I feel like I’m going through an emotional upheaval right now. A lot of things are being unearthed in my mind. There’s like a stifled wave of rage and grief with no way to escape and no words to express it.
And I feel like I’m getting closer and closer to the point of just letting go of that rope…
It’s been two weeks and I still haven’t done anything regarding this matter (Asmodeus+Seere job ritual). It’s at the back of my mind, but I’m too emotionally exhausted every day to gather the energy to do this ritual.
But, I have reconnected with Asmodeus, and I believe even that sparked something!
My dad (who knows about my struggles with unemployment and how brutal the job market is, especially in this city) told me today that he’s considering sending me to culinary school!
So, I majored in something quite academic at university. I loved my major, I still do. I studied a field of science that is one of my favorites. But unfortunately the job options are pretty limited, unless you stay in academia. That was my initial goal. But it didn’t work out.
My favorite hobby and one of my greatest passions though is baking! I’ve always toyed with the idea of going to pastry school and opening up a bakery, or working at one.
Culinary/Pastry schools here are super expensive. I’ve researched before and immediately accepted that I could never afford it. My dad, though, also did his own research and is saying we can pay for it in installments. We have some savings in precious metals, and he says we can use that.
Uhmm… King Asmodeus, is that you?!
Good journal here dilys! It was good to read your experiences with the spirits.
I think you should see going to the culinary school as a gift and the next stage in your life’s development purpose. Perhaps you never were meant to do your major and the Goetic spirits have been leading you down this path.
Culinary/Pastry school has been the dream for me. I picked it up as a hobby while I was actively at uni, though. So it remained as a hobby for me. But yeah, I have a feeling that I’m being led as well. Not to brag haha but there really shouldn’t be any major reasons as to why I’m still unemployed, I graduated from one of the top unis in my country/region, I have a good skill set. But maybe this is my calling. I’ve contacted numerous spirits (including powerful kings like Belial and Paimon!), and still got no results or improvements even though these spirits have come through for me in my other petitions to them.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and I appreciate the positive feedback! 
From what I know of the Goetic spirits, they can mess around with things so to say in order to put you on your true path in life.
I work with both Hekate and Bune. I’ve found lately that my path has also changed quite unexpectedly. I was following one career path and then bam, I am on a different road entirely.
I think you should listen to the calling and follow your true will in this case. If you are meant to have a culinary career, then it is probably is what your on Earth to do and the spirits are guiding you to it. 
My dad and I visited the culinary school today! They took my name and info. And in a couple of days, they will finalize my registration. I should start training by November! They said a job is guaranteed upon completing the training. They have extensive connections within the city and the country, so they place their graduates in well established organizations like luxury hotels, restaurants and bakeries. I’m unbelievably excited! And so very thankful for my dad for taking on such a financial burden for me. He says, “Don’t even think about it. You can pay the rest of the installments once you graduate and start making money. Even if you don’t, that’s fine. Just bake nice stuff for me.” 
And of course, I’m eternally grateful to King Asmodeus (and Prince Seere too). Even though I haven’t done an official ritual for this. I genuinely believe this is his doing. He always looks out for me. Thank you King Asmodeus!
There’s a new development regarding my relationship as well.
Everything still feels foggy, so I really can’t say for certain what’s going on. But a lot is going on for sure.
I thought the Tower moment happened. No. That was nothing. The Tower collapsed just now. On the surface, this connection really feels unrevivable. But I have faith in Queen Beleth, so I know I will see signs of life eventually. That’s what my intuition is also whispering to me. I think it is my intuition, not just wishful thinking.
The rage I’ve been feeling for the past few days was strong, but still simmering under the surface. Until yesterday. In the morning, my partner texted to check up on me. I don’t know what happened to me. I was unbelievably angry. “Acting like he cares when he hurt me repeatedly.” That was my line of thinking at the time. I kinda blew up at him. I’ve never shown him my angry side, ever. He responded calmly. Well, throughout our relationship, he has never ever responded to me harshly or retaliated. Neither have I. All of our hard conversations about our relationship consisted apologies, naming our feelings (using the “I” pronoun. I feel, I felt.), not pointing the finger (never using accusatory language like “you” did this, or saying you always/never do this etc.), using a calm voice and active listening, never talking over each other.
