Where to go from here


#1

I’m not sure how many here have been through this yet but to those who have how do you guys/gals deal with magickal crisis?

The Black sun exercise has left me questioning everything, I mean everything. It’s left me in a state where I’m questioning just about every aspect of life and existence in general. I’m finding it more and more difficult to carry on normal daily life when I see so much fallacy in almost every conceivable concept and idea. I feel surrounded and smothered by the weight of stupidity and at the same time feel liberated by the knowledge that its all fake and meaningless. I am not me, there is no “I” or “Me” but I haven’t a clue who I am and not sure that it even matters. I feel the burnout coming but I don’t know if its the magick or the mundane that I’m burned out from.

My third eye while not fully developed (I can’t see energy or spirits with my eyes open) but the astral bugs and other critters are more frequent, as well as seeing people, and objects that aren’t there. My closed eye vision is much more graphic and active in the last couple weeks and its getting to the point to where I hesitate to open my eyes for fear that the images will still be there. This is as exciting as it is scary and I’m encouraged to progress but its kicking my ass along the way. I feel like I have a ton of information available to me but am unable to formulate it into coherent thoughts or make a plan of action.

I’ve spoken with someone who’s been through these kinds of things but would like to hear what you guys have to say or think.


#2

I haven’t done the Black Sun exercise but I do recognise what you’re going through. To me, the best theory I came across with, was the “Dark night of the Soul”. I guess you reached that phase now. Yes indeed, you lose just about all the believes you have. I’ve been there not once but several times. The whole purpose of this phase is for you to let go off everything you ever believed or even knew. Absolute nothingness is at your doorstep. Embrace it!
Very often, the Dark Night comes with the awakening of the Kundalini. When both events happen at once the experience can become pretty shattering. But again, embrace it. It is you, you’re whole idea of who you are and what you are, who is dying now. Most of all, it’s the death of your ego. And even though it may not seem like it, this is a very good thing. Because when you’ll have this episode behind you, a whole new “me” will be born again. That’s why you shouldn’t fight it. A god can not be born unless the little ego dies.
I know you’re hurting, my friend. But you’re on your way to becoming a god!!
Maybe I’m out of order with what I’m gonna say now, but the whole idea of Jesus being crucified, then being ressurected and later on ascending to heaven is exactly this: death and rebirth! You can find similar stories in just about every culture and civilisation throughout history.
So, if you really wanna become a god then there’s not another option then to just sit out the ride.
What helped me most was retrieving from everybody; I took my backpack and went to the woods, all by myself. It was a constant meditation which lasted for weeks.

Another advice I can give you is to do what brings you joy, relieve and fun. Forget about magic and ascention for a while. Live life and recharge your batteries. Hell, even a good joint can help.


#3

I’ve been through dark nights before but never to this extent. Before it was just a general disillusionment with he material world and a yearning for the spiritual. This is far beyond that even the spiritual seems so full of contradictory concepts and noise that it means little. I related to someone else that I feel tired of living but not tired of life, I’m not suicidal by any means its just that I have no desire to partake in the bullshit and trying to explain it to those who don’t or won’t understand is futile.

I’ve been resisting the urge to hit he bottle or get back into the drugs because I feel my old self destructive habits creeping to the surface. Go wild, fuck it, it doesn’t matter it’s all a game, time to make my own rules kind of thoughts.

I don’t know if I even want to take a break at this point, I want to push this as far as I can, I want to see what I can do and see who’ll break first me or my reality.

I appreciate your insights Bran, they are startlingly similar to the ones I just recently received, so if nothing else’s I’m in good company.


#4

No matter what, you decide! Just be carefull, dude. The mental assylums are full of people pushing it too far. Just my thoughts. :wink:


#5

Bran: Odin hung himself on the world tree and Native Americans hang themselves from flesh hooks while doing the sun dance… So yea, it’s a pretty universal thought. :slight_smile:


#6

Indeed, so it is.


#7

Julius Evola - Ride the Tiger

Now.


#8

-TWF-

Excellent post!

The reason I’m excited about your experience is…it’s working!!! The point (I believe) for this exercise and exercises like these IS to upset your thought process + ingrained systems of beliefs.

Now, you MUST remember these exercises are NOT designed to upset the practitioner on a personal level. With that being said, don’t take it sooooo personal!!!

