Explanation

I’d like to thank all you guys on here who have made suggestions and listened/read my posts about my situation in regards to being a carer and how I am trying to get this particular woman to talk to me. I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation but I would like to so that you might understand a bit better.
Firstly this (Easter) is one of those holidays that you spend with family and is great for kids. It’s a bit of a sore point I guess you could say in that I thought by now I would be spending this time with that woman as my wife and one or 2 kids. And in the last 2 weeks I found out they remade a favourite cartoon of mine from when I was a kid and released new toys. I kinda teared up when I walked past the display because I still have my original stuff and had this vision in my head of having my son there and buying him one. Tearing up thinking of it now. Yeah it’s not easy. I grew up in a small town with only my mum and gran. Mum looked after her. I was teased mercilessly at school, bullied long before it became a buzzword. I had coordination problems, trouble pronouncing the th and l sounds, mild cetebral palsy affecting my left side and on top of that was shy. So school was hell. I didn’t let anyone close because I always ended up getting hurt. In one case I remember being so excited about getting invited to a trivia night and 2 days later getting uninvited because someone else could come. At 14 it was hard to deal with. No father, at times no friends, I distanced myself so I didn’t feel it so much. Tried to block emotions so I didn’t give the bullies ammo. So it went until I started working. Within months though and just as I was planning to move out my gran died. Mum fell apart. I had to learn a lot of things very quickly. It caused issues with her though with anxiety and multiple other things and her health started to go downhill. I never tried to find a partner, didn’t want to because I was ok being by myself. After working in a few jobs I finally had enough money to go back to study and do a diploma. I started and the day I started I fell in love with someone. I had seen her in a dream a few years before. And then she was walking in front of me in the lecture theatre.

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I didn’t think I would ever meet her but there she was. It took a few days, but I started talking to her, wandered over where I knew she had lunch, about 2 months after I met her I asked her out. I knew she had a son, it was only then she told me she was with his father. I was hit hard. I was already in love. I told her how I felt by sending a song. She said she was content with her situation. Then she asked me if it was only one time would that be enough for me. I told her forever would never be enough time to feel like I had spent enough time with her which was exactly how I felt. The next week she asked me to follow her at lunch in my car, she wanted to show me something. Then she kissed me for the first time. It wasn’t long after that they separated. We kept our relationship quiet at her request but also because we didn’t want others (or her son) to think I was the cause as she had planned to leave a few months later anyway. This was July. They were sharing custody of the son week about meaning he was living in one town one week and another the next. When we finished in November it was hard on us both. I lived far enough away it was costing a lot to drive there, neither of us had jobs, I was out of savings and we weren’t seeing each other as much as we wanted. We texted all day, talked and emailed. We planned to tell everyone in May we were together. I was looking at engagement rings. In February she said she needed some time. 3 weeks went by no contact and I was going crazy. Then at the start of March she contacted me. The son wasn’t handling the separation well. Not at all. She and the ex had been talking and were going to see if they could talk things through. I had a job by then as did she. I was upset but I understood that she was only doing it for her son and we talked about what was happening and she didn’t want to go back but felt at that time the son needed them to be together. I told her I didn’t want to let her go and we agreed that even though they would be in the same house they wouldn’t be together and that when the son was older she would split from him again and we would start back. She wants another child and to get married, he won’t even talk about either and told her to her face he thought she got pregnant so he would have to stay with her. We agreed to keep talking. I went and had lunch with her every day. Text and calls the same as before. In June they moved in together again. He wanted her to start working for the firm he was part owner of. She told me she thought it was so he could keep an eye on her. She eventually gave in in September. The last day she worked there she cried her eyes out because she knew she couldn’t contact me as much because of him. She wasn’t supposed to be contacting me at all. So we kept emailing to an address we both knew the password to, a drop box. She noticed a few emails being sent to a different address in December but I never saw it. It got to the point where it was one a week. Then on February 4th she called me at work.

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I do have a little trouble following this post and it endes abruptly.
So this girl wants to be with you If i understand you correctly but lives with her ex for their kids sake?
Well staying in a bad relationship for the kids is not the best idea If she really doesnt want it she should really end that.
She should have made it clear she was in a relationship with you and If she is monitorer by her ex she should kick him out.

