Honestly sounds to me that you have met the Guardian. I am sure it goes by many different names that is just one I am familiar with. This entity constantly tests people, especially new practitioners, making them doubt everything and pushing them to leave the path. It can be as devious as a whisper in your mind saying “you don’t need to do the daily practice today” or “what is the point of any of this, just a waist of time”. It want’s to steer those who don’t have resolve away from the higher mysteries. We have all met the Guardian, probably many times, in our ascension. It is your Will to keep pushing forward that will see you through, and once you have the resolve and you melt away the doubt, many doors will open for you.
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Fuego, It’s taken me four years years of dedication to achieve even the smallest success. It’s all about the effort you put in to this path. With all due respect, you cant buy a magic wand and have what you desire. Start with the basics like candle and sigil majick. It worked for me and it’s effective. Your belief that it will work is the key. Doubt brings nothing. Just my two cents. Best of luck to you.
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Whatever you do in life, you will have problems, or challenges, the trick is for them to be the things you enjoy dealing with.
Like, if you manufactured some amazing new innovation and had become a billionaire off that, and found all the stuff about that line of work fascinating, you’d still have days when you’ve got more on your plate than you can handle, or it all just seems pointless, or whatever.
That’s the successful life, having challenges and problems of a type you enjoy. An unsuccessful person has problems, and doesn’t enjoy them at all, like working for a shitty boss in a job that bores you.
If you’re not enjoying the challenges you have in life, sit and do some good analytical thinking about that, no magick, not woo-woo stuff, just thinking about where your interests really lead and what might truly make you feel satisfied with life. 
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That’s sound advice
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Was it all going wonderful, yes and no, its always been a maddening roller coaster never on the right side. Yes, I appreciate all the advice and I apologize again for insulting anyone, I just dont see proof of my labors, it doesnt mean others havent seen proof of their labors, so it is maddening. I dont understand the point, and realizing I could drop dead at any time, it pisses me off a bit, like what goddamn thing did I miss in my foundation, what central points did I not catch?
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Where in your life is this being experienced, like do you have a mood disorder, or are you broke, or lack social life, girlfriend, and so on? If most/all the above, which is experienced as worst, or would begin moving all the others in a more favourable direction?
Like what single thing (or few things), if some changes happened, would be the beginning of your life improving dramatically? 
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Well, broke, so no girlfriend. At least here. No drivers license, no car. No place in my own name. In 2013 it was wonderful, then started the path and everything fell like a house of cards, and there is never rest unless I fuck myslef by calling off work, which is a job that doesnt pay anything. I dont get it. I dont get what I did that was so incorrect that everything fell.
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What was different in 2013? I’m trying to find the goal we’re aiming at here, first of all.
Like, would getting a better job help with things the most, for example?
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Yes, would help greatly, Its like the IT industry wished me dead in 2015. I cant cook really, I dont know how I would then fare in cooking. I can do jobs that bore me but grow tired of them quickly. Unfortunately cant do labor unless I want to snap my back plates in two, so its complicated. What do I love? Thats hard to answer. Up til now never had a plan. Might be part of the problem.
In 2013 I started the GD through self initiation. couldnt get to the lodge for the real initiation both times I went. Accident or got lost.
Then I started the mail correspondence for Fraternity of the Hidden Light and Builders of the Adytum, and got a copy of OAA.
Then I started working up to the second or third flame and tried to jump ahead in all of them. Add to that modern magick and other month by month material.
I guess that pretty much is it in a nutshell. Unfortunately I cant figure out which was the culprit.
Kicked out of two places before while evoking. Cant afford homelessness.
Family nearly got into severe accidents. In fact they did and are recovering.
So the question then must be “how much is an acceptable cost for it all? In echange for what? That we all live happily ever after?”
Women run from me or laugh at me. So again, no women.
Dont drink anymore.
Weed is my only vice as my man junk and T levels are dead. Joys of growing old and unmarried.
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Yet, with subjectivce synthesis talk, Im not sure what I actually know aside from memorization.
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Okay so how do people who have you you want in life, in terms of a job (to begin with), get it? I’m not talking about magick here, magick usually nudges probabilities, we need to know what to apply it to first.
Like if there’s a role out there in work, that you can do, and with problems you’d enjoy tackling, what is it?
And how do the people doing it, get there? You don’t have to answer me, I’m just trying to break this down into manageable chunks instead of a big heap of problems, then there’s this “learn magick” + “but it might fuck me up worse” problem added to the top.
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Well,
When I was in IT, I loved being a network technician (resolving network issues or rewiring everything) or a server engineer (builds servers from scratch up to plugging them into the network).
Outside of that, love drumming and art and magic.
Common problems I encountered was (despite my resume saying local only), would get job offers in other states or cities far away; or would require recent certifications.
The problem there was no money.
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Okay, so are there still jobs like that which you’re qualified for (phrasing it that way because I know the field moves so fast)?
If someone else was in your situatioon there, a good friend who’s had a rough time and you want to help him, what would you say?
And when did you last set aside time to do some drumming, or art? 
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All very good questions and points. Will have to think on these a bit.
Thank you all!
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I asked him something similar too
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You’re going to be good. Go back to the drawing board. , okay love.
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I know, and in exchange got to say I felt you on the pork chops, I did keto a while ago, I’d get my bacon on to grill, think “ooh I’ll quickly check the forum!”… 45 minutes later… 
Oh well, a few burnt offerings & a lot of swearing, but hopefully in a noble cause! 
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Life itself is magic when you take a step back and admire the beauty of it. Everything you do in life is a work of magick; all of your thoughts, dreams, and life choices are guided by the spiritual. To close oneself to the true nature of this existence, and to deny that the whole of this experience is nothing short of magical and spiritual is like denying oneself of air or water.
And I say to you, you do not need spells or rituals to experience the hidden wonders of this magical kingdom. Search within yourself, and you will find that this kingdom was within you all along.
Astral projection is the doorway to greater truths and wonders that this kingdom beholds. Focus your efforts on this, master it, and you will gain power and wisdom beyond that which most in the flesh will ever know.
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Said 0, 1, 2 and 10, after giving Solar Adoration for sunrise, and after invoking the trinity, Michael and Raphael.
The Pattern on the Trestleboard
This Is Truth About The Self
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All the Power that ever was or will be is here now.
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I am a center of expression for the Primal Will-to-Good which eternally creates and sustains the Universe.
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Through me its unfailing Wisdom takes form in thought and word.
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Filled with Understanding of its perfect law, I am guided, moment by moment, along the path of liberation.
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From the exhaustless riches of its Limitless Substance, I draw all things needful, both spiritual and material.
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I recognize the manifestation of the Undeviating Justice in all the circumstances of my life.
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In all things, great and small, I see the Beauty of the Divine Expression.
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Living from that Will, supported by its unfailing Wisdom and Understanding, mine is the Victorious Life.
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I look forward with confidence to the perfect realization of the Eternal Splendor of the Limitless Light.
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In thought and word and deed, I rest my life, from day to day, upon the sure Foundation of Eternal Being.
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The Kingdom of Spirit is embodied in my flesh.
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