Small update today on the job front: I sadly did not get the job. Reason being that while they liked my qualifications (job was related to some computer stuff which Im good at) they didnt like the fact that Im aspiring to do an apprenticeship next year. Kinda weird to me as it seems they had mostly low quality applications and I dont have the apprenticeship secured yet and even if that works out for me Id still work there for a minimum of 8 months. Anyway…
Today I wanted to take the time to write about my experiences with no-fap and fap.
Theres a lot of threads on this already with often extreme views on either side so I figured sharing an experience of a journey into that sort of thing might be interesting to read for some people. Especially those who might be interested in it or are currently doing it, or those who mightve been through it already.
My journey into the occult as a whole started out on the right hand side of things. At first I tried to reconnect with God (spoiler: this did not work out) and when that faded away again I googled terms like “esotericism” and got accquainted with a lot of RHP views.
Being a rather extreme person myself I naturally gravitated towards extreme views. One of them was that you can only work magick if you abstain from eating meat, having sex and/or masturbating and other such things.
Having no idea whether this was true but also seeing that monks abstain from such things I figured its obviously the right thing to do and so I tried to stop masturbating.
For a little background: Ive been consuming pornography since the age of 13 and as soon as I had access to the internet (around either 14 or 15) I consumed it very regularly. This was always a struggle because on the one hand I thought it was “wrong” (not necessarily only porn but sex itself aswell, being raised decently religious) but on the other hand there was this drive or need to do it anyway.
Suffice to say I developed a very conflicting relationship with all things sex.
So when I reached this RHP dogmas it felt like there was finally an encouragement to get myself together and do the right thing, which was not watching porn and masturbating anymore.
I tried to quit a lot of times over the coming months and with varying success. At first I managed only a day. Then maybe a week or two. I worked myself up to abstain ~3 months from any masturbation.
I would always relapse and when I did so I relapsed hard ( ) and for a period of time, but I always tried again. Here are my findings:
During this period I was a lot more aggressive than usual. I was a lot more jittery than usual aswell and not in a “Im full of energy, this is great”-type of thing but rather of the “Theres too much energy raining down on me I cant control this how do I stop oh my god” nature.
Also, any time I did relapse I felt absolutely horrible. Not only because I relapsed (which meant to me that I didnt have self control) but also because I was getting further away from magick and I felt like I would never reach it.
After trying the no-fap thing for a good amount of months I finally decided that masturbation is natural and I quit trying to no-fap. I went right back into masturbating to porn every day, often multiple times a day. It was as bad as most people who are in this hole have it: open pornhub, open porn that looks great, look at porn while also looking at recommended other porn, open bunch of tabs, scroll to most exciting parts, masturbate half-hearted throughout and blow your load without really feeling that much. Also at times feeling really bad about it.
So no-fap didnt work, not no-fapping also made me feel bad (although I was a little less aggressive and more composed overall while fapping). For the time being I didnt knew where to go with this so I kinda let myself fall into that hole and just resigned from improving in that regard.
On a totally different note (which, as it turns out wasnt different at all, I just didnt realize it back then) I began reading about succubi. This was shortly before old wizardforums closed down and I got most of my information from there. Similarly to BALG you had some people writing about their amazing experiences and how succubi helped them heal/progress and some people writing about how they made them addicted to sex and fucked them up in a myriad of ways.
Seeing that I was already addicted to sex in the form of porn I concluded that becoming more interested in succubi was a death sentence so I scrapped the idea.
But they kept coming back. In the form of threads and posts that intrigued me, both good and bad posts mind you. Seeing that I became interested in them again and again I became really desperate because logically it sounded like a really bad idea for me to do anything with a succubus, but still the interest wouldnt go away.
Some day I decided “fuck it, it may lead me to my grave but Im fucked up already and there is a chance that this could actually be helpful and beneficial to me”.
