[WARNING: DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH ABOUT BLOOD]
For some number of years now, I have had a lingering concern whispering in the back of my mind, “is it possible that practicing Necromancy too much could negatively effect my mind or my physical health?”. In terms of mental health, I sometimes wonder if embracing the darkness too much can make someone turn “evil”, but morality and what “good” and “evil” are is such a complex topic with innumerable different perspectives, so that’s not what I want to discuss in this post. Suffice to say, as long as one doesn’t deliberately use their Magick to hurt innocent people, that’s “good” enough for me.
Now onto what I actually want to talk about… For context, this comes after I had spent four and a half days in the hospital, after a prior medical procedure which inadvertently triggered a highly traumatic and catastrophic bleeding event. I do not exaggerate when I say that I lost so much blood that I was a hair’s breadth away from completely blacking out and dying. My vision rapidly blurred until it went completely black, I could feel that my eyes were open, but I still couldn’t see. I also became extremely dizzy and couldn’t walk straight and felt so weak that I had to desperately try to support myself by holding on to every surface I could grab. Ultimately I collapsed to the ground after an objectively horrifying amount of putrid dark red (almost black) blood gushed out from a certain part of my body that will remain unnamed. Although I don’t believe I ever fully lost consciousness, I was utterly blind and all but deaf at this point as well, and I sat there ready to accept what felt like the inevitable embrace of death. Luckily my parents woke up and found me just in time to call an ambulance. While in the hospital I was visited by my personal doctor who performed that prior procedure on me, and she said that the results she found were the worst she had ever seen in her career, and that she was very surprised that I had appeared asymptomatic for such a long time, because what was going on inside me must have been progressing for at least several months in order to get to the point that it did.
So despite the fact that until recently I had been feeling fine, this insidious illness has been silently ravaging my body for a long time and I was unable to perceive it. (Clearly I have a flair for the dramatic in my description, if you really want to know what illness I have or genuinely care, it’s Crohn’s disease, but still, it’s a chronic condition that is very obviously fatal if untreated, so it’s actually a lot more serious than most people might think.)
I’m rambling again as I usually do, though to be fair, recalling all this trauma so soon after it just happened has also scrambled my thoughts a bit. My point is, I believe I have all the confirmation I need that focusing almost exclusively on Necromancy is objectively bad for my health. After all, I’m a living being that’s channeling the pure unfiltered essence of Death itself, that’s like walking directly into the irradiated remains of the Chernobyl reactor. After spending that time in the hospital for some deep existential contemplation, I’ve decided that I need to “get back to my roots” again in terms of how I practice Magick. When I first got into the Occult, I identified as a “Wiccan”, and focused primarily on honing my union with Nature. While I am no longer interested in labeling myself in that particular way, something that one quickly learns when working with the natural world is that it is all about maintaining balance. So my conclusion is that I shouldn’t completely abandon my natural affinity for Necromancy, as life and death are a fundamental cycle of Nature, but in order to help myself heal and recover from that previously mentioned recent incident, and from my illness in general, I must completely overhaul my identity as an Occultist and return to my union with Nature where it all started. There I can focus on maintaining a proper balance of Life and Death energies in order to cleanse myself.
(Also obviously I’m going to be following up with my doctor and seeking out new stronger medical treatments to keep my disease under control. I’ve never been on “biologics” before, but my doctor wants me to start taking Entyvio as soon as possible. I really hope it goes well for me and I don’t get any of those really scary side-effects.)
So now that I’ve shared my story, I’d love to know if anyone else here has experienced something like this. What do you all think of the idea that Necromancy can come with serious health risks? I’ve already started seeing some posts about it. I also do wonder if coming this close to death has actually made my power stronger, though right now it still feels too early to tell.