Could attending a properly-run traditonal ayahuasca ritual run by indigenous shamans in south America help you maybe?
I’ve read amazing things about that unblocking people from addiction and also, opening the gateway to what people seek in “street” drugs.
Might be worth researching, you’re in pretty deep so minimising pain is a rational way to support your own health, you don’t need any more torture than necessary when getting this sorted out.
I don’t know if you saw this, but if you’re hating on yourself, I posted why I think magicians are often addicts here:
My best guess based on personal experience of alcohol abuse and observation of people around me (offline life, not internet) is some combination of these:
need to feel in control, to a moderately insane degree, combined with fascination with the feeling of being overwhelmed by an intense state of being that feels under our control
pursuit of the generally weird, shunned, and “dark” things of life
the laser-like focus you can attain when your mind and some substance are acting in harmony, and with lesser concerns and nagging psychological and physical pain eliminated
magicians’ typical love of the feeling of power and ecstatic bliss, which comes at the crest of the high, and the ability to switch mindsets and control internal environment using drugs, drink, etc
we genuinely think we can handle things “normies” run away from in fear, so why not dive deep into this stuff, we’re Special dammit!
the utter refusal to take society’s word on what’s best for us that has us summoning demons is applied to cautions about drinking too much, or using drugs
having other factors that statistically tend people towards substance use, such as dysfunctional childhoods, a feeling of alienation from the everyday world, depression, depersonalisation, derealisation, and so on, some of which are made stronger and more unbearable by magick.
All the things that make us good at magick are also things that make the call of drugs, excessive drinking, excess in any form, appeal to us.
Forgot to add, along with control-freakery, we tend to have a lot of impatience, unrealistic demands on ourselves and the world (and people) around us, and perfectionism, these are all things that tend to go with regular alteration of brain chemistry through drink, drugs, or weird sex.
It’s not IMO that we can’t handle the magick, it’s that we don’t like “reality,” so we find ways to change it, and some are faster and simpler than others.
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