It has been for like…30-32 of my 34 years.
I found at a young age it was easier to shut down all emotions than it was to figure out what was going on. But this leads to just being a shell of person who doesn’t even know what they want. I don’t recommend it long term.
The trouble with this is it’s caused me to alienate myself in way from others. I keep things distant always. I’ve been known to refrain from using people’s names even though I knew them, simply to lessen how close they can become to me.
I can relate to everyone because I can truly feel what they do. No one can relate to me because they simply can’t. (Exaggeration a bit but it’s how I’ve felt most of my life.) I’ve always been great with advice and problem solving because I can get into peoples heads.
Sometimes I know things I can’t know to go along with it. Like how things got to where they were or what was about to happen.
The biggest aide was leaving my toxic home. Suddenly I was much less muddled and able to sift through all this better. I still keep people at a distance, turns out I just don’t like stupid people, I’m blunt, open and honest and it’s hard for a lot of people to take. Knowing myself and what I truly desire ( despite whatever I’ll let people think about what I want and where I am) has made it easier to determine when emotions are not mine.
I think the most astounding thing however was when I discovered I not only could feel other people shit but that I could push mine willingly onto someone. The most outstanding case of this to date was the first accidental occurrence.
I had just left home. I rolled my truck three times in snow and totaled it. My best friend drove 13 hours to help me out but then he turned into a mega jerk. I ended up in a homeless shelter. I was hyperventilating, wtf do I do. Another lady came up to me and touched my arm and I just was like. “Not now. I’m not this weak, I’m not having this asthma attack. Next thing I knew she was clutching her chest and screaming at me wtf was I doing to her. I think I stood there just kinda baffled for a few minutes.
Now I feel like I can control the outflow almost completely. The inflow can be murky but it it’s manageable. I shield and filter a lot of it simply away, into the ground, don’t even stop to let me see you. Sometimes it’s I can’t filter it away though.
When I can’t get rid of it I analyze it. I distance myself enough to determine what it is I’m feeling. I go through the list of who is close enough to me to affect me remotely like thst. Usually it comes down to my roommate, my daughter or the boyfriend. Sometimes I’ve been able to determine its the ex best friend even.
At first I truly thought I was nuts. Months of experimenting and question has taught me if I pause and work through it like thst… the source always turns up. Usually they reach for me later in the day.
Instance for example was one day about two months ago I felt overwhelming sorrow. The only thing I could label it was … the greatest sorrow of someone’s lifetime. Talked to the boyfriend. Checked the daughter. Determined it had to be my roommate. She’s lost three children and two in the last four years. She was working at the time but when she came home she relayed how someone had triggered her emotions and she’d been unable to reign them in.
Somehow that touched me. 25 miles away in our home while she was working. No one was here but my wannabe-dog cat.
Lots of research and study had lead me to the common names and labels for people like me. I think I’ve read every book on empaths on amazon. It’s not really helped me learn to control it. To be honest shielding helps but doesn’t remove the sensitivity.
Most books don’t address how to transmute the energy or affect others remotely. They do address using it to get in peoples heads but hell. I’ve always had a knack for that. The next steps were what I sought.
I feel like I found them. For me least at. It’s been more on my own, with experience and experimentation that has lead me to be able to control myself better with both the inflow and the out. The biggest breakthrough was realized it’s ok to be human. It’s ok to have feelings of my own even if I can tell no one else can comprehend them. See if I can feel what your feeling, then I can know if you get it or not. I’ve learned it’s ok feel that way sometimes. Boyfriend helps. Really he does. He’s learning enrgy work, so if I’m down he is actually able to do some of what I do for others.
Accepting me for me… priceless. Keeping myself grounded… also thanks to the boyfriends aide has helped tons here. Learning to expel the extra energy and balance myself.
Gosh Idr what the point was now. Oops guess that means I must be done here.