I regret the emotional outburst. But in a way our conversation opened a window for a more brutally honest exchange. I now better understand why he decided to walk away.
I texted some hurtful things and he left those messages unanswered. I don’t know if he’ll get back to me soon or if he’ll retreat into his shell for a longer time. A couple of hours after our last exchange, I did a mini Tarot reading. I asked how he felt about what I said. 10 of Wands, 10 of Swords and the Moon. I was like, fuck.
I tried to reconnect with Beleth, but couldn’t feel much, probably because I was feeling overwhelmed still. But then, I got the idea that perhaps I should involve another King, to help him process everything better and have a shift in perspective. Because I know him, his wounds, and I knew that he would be in a shame-spiral and get avoidant real quick after this. But for Beleth’s magic to work, he needs to be in a certain mindset.
Of course Beleth holds the rank of a King. She’s powerful. But different entities have different domains. I don’t know why I got the feeling I should involve a King in this, not a Duke or Prince or whatever. I mean, a Duke like Dantalion could also shape his thoughts and help him process it all, right?
Anyway, I was looking through the 9 Kings and felt a pull towards King Zagan. And immediately understood why I did. I was looking up information about him, and he is the ultimate alchemist. Here’s what I found on a website called Occult World.
“As a spirit of wit, alchemy and hidden knowledge, Zagan stands at the crossroads between intellect and matter. He teaches that transformation is not only physical, but mental and spiritual.”
“His powers are especially connected with cleverness and transformation. Zagan is said to make people witty, intelligent and persuasive. He can turn fools into wise men, suggesting not only intellectual improvement but also the ability to awaken hidden understanding in those who seem spiritually or mentally asleep. In this sense, Zagan is not merely a demon of tricks, but a spirit of sharp perception, strategy and mental refinement.”
This was exactly where he can come in and collaborate with Queen Beleth. So I pulled some cards regarding this collab. It was positive. It was really late at night though so I was super sleepy, definitely didn’t have the energy to do a ritual. So, I pulled a card for that too. What is the quickest way I can communicate my wish to King Zagan? The High Priestess. I immediately knew that meditating on his enn in my mind’s altar would be enough. And actually, I could see him there! He agreed to work with Queen Beleth on this.
It’s been almost 24 hours since my last message to him, and still no text back. I hope he’s doing okay and Beleth & Zagan help him.
Totally forgot tonight is the New Moon in Libra btw. I will be doing a ritual tonight. I will prepare my altar in a couple of hours and record my ritual notes here as well.
Ritual with King Zagan was very difficult. I felt like fainting and my head was pounding. The tarot reading I did with him indicates that he is working with me towards this goal, but I guess at that moment I was a bit too weak to handle his energy. This usually doesn’t happen to me, so I was a bit taken aback.
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Channeled message from Queen Beleth: “You can’t resurrect something if you don’t let it die first. A resurrection cannot happen without complete death. Let it die.”
In the vision is a sickly cat.
A creature I adore, curled up on a bed, hooked up to some machine that looks like life support. It looks hollowed out from the inside. The parasites have nested deep. And I’ve tried every pill, every treatment, every frantic fix to keep it alive. And yet, some sicknesses cannot be medicated away.
The only way to starve the parasites out, the only way they’ll ever leave to find another host, is if the body goes cold. I have to stop poking at what’s left just to keep it from slipping into eternal sleep.
Every instinct screams that if I stop fighting, if I turn off the machine, I would be the one killing it. But Beleth is right, the sickness survives because the body is still technically breathing.
I drown in this awful, crushing guilt and anxiety, clutching it tighter because my fingers just refuse to loosen their grip.
Suddenly, the vision shifts, the way visions do.
