I’m so mentally fucked I don’t have any confidence at all. I overthink everything so fucking much that I think if anyone else were to hear my thoughts they would snap. I’m used to it though which is a bad thing. I just hate myself inside and out. I don’t know if I have anxiety, but sometimes I feel like I’m going blackout on people and I’m always shaking, my mind is overcrowded with thoughts and fears. I’m mentally trapped inside my mind. I’ve been depressed for the longest now. I think around 5 years. I never self harm only because if I l’m going to harm myself I would want it to kill me. There’s no point in teasing death. I’m just worried about the future. I’m almost 20 and honestly don’t think I’m going to be a functioning adult. I’m gonna fuck up and either end up in jail or dead. Whatever this is it paralyzes me and leaves me with no motivation or will to live. Whenever my parents get old how am I gonna take care of them? I’m the oldest and only male. I have two sisters but I feel more responsible for them. I’m just scared out of my mind. I cry almost every single night and can’t take it anymore. No one knows I feel like this I feel hopeless. Can anyone help me? I’m desperate.
You’re young, friend. It will pass. I’ve faced similar things in my own headspace. The hardest person to stand up to is yourself. To say. “I’m not going to do this any more.” Force yourself to move forward. Once you take the first step your journey has started. Each step after gets easier. I promise you that. PM me if you ever need help.
I have already been down this road.
I lost both of my parents and my only sibling lives more than 1000 miles away. It was unexpected and swift, so I didn’t get to take care of them. I had to take over the household by myself. I had to find a job, switch utilities into my name, etc… It was pure instinct that drove me to complete what needed to be done. After everything settled, the reality that they were truly gone and I was alone set in. Mourning and grieving, I still do to this day.
Am I a functioning adult? Barely. I can only stand to work 3 days a week. I have to recover for the remaining 4 days. I have great difficulty interacting with people; I always have to restrain my true self. The demons I work with help me in that regard. They help me cope when I interact with people and keep me from unleashing. I honestly believe I have the demons to thank for keeping me out of jail or an insane asylum.
As for my mind, I don’t even know how to convey the atrocities inside. I am also “mentally fucked” in many ways.
The advice I can give right now: You’ll cross that bridge when you come to it and there is no use worrying about it now.
It is good to be prepared, however. You can discuss with your parents a game plan for when the time does come. This will help ease the worry tremendously. My mom left a folder and a box for when she passed. It had everything that needed to be done and documented. What to do with the body, her will, important information, insurance, etc…
Once you have a game plan, you’ll know what to do. This reduces the anxiety.
Treasure your moments with them, take pictures, & make videos. The good, the bad, everything… You’ll understand when they’re gone.
I just end up repeating myself. Learn a Banishing Ritual. Learn it by heart like it’s your big break in a Hollywood blockbuster – you as The Magician! Practice and rehearse until you’re perfect – the do it with as much emotion as you can fathom. After you start to get the hang of banishing, picture the aspects of your personality you wish to banish, see them represented clearly and banish them to the four corners of the Multiverse. Banishing rituals aren’t just about banishing unwanted spiritual energies and entities to clear ritual spaces.
Please keep notes in a Magickal Journal/Diary.