Hey there OP!
This is a longer post.
Wow, there is a lot going on in this thread. Your emotions are pouring out of the words, and so I don’t doubt your sincerity in wanting to change your reality. A lot of people want to change, but then shrink away from what is presented, or what they have to do to change. Magick takes conviction and consistent dedication, not just sincere wishing and thinking about it. Action. Take action, and take back control. Its one of the most powerful things you can do.
So I want to help, because Ive been in your shoes before when I was a teenager xD Though, I cannot do the work for you. This is a journey for yourself. I am going to quote a few things that stuck out to me in your OP.
It is really hard to be motivated when you are depressed. I get that. Been there, done that. However, you should not let it rule you. Do something, anything. Start a daily practice, I would suggest energy work or qigong. Do it for like 5 mins a day. Really focus on your breath and the visualizations. Just. Do. Something. 5 mins is better than 0, and eventually, with all types of work, it builds on itself and you will start to naturally open up your energy channels, and become sensitive. Then, when you feel up to it, increase to 10, 15, etc.
Relax, and do the exercises without the weight of expectation, without wondering, is this what qi feels like? Energy flows best through a relaxed body.
If you dont want to learn qigong, start with other types of meditations. Do the pendulum exercise, where you visualize a pendulum swinging back and forth. Try to hold the image for as long as you can. Set a timer for 5 mins. Then move to 10 when you get comfortable with 5. This will help increase your focus and the potency of your magical imagination. Do the Blue Ray meditation (you can search EA’s version on YouTube). Learn about breath and breathing techniques.
Build yourself a solid foundation for your practice. Then move onto evocation.
Also, you may want to do a banishing ritual before evocation. If you have a ritual you do right before evocation, you are setting yourself up for success, because you are using psychology to your advantage. This is not to banish the energies around you, but to banish your own doubts and fears of failure in evocation. To banish your own negative energy holding you back. Banishing, if done before each ritual, will help put you in the Godly mindset where you become the Operator and thus allow you to aspect the divine easier. Basically, it will help you put yourself in the right frame of mind.
You can still evoke, but the conversation will be very one-sided. You DO have an idea of what to do. You need to start and build up your skills and magical abilities, take back your power, and forge your own destiny. Become your hope, as hope is really just an internal feeling after all.
What are your reasons to coming to the left hand path? Why do you want to evoke? Do you really want these skills and abilities? If so, what are YOU going to do about it? Magick is a journey, taken step by step, there are hardly any instant mircales, and those who can evoke such power earned it, I assure you. They put in the time, and were dedicated. Do some introspection, and when you feel hopeless, point to your reasons for being, for practicing, and them inspire you. Let them drive you forward. And you know what? It is OK if they change with time or don’t exactly know why. Nothing is static.
To be a student, you must first give yourself permission to learn.
…You will find that experience, when cultivated through positive repetition, is the greatest affirmation of the reality of a thing… So, become as a child, unconcerned about peer acceptance, unconcerned about results validation, unconcerned about proving your worth, and unconcerned about the possibility of failure…
^ This is a quote from EAs book Ordo Acensum Aetyrnalis or the OAA.
Work for yourself, and put your mind to forming a foundation, without expectation. When you stop trying so hard, you will be surprised how easily things come to you. There is a lot of work ahead of you, and only you can do it. There is no easy path, but you have a path. You can walk it or not. Advance or stay where you are. Whatever happens, you are in control of your own destiny. Use that, as it is your greatest power.
it can take a little bit of time.