A hope for upheaval

At this point in my journey I would say I know myself pretty well. I’ve purposely torn my life apart to the point of intentionally becoming homeless on multiple occasions in order to figure out who I am. I’ve brought shadow work into the physical on a level that’s caused interventions from friends and family who thought I’d gone mad. Throughout my journey, I’ve seen and experienced so many things that have forced me to confront the man in the mirror so to speak.

At this point I really shouldn’t complain. But isn’t that in essence what a blog is for? I’ve realized that I’m at my strongest when everything is falling apart. And to be honest, when life is going well that’s when I become weak. That’s where I’m at now. My wife is no longer at risk of dying from health complications. My brother and I are on good terms and no longer ruining lives. I have a roof and for the most part I break even every month paying off my Olympic level of debt. The Gods have been kind I suppose. On top of all that I do get the adrenaline I need as the CFO of a rather controversial nonprofit and within the Private security sector. So Even there, I get my needs met…

That is what bothers me however. Even when I was a child I had the same mindset. When there is chaos and friction I’m in top form. When life is good I’m expecting the hammer to drop. As I’d mentioned, I’ve become soft. I’m too comfortable and yet I’m in constant panic mode because I’m not used to this. My life has become stagnant and predictable in many ways. Over the last year It’s been the same for the most part.

Within the nonprofit, My Brother, the board members, and myself do the same thing every week. We have meetings, do major outreach and ‘lifestyle overhaul’ for those whom no one else will help. We gain information and repeat the same process. I check up with the same clients who have the same problems…every.single.day. It’s tedious but necessary I suppose. Officially we utilize patient advocacy along with advocacy for mental health patients, prisoners, and troubled teens. Off the books we use resources to acquire information about corrupt corporations. This has made us a lot of enemies even just within the year that we’ve been established as a company.

With my job in Private security I protect the kind of people who really don’t deserve the protection they receive. I jump when they give the commands and I run errands, if you want to call them that. I work this job with my brother who has the same sins and habits I do. We’ve both survived and seen too much to ever be satisfied. Cut from the same cloth.

At home, I take care of my wife on a daily basis. She may be cured of her physical ailments but in doing so we fucked up her mental health (excuse the cursing please) Even though she can now walk and do things we’d never thought possible she’s become unbalanced. This is my fault in many ways. I used magic, frequency, and uncharted sciences to cure her. I hadn’t listened to Marbas and Uphir as closely as I should have and she was damaged as a result.

She used to have the mind of a scientist and the heart of an artist…Now her only mental consistency is her inconsistent nature. This has caused so many problems over the years. Hospitalizations, violence, ect. A lot of bad situations. Still, the dynamic has become too familiar. I’m yet to find anything that will really help her. Magic, meds, meditation, ect. nothing has fixed her mind and Marbas keeps saying ‘give it time.’ It’s been a few years with the same results.

I think part of what bothers me is that I hadn’t expected to live this long or become this comfortable with life. I mean the shelf life of an adrenaline junkie only goes so far right? My guardian angel and guardian demon work over time to protect my ass. Of that I am certain. They’ll probably chew me out when I finally do kick the bucket. Now I’m a 30 something year old child who doesn’t want the picket fence and family that I’ve been graced with. I don’t do well with responsibility. I’ll admit that much about myself and my guides point it out consistently. I also feel lonely in spite of never having the luxury of being alone. Surrounded by humans yet feeling closest to those of a much higher vibration. My companions and spiritual court carry me daily.

This complacency and predictability have led me to many vices. Most of which are destructive. I’m at a point in time where I’m at a cross roads. I’ve deteriorated as a soul and this is unacceptable. I’ve become soft and apathetic on the inside. I still have enough compassion to realize I have too many people who depend on me to do what I would have in the past. The old me would have burned everything down and started over. My demons and deities have made it clear this would hurt too many people in the process. It would be selfish. I may be a lot of things but selfish isn’t one of them. Even as I’m writing this I can hear Belial, The Morrigan, and Baron Samedi laughing in unison. Bless their dark hearts.

So instead I’m performing a ritual over the weekend. It’s a way of amplifying a pact I’d made awhile back. I’d requested from various deities that if I’m not growing as a soul they have permission to remove whatever they need. They can take a no holds bar approach to reforming my life and creating upheaval. Perhaps I am growing and don’t realize it. I don’t honestly know. I suppose I’ll find out during the ritual, I’m interested in finding out what my patrons and matrons will tell me when I request yet another massive change. I need the guidance of the darkness now more than ever.


