Could use some support

General Discussion
1

My grandmother died a few days ago, and since she was really the only attachment I have in this life, my mind is understandably a mess…every bit of spiritual training Ive had over the years just pretty much went out the window. However, I thought I was just grieving the attachment, but it goes deeper than that…its almost like Im grieving the universe as a whole.

I understand that we exist in 3 dimensions, which makes us subject to time, a phenomenon that does not affect all beings…but while Im here in time, Im finding my heart breaking over what is basically permanence vs impermanence. The fact that anything that happens is only a fleeting moment that slips through our fingers as we have it, which causes suffering. Getting what you dont want causes suffering, even getting what you want causes suffering because it doesnt last.

So at this point, Im kinda bitching out, I dont know if I want any part of this…so I figure Ill deal with the nature of things like attachment and desire, because apparently thats the root of suffering…but then it seems like I get rid of the things that make this truly a human experience, so again I go, whats the point?

So, onto the next thing…focus on something thats permanent…well, that would be the source, the creator, universe, god…whatever you want to call it, its the one…but like the old song goes, one is the lonliest number, baby. That was even MORE painful, because I realized that every interaction I have, every friendship I make, every spirit, angel and demon I commune with, so and so forth, is really just god (me), bored, lonely, and creating a situation to make me forget about that for awhile…basically a lonely kid playing board games with himself, and Im sure some of you know that shitty feeling. Even when I die, if my consciousness moves on to the next stage of exploration, or if not, say my memories get deleted and I start fresh…no matter what Im still that one original consciousness, continually spinning in a wheel of delusion to escape my alone-ness…and the worst part is, there seems to be no escape in sight…never, ever.

Its made life hell…I look around at other people at the store and such, see the inevitable aging and death in their faces, and realize that ignorance truely is bliss sometimes, and I have moments where I wish I had never woken up in the slightest, because it feels like Ive totally ruined the game for myself. I almost went to a local buddhist monastery just to ask them how theyre even able to smile, but I figured I wouldnt get an answer.

So I get to the point where all that sucks and is the fucking worst amount of pain I think I can handle, but Im still here…and this thought pops up that says, “and yet, somehow, something can still exist in the face of nothing.” And that tells me that theres more to this game, theres something Im not aware of yet, more weirdness to find perhaps…but I dont know where or what it is, and the few people Ive talked to about this, Ive ended up making just as depressed as I am…which made me question even posting this here, but I figured if theres anyone that could help me out of this maze, it be one of you crazy folks here!

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I’m so sorry for your loss.

I was bereaved a few years ago and I also struggled with a lot of things because of that, and over time it changed my views a lot.

You’re not alone in finding theoretical platitudes are useless in the face of real grief - part of where I went with it, over time, was the observation that ALL life tends towards more diversity and more complexity, and from that stance, I took a different direction in life.

That was just me and I’m only talking about it because it brought me comfort to see the over-riding purpose of the universe to be about new possibilities and new life, new hopes - if all life was, was a falling away of attachment, feeling, form, and endeavour, it seemed very hard to motivate myself to keep acting in the world since any action at all was contrary to the “destiny of all things” to drop seperation and merge into One.

That’s where I went personally and I’m only sharing because you’re asking some of the same questions I did, and maybe off what I’ve written you can bounce your own ideas, and lead to something that will be helpful to you personally when the time is right.

On an everyday level, we’re so caught up in a society where everyone has to be “okay” - hell, thriving wonderfully - every waking day - but bereavement isn’t a challenge, there’s no “right way” to “deal with” bereavement where you go, “Okay, the person I loved died, I’m going to apply X Y and Z snappy theories and then I’ll feel no more pain and actually be far stronger than before.”

You lost someone you loved and it’s going to hurt, in a thousand nasty ways, you’re going to re-evaluate a lot of stuff from the mundane to the metaphysical, and crappy as it is, you have to let that process happen without feeling like somehow, someone out there “dealt with it” better in some way - the happiness and love you felt will outlast this, and I know it’s hard to believe but the day will come when you can think of her with joy, without pain, and the grief will be a memory while the love still remains. And I KNOW that sounds cheesy but it honestly is the truth.

Please let yourself off the hook of trying to make too much sense of this right now and give your feelings time to work themselves out, the time to look at the bigger pictures comes later when the shock of that loss has been buffered a bit by the passing of time.

Grief messes with your ability to think because it takes up so much space, you can even become clumsier, so please take care of yourself and don’t expect too much right away.