I am in an open field. There’s a shallow grave, and I place the dead cat into it with my tears dripping onto the soil. I cover it up and there’s another shift.
The buried body has transformed into a seed, sunk deep into the earth taking root. It’s now a massive tree. And sitting right underneath it, looking up at me is the exact same cat, but this time fully alive and healthy.
_____________
Logically speaking, I understand Queen Beleth perfectly. Still, I am very confused on what would letting it die look like in real life? What am I supposed to do and stop doing? Am I supposed to cease all communication with him? Block him? He still hasn’t responded to my last texts btw, at this point I don’t think he will and that kinda makes me mad too tbh. Am I supposed to stay back and wait for things to unfold without expectations? A part of me really keeps whispering to me that I should at least remove him from my socials, because I occasionally share stuff and even watching IG stories is a way of keeping tabs on someone and indirectly communicating with people, right?
I am super confused. I do Tarot readings here and there, and for him I keep getting 8 of Pentacles and 7 of Swords, usually together, as to how he’s dealing with it all. I’m normally good at interpreting Tarot but this time I’m really stumped.
Sigh. Hopefully, clarity will come soon.
Just wrapped up a Tarot reading with Queen Beleth. It was so good! Things I’ve been feeling and thinking about were essentially confirmed. I asked for insight on him. Because the silence he’s giving me right now is so out of character for him. The cards I keep getting in reference to him showed up again. 8 of Pentacles, 7 of Swords and Page of Cups too.
I’ll write down my takeaway from the reading here for future reference.
Texts I sent completely trapped him in his own head. He took away two simultaneous truths: first, that he broke a genuine, deeply meaningful bond and second, that he feels a bit cornered and doesn’t know how to fix it.
Got 8 of Pentacles again, but this time in combination with 5 of Pentacles. It confirms everything for me. He is distracting himself, grinding away at his work/daily tasks to keep from spiraling into depression.
I asked if he had his “death” moment in regards to this connection, as Beleth is pushing for a complete death. I got 7 of Swords again and it tells me that for him it is neither fully buried nor being actively worked on. He is tiptoeing around because facing the situation head on requires courage he currently does not possess.
I asked what Beleth is doing and got the message that she is demolishing his habit of emotional shutdown, stripping away his ability to stay numb. And for King Zagan’s work on him, I got the 5 of Cups. Which literally made me chuckle, because isn’t that the ultimate perspective shift card, haha? Zagan is forcing him to look directly at what he destroyed through his avoidant behavior, he has to grieve what he ruined before he can turn around (have that shift) and see that the two of cups are still here.
As to why things are radio silent from his end, I got the message that he’s in a “I lost. If I reach out now, I’ll just get humiliated or blasted again.” type of mindset. Which is so like him!!
I did a second spread, but this time focusing on myself and what I’m supposed to be doing.
I am advised to remove him from socials, but not block his number. Beleth’s advice is to let the silence be total. He will, of course, use my stories to keep tabs on me without having to do the actual, vulnerable work of reaching out. When it is pitch black, his mind has to deal with its own echoes instead of reacting to my online presence. And honestly, keeping him on my Instagram can also mean that I might get tempted to post things for his reaction. So, I am removing him as a follower and unfollowing him too. But not blocking him because it slams a physical door in his face.
Beleth also told me that I really should stop constantly trying to manage the final, long-term outcome in my head. “You are trying to build the roof before the foundation is even cleared.”
I asked how I can best support Beleth’s work. She reminded me once again that I should stop dragging in the trauma. I gotta stop fighting the past with bitterness. When I think of him or the relationship, I’m supposed to let it be through the lens of the Six of Cups, I should remember the genuine warmth too, not just the negativity. And I’m advised to channel my energy into my own life projects and creative pursuits. Which is great for me because I will be busy with something I’m really passionate about for the next 6 months, pastry school!
