At this point in my journey I would say I know myself pretty well. I’ve purposely torn my life apart to the point of intentionally becoming homeless on multiple occasions in order to figure out who I am. I’ve brought shadow work into the physical on a level that’s caused interventions from friends and family who thought I’d gone mad. Throughout my journey, I’ve seen and experienced so many things that have forced me to confront the man in the mirror so to speak.
At this point I really shouldn’t complain. But isn’t that in essence what a blog is for? I’ve realized that I’m at my strongest when everything is falling apart. And to be honest, when life is going well that’s when I become weak. That’s where I’m at now. My wife is no longer at risk of dying from health complications. My brother and I are on good terms and no longer ruining lives. I have a roof and for the most part I break even every month paying off my Olympic level of debt. The Gods have been kind I suppose. On top of all that I do get the adrenaline I need as the CFO of a rather controversial nonprofit and within the Private security sector. So Even there, I get my needs met…
That is what bothers me however. Even when I was a child I had the same mindset. When there is chaos and friction I’m in top form. When life is good I’m expecting the hammer to drop. As I’d mentioned, I’ve become soft. I’m too comfortable and yet I’m in constant panic mode because I’m not used to this. My life has become stagnant and predictable in many ways. Over the last year It’s been the same for the most part.
Within the nonprofit, My Brother, the board members, and myself do the same thing every week. We have meetings, do major outreach and ‘lifestyle overhaul’ for those whom no one else will help. We gain information and repeat the same process. I check up with the same clients who have the same problems…every.single.day. It’s tedious but necessary I suppose. Officially we utilize patient advocacy along with advocacy for mental health patients, prisoners, and troubled teens. Off the books we use resources to acquire information about corrupt corporations. This has made us a lot of enemies even just within the year that we’ve been established as a company.
With my job in Private security I protect the kind of people who really don’t deserve the protection they receive. I jump when they give the commands and I run errands, if you want to call them that. I work this job with my brother who has the same sins and habits I do. We’ve both survived and seen too much to ever be satisfied. Cut from the same cloth.
At home, I take care of my wife on a daily basis. She may be cured of her physical ailments but in doing so we fucked up her mental health (excuse the cursing please) Even though she can now walk and do things we’d never thought possible she’s become unbalanced. This is my fault in many ways. I used magic, frequency, and uncharted sciences to cure her. I hadn’t listened to Marbas and Uphir as closely as I should have and she was damaged as a result.
She used to have the mind of a scientist and the heart of an artist…Now her only mental consistency is her inconsistent nature. This has caused so many problems over the years. Hospitalizations, violence, ect. A lot of bad situations. Still, the dynamic has become too familiar. I’m yet to find anything that will really help her. Magic, meds, meditation, ect. nothing has fixed her mind and Marbas keeps saying ‘give it time.’ It’s been a few years with the same results.
I think part of what bothers me is that I hadn’t expected to live this long or become this comfortable with life. I mean the shelf life of an adrenaline junkie only goes so far right? My guardian angel and guardian demon work over time to protect my ass. Of that I am certain. They’ll probably chew me out when I finally do kick the bucket. Now I’m a 30 something year old child who doesn’t want the picket fence and family that I’ve been graced with. I don’t do well with responsibility. I’ll admit that much about myself and my guides point it out consistently. I also feel lonely in spite of never having the luxury of being alone. Surrounded by humans yet feeling closest to those of a much higher vibration. My companions and spiritual court carry me daily.
This complacency and predictability have led me to many vices. Most of which are destructive. I’m at a point in time where I’m at a cross roads. I’ve deteriorated as a soul and this is unacceptable. I’ve become soft and apathetic on the inside. I still have enough compassion to realize I have too many people who depend on me to do what I would have in the past. The old me would have burned everything down and started over. My demons and deities have made it clear this would hurt too many people in the process. It would be selfish. I may be a lot of things but selfish isn’t one of them. Even as I’m writing this I can hear Belial, The Morrigan, and Baron Samedi laughing in unison. Bless their dark hearts.
So instead I’m performing a ritual over the weekend. It’s a way of amplifying a pact I’d made awhile back. I’d requested from various deities that if I’m not growing as a soul they have permission to remove whatever they need. They can take a no holds bar approach to reforming my life and creating upheaval. Perhaps I am growing and don’t realize it. I don’t honestly know. I suppose I’ll find out during the ritual, I’m interested in finding out what my patrons and matrons will tell me when I request yet another massive change. I need the guidance of the darkness now more than ever.