(((Big hug)))

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don’t worry lotus.your grandmother went to the astral and you should be happy for her.there’s no point to feel sad or alone.time separate as all.sooner or later we 'll be in your place.not to mention millions of others who went through this.it’s natural.don’t exclude your self from it.today is you,yesterday was someone else,and who knows who’s the next one…
you feel alone but you’re not.
don’t want to sound meanie but you have to understand that no one can escape this.we are here to experience things,and loss is one of them.
i wrote this just to remind you that you’re not alone in this.

don’t make pain your’s.it’s for all of us

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4

I know this feeling well Lotus.

My father died when I was 13 and being brought up christian I was told he was in heaven.
That wasn’t enough for me.I lost my faith in god the second I saw my father being rolled out of the house in a body bag.
I went through the next few years of my life as a vagabond not caring about myself or anyone else because what was the point?

I tried to make sense of it but had no one there to guide me.
I died from an overdose when I was 18 but was brought back by paramedics.The whole thing scared me not because I died so much but that during the time I was gone I saw nothing.No tunnel no light,just darkness.

It wasn’t until a few years ago I really started searching for answers.Not through theory or books but through experiences,meditation and finally ritual.

When you get down to the nuts and bolts of it you’re just asking yourself the age old question of “who are we and why are we here?”.
Nobody really knows.And that’s the best part about it for me.
But my point is that wondering these things especially due to your loss will lead to nothing except grief.

I know this is hard for you man but death is something that happens to everybody and regardless of what people say about their soul travel experiences it’s my own personal belief that there will be a lot more questions answered when we do die.

I hope I didn’t upset you by anything I said I’m just trying to state that running theory through your head right now isn’t the best thing to do.
Greive for your grandmother yes but also be happy you had the times with her that you did.

I’m very sorry about your loss but as LadyEva says this shit DOES get better.

I cry about my father sometimes and it’s been 14 years since I lost him.
But when I do cry about him a lot of it is out of joy because I can remember him the way he was and all the great things he (tried) to teach me.

Keep your chin up buddy.

5

[quote=“TheLotusEater, post:1, topic:3793”]My grandmother died a few days ago, and since she was really the only attachment I have in this life, my mind is understandably a mess…every bit of spiritual training Ive had over the years just pretty much went out the window. However, I thought I was just grieving the attachment, but it goes deeper than that…its almost like Im grieving the universe as a whole.

I understand that we exist in 3 dimensions, which makes us subject to time, a phenomenon that does not affect all beings…but while Im here in time, Im finding my heart breaking over what is basically permanence vs impermanence. The fact that anything that happens is only a fleeting moment that slips through our fingers as we have it, which causes suffering. Getting what you dont want causes suffering, even getting what you want causes suffering because it doesnt last.

So at this point, Im kinda bitching out, I dont know if I want any part of this…so I figure Ill deal with the nature of things like attachment and desire, because apparently thats the root of suffering…but then it seems like I get rid of the things that make this truly a human experience, so again I go, whats the point?

So, onto the next thing…focus on something thats permanent…well, that would be the source, the creator, universe, god…whatever you want to call it, its the one…but like the old song goes, one is the lonliest number, baby. That was even MORE painful, because I realized that every interaction I have, every friendship I make, every spirit, angel and demon I commune with, so and so forth, is really just god (me), bored, lonely, and creating a situation to make me forget about that for awhile…basically a lonely kid playing board games with himself, and Im sure some of you know that shitty feeling. Even when I die, if my consciousness moves on to the next stage of exploration, or if not, say my memories get deleted and I start fresh…no matter what Im still that one original consciousness, continually spinning in a wheel of delusion to escape my alone-ness…and the worst part is, there seems to be no escape in sight…never, ever.

Its made life hell…I look around at other people at the store and such, see the inevitable aging and death in their faces, and realize that ignorance truely is bliss sometimes, and I have moments where I wish I had never woken up in the slightest, because it feels like Ive totally ruined the game for myself. I almost went to a local buddhist monastery just to ask them how theyre even able to smile, but I figured I wouldnt get an answer.

So I get to the point where all that sucks and is the fucking worst amount of pain I think I can handle, but Im still here…and this thought pops up that says, “and yet, somehow, something can still exist in the face of nothing.” And that tells me that theres more to this game, theres something Im not aware of yet, more weirdness to find perhaps…but I dont know where or what it is, and the few people Ive talked to about this, Ive ended up making just as depressed as I am…which made me question even posting this here, but I figured if theres anyone that could help me out of this maze, it be one of you crazy folks here![/quote]

Sorry for your loss bro, I know it gets hard .

