Get back to me when youve reread your first reply and tell me how im jumping to conclusions.
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Yeah youāre right my bad I didnāt type that. Didnāt mean to come off that way. So my advice would be keep doing whatever your therapist says and if you donāt think this is your brand of magick then do something else.
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Well. Idk about everyone but I reached a point a few months ago thst I was feeling kinda depressed.
I was starting to get results, but they were chaotic, not always exactly what I specifically ask for, no matter how much detail I put into the request or effort.
But I felt alone.
Really alone.
Who the Fck can you tell this shit to. Who the Fck. is going to believe it. Where the Fck do I get help from with my natural born gifts. I ran in circles around myself becauseā¦ even I couldnāt believe it. Specifically ask for someone to get flat tires and within hours they hit a deer. Just tons of examples like thst I am likeā¦ too many coincidental things to be coincidence but ā¦ I canāt prove so it canāt beā¦
And I didnāt have a drug or alcohol use issue. Until recently if I had one drink one night a year it was a lot. So I can only imagine if I did how much worse it might be.
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Hello OP.
I am going through a rough time at the moment too. Iām doubting things, becoming suspicious and also paranoid of some of my own doings including having to been told that Iāve took that I should not took and it may be punishing me. I donāt know.
At this current point ā Iāve lost a lot of hope and willingness to engage in magick as I believe there needs to be a break here and there when working with unspecific currents that you are not certain of their guidance.
Iāll continue to work with Azazel and it is a new relationship with a great feeling of prospect and reassurance but I feel fucked. My self esteem and foundation is broken and I am going through a transformation period at this current moment.
I canāt be doing much.
Iām running a business, battling addictions, detrimental sleep and eating patterns, 10hr work days 6/7 days a week, suppressed emotions with repeated negative habits have lead to a circuit in my brain thatās been running on low gear for most of this year but as of today it is breaking point. I have to see the doctor and have spoken with family to have a plan. I felt ready to just fall off.
Pull through.
Keep your mental health in check.
Thatās in every aspect of living from how you are as a civilian, to how you are to yourself and your loved ones. Sometimes working with magick when the brain chemistry isnāt right can ignite some hysterical or manic outcomes that display that obsessive intensity which looks like impartial possession, not a positive one too. Iāve seen it.
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Release your inner serpent and seek the golden flame!
I would advice a break from magic to do something else you enjoy for a while.
Everyone seems depressed today, not much to do except power through it anyway you can.
Socialize if you can with friends you enjoy, binge a series, play video games, spoil your pets, etc.
If you enjoy peace and quiet, then take some time doing that.
But avoid thinking too much on your negative thoughts, because that will just make it worse.
Hang in there. 
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Raven_6, You have lots of experience with magick, ( 20 yrs.). You have probably been through a few periods of imbalanced energy, which I believe can cause depression to dominate us. Perhaps looking back and choosing now to do whatever balanced you then will ground you. The term āgroundā is central. I would also suggest going into a safe natural area as often as possible and touching the earth or some large tree that you are drawn to while opening yourself to earth energy. You are experienced enough to know how to do this, Iām sure. Balance is the goal.
Raven, I have mental health Illnesses as well. Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Anxiety Disorder. That said, you may need to increase your energy as the darker path seems to require it. So in fairness, what was said earlier is valid to an extent about the LHP not being for everyone.
Iād consider banishing (negative energy not demons) and something like the middle pillar or chakra work. Your symptoms will get worse if you expend more energy than you consume and those practices may help. Also, if you donāt get good sleep and/or have your diet in check with sources of good micronutrients, then Iād consider it. If that isnāt an issue or doesnāt help either, then you may need to consume external energy and spend more time outdoors. You could have a damaged/inefficient energy center or you may be one of the lucky few who just require more than the average person does. We could talk ethical energy vampirism but the other stuff should be tried first to rule out that need.
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Strange, normally working with Buer, Marbas, Valefor people expirience Major Healing. With Baphomet too. With which entities do you guys do energy work?
Youāre having a detox
I can relate. Iām just now stepping into the realm of black magic and come from a background of major depression and bipolar disorder. I have been worried if it is wise to delve into darkness when it is very difficult to deal with my own. I have many fears and am very paranoid but I want to change that. I want to overcome all those things which is why im choosing to dive into something so intense and scary. I say keep with it. And dont let it consume you in a negative way if it tries. Be the powerful Goddess that you are and allow your self to be destroyed and then resurrected in full- by the flames. This is the advice that I shall give to myself as well.
I agree with @Sekhmet also, as a follower of the left handed reaper I feel as though I walk the darkest and loneliest path in the occult world. Its definitely changed me and left scars that will never go away. This is why I cannot recommend my path to anyone else, even to other black magicians. This path is difficult even for experienced seasoned magicians. Thatās all I can really say is that it changed me. Its not often when you come across a witch that says their craft gave them PTSD.
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What is the left handed reaper? Where can i learn more about it?
In my understanding itās an Angel of Death, called under different names, depending on followed tradition. Or you can take it as energy that will destroy mostly everything in your life that holds you back from being black magician.
The experiences are terrifying, and some magicians like to say if they are not, youāve done nothing.
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I really donāt know, but you can watch Mark Alan Smithās youtube videos to get some insights into this subject.
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@Sekhmet @DavidSmith the left handed reaper is Qayin. You would probably know him as cain from christianity. Qayin (Cain) is worshipped as the left handed reaper in my witchcraft tradition (current 218). You can learn more about the left handed reaper in the Liber Falxifer grinoires. He is not the angel of death Azrael, and they shouldnāt be compared.
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@LadyJade, thanks for letting me know.
Is the Liber Falxifer still available, legal hard copies?
I would really like to know something substantial about Current 218, all I could find are some personal reflexions.
Must admit Iām curious about Current 218 and the role of Qayin.
Thanks again.
@DavidSmith https://www.ebay.com/itm/Liber-Falxifer-3-Grimoire-Ixaxaar-1-1300-Rare-And-Sold-Out/282864147074?hash=item41dc045a82:g:-6EAAOSwVrBalWlA
@Raven_6 Asmodeus is my patron. He helped me get over severe lifelong depression. And yes his very presence will bring things to the surface. Itās like his very presence is a pathworking through the Qlippoth. If you have any questions or concerns PM me. Iām ready to help if I can.
Lucifer also would be someone Iād consider working with. He will illuminate anything you need to work on. Just make sure you are specific when asking him what to help you with. His power can be overwhelming if saying something like āPlease just change my lifeā. You get the idea lol