Another Day, Another Challenge [The Path of Smoke]

One of the issues I’ve struggled with my entire life is trust.

Honestly, several people in my life were pretty shitty to me and cut me very deeply. Nothing new for us at BALG … we’ve all got our share of scars.

I’ve worked at dealing with those trust issues for many years, letting it go layer by layer.

Learning to trust the spirits I worked with was a major success for me.

When I came to BALG last year, I faced my religious-based fear programming and finally defeated it.

Since then, I’ve worked with many “demons” which would have terrified me at one time and come to see them for the Intelligent and Conscious Forces that they are.

They’ve challenged me to work through my trust issues with them.

I can’t see spirits the way other people can. I can’t consciously control my astral sight or clairvoyance. Sure, I’ll get a brief clairvoyant flash or glimpse of something, but I can’t see a spirit in the astral the way many can.

I’ve come to accept and honor that. My sense of feel is stronger than other people, so it’s just a different strength rather than a weakness.

And the spirits challenged me to accept them without seeing them. I understand they aren’t really “that form” anyway, so I was able to work through it and let it go.

It honestly took more trust for me to just speak to them telephatically in my mind than it would have if I could have seen them “externalized”.

I’ve also had to learn to trust my intuition.

Looking back through the years, I now realize I’ve “known” things quite often. I just discounted them.

Every time I looked outside myself for the answers, I was pushed back to engaging with my own spiritual connection.

So I got into the habit of having lengthy conversations about things with the spirits I worked closely with. And they were wonderful.

They never lied to me and always gave me information in a way I could understand.

And when I evolved, they would evolve with me and explain how the previous model wasn’t as useful as this current model.

I came to love two spirits so much that I absorbed them into my own self and “our waters became as one”. It’s part of the process I went through that allowed me to open up the Path of Smoke now rather than years from now.

When I committed to working through the Path of Smoke, Ahriman simply asked that I let go of all spirits except for him. Not permanently. Just while working through the Path of Smoke with him. And I agreed.

But I’ve fallen into a very bad habit. I’ve trusted Ahriman completely, the same way I did with my former spiritual companions.

I started asking him questions, trying to understand this new path I"m walking. And he’s provided many answers.

At times, I’ve asked him to do something for me, like reminding me of something I didn’t want to forget. That’s something I had come to rely on from my previous spiritual companions.

Ahriman would simply say “No. Do it yourself.” And I would. A firm reminder of my own personal responsibility.

The last couple of days I’ve felt a little confused, trying to figure out how to work this path into my daily life.

I like to get into a routine because it helps me stay focused. I have a strong Will and I’m very good with self-discipline.

So I’ve asked Ahriman for guidance. He’s told me what to do, but it seems rather weak. He hasn’t suggested I work as hard as I’m used to working on my magick.

When I performed the Rite of Consecration, he called me “son” and I knew it was symbolic of my initiation as his student.

But he’s also praised me several times for an insight I’ve had. And the truth is, it made me feel good. I liked the praise.

Still, I couldn’t shake this feeling I wasn’t working hard enough on exercises.

Don’t get me wrong … the emotional work is challenging. I’m constantly challenged to remove this limitation or that limitation.

Ahriman has told me to “just trust him” over and over again. And I have.

Today, I was reading the “Ignition of the Black Sun” when this line leaped out at me …

“Experience is everything to the Black Magus as blind faith simply leads one to the slaughter through enslavement.”

And it hit me like a ton of bricks … I’ve just given Ahriman my blind trust when my own intuition is telling me something else.

I felt a little betrayed and a little disgusted at myself for enjoying his approval. And then I heard Ahriman’s reply in my head: “You are being forged into a living weapon. You will become a sword to cut through the confusion.”

I understood what he was saying, that I was walking a path of adversarial challenge and that I would find new challenges every step of the way. That I was being hammered into a new shape.

But I didn’t know what to actually do to take the next step forward. I struggled with it for a few minutes, then made my choice.

I called forth my own god-form from deep within me and into my mind, choosing to speak to a part of myself as I would any other spirit. And I asked my own god-form a question I didn’t consciously know the answer to regarding what development exercises I should perform.

And the answer flowed into my mind from my own intuition through my god-form.

Ahriman said simply “Well done, my son.”

Out loud, I said “I am not your son. I am a god becoming.”

A profound sense of approval flowed through me as he replied “And so you are.”

Today, I learned to trust myself above all others. And now I can trust others because I trust myself to know when I should trust others. The time for doubts has ended.

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It’s so satisfying to watch you climb the magickal ladder in your ascent.

Another challenge overcome, many more to go but your goal is becoming nearer and nearer, and I’m honestly excited for you.

Enjoy the journey my friend!

~Aluriel

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I’m beginning to grasp what Akomanah meant when he told Kurtis:

“The only comfort you will find is that which you have the strength to create and perceive yourself.”

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I am tired tonight. Full of energy, yet emotionally tired. Today felt like a brutal day in the dojo. And in some ways, it feels good to work out these “new muscles” and stretch myself.

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