Attachment -my new conclusions

Attachments and the process of self actualization
In the process of personal evolution weather it be by small installment or a leap here & there, there is always an attachment. Even when thinking that the past achievements or wrongs when in coming to notice that that thing or career that took all of every drop of blood inside just to to get to the point of “getting good” or being recognised that is an attachment in and of itself, a point of pride and why not but when an event occurs and you “loose” it or are unable to pursue that passion of love and pain because you Can’t then that still same Thing of being attached to is no longer a point of pride it becomes a point of grevious sorrow and instead of being a fond jewled memory and all that blood poured into this goal this adventuring fire just bleeds blisters…
On a background so that I make some sense:
In my 20’s i studied a double major in music studied 2 instruments with 6hrs day on my second instrument. Yes my life was advanterous career options music has always been my passion… so what happened.
A series of tragic events wherein I really just lost it. [(Pregnancy & childbirth didn’t help)]
My point after all this emotive coloration is simply attachment.
I have moved forward and considered myself no longer attached to this and gotten to the point where i can listen to violas orchestral and opera -even operetta- with enjoyment and less analysis of how the music is performed and better yet the bloody stirings of disappointments that I was so proud to have come so far in letting go of. Note how emotions and intelectualizing are also attatchements.
So by further clawing my to actually elucidating my Topic’s point besides my dancing around it with my overdone use of adjetives in picturesque form I am continuing to side step my purpose.
But to continue: since Dec '18 after finding this forum I began to explore evocation with Belial learning and changing feeling proud of my new achievements in how Non-Attached I had become. And then I began my 30 day agreement to contact Azazel. At first he showed me his draconic form, then nothing as if He was being non verbal but then I was confronted with seeing violins on display at work -also a new progress, [(im volunteering in an opt shop a few hrs wk)], and i become chocked by the feeling knowing that I am still attached to it weather I feel its a good or bad feeling doesn’t matter but the trigger made its point. As once again I felt confronted with absolute loss. So naturally I thought I had not recovered as much as I believed, that is just a belief because I know that I had. So attatchement does not completely dissappear unless our ego/selves/souls ergo our consciousness either dissappears or goes to sleep, as when we are truly able to drop into ourselves that start where we are beyond the TGS where we “die and are reborn” in that same hour and we don’t care one way or another if we have this lifestyle or that superpower -lets face every magian considers themselves entitled / or already having such things
So on and on we are always attatched when we are experiencing this life…
So. When in the practice of self actualization or uncovering the bonds that trap our deific selves our much sought after evolution to become gods / goddesses we must also release these things which are our attachments of the past or the future and fully experience the now and the ever changing now. Being in a non attached state absolutely means we must fully completely put to death our ego’s ourselves. The fine line of living in the now and being non attatched just does not fully bloom because you cannot be here and not experience the now… cause even now has a then and a will be.
Digression aside. Im not obsessed with what I lost because of two things; one in the ever present now I still have it and two it was never mine to keep, therefore I am not attatched to it and it is not my anchor nor my binding. I can love it in the moment and not care the next.
However I may again feel that “attachment” to something that held so much of my blood.

I found in learning from Belial a willingness to sacrifice fears it was no longer enough for me to tell myself in the mirror that I have “no fear no regrets no shame no guilt”, and He showed me how with patience and affection. Azazel has and is confronting my assumptions by placing me or manipulating my decisions to do things . Such as voluntery work - not out of personal meekness but to push me to regain and improve on my social skills (and more) on “working”. He has enlightened my ideas and beliefs challenging what I thought was my limit. Yes I know that people claim Him to be harsh yet for me these Beings have understood how much I used to suffer in my old and many attachments.

This tonight is my personal gnosis of what attachment means to me and how when living in a state of non attachment is becoming actualized.

[(I know my descriptions are a little waffly but im thinking on my feet so to speak)].