My grandmother died a few days ago, and since she was really the only attachment I have in this life, my mind is understandably a mess…every bit of spiritual training Ive had over the years just pretty much went out the window. However, I thought I was just grieving the attachment, but it goes deeper than that…its almost like Im grieving the universe as a whole.
I understand that we exist in 3 dimensions, which makes us subject to time, a phenomenon that does not affect all beings…but while Im here in time, Im finding my heart breaking over what is basically permanence vs impermanence. The fact that anything that happens is only a fleeting moment that slips through our fingers as we have it, which causes suffering. Getting what you dont want causes suffering, even getting what you want causes suffering because it doesnt last.
So at this point, Im kinda bitching out, I dont know if I want any part of this…so I figure Ill deal with the nature of things like attachment and desire, because apparently thats the root of suffering…but then it seems like I get rid of the things that make this truly a human experience, so again I go, whats the point?
So, onto the next thing…focus on something thats permanent…well, that would be the source, the creator, universe, god…whatever you want to call it, its the one…but like the old song goes, one is the lonliest number, baby. That was even MORE painful, because I realized that every interaction I have, every friendship I make, every spirit, angel and demon I commune with, so and so forth, is really just god (me), bored, lonely, and creating a situation to make me forget about that for awhile…basically a lonely kid playing board games with himself, and Im sure some of you know that shitty feeling. Even when I die, if my consciousness moves on to the next stage of exploration, or if not, say my memories get deleted and I start fresh…no matter what Im still that one original consciousness, continually spinning in a wheel of delusion to escape my alone-ness…and the worst part is, there seems to be no escape in sight…never, ever.
Its made life hell…I look around at other people at the store and such, see the inevitable aging and death in their faces, and realize that ignorance truely is bliss sometimes, and I have moments where I wish I had never woken up in the slightest, because it feels like Ive totally ruined the game for myself. I almost went to a local buddhist monastery just to ask them how theyre even able to smile, but I figured I wouldnt get an answer.
So I get to the point where all that sucks and is the fucking worst amount of pain I think I can handle, but Im still here…and this thought pops up that says, “and yet, somehow, something can still exist in the face of nothing.” And that tells me that theres more to this game, theres something Im not aware of yet, more weirdness to find perhaps…but I dont know where or what it is, and the few people Ive talked to about this, Ive ended up making just as depressed as I am…which made me question even posting this here, but I figured if theres anyone that could help me out of this maze, it be one of you crazy folks here!