Friday, December 17th
Today I was at the pub with some friends, sitting outside, and it began to rain. I thought of Leviathan, and a few heartbeats later, the other song I’d associated with him (not the Disney one, cringe) began to play on the speakers throughout the pub.
V cool, thank you.
I’m beginning to see that wealth is not of Earth but of Water, a current that ebbs and flows, and oneself is a conduit or channel, narrow or wide. The intent, of course, to make oneself a wider and more appealing channel. Money, wealth, it flows in and out like the tides. We have to take it as it is, a force – unnatural as it may be – that sweeps in and out. It is a matter of making oneself more open to the current, not seeking to greedily cut the flow off and amass money to oneself.
Money is fleeting. Wealth is not. Money is the fruit, but Wealth is the far-reaching root system that sustains the tree. Money can run out. A great sum can be whittled down to nothing with no “wealth” to show for it. Wealth is enduring, it is established, and it continues to provide.
Thursday, 6th January, 2:53 AM
Recently I (re)watched a film that reminded me of my Yué Lao ritual; the film that originally inspired it. I was surprised to note a few key elements I’d not consciously remembered, but ones that perhaps my subconscious had glommed onto as important.
Notably: golden-coloured bells/chimes, and the abstracts of infinity, retrocausality, and split timelines.
The latter I’d already integrated, the former is something that kind of came about in its own strange way: I found and bought a wind-chime in the shape of a crescent moon, with two bells strung on it, one in the open curve of the crescent and the other beneath it. I’d idly hung the trinket from my canopy bed-frame, so it would gently chime every time I rolled over in bed, or threw myself in for sleep, or got up for the day, and so on. And on the same hook I’d hung the chime from I hung my nine-thread red braid, my own red string of fate.
Again, the idea of history and time being woven into the threads was an element of the film: 君の名は Kimi no Na wa or in English Your Name, for anyone interested.
I’m writing this at nearly 3 AM on what is ostensibly a work-day. Over the past few weeks I’d fallen back into terribly useless, material modes of thought. Plagued by worrisome daydreams, spending a lot of pointless time fretting about things that could or might go wrong. To what end? There is no reason for it.
For God does not ask you to consider the means, but to define the end. I have to forcibly remind myself not to focus on problems but on solutions.
Pain
You made me a – you made me a believer
Pain
You break me down, you build me up
Believer, believer
Pain
Let the bullets fly, oh let them rain
My life, my love, my drive, it came from pain
Tuesday, January 11th, 2022
My dreams have come back in force. For a few weeks there I didn’t have anything upon waking but scattered memories. I’ve missed them. Disturbing, fantastical, outrageous – whatever form they take. It’s nice to waken from a dream and be able to roll over and gather the tattered threads of it back around you and sink back in to it, or to something similar.
Saturday, January 15th, 2022
A minor thought experiment, or spiritual exercise, after reading someone’s post on the NG subreddit, something along the lines of – in order to divorce yourself from your ego, ask yourself what your next thought will be.
This question inevitably halts my brain in its tracks. But then you feel your mind questing out, trying to answer by seeking your next thought. Groping after knowledge like you grope after your phone or your wallet, looking for reassurance that the thing you seek is still there where you last left it.
Feels weird. I’ll probably keep doing it.
Usually what I find is a complete stillness of being. Listening, waiting, accepting. Your mind is somehow engaged, but quiescent.
It’s nice. Maybe I can adapt it into some weird gnosis shortcut.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I’ve been noticing something. Myself and a lot of the people I speak to regularly seem to attract patrons, or matrons, or guardians – whatever you want to call them – who seem in some ways diametrically opposed to that person’s nature. Or maybe not so much opposed as inconjuct, or square, if I’m to borrow from astrological terms.
The same way that, forgive me for the reference, Avatar Korra as a natal waterbender struggled to learn not firebending, her direct opposite, but airbending. Something unknowable that lacks even the familiarity of being an opposite.
So – Metatron. I have spoken him of before and asserted that his element is not one of the four traditional Western elements, but is rather the element of space, spacetime, the cosmos, and outer space.
And him being a creature of precision, law, order, measurement, specification, thorough to the last minute detail… It doesn’t necessarily run counter to the Air current, but I am decidedly a creature of Air, and to a lesser degree, Fire. I am by no means strict, stern, disciplined, long-term oriented – a lot of things I associate with Metatron.
But then I see people around me with the nature of Water, drawn to entities of Fire, or those of Air, or of Earth drawn to Fire, and so on, and so I wonder.
This is pointless conjecture and rambling, by the way.
Just interesting that perhaps we are drawn to, or are drawn by, entities who might be able to help us make up for things we lack, or feel we lack. Or rather, those who complement us.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Edit: I suppose I should talk of some magick or ritual too. I haven’t done much, but I’ve had a few things done for me. Bimé is not someone I call on, but I think we share a mutual regard, and she smooths the way for me in many things.
A lot of other things, I’ve neglected. Can’t remember the last time I did a ritual. Must remedy that.
)
I don’t know why and I can’t exactly ask you, so if you read this I just hope you’re doing well, and I’m sorry, and one day we will have our island
Is great to read your journal!
