Thank you! Would love to make new friends from this amazing forum. I can’t send private messages as of yet. But would love to chat. Send me a message if you like. Im here as well to learn and Im very excited to meet new people
My heart hurts for you when I read this. This is going to take some shadow work and time. One day at a time, little by little. Also, seek out counsel from a trusted source when needed. And keep a journal to write down your thoughts, feelings, or whatever.
It will get better in time. 
Congratulations. You’ve made the first step towards freedom.
My advice to you now would be to find meaning and purpose in yourself. Become your own God.
Step 1. Look after your body. It is your temple, your vehicle to take you to godhood in this existence. If your body is ill, you will be limited.
Step 2. Read, read, read. Study is important. A good starting point would be Anton LaVey’s Satanic Bible, or some Nietschze. These two are very anti-christian, and will plant seeds to empower the self. Don’t limit yourself to one line of thinking, though. Drink in multiple viewpoints – just don’t get carried away with one particular dogma or another.
Step 3. Study magic. It might be worth seeing if the left hand path is actually the path for you. You can still walk the right hand path, even if you’ve abandoned Christianity.
LHP = self-deification, self-preservation, isolate self-consciousness post-death.
RHP = stasis, dissolving into the natural order, serving everybody else before the self.
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I remember all that searching for meaning and purpose in my life. It was a long bitter struggle. I thought I needed god and religion in order to have that. Then I summoned Belial. He told me “you don’t need religion.” I honestly had a lot of doubts about that and I wasn’t going to take the word of some demon I had just met with a bad reputation. I’ve learned a lot about religious symbols and practices since then. It has made a whole lot of sense to me now. I feel somewhat bad for the people who are suffering now because they can’t go to in person masses due to the Corona virus. But not really, because church never relieved my suffering, but it gave suffering meaning, cause then I could feel like I was suffering like Jesus and the saints.
As for god, I don’t consider myself an athiest, because that would imply the non existence of the world, but I leave the question of god open to interpretation, but I don’t dwell on it.
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I get schadenfreude off that. Plus, I don’t believe people have to gather in mass at a designated place that supposedly symbolizes faith is necessary.
In the same way you’d try getting in touch with pagan divinities. Try getting in touch with the Christian entity in that same way. Would you rely on a church to get in touch with or summon Odin? No. So why would you use a church to get in touch with or summon yahweh or jesus.
Imo, go with the Roman pantheon man… a lot of the other stuff is super decadent and cthonic. If someone’s pushing it like it something that’s gonna make your life better, their lying lol
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The only truths I got from Church was that they always wanted more money and more souls. The core teachings or words were twisted by each preacher for their own devices. Honestly, i have a hard time believing in any of the bible as the truth and not just some ancient “inside edition entertainment tonight” theft from other religions with a dash of make believe.
Anything is possible and no man or congregation will net to closer to god or a spirit you seek communion with. You have to approach boldly, go through your trials and challenges and become your own champion and beacon. Its better for the beings to seek your light than follow like a shaodow in their light. Perhaps eventually there will be mutual respect. If all entities want drones and clones and zombies then I’d rather stay in the void than their zombie making light.
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I suppose we all have varying views on Christianity .