It was past midnight when I finished writing that and will add to it today. It explains some of my past for those who have been here a while and have read previous posts

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This has been Kelley for those who know. That morning when she called I was blindsided because I was waiting for another Kelly to call about something with the business I was running. My boss was beside me and we were discussing business stuff. The basis of the call was her partner was to receive no more emails from about 3 different people or from different emails. She was upset. I was confused, angry she was accusing me of stuff. I said “yep, yep, yep” and she told me not to ever call her again. “Are you done?” and she hung up. Immediately regretted the conversation but couldn’t call her back because the owner of the business wanted to talk. As soon as he left I pulled out my personal mobile phone (she rang the business not me) and rang every number I had for her. Some rang out, others disconnected. Home phone rang out. That afternoon I drove in to her place. Only it wasn’t. She had moved. New people wouldn’t give out the forwarding address because they were renting from her. I left messages for months on the drop box. None ever read. I went to the street I knew that she was working in (they were running the firm from 2 different houses) and I couldn’t find her. I don’t think I could have imagined how bad it would feel to have something like that happen. I knew lies had been told because I hadn’t sent anything. It was reinforced by a couple of messages that were left on the drop box saying that he had made sure that she would never want to talk to me again. It shattered me. All our plans for a wedding, kids, our house and everything else went into nothingness because of him. That was 2014 and I have tried to talk to her but she won’t even tell me what was done, why she called that day. She thinks I know. There has been stuff since, I get emails and text messages from him but they’re untraceable from public phones or email addresses set up on public computers. I got sent a number for her one day about 2 years ago, sent a text and was sent one back saying don’t contact me, I hate you. How did I get her number? It was sent to me, how else would I get it. I ended up sending him a cease and desist letter to lay off because the police can do nothing about him because the stuff can’t be traced to him. Then I sent her a letter saying if she wants to talk call me and enclosed a copy of the cease and desist letter. I was warned off because I actually had no reason to hide my identity. So now I have to wait until she finds out the truth or actually questions what she was told. If I look deep enough, I am not sure I actually want her back. I don’t know that I could look past what has happened or how she has acted. We have both changed. I do want to know what happened that day to cause the phone call and since that day. I got in a really bad place after which only got worse when my boss blamed me for a downturn which everyone in the country was experiencing thanks to a warm winter. I lost my job. Said it was because of the downturn. I got a letter about a year later from someone who said they were the partners mistress and that him and her had called the boss and complained about me and saw me putting money in my pocket. True, not, I don’t know. I know what was said was bullshit but would my boss have worried or just sacked me? Things have been up and down since. I met someone else, it was on/off for a while (long story) and we were starting to work really well when I find out she’s started seeing someone else and that’s why I was feeling pushed out. End of last year. Heart crushed again.

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In short it’s a combination of all this stuff which gets me to a point where I just need to be free of this place. I can’t be away at night because of mum’s anxiety. She doesn’t qualify for any support so she would have to pay for it which she can’t. The only thing keeping me here is me, I know this but I can’t disassociate myself from my sense of loyalty and responsibility for family which I think would help make me a great father. At the same time I know my chances of becoming a father are lessening with each passing year. It’s a vicious circle for me. If I cut and run I think I would feel guilty for the rest of my life, especially if something happened like she fell and died because no one was there to find her. I am making changes, I just met someone who I am hoping I have something with. She’s beautiful and funny. There’s hope there. I’m hoping to work things around so it works this time. I don’t want mum gone, I just want time to myself to do things others take for granted. Time to get to know someone again without feeling guilty for doing it. It’s things like having Christmas with family and kids and a tree. Simple I know. Watching your kids open their presents. Walking on a beach with your wife. Watching the sunset with her in your arms. It’s not complicated stuff. As for Kelley well I never totally got rid of those feelings. I never got to totally close that book because I don’t know why. I don’t know if any of you have ever been accused of something you didn’t do, but that’s what I am dealing with. I’m innocent of what she thinks I did but she won’t even tell me what that is. If I could talk to her and find out and leave on good terms, I would be ok with that. I could close the book. It lets me leave that chapter of my life behind. If she wants to be with douchebag then so be it, as long as she knows that what she was told is lies. I can live with that. As long as on those rare times I see her we can smile, say hello and go on our way and not have her looking at me like I am the most hated man on earth. I don’t know. Maybe it’s too much to ask. I don’t think so.

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The days after her phone call that day were as close to suicide as I have ever been. It would be nice to know why I was pushed to that point.

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Thats rough man):
If she was your real first crush that you also had big plans with that never really goes away. All other things will be mensurer against that.
But even If this sounds harsh you should try to forget about her and all plans that was associated with her, she and the idea of her and what could have been is holding you back.
If its been years and she wont talk to you then you will never get an answer to what was said and what caused this.
A dangerous thing about broken relationships is the ”what if” mindset.
I used that when my first girlfriend of 9 years dumped me for one of her work collegues.
What If i had done this insted, what If they had never meet, what if i get rid of him, and so on.
Life for me was all about understanding what sent wrong and i tried to talk to my ex hoppingivande to get her back.
That stuff sent on for allmost 2 years and during that time i wasnt happy for the reason i shakes my reality around the idea i could only be happy with her.

After that i desided FUCK it time to be happy ”fake it till you become it” started going out on stuff, meeting ppl, found a girl i started dating after meeting a while.
Today im in a greater place then i was with my ex but to get here i needed to let her go she or my idea of her was holding me back.
I really hope for the best for you mate, i hope you find what you seek.

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