and the negatives here on going and staying away.