I also asked what will signal to me that the “death” phase of this cycle is successfully complete? It is silly but as I pulled the card, the song “Signal” by the K-pop group Twice started playing in my head. And I asked Beleth, well, is that gonna be the sign? Will I hear the song in the wild or something? I pulled 9 of Cups. I don’t think the cards confirm or contradict that, but I kinda laughed at the fact that Twice is a 9 member group and the card is 9 of cups, haha. In my experience, Beleth loves a little witty, silly synchronicity here and there, so yeah haha.
But anyway, I believe 9 of Cups is more about me being whole on my own. This was the whole advice I got from Forneus as well, it reminds me of the mantra I received from him: “I am someone who can be okay.”
Some clarity, at last!
Reading back on my last entry, I am once again reminded of my very first petition to Beleth. Prior to reaching out, I have tried working with numerous entities that are all about love. Didn’t get much result. And when I read about Beleth, I immediately skipped. Because the description is scary!!
I honestly don’t remember what eventually led me to reach out to Beleth (desperation maybe lol). It was years ago. But I remember it was a really calm ritual. I told her that I want a true love connection in my life. And I’m not here to only take, but give too. I wanted someone to love me with the same intensity I love them, and match my efforts.
In the following months, I made an effort to socialize more, because I had been more of a homebody and you can’t meet anyone like that. I met so many love interests. Like, I’m not Angelina Jolie or something but I get decent attention from men and women in general. But this time, I got explicit interest from people. Two of those were significant. I didn’t really date them or anything, but those experiences really taught me a lot about love and what I actually expect from it.
When I presented my request to Beleth, I made sure to inform her that I get -unfortunately- easily get anxious about my magick. I do Tarot readings to double-check, I ask for signs and still doubt things etc. I asked Beleth to give me such a sign that it would be impossible for me to doubt it. In a reading I’d done with her, I got the vague message that this person would be wearing red. Whether that’s a beanie, or a shirt or shoes. But that definitely wouldn’t convince me right. It’s too broad of a sign!
Anyway, fast forward to that fateful evening. I attended an event and found a group to socialize with. Then, another small group joined us to chat. Within minutes of them approaching us, one of them turns to me, literally points at his friend and says “He wants to date you” with a mischievous grin on his face. Now, normally this would give me a bit of an ick, I’m not gonna lie. But it was obvious that his friend was just trying to pull a little prank or something. The guy he pointed towards looked mortified haha. So I didn’t wanna make things awkward for him.
Little did his friend know, this guy really actually liked me! (I later found out that he and his friend actually did not talk about me at all before they joined our group, his friend literally had a “random urge” to say something like that, haha) And after this little incident, for some reason, I could not get him out of my head. Even though we barely talked that night.
Next week, I attended the event again. Saw him, and we started to talk. I’m so stupid I still hadn’t got the memo that this guy was the one Beleth brought into my life for me!!! Each week, I was walking back home, totally confused like “Why am I so obsessed with him??”
One day, it finally hit me. I was like, hold on a minute, what was he wearing that night?.. A red hoodie! And his friend’s comment! I was like, “Shit! Beleth! It’s him!” hahaha.
She literally pointed a finger at him to tell me “Hellooo! Look over here!!” and I somehow still missed it. Almost, haha.
Beleth is just awesome.
I was sketching and decided to make an art offering to Beleth just because.
While I was doing that, I felt connected to her. Some channeled messages:
I don’t need to be a finished project. | All emotions are necessary. Don’t lose the anger. |
The connection is dead. The seed has been planted. To see growth, you need water (the emotions, don’t suppress them) and fire/warmth (the anger and passion, keep it alive). Air is given by letting it go, not grasping it thus suffocating it. The earth is provided by Beleth.
Also, I’ve been feeling a bit hopeless at times, thinking that what I’ve asked of Beleth is too big of a task to be finished by the end of this Venus retrograde. It’s less than a month away now, and what Beleth is aiming for is a deep transformation of this connection. A month is not enough for substantial changes like that.
But Beleth made me realize something, made me look back on what I specifically wrote in my petition. I asked for reconciliation, not full healing by end of Venus retrograde. Beleth has assured me that we will be reunited by then. But she will keep on working, on me specifically. She also informed me that I can work another petition with her so she can work on my partner too. That’s an offer she’s willing to make.
