First off, I should call myself out as a stranger in a strange land. I’ve always been fascinated by this side of enlightenment but I’ve never done more than google, read, and talk to a handful of practitioners. I definitely don’t mean any trespass or disrespect being here as I’ve always been interested as an observer, but recently I’ve been just trying to think a little broader.
I’m in my 30s and I got out of a long term, traumatic relationship about a year ago. It was the type of thing where I went along with a lot of stuff because it was going to end in marriage, it was going to end in a family, and for a guy like me to have a dream come true, it would be worth it. Well, eventually, it wasn’t anymore. And eventually, my immune-deficient family members needed someone to take care of them during all of this, so I made the decision to come home and take care of them, which has made getting back out there hard.
So, to the point and why I’m here, a little high, a lot miserable. About ten years ago, I was looking into spirits, succubi, etc, and I felt… hesitant about committing to anything because of the bad stories I’ve heard and a couple I’d witnessed. And by all means–the bad stories seemed to be from absolute dumbasses who didn’t act with respect and didn’t know what they were doing, so they ended up way over their heads when they probably just wanted to bang Morrigan from Darkstalkers without realizing there was someone with feelings on the other end of their orgasm. (I did ghost hunting in my area for a while, and two of the cases where there was actually something was determined to be that after a little bit of prodding.) Anyway, I ended up finding a blog where a fellow talked about his day to day life with his partner, a succubus, and he very kindly let me ask him several questions about everything, and if she had the energy, she would give her advice as well. And, frankly, her advice set me on a path that was very successful and… happy. I asked him if a succubus would right for me, when at the end of the day, I hope to get married and have kids some day, and I don’t want to take advantage of anyone, nor do I want to offend or get in over my head. And she said, I remember it almost exactly, “You have a very kind heart. I would love for one of my sisters to spend time with you, but I do not think this is the right time for you. I think you would be happier with a human girl for now.” And within a month, I met the a girl I spent a very long, happy time with–which definitely didn’t feel like a coincidence, not one bit.
Well, these days… I’m mostly at home and miserable. I’m fulfilled in many ways. I’m creative every day, I’m helping my family, I have time to check in with my friends. But I feel awful about myself. I’ve regained much of the weight I lost and all the time I spend on dating apps is filled with people either instantly unmatching me, or taking the time to tell me I’m fat, ugly, or a loser. I definitely don’t think I’m bad looking, but all of that has dragged me down to the point that I hit my lowest low and hired an escort yesterday. That’s not the low point–I have nothing but respect for sex workers. But I was very honest with her. I miss the actual intimacy as much as I miss the sex. I miss hugs, I miss kisses, I miss someone telling me that being a nerd isn’t horrid and that my writing is going to make a difference, I miss someone who isn’t related to me giving a shit about me, I miss feeling sexy, I miss feeling desired–not just my body (which, granted, is a bit of an ask), but who I am as a person. And I told her that I’d pay her for her time with no expectations, just hang out with me, have food, talk to me. But at the end of our time, we didn’t have to do anything physical if she wasn’t attracted to me. It was a fun two hours. Shared food, watched a pretty great show on TV, laughed a lot, and… as our time drew to a close, she said that she appreciated being asked for full consent and said that she’d prefer not to do anything physical. Which, I mean. My spirit still feels good, but I feel somehow even worse about myself, even lonelier.
And now I’m left where I was 10 years ago. I’m in therapy for lots of stuff, but I don’t know what can replace the touch of a lover. Googling around, finding out about spirits, magicks, wondering if it’s safe, wondering if it’s right for me. Worried about taking the plunge because I just don’t know enough of anything and I don’t want to disrespect anyone I invite to my home, as well as not knowing what’s appropriate or not with a house with two older folks and our various animals. Searching led me to a lot of weird Reddit threads, a lot of conservative religious sites giving warnings, and eventually, here, where it seems like there is a thriving, warm, helping community. I know very little, and what I do know is known as an outsider. Can anyone here help me? Am I totally barking up the wrong tree based on a couple of blogs a long time ago?