I read your entire post and sincerely hope you do find a remedy. My advice would be listen to Marbas, it’s always worked for me lol


Thank you. I would imagine Marbas knows better than I do. I’ve never done well with the waiting game. But he does give really good advise. After the ritual I’m going to post the results and try to brainstorm from there about everything.

Also, wasn’t entirely sure where to put this thread. But I know the balg community always gives good advice and has never been judgmental in my opinion.

1 Like

I’ve always been like the opposite. In fact, that’s why I never joined the O.T.O. I don’t like the idea of taking everything, including things you like and throwing it all in the trash can, or the complete destruction of life and becoming homeless etc. I always worry that things will fall apart to much, and I will wind up in jail, with everyone hating me. I worry I will permanently fuck things up too much. Congrats on curing you wife.

I’m trying to cure my husband’s mental illness. I’ve come to realize that for some people, acting is more convincing than the reality of things. Its like people have watched to many movies and they think things have to be over dramatic and not subtle, or they don’t get it. I thought I couldn’t act my way out of a paper bag cause my high school English teacher refused to cast me in a play, but now I realize that I am a good actress and very convincing when I am playing these stupid typecast roles.


I can certainly understand that. Massive change can be nerve racking especially on that scale. I feel as though facing the risk of fucking things up too much can really boost self reliance and confidence though. Once you get past the initial shock and hardship of sacrifice and still manage to come out on top it’s like a ‘wow, I actually did that.’ kind of feeling if that makes any sense.I do respect the fact that you know yourself that much though.

Thank you for that. Marbas and Uphir did most of the work, I just had to shut up and listen to them. They directed me to the use of frequencies, herbs, and psychic surgery techniques. I’m not the best at listening though so it was trial and error. At the time, my wife was intrigued by the idea of being a guinea pig so to speak. I probably shouldn’t think of it in that way though.

I sincerely hope that you can cure his mental illness. In many ways the mind is trickier to deal with than the body but it is possible. If I can find my notes on healing mental illness I can send them your way if you like. Just remember that nothing is ever truly incurable.

I love your last point. We’re taught from a young age to fake it or to allow ourselves to be forced into societal roles. It’s truly sad how many people need to put on a mask every day. But to a certain extent, the bravest of faces are the fake ones.

Not sure if double posting is allowed on Balg. But I did want to give an update. I’d done a rather extensive ritual over the weekend to attempt to find some solace and find out why I’m stagnant. I’d had a massive fire in the yard so I could burn the appropriate herbs and incantations. I threw crushed eggshells, buried an offering jar. My neighbors already think I’m nuts so I wasn’t too worried about the spectacle of it all.

After a lot of chanting and building up the energies and getting into the theta-gamma sync. I felt the spirits around me. Belial, Hekate, The Morrigan, and Papa Legba. Not always the most compatible energetically but I’ve worked with the four of them together in the past. They’ve always been brutally honest with me and that’s what I needed.

I told them of my current disposition and that I feel stagnant and dissatisfied with my progress. I gave further permission to tear away whatever may be holding me back.

It’s not surprising that Belial was the most outspoken in regards to my current situation. I was told plainly that what is holding me back is myself. That I need to trust what has been given to me and show a little gratitude. I was informed that throughout the next year I’m going to be put through some massive changes and that it was already in the works regardless. Some of these changes will be heartbreaking, some of them will be frustrating. However, all of them will force me to adapt and overcome. I can live with that.

Personally, I never dismiss an entity after a ritual. I feel as though it’s demeaning to say ‘thank you for giving me what I want…Now you can go.’ So I gave thanks and left it at my usual ‘stay if you will but go if you must.’ I left the circle and grounded myself. A bottle of rum for Papa Legba, a rum and coke for myself after the ritual.

I don’t know what to expect at this point. I’m looking forward to seeing what they have in store. But as I’ve said I’m terrible at the weighting game.

Every time I talk to Belial, it is like he says “why the heck do you even care about that loser who you don’t need.” He isn’t very impressed with my husband, and I guess I can see why. Belial in general doesn’t like those who bow down to people and kiss ass, and my husband has been the ultimate kiss ass, but ironically, that is why no one likes him.

Belial certainly does have personalities that he likes and some that he just clashes with massively. If you love him though, that’s what counts. In my experience Belial does enjoy making people into ‘projects’ so to speak although his methods are not exactly kind. Have you considered asking Belial to strengthen your husband? To build him up a bit?