Yeah…I know…this sounds fucked up and…"…but YOU don’t understand!!!"…I do…

One of my meditation teachers and I argued (well…I did the arguing :)) about such exercises. I did the “Contemplation of My Own Death” exercise and “Contemplation of The Death of Everyone I Love” to “break” the connection I have toward this current incarnation and the connection I have towards others…

Very very very upsetting. I was severely depressed and felt like dying myself!!!

What was happening beneath the surface was I was literally re-wiring my neuro-pathways/neural net = belief systems. This is really what Buddhist Meditation disciplines are about.

It’s kind of like going swimming for 10 minutes, getting out and coming back into the sun for 30min, then going swimming again for 20min…and so on.

Perhaps there are things you aren’t ready to “upset” yet? Bro, that is a TOTALLY OK.

The best advice I can give you my dear friend from my own experience is to be very kind and gentle with YOU. Be very kind to yourself right now…treat yourself like a newborn.

I must congratulate you however, you ARE starting to see that this WORLD is all “empty” = Sunyata = nothing and I mean NOTHING has an inherent existence in ALL phenomena. One can ALWAYS go further in breaking down the various levels of existence.
***This is very very very good -TWF-

When I first started getting familiar with Meditation, at one point I remember saying to a teacher something like…“I can’t do this…I constantly interrupted with ALL THESE THOUGHTS!!!”. I was told something that I shall NEVER forget…

“The thoughts have ALWAYS been their…YOU just weren’t aware of them”. Thus I was able to move on my Path and make some deep and lasting changes.

Have I arrived? No.

Have I had some extremely upsetting experiences such as what you are experiencing? Yes.

Please know that these types of exercises are inherent in MOST if not ALL spiritual paths that are of serious discernment. So, there really is no easier softer way. But to just some it all up from my experience -

  1. Be gentle with YOURSELF 1st…loved ones 2nd
  2. If you have an understanding woman in your life…talk to her…let her know it’s really “you” and not “her”!!!
  3. Maybe take a rest of the practice at hand, and instead…walk. Yes that’s right walk! Take long walks instead of the said practice for a week or so. Preferably outside. Walk and just contemplate that which you have been experiencing.
  4. (from my personal experience) Don’t rest too long from the Path of High Discernment however. Yes, it’s painful…but these are growing pains. You can go through them now…or later. But later usually has interest added to it…trust me…I KNOW…and it’s triple the pain my friend.

Kind regards,

M


#9

Build, tear down, rebuild…this is the formula for all growth.


#10

P.S.,

I must concur with Bran. Be careful.

I too have a “taste” for drugs, alcohol, sex and mmm lot’s more of it ALL!!! You know…fun stuff!!! I didn’t find any answers in these trivial pleasures.

I did find just a postponement of who I am.

Who am I? A being that is just wired differently than the “herd”, “clay born”, “mundane dwellers”…I will ALWAYS want to go deeper, to pierce the veil, and to seek!

That’s just what type of people we are here. So, all my drug addiction & alcoholism, and sexual appetites being satiated (so I thought) just made me hunger more for the “Truth”.

Often in my life I sought in pain what I thought was pleasure. At the end of the day it was ALL distraction from the inevitable -TWF-.

“No matter where I go there I am”
-Aristotle


#11

Make sure you are making the sun set every morning. I kept forgetting and the effects were nasty. I felt disjointed, emotionless, as though my energy wasn’t all firing - like I wasn’t totally awake or was living in some sort of secondary awareness - in a dimension just below the surface - all of my old bad habits suddenly seemed automatic and uncontrollable. After spending all day or several days wondering what the hell was wrong with me, I’d realize I’d forgotten to do the sunset in the morning. Each time, I would take a moment to do the sunset, and every time I would feel a tremendous jolt and surge of energy - and I would brighten and wake back to the surface, feeling awake and in control again, though I didn’t enjoy the same clarity and feeling of peace and self-control that I had when I remembered to do the exercise on time. I do notice that reality seems much more malleable in that secondary state, but that the will and sense of self-continuity are so deadened that one quickly becomes directionless.

This exercise seems to be an energetic changing of the guards - re-allocating energetic resources to the broader “lunar” mind and then returning them in the morning to the surface “solar” mind. Unless, of course, you forget, in which case that lunar mind starts ruling the daytime.


