When I was very young I used to listen and see some evil figures almost all the time I was alone. I was less than 7 yo, and they used to say mean stuff, mostly that I was a failure, and that I would never have anything. They were brown, skinny, and had some gremlin like features (not exactly, but it is the closest I can define.)
One of them, especially, would appear on my nightmares, tyring to devour me, and often he did it. Those nightameres were kinda lucid, or at least I was somewhat conciouss in then. As I grew older, I started to fight him back, verbally, and the nightmares become less and less. In my teenage years I stopped hearing the voices, or seeing, but the nightmares existed untill a couple years ago, in my mid twenties.
In the last ten years, I kinda went on a downward spiral psychologically, I was diagnosed with bipolar, and I just locked myself in my room for most of the time. And in this isolation I kinda lost all my “faith”. But in the last couple of years, I’ve slowly restard studying and trying ot find a path to me. I didn’t have much progress, I’ve tried a few spells, became very interested in Chaos Magick, and studied a bit of demonolatry, tried to connect with Dantalion, but, untill September of this year I was very armchair like.
Last night, I was lying in my bed, trying to disconect, and the room went dark. Shadowy dark, and a figure stood at the door of my room. It didn’t said anything, just came close to me for a moment, and then turned and left. I asked who it was, and got silence in response. After that, I kept staring at the door, the room became lighter, and the voices got back. The same voices I heard when I was a child.
(I’ve got a very specific goal, lovely related, at the moment, and, I’m not gonna lie, it’s one of the reasons I’ve started studying magick again.)
And those voices said It will never wok, never. They kept repeating the world never, it will never work, you’ll never be, yo’re wasting your time.
I don’t know what to get from them, who the figure was, if I should trust them - I mean, they never been friendly to me, the reverse actually.)
I want to know if someone has any book, ideas, or anything about then, or what should I do, honestly. I’m kinda depondent right know, that they come back. Maybe they are right.