Edit: Forgot to mention that I keep getting the feeling that the next moon events are important. It’s just my intuition but I feel like something big might happen on Oct 26 (full moon), or Nov 9 (new moon). Will see if my intuition is right. 
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It’s been a while since I connected with King Zagan. I will be doing that tonight.
I don’t know what’s up with King Zagan’s energy but holy shit it really affects me. I woke up feeling a literal sense of impending doom. Just pure dread. To be fair to him, I did something what I call an “immersive” ritual with him and I used all the negativity in my life as energy, so that naturally means that I had to dig up some pretty heavy stuff in my subconscious and in my life in general.
On Oct 20, Venus square Pluto. Venus is squaring my own Venus and Neptune, and Pluto joins as well. Sudden waves of sadness or longing, vivid dreams, tears that seem to come from nowhere, and a pull to replay the past. Which are all things I’ve already started to experience tbh since yesterday. For my partner, I expect things will feel heavy as well.
I also read that now through the 20th, Neptune can blur the line between my feelings and his, and that I may find myself feeling his state as if it were mine. My jaw dropped when I read this because this is exactly what happened during my ritual with Zagan. It was like a line of communication formed between me and him, and I was able to feel his emotions and hear his thought process. It was such a strange feeling, like I was not myself but my brain was taken over.
Oct 23-24 (Sun enters Scorpio, then cazimi on the 24th). For me, things should feel calmer, I should be able to see things for what they are, including what I want and what I was giving etc. It lands opposite my Jupiter.
For my partner, the cazimi falls in the part of his chart that deals with communication. I think it can bring a moment of clarity about what he feels and what he’d want to say. He may draft a message or talk to a friend. But I don’t think he will reach out to me just yet.
Oct 25 onward (Venus slips back into Libra). It’s in my rising sign, and will stay there until Nov 14. My thoughts should go from “what happened between us” to “what do I want and how do I see myself.” I think I will focus more on my appearance, my needs and my self-image, for better or worse.
Here’s the tricky part!!
I really have been feeling like I will see movement on the day of the Full Moon or right after it. But my astrological observations do not support this at all.
The full moon on Oct 26 falls near the top of his chart, so his private feelings collide with daily responsibilities and he will probably have a lot of internal churn and emotional exhaustion. I think this full moon will bring a release or an emotional peak after, but it’s followed by more of the same (aahhhhh!!).
On Oct 28, the Moon passes over his natal Moon, which usually brings a strong urge to talk things out. But knowing him, it probably won’t be enough for him to actually pick up the phone, write a text and hit send.
Astrologically speaking, his “clearer head” moment should happen around Nov 4-5, which is his birthday actually, OR on Nov 9, which is the day of the new moon at 16° Scorpio, falling about one degree from his Venus. It’s a fresh start in his own sign.
Ugh, I just feel sad. And heavy. And I’d promised King Zagan I would come back to talk to him again tonight (and give the offering he requested). I hope I will be able to handle it.
Feeling a bit overwhelmed and utterly confused again. I could feel this coming but today is especially difficult.
I have so many questions in my mind and no matter what I do, I can’t get answes. I’m struggling to find a sense of direction. I’m trying to connect with Beleth, but it feels foggy.
Didn’t update here, but I did reached out to Zagan as I said and gave him the offering. He didn’t stick around much or communicated with me. He just took the offering and left. I don’t know what’s up with him. I’m not even sure if he is doing anything tbh, but I’m trying not to focus on that. I choose to place my faith in Beleth and Zagan as well, and that they are collaborating as I’ve requested from Zagan. I actually have been getting tiny signs from Zagan here and there, but it’s his dismissive and flippant attitude that makes me go hm? I haven’t done anything to piss him off. Anyway.
I don’t know what I want, how I’m supposed to feel or what I’m meant to do.