#12

Hi WF

I too went through this “metamorphosis” at one one point in my magick development and am happy to say that it is completely normal what you are going through.

Although I have not practiced the black sun method(which I will soon) what you are experiencing I too went through but mine was the visitation of a robed shadowy apparition that appeared during my learning stages of ritual magick. It appeared on the wall of my bedroom during the calling out of various god-names. I was so terrified that I ran out of the room. It took me completely by surprise.

At times these experiences present themselves to us as a way for our consciousness to re-program itself into a completely new way of thinking and feeling and seeing, which is the norm once a practitioner begins his/her development. This is not the first nor the last. Be prepared but above all else, stay firm and confront whatever your mind and senses are relying to you. One way would be to begin a journal and write out every detail you are undergoing. It sounds childish and clichéd but, having an outlet and pouring out your mindset unto paper is a great way to release these “energies” in a creative way.

As a side note, when i encountered that “thing” on the wall I not only ran I flee. I really FLEA very quickly that night. F.L.E.A. …FLEA

stay strong


#13

[quote="-TWF-, post:1, topic:1421"]I’m not sure how many here have been through this yet but to those who have how do you guys/gals deal with magickal crisis?

The Black sun exercise has left me questioning everything, I mean everything. It’s left me in a state where I’m questioning just about every aspect of life and existence in general. I’m finding it more and more difficult to carry on normal daily life when I see so much fallacy in almost every conceivable concept and idea. I feel surrounded and smothered by the weight of stupidity and at the same time feel liberated by the knowledge that its all fake and meaningless. I am not me, there is no “I” or “Me” but I haven’t a clue who I am and not sure that it even matters. I feel the burnout coming but I don’t know if its the magick or the mundane that I’m burned out from.

My third eye while not fully developed (I can’t see energy or spirits with my eyes open) but the astral bugs and other critters are more frequent, as well as seeing people, and objects that aren’t there. My closed eye vision is much more graphic and active in the last couple weeks and its getting to the point to where I hesitate to open my eyes for fear that the images will still be there. This is as exciting as it is scary and I’m encouraged to progress but its kicking my ass along the way. I feel like I have a ton of information available to me but am unable to formulate it into coherent thoughts or make a plan of action.

I’ve spoken with someone who’s been through these kinds of things but would like to hear what you guys have to say or think.[/quote]

I do have something to relate on the eye opening thing, A couple nights ago after having had touch attacks constantly for a week (probably due the rite of Lilith a month prior), I was practicing the eightfold breath laying down on the floor with my eyes closed. I did this breath technique for the first time about 14 or 15 times and slowly opened my eyes, and looking over to a corner of the wall, saw shadows dancing around like flames.

Now what was odd about this, was that I was perpendicular to how I was laying down during the rite of Lilith, so those shadows would have been above my head if I was laying in the same spot. It indicated to me that I was meant to see them.

Second, there was no reason for the dancing shadows. No light coming in to bounce off anything, no wind outside. Silent outside and silent in the room as well as the house.

Third, the next day I performed the Qabalistic cross, the LBRP and the Rosy Cross a couple times. All activity stopped. I at the time wouldn’t have seen the shadows as it was still light inside and outside. Last night I did not see the shadows.

Fourth, I hadn’t been sleep deprived the night I saw the shadows, only the next couple days after.

My points?

  1. Sleep deprivation that I am accustomed to and the eightfold breath had very different effects as far as an altered state of consciousness.

  2. I did the eightfold breath far more than necessary for the first time.

  3. Was I startled at the shadows? Yes, bit not to the point of wetting my pants or turning on an overhead light. However, the rituals were meant to drive away parasites, not because of fear of the experience.

  4. The touch attacks were present during the eightfold breath but I concentrated solely on the breath.

  5. What was the technique?
    Get comfortable but not too comfortable. If you are not a caffiene junkie like me, lying down is probably a worse technique than sitting upright.
    Close your eyes and let thoughts subside a bit.
    Exhale completely.
    Hold eight seconds.
    Slowly breathe in eight seconds, preferably more on lungs than stomach.
    Hold breath for eight seconds.
    Slowly breath out for eight seconds.

I think it’s recommended 8-10 times. I did it for 14-15 times.