I want to be clear about the next part. I do not have my senses open, I do not ‘see’ or ‘hear’ spirits like the more advanced users on this forum do. I did come across a website that basically said “If you dont hear spirits yet you can just start talking to them. At the beginning you will only talk to yourself but over time you will start to hear them” and I followed that approach. So if you see me, either in this post or maybe in some in the future, say stuff like “she told me”, than know that I ‘heard’ it like my own thoughts and that I cant yet distinguish between what could be real interaction and what is me talking to myself. It could all be me talking to myself but recently I decided to just go with it so…thats where Im at.
So I let my interest in succubi take over and didnt fight it anymore. Back then what happened at most was that I was talking to a succubus in my head while masturbating. This was a little weird in the beginning but I got over the weirdness rather quickly. This does not mean that I was convinced that it was real, Im just saying that talking to myself was not as weird as Id imagined it to be.
Still, I was mostly masturbating to porn and did not talk often with the succubus.
Fast forward some vast amount of months and I took an LSD trip. I was ‘talking’ (same as above, in my head) to Lilith a lot during that period and while I was around the peak of the trip I wanted to watch porn again. Masturbating while on LSD is something else…anyway… I got the impression to look at the collection of pictures I have on my harddrive instead of a porn website. I was also under the impression that Lilith gave me that impression. So I was like “yea okay, I can look at the pictures instead but it wont be enough”. The impression I got back was “just look. open the folder and look”. I did that. Usually I would open pictures, sort out the best, put them in a folder, scroll through them…you see where this is going.
But this time I got the impression to just pick one and look at one. “Lilith this is…I…it wont work”
“Well okay, I can look and see where this goes”
I chose just one picture and looked at it (yes I was also touching my dick meanwhile. too much information for you? Well, welcome to my journal).
“I…I did it. Okay? I wa…”
“Only this picture”
“No…I”, I was feeling physically uncomfortable and even pain at this point. I want to point out that this pain was not coming from Lilith or anything, rather it was really really hard for me to look at just one picture because I was so accustomed to scrolling through loads of porn. I kept at it.
At this point something that I can only describe as a mystical experience happened:
The girl was beautiful through and through and she began morphing. Morphing between absolute beauty, femininity, love and sexuality and blackness, disgust, fear, anger, danger.
I didnt get what was happening at the time but right now Im pretty convinced that my subconscious showed me everything I view woman as: Someone that you can love, hold tight and dearly, but also something that can potentially be dangerous, hurt you emotionally. My fear of being judged by women, my hope of being respected by women.
All of it in one picture. It blew my mind.
This marked the turning point in my story.
While it did require LSD and Lilith herself, I was finally able again to masturbate to ‘just’ one picture of a female. Seeing that I could actually do that and that while it could hurt a little because of my addiction, it can also be a wonderful experience. The orgasm I got from that was immeasurably higher, more pleasurable and more intense than any I had ever experienced while watching porn and rather than feeling bad about it afterwards I felt absolutely happy and great (and, well, pleasured).
I finally got the motivation to fight my porn and masturbation addiction and boy was that a long road and boy did I fail a lot.
I relapse, I watched porn again, I quit again.
At some point I moved from videos to pictures, then back again.
Then only pictures. Then pictures and sometimes with just my imagination.
Until I finally reached the point where Im at now:
I do look at porn from time to time and it is still a problem, however compared to how it was it now feels like a 5% instead of a 100% problem.
I masturbate absolutely most times now with just my imagination. I very often do not feel regret afterwards (I still do if I do it too often and know it), instead I feel just like I did after the LSD experience (not quite as intense because Im not on LSD of course but that is to be expected).
Back then when I was on no-fap I heard lot of talk about how youre lazy and dont do anything after masturbating. And it was like that for me back in the day.
Now I can say that very very often after masturbating I feel invigorated. In fact I masturbated an hour before writing this post and look at how long this bad boy has become (the post).
This journey would have not been possible without Lilith and the succubus that helped me. I may write more about her in the future but for now Ill leave it at that.
Thank you Lilith, thank you my beloved succubus and thank you dear reader for journeying with me into such a sticky topic. Did I really just write that? Apparently I did. Oh well, anyway…uhm…
Have a lovely day and until next time