I wanted to make this post as both a journal and a discussion since journeys are confusing.
From life getting in the way to the death of my familiar, I have slowly dwindled down to meditating once every so often.
Just as I was resigning myself to not being “good enough” at magic, I felt an intense pressure to call my patron, Lord Lucifer. He encouraged me to not let death take me off the path because “any good familiar” (his words) would want me to try once more, in their honor if nothing else.
So ever since May 12th, I have been diligently working on my chakras. On my train+bus commute to work and during my break, I try to simple focus on a color (or two) and see if my ambience’s vibrations can resonate it to make it stronger.
When I come home, right before bed, I’ll do more proper meditations where I can light a candle and focus properly.
Not much had happened, I started feeling dismayed and like I was right to try to “quit”. I called upon Lord Lucifer to see what His take was on all of this and He told me that I needed to let go more because I’m focusing to much on the self and not on what is within.
So I tried again, this time, just letting go and letting whatever happens to happen, within safe perimeters.
At first, I didn’t know which chakras to focus on so I would usually work on whichever one that I thought was right. But following His advice, I kept my mind clear and naturally let colors come to me. I worked on whichever chakra that I saw first and slowly worked my way to the next one that appeared.
It came to a head last Monday. I had this intense headache, my eyes ached and I felt incredibly drained.
Occasionally, I would feel pressure in my ears. Sometimes I would feel this suctioning pressure or feeling like something was pressing down the top of my head.
I started working every second day to see if it helped but it was like throwing a bucket of water onto a raging fire. It would go down for a moment then return with just as much force.
I tried healing ambiences during my commute then I tried to meditate on the root and heart during my break to see if either could help filter things. Both felt like a cooling compress. Not much help but not much worse.
I decided to sit in front of my mirror, gaze on Lord Lucifer’s sigil around my neck and meditate on a frequency made for His sigil to see if His energy could help soothe whatever was going on.
I felt His sigil and it’s chain warm around my neck and then I felt like I was falling within. There was peace for a moment but as soon as I “came back”, I was more drained then before.
This brings us to this weekend to today. I decided to just do healing ambiences for a few nights and see if I either majorly screwed up or if I managed to find a foothold.
I saw colors, I worked on them and the only difference was that I physically felt a soft warmth over my third eye.
Nevertheless, I still felt drained but now I felt afraid that I may have overworked my third eye since that’s the first time that it’s felt warm.
I figured sleep and rethinking my entire approach with a refreshed mind would be my best bet.
Here’s where it gets interesting:
I haven’t dreamed since I restarted my journey.
I go to sleep, I see darkness, I wake up.
But tonight, despite feeling no different, I dreamed(!)
In my dream, I was standing in this bright white room with my hands slightly cupped in front of me and in my hands was a dark blue orb.
For some reason, it didn’t feel right so I examined it a bit more and I kept thinking, “Isn’t it suppose to be light blue?” until I saw that it was but it had blackness within it.
I remember reading somewhere that our energy can cleanse things if we will it too. I have been trying that method with my chakras but I didn’t know if I had been making progress since it makes me feel so drained but I decided that it couldn’t hurt to try it on this strange orb, right?
It took a little bit but eventually I did get to a medium shade of blue. It wasn’t crystal clear but I figured a a stained glass color was an improvement.
Then, I started to physically feel it starting to warm up until I couldn’t hold it anymore but just before I could try to get my hands away, I woke up. I checked the time and it was only an hour after I had gone to bed but I felt warm and rested.
Fast forward to me, going back to sleep and dreaming a little bit(!) then waking up to my alarm.
I woke up with a quiet mind. I didn’t feel stressed or depressed but I didn’t feel happy either. It was a simple content feeling.
The pressure in my mind was gone because a soft throbbing on the right side of my forehead and a light pressure in my ears. There’s also this faint pressure in my third eye but it’s easily missable if I don’t focus on it.
But I keep wondering; What was the blue orb? Was it a dream manifestation of my own uncleaned energy? Or was it my throat chakra coming into play?
Could this be the start of the path to opening my third eye? I’m hoping to the gods that it is.
My other problem is: Whenever I make progress, I never know where to go from there. Do I continue meditating on my chakras and within? Or is there a next step to do now?