Just my experience, I have never seen anything like that before, which indicates to me I stirred something inside my head. Or who knows, maybe it was all in my head. Nonetheless, I consider it an experience.

James


#14

Oh yeah … journal it. I was glad I had my pen and paper near for the week. I practically sleep with my journal under my pillow now.
Now if I can just get myself to wake up after a dream and record it.


#15

I have had similar experiances twice, both times were preceding kundalini. Life felt like a waste, I hated pretty much everything, if my time wasn’t spent in either ritual or meditation I was frustrated, the only satisfying recreation I could find was psychedelics and even then that was because I could combine mysticism with partying.
What ended up happening is I reached a point where I was ready to change everything in my life just to see if I could make it work. The first time I told my family to piss off, ditched all my friend and disappeared overseas for several months before moving to a brand new city.
The second time I was more objective and less emotional havig done it all before, also having developed my skills a lot more I worked out a path that would lead me deeper down the rabbit hole with out being so destructive.
Both times, once I had actually let everything mundane go and decided to just let it work itself out I then slipped away into nonduality and watched my ego die. The first death was terrifying, the single most horrible experience of my life… Until it was beautiful. The second time round I just jumped and knew it would be ok.
I don’t know if you are headed to the same place as me but I hope you are because it will mean a huge leap in power and direction. I agree with some of Modes advice, if you have a lady then really make sure she knows what’s happening, thankfully my girl has been supportive of me despite the whirlwind I put her through (although it serves to catalyse her own evolution). I disagree with stopping practice though, even though some of those experiances were the hardest I have faced by leaping into the abyss I have resolve so much of the shit it my life that was holding me back, who knows how many years I would have wasted in the tangle of my own karma?
Best of luck TWF.


#16

Thanks for the responses, advice and insight from everyone it is much appreciated.

I’ve been talking to my fiancé about all of this, luckily she’s the type that I can explain what I’m feeling or thinking and have her understand. She’s pretty open minded so explaining how I’m viewing things makes sense to her, she gets the benefits of the insight without the all the work lol. She said she would like to see me slow down if nothing else as magick has been consuming me for the last 6 months easily. My downtime with it is growing less and less and I’ve been driven by results to keep pushing deeper. I know I need to step back and moderate myself but fear I’ll slow or stop my progress.

As far as the Black Sun exercise goes I did have a problem remembering to set it for a while and it did cause some unsettling feelings. I’m not sure if all of this is due to the sun exercises or when I changed the exercise to where I was holding it and feeling the cold detachment running through me. I don’t blame anyone or anything I changed the meditation and experimented but the results didn’t really start kicking in until a week or so after I stopped it all.

I had a dream today where I was bit by a snake and was dying and while I was pissed that I had got bit because it hurt I wasn’t worried about dying. I could feel the poison working through me and killing me but it wasn’t an issue. I woke up in a more serene state than I’ve been in weeks.

I’m pretty sure now I know what I need to do even if I don’t want to admit it (which is the case with most things). A change of pace will do me some good but I’m not going to stop my practices completely.


#17

TWF in terms of what you wrote it seems to describe well the feel of A or B- which to choose, and the Potential offered to notice there is a third choice C… like there is an inner drive that is saying, you looked either there or Here, but there is more.
I don’t know if that makes sense or helps, but I sense for you that expansion could be opened…

It is frustrating at a deep level as it is getting your-sysstem (not your thoughts, nor self-talk-concepts, but the way you nervous system and actual Auric-Energy interfaces with the enviro), thus when you find that Third, it won't be just another: it forces a whole new context 

(like A: mundane vs B: Magickal are vectors on a table = 2dmin… and finding C: __ is like moving in the 3rd dim. Either going down or rising up off the table; not a possible option until- so its like left? no. right? no. and it seems those are the only 2 avail… so left&right, neither left nor right?-just sit here? no. -argh… and then AHA I should have seen XYZ (although the intell-emot realization is just part of the integration, not the actual “realization” of the shift). luck


#18

That makes sense Taokua, I know there is no choice in which path, there is only the path itself, my path regardless of how I move. There is no identity only a state of being that is ever changing or evolving. Everything simply is. I’ve been trying to fight it or change it or escape it or maybe escape myself but I know doing that is just denying myself.