I’m trying to do divination, but it’s like my mind is blocked. I just stare at the cards. I can’t interpret them at all. Which is super weird because I’ve been reading for years and my readings are accurate for me majority of the time.
I just don’t know what’s wrong.
It’s either something intentional, maybe it’s Beleth obscuring things on purpose, to challenge me or test me. Or I’m complicating things for myself by seeking clarity when maybe a lot of things are in motion and haven’t settled down yet.
I guess a call to Glasya-Labolas is in order. He usually answers my calls when I ask for a mental breakthrough. I’m looking through the list of Goetic entities that can help with divination, intuition, mental blocks, breaking through confusion, bringing clarity etc. I’ve worked with Vassago on this and gotten great results. Vual is amazing when you need some assistance during Tarot readings as well.
I’m suddenly feeling drawn to Furcas though. I’ve never worked with that spirit. It is said that he can help with divination skills, increase psychic abilities and help one trust their intuition. He can also bring a peace of mind and settle one’s nerves and fears. Hmmm…
The confusion still persists but feeling slightly better today I guess. It is the day of Venus cazimi, so hopefully I will be feeling the effects of that.
I did reach out to Knight Furcas last night. It wasn’t a full on ritual. I just lit some incense, drew his sigil on a small paper, and on the back I did a symbolic, abstract sketch of my request.
I felt Furcas but didn’t at the same time. Normally, when I invoke entities, I can almost hear their voice in my mind. But this time, it was like I was talking to myself. I heard my own voice speaking back to me. Which made it very difficult for me to separate my thoughts from Furcas’. But then he said it’s intentional. That I should learn how to discern my regular thoughts from my intuition whispering things to me. Both have my voice, but which is which? Right?
He didn’t ask for an offering, but gave some advice instead. He requested a blue crystal (didn’t say what kind, just blue) to be placed on my altar. He said he can infuse it with his energy, and I can use the crystal as a tool to improve my intuition and my psychic skills. Tbh, I’ve never done anything like that, I’m not even sure how that’s supposed to work exactly. But I will be giving it a try.
Anyway, he also helped me with Tarot reading, and I could finally read!!!
I jotted some things down so I will be writing them here as well for future reference.
You’re trying to look at everyhere, instead of what is here and what is being offered to you. Focus on the present and what is being given to you.
I understood the present part, but I’m not sure what is being offered to me, like that part is blurry. So I’m not exactly sure what I’m supposed to be seeing. After this spread, I did another. I actually didn’t ask a specific question, but Furcas clarified some of the points that were not so clear in my head. The way the cards came out and were laid out, I got the feeling that, what I’m being offered is 10 of Pentacles. What I’m ignoring is the 4 of Pentacles, Knight of Cups and Temperance. What I need to do is Queen of Cups and 9 of Pentacles. I haven’t done a deep interpretation of these cards. But I will.
You’re trying to get to the emotional mastery via your emotions, which is the way. But you’re trying to get your thoughts involved as well. Cups and Swords don’t mix. This is not the clear way. Get mental clarity via mental activity. Get emotional clarity via emotional activity.
You’re going to see the clear skies, the Furcas blue, through emotional mastery. Volatile and misunderstood emotions are clouding up your mind and blocking your intuition right now.
You take action towards your emotions through stillness, quiet introspection with emotional openness. What you need to do is peaceful meditation, and apply a bit of analytical approach. (This message feels a bit contradictory to ‘cups and swords don’t mix’ but okay.)
As you lie down, be still and calm (4 of Swords), Not turbulent and losing sleep over it (9 of Swords). Among other cards, these two were positioned parallel to one another, directly under the cards about emotional and mental mastery.
There’s a mismatch between the vision you have for your thoughts vs. your current thought process. Make sure things are aligned with the mental mastery you seek.
All of these messages feel crystal clear and super vague at the same time. But I guess it’s too fresh right now. I will let them settle in my mind and I’m sure they will make more sense.
Oh, also. There’s definitely something going on with Zagan. I still haven’t figured out what though.
