It’s been that way since we were kids. Even as adults, he talks down to me. Yesterday he asked me to play this game with him and his wife, and questioned all my decisions as if he was leading me to a specific action. It’s like he thinks he’s my dad when I’m older by a year.
I guess itd easier to just avoid him, but he’s my brother. Not only would it offend the other family members, but I really don’t want to do that. Again, he is my brother. But he never seems to acknowledge how inappropriate he is. He seems to think he’s perfect. I want to have a better relationship with him, but I can’t stand his attitude.
I won’t lie. I got my own quirks that annoy him. And I’ve been working on them. But it feels like this self improvement thing is one sided. How can I get him to stop treating me this way.
Honestly, don’t be afraid of your other family members and put some distance between you. The closeness is probably affecting your perception of the situation.
I have two modes. Completely isolated myself and do my own thing, or be part of the festivities and say something “inappropriate.”. That’s that quirk he doesn’t like. I’m working on it. So far, there’s been no complaints. But he doesn’t seem to be reciprocating.
I have a sister like this. Grew up with her constantly berating me, making fun of me, when I was in trouble with my parents she would always be there to snicker and laugh at me. Not fun. This would continue in more sophisticated ways into adulthood.
What allowed me to end it for good was learning why people act this way, not just her but every kind of bully. They get off on the reactions they trigger in people, it’s like a drug for them. Sometimes they want an argument, sometimes it’s to see they made someone upset. So to end it you have to make it clear that they cannot trigger you no matter how hard they try. And you do this by just reacting in the totally opposite way they want you to and sometimes subtly pointing out you know what they’re trying to do but it doesn’t work on you.
I do this by preparing mentally for when I know I’m going to be around someone like this and having responses ready to how I know they’re going to act, and when they do have a totally detached and amused reaction to their bullshit. I look right at them smiling and respond with short sarcastic or aloof statements that they aren’t expecting and just sit back and watch their reaction with more amusement as they become the one who gets flustered. Basically flip the script on them. I actually enjoy this now because when you nail it it’s damn satisfying.
In your brother’s case he seems to be the type who needs to establish dominance and superiority and acting the way he does gets him to feel that way. Well truly superior and dominant individuals don’t act like that, people who have an inferiority complex do and acting this way demonstrates it. Know this going in and have the detached amusement I talked about. Here are some statements you can try when he starts acting up. These work for me but maybe come up with some of your own. Just remember to have the attitude he’s this immature little brother desperately trying to get a reaction and make you feel inferior and you refuse to give him that and find it funny that he hasn’t grown out of this childish behavior. Say them with that attitude, a hint of sarcasm and a smirk on your face.
“Hey that’s great thanks”
“Is that so”
“Is that a fact”
“If you say so lol”
“Ohhhh okay lol”
“Hey right on bro”
If he goes on a rant:
“You know you might consider working on being on nicer, you never know who’s listening to you”
“You probably shouldn’t go fishing today, you won’t catch anything”
“Nice try”
“Sorry what was that wan’t listening”
If he asks an obviously rude question:
“Hey great question” then just don’t answer
I have a much better relationship with my sister nowadays now that she know acting like this doesn’t get her anywhere. Her husband hasn’t figured it out yet though and falls for it every time lol. Read up on the concept of ‘grey rock’ method to get a better understanding of some of this.
It’s not so much that he’s a bully or anything. My brother is a good guy, and I know he loves me. He doesn’t get his kicks from hurting me. It’s a big more complicated than that.
As I’ve said before, I’m autistic. High functioning, but I’m impacted enough that it’s affected the whole nuclear family. Including my brother. As in to say I’ve embarrassed him. He’s always been popular, so I’ve been envious of him. I’ve always felt like he shows me up, like I have to compete with him. So, to an extent, we’ve both resented each other.
We still try to be friends and get along, BUT like I’ve said we both have our quirks. I feel the need to present to him new ideas, information, and creative products. Obviously this annoys him. He, though, has sorta felt responsible for me, like he has to ring me back in before I say something that embarrasses him or offends others. Including extended family. But because I don’t know how to relate to them, I usually stick to myself. Which offends relatives and bothers him.
Again, it’s complicated. He doesn’t intend to be a bully, just as I don’t intend to offend people. He’s basically made a habit of being bossy and doesn’t show any sign of stopping. I just wanna know how to make him break it.
Yeah that makes a little more sense, didn’t understand your role in this dynamic and I’m glad to hear you’re working on it. I’m neurodivergent as well having ADHD and it’s taken awhile for me to control my natural impulses and reactions to things and understand how difficult that can be.
What exactly do you say that annoys him that is inappropriate, are they certain specific things or is it completely unpredictable as to when he acts like this based on what you say? Do other people think you say inappropriate things or is that just input from him?
I think the advice still applies, even if in his mind he’s trying to help he’s doing it in a condescending way and sounds as if he knows that, I suspect he enjoys that position of power and you want to remove it. Maybe leave out the sarcastic element of what I was saying but still do your best to react as nonchalantly and non-reactively as you can to his behavior, it is still childish and he’s not responsible for you.
My favorite magick method for something like this is a ritual to Michael in Archangels of Magick by Damon Brand to create a barrier against negativity.
Same reason I think I might annoy some of the people on here sometimes. Sometimes I post rants or ideas that I guess people consider to be out of left field. But I only come to realize it after the fact. That’s why I don’t post too often.
But the fact is is that he’s not as mature as he thinks he is. I remember several years ago, our folks had to leave and see my grandfather because he had a bad stroke. I had to stay due to work. He and his then girlfriend came over to keep me company. The next day, I left for an event. When I got home, the whole kitchen was full of propane. He basically left it on for 3 hours, and couldn’t be dragged away from world of warcraft to turn it off.
Another time, he watched me do dishes, preaching about responsibility. His friends came over that night. When I woke up, they were gone, but left a bunch of dirty dishes for me to clean.
And as for power, I want to have power over others. With him, I just want to be his equal. But we haven’t been equal since highschool.