In Peter Carroll’s Liber Null, he talks about the correct state of mind for effective magical working, and emphasized the importance of “non-attachment/non-disinterest” in the work. The will can only be effectively worked with when the mind is focused and there is no desire. Thus, it is imperative to act without “lust of a result”:
“If an attempt is made to focus on some form of desire, the effect is short circuited by lust of result…fear of failure…destroy the result”
I’m sure we all know this already- these are the basics of magick working. However, I sometimes find this quite difficult to achieve, even though it is rudimentary. I think the reason for this is because ever since I have started magick-working, half of the challenge has been convincing myself that magick is even real at all.
That might sound ridiculous, but how does one change a belief they’ve had their whole lives? I was born into Judaism, but never believed in Yahweh or the Torah, and developed a strongly agnostic approach to life, which even bordered on atheistic and nihilistic at times. Magick interested me, so I wanted to try it and see if there was anything to the mysticism shrouding it. I didn’t expect to stick with it or come this far at all.
It seems no matter how much proof of magick there is to me, how many books on magick I read, or other people’s experiences that I hear, there’s still that seed of doubt in my mind that any of it is real; it works incredibly to sabotage any work that I do. It doesn’t seem to matter that Bune granted me a job, that Paimon granted me an amazing familiar, or that most of my spells do work- what if it’s all in my head?
Maybe I’m just going through a bit of a rough patch with it. I’m finding it hard to sense my familiar, and my evocations the last few days have not been very successful. These two contradictions exist in my mind at all times. I miss my familiar and want to sense him again.
So, I guess my question is this: Did you immediately believe in magick when you picked it up? If so, how was it so easy for you to change your belief system? How do you deal with doubt?