Xian backgrounds

Just curious … to those of you with xian background…how difficult was it for you to finally be honest with yourself that you didn’t believe that way anymore and not only that but also embrace the err… opposite… of what they believe lol


Its still a tug of war inside, honestly, but I view it as this:
In much worse times I called upon God to help my situation. No dramatic change.
I joined LDS and became baptized, though I could not heed the Word of Wisdom.
Thought I was not pure enough. Technically I wasn’t as I continued to do magic. No dramatic change.

Started working with Goetic beings, and as I was uninformed I made a mistake or two and ended up in horseshit, while everyone else had no problem. No dramatic change.

Perception is key, has echoed in my mind the past couple days. Perhaps there was a change, dramatic or not and I’m ignorant of the fact as neither side goes out of their way to communicate with me. Perhaps because I didn’t recite rejection of my old beliefs, though I sorta did in 2013.

Nonetheless, God is not in my heart anymore.

I don’t know. I guess you try a test and validate results between celestial, infernal, elemental and atheist as approaches. That’s how I view things.

I just have a bad taste on the Judaic God.
I tried. No change.

So I took that as rejection and figured I better get allies quick.

Then they didn’t jump through hoops to help, not to mention I’m male, so they are less accommodating toward me.

So, I really can’t honestly sing goetic praises until I know, that they did more for me than the old god did, beyond a shadow of a doubt.


It was pretty difficult because of all the abusive crap that was shoved down my throat. I basically came to the decision one day that I would rather go to Hell on my feet, going on their idea of Hell, than Heaven on my knees. After that suddenly my mental health got much better and I stopped self harming :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:.


The real turning point for me was when I went through a heavy emotional crisis. I already had doubt but the final nail in the coffin was “jesus” not showing up. Lucifer DID. And I thought briefly, " this is what they mean, he tricks." But when I FELT him - when he touched me- I never looked back.


I just read the bible, and realized how illogical this faith is. And i HATE to put my faith just because someone tells me to. I have no difficult with this.


Not to mention that I’m not Jewish, so that kind of halts it there anyway.

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it was pretty easy for me now that i look back; my mom’s side of the family is greek orthodox whereas my dad’s side is kinda mixed but mostly agnostic or atheist with my dad being the latter.
i was always skeptical of it all but when my dad showed me zeigeist when i was a kid that helped me decide that orthodox/xtianity/JCI hubbaloo wasn’t for me :woman_shrugging:


Same but why do u think that is? I called on Jesus for years for pain I went through and he doesn’t answer. But why? Jesus was involved in magick so that doesn’t make sense to me why he never answers.

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It was years of going back and forth. The troll god kept feeding me lies 24/7. It was such a difficult time. Especially since how I have a family member who is a preacher, and my entire family are strong Christians.

It was just last year that I permanently let go. It’s still kinda hard to do some things nowadays, though. Sometimes I think “is what I’m doing right? Is this completely wrong?” Then I just have a complete argument with myself. :woman_shrugging:


Honestly I don’t know. I spent many years being a perfect Christian, going above and beyond, brainwashing myself, abusing myself, creating that perfect Christian wife to be bought and sold. Spent hundreds on workbooks, hours on end in church and volunteering. He just wasn’t there. IF he was a magician, then id like to think he would atleast teach us HOW to grow. And show up in crisis. But he didn’t. And that was it for me. Lucifer had nothing to prove yet he did, and he is consistent and reliable. And he teaches me. If the way he felt was Hell, I would never WANT to feel heaven. He is bliss.


When god never answering my prayers, I dropped it like a stone. In my crisis and time of need, he “turned his back” so in return I did the same.

I began researching demons for a friend, and it led me here and to evoking Lucifer.


Funny thing is me, and Jehova were on good terms originally, as a kid I’d talk to him telepathically alot and he would answer my prayers, so what happened? well i eventually got into the Rhp and would call on his power and for awhile that was great, however i got curious about the darker side of magick and the second I evoked my first Demon without using his power he turned on me.
He turned on me so fucking quick, and I began to notice how much of a dick he was and how he ran his “religion”, like a fucking monopoly.

We’re major rivals, he literally sends his fucking angels to me at times to dick with me.

Fuck that guy and fuck his son.


I don’t think spirits of the Goetia care about gender. They also seem to help most when you put in the work to complement their efforts, so perhaps it’s not so much a matter of expecting them to jump through hoops for you as it should be taking the time and effort to build a beneficial and cooperative relationship with them. :face_with_monocle:


I was a Calvinist, and of a rather elite sort. Perhaps I’m still a Calvinist in a way, believing as I do in fate and destiny, though who knows if such things are valid? I’ve contributed to well known ministries and have spent countless hours–probably years worth of time–debating and studying theology. On the internet, I’ve been accused of being Dr. James White or other well known apologists. (It’s because I have read a huge amount of works.) I’ve bested Catholic Priests and pastors of all stripes. Befuddled Mormons and JWs (but that is not hard). And even driven obscure cult groups into the height of insanity (seriously).

Even today, out of sheer habit, I still engage in random debates on Facebook, befuddling people in little Facebook groups, demonstrating the meaning of scripture. I don’t blaspheme or anything. I just continue to argue as I did all those years ago, upholding this or that doctrine. It is like a reflex. Like how when you get really good at martial arts, you start to move without thinking.

But the time of real faith has since died. It wasn’t God who necessarily failed. It was just… a sudden collapse, a realization. I had studied so much but didn’t notice that Paul’s trip to Rome was clearly fiction, physically and historically impossible, and plagiarized from Josephus (even though I had read Josephus!) and various sources. I didn’t notice all the references to Plato in the stories in the Gospels. I didn’t notice the obvious symbolic significance of the Barabbas (Jesus Barabas per Origen an company!) incident, or the meaning of the name Barabbas.

I also didn’t even realize the significant contradictions and clear narrative differences/purposes in each of the Gospels. I always squared them away, buying the whole “these are just different witnesses telling different variations of the same story.” I never once looked into it, despite years and years of scholarly debate on every other issue of the Bible–except that one, and in any case, my expertise was in deconstructing other religions, not my own. Although I suppose I did “deconstruct” my own religion in a way, insomuch that I could demonstrate that Calvinism is the clear teaching of the New Testament. And this undermines mainstream Evangelical Christianity, which is Arminian or even Pelagian to the core.

It was a sad collapse. No one knows about it, by the way. I continue with Christian friends as I did before, and I still treasure them.

One of the benefits of the experience is that… it made me incredibly tolerant. I don’t judge people who are wrong, or about what they believe. I look at people and I remember myself, and I do not judge, not anymore.


Wow thank you I studied theology as well and was present for several debates especially between Muslims and Christians so I appreciate your experience and thanks for sharing that. I’ve been thinking all day about my own experience and it’s actually a difficult question to answer but yes that was the beginning, once I realized that modern day Christianity is just rehashed Roman imperialism and all the errors in the Bible. I can definitely relate about not judging . Sometimes people make me mad but I realize a lot of the Christians are probably really hard in themselves, I know I was in that time…