I would suggest going back to your basics for a while. This isn’t regression by any means. Your already available skills will allow you to get more out of the practice. Just get back to meditation and get your mind out of the way and things will start sorting themselves out.

If you wanna talk hit me up.

6

Sorry to hear that, hope you’re doing okay.

7

Thanks everyone, I realize that meditation is more important than perhaps Ive been giving it credit for, but holy fuck, the mind can be incredibly ensnaring, especially when you give it a “problem”. Basically, no matter what phenomenon would occur, Ive just been trying to find excuses as to why theyre meaningless, and why I should be upset over that…basically my own mind has been trying to take me out…interesting.

So far, this has definitely been the most helpful nugget of info to me. Amongst all the depressed, almost suicidal thoughts, my mind had no quick cynical answer for this, to the point where I actually found myself a little mad because the “all is meaningless and shit” argument hits a brick wall when confronted with this. It reminds me of Terence Mckenna’s novelty theory, which I ironically listened to the day before everything happened, and conveniently forgot in the heat of the moment.

In a nutshell, Terence postulated that our universe is a novelty-generating machine, creating ever new and unique things that will eventually coalesce into the transcendental object at the end of time, which I believe to be a piece of art so complex it cant even be fathomed.

With that in mind, It could make sense that If youre continually creative, if youre unique and dont stagnate, the universe will open doors for you. The quote goes that “Nature loves courage”, and its true…I look to evolution as proof. So perhaps its time to fling myself into the abyss…see what Im truely made of and what I can bring to the table that might be a game changer.

Thank you again for words of kindness and support, all of us here come from many different backgrounds, beliefs and systems, but in the end it seems that our interactions with each other are what really matters. My wounds are still feeling pretty fresh, but this is helping them heal.

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I’m very sorry to hear about your loss, man. Loss is very difficult to get through, whether it’s a death, or even the removal of a lover, loved one, anything you are passionate about from your life. The mind tends to go into a panic-mode because you feel this attachment that you cared about so much. It starts to analyze in a rapid fashion, unable to find the answers it needs to move forward. Truly, the only thing that will put an end to that suffering is time. It’s been said over history that “time heals all”. I used to think that was bullshit to an extent, but it really does… If not ‘healing’ it at least allows you to cope with the stress of loss.

I’m going through a very difficult time right now myself, not with death, but with my wife basically flipping out in mania and leaving my family (we have an 18 month old son) randomly without warning 3 and a half weeks ago. This event has brought on much suffering in my own life, and I’ve found myself asking many of the same questions you are right now. The way it happened, it’s almost as if she actually did die. Thankfully, friends and family have been there to support me through it (including my great friend TWF). Nothing will make any of this easy for you, but you have to ground yourself. You have to shut off the intricacies of the universe and the questions of this life. Suffering will cloud your mind, because as Lady Eva said, it takes up so much space.

Do things that make you feel good. I’ve found long walks have helped me drastically. It keeps me active and also allows me to think and appreciate nature and really can help to quiet the mind.

I would also recommend some Xanax to ‘take the edge off’ as the anxiety surrounding any form of loss can be devastating (it helped me initially). You may hit rock bottom, and that’s okay, it’s how you pick up yourself and rebuild your life that truly matters. It’s a cheesy line, but getting through this will only make you stronger. Everytime I start to feel helpless, I realize that this is the universe sending you into the fire like a sword. And like tempered steel, you will come out of the fire harder and stronger than ever.

My best wishes to you. Never give up.

9

Ive been pretty much avoiding any and all drugs during this because I felt that If i avoid this stuff, itll just come back later to bite me in the ass, but I do keep remembering that I am not my thoughts, so perhaps if I can calm the thoughts while still remaining focused, it would be beneficial.

Ive been getting better day by day, and something keeps telling me that theres things to this that Ive missed…that its just not as simple as black and white, and while I think that Ive hit a brick wall with learning the “truth”, in reality Ive just finished this particular level of learning, and its time to go on to bigger and better forms of learning.

Ironically, EA’s mastering soul travel course comes out at the end of this month.

10

I am sorry for your loss man.

When I went through such intense periods of grief I would sit on a chair in a room submerged in twilight, and stare at the blackness whilst attempting to have no thoughts. Enjoying the void.

Then I’d visualize myself hollow and being filled with either molten metal, or lava. I’d attempt doing it as if nothing else mattered. I would emerge empty and focused. You could try that.

In any case, please remember that death is not an end in the path nor the result of degradation, but rather the blooming of our truer selves. We become free afterwards. A process like the caterpillar becoming a butterfly.

And if you want a crazy undertone to it: In death taxes end. Seriously, fuck the IRS. D: