Vision of Confluence

I know how weird this is gonna sound, but I realized your posts bring me peace because it feels like is the most ascended part of me talking to myself, when all the pettiness and ego are disolved. So… maybe me in 10 years, after some English lessons, 500 hours of psychotherapy and 2 Valium’s :sweat_smile:

Always love to read about the Father and the Son… now I really wonder how I didn’t realized before, with all those catholic lessons? Is there, is just there.

It’s just happening to me. Happens in just few days after the doubt creeps in, with a feeling of being in a dream, waking up in the middle of the night and knowing, before taking the telephone and seeing a confirmation, that is actually not real but just a sign of the doubt I have created and that will materialize in the reversal of the circumstances, for bad.

Been having that feeling more and more. Sometimes what I’m living is not the consequence of my past thoughts, but I thought that because I was (gonna?) live this, and I had already lived it?

Reaaaaally interesting, will do. Thanks!

Is it then the way to change our subconscious? How would you say we should hack, then, the voice that obviously comes about and says that what we’re repeating is not true? I’ve finally identified the couple of subconscious beliefs that create the patters that make me more unhappy. And mind you, they are improbable. But the circumstances keep repeating because… well, you know, I think they do and that’s what happens to me. Affirmation tapes and the like feel like a joke when I play them, and I keep thinking there must be a way to hack my subconscious and I just don’t know how.

Always a pleasure to read you, thank you for this journal :blush:

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Thank you for the lovely feedback, it makes me really happy to know my ramblings have some meaning or usefulness to other people :hugs::smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

It’s a tricky one and I wonder about this myself too. I think what helps me is to go back to something really basic, like just affirming “I love myself”. It’s easier to forgive yourself for having doubts if you give yourself love. And if you love yourself it is easier to accept that good things can and will come into your life. Another good one is “everything is always working out in my favour, exactly as it should be” or “everything that happens to me, brings me closer to my goal”. You could even do some meta affirmations like “I always manifest what I want”.

Another thing that has helped quell that voice of doubt is affirming “I am someone who deserves X”. Like “I am someone who deserves love” or “I am someone who deserves to be wealthy/have all my material needs taken care of”. I find that most people do have an innate sense of belief they are destined for something more than what they have, or of deserving a better life or better circumstances.

I also try not to focus on other people, e.g. “X is in love with me” or “X company offered me a job”, instead flip everything so it starts with “I am”. “I am loved by X”, “I am working at X company”.

Two more things - emotional freedom tapping (EFT) can help get rid of negative thoughts. And also if you find you keep having doubts, just ignore them or flip the thought to something positive, but also make sure you are putting effort into changing your subconscious with other methods, like Neville Goddard’s SATS or meditative self-hypnosis, visualisation, or the lullaby method (repeating an affirmation as you fall asleep). That’s a quicker gateway to your subconscious and with enough repetition should make it easier for your subconscious to accept instead of making you have doubts.

Hope that helps :relaxed:

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It does help, thank you very much! Maybe the secret is to tackle it from different sides, with affirmations, visualizations, SATS… I’m starting to use questions too (“How did I come to learn this so quick?”). Thanks again for your help :relaxed:

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Friday, August 13th – Sunday, Augsut 15th
Burzum - Illa Tidandi

The Pearl of Great Price

I have been thinking a lot these past few months about how to reconcile the Law with ritual.

And more recently, I have thought a lot about the “Pearl of Great Price”.

Now here is the quote from this 13th of Matthew:
The Kingdom of Heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls, who finding one pearl of great value, went and sold all that he had and bought it.

Very few are willing to sell all and buy the pearl.

Christ is defined as “the power and the wisdom of God.” In the first chapter of the first letter of Paul to the Corinthians: Christ is the power and the wisdom of God.
Don’t look for a man! A man is only the instrument through which this power and this wisdom is exercised.
But Christ himself is the power and the wisdom of God. You and I are the instruments through which this power and this wisdom is exercised.

Now we are told: By him all things were made, and without him was not anything made that was made.

Examine yourselves, to see whether you are holding to the faith. Test yourselves. Do you not realize that Jesus Christ is in thee? Unless of course you fail to meet the test. I hope you will discover that we have not failed.

Everyone in the world is using this only power, but they don’t know it […] It’s called – as we first quoted it– it’s called “The Pearl of Great Price.”

So great is this pearl, so valuable, it takes everything that you own to buy it.

it takes everything that you now believe in other than it to pay for it.

You believe in astrology? You’ve got to sell it.

You believe in numerology, in teacup leaves, in numerology and all these things?

No matter what you believe in as a power to control you, you’ve got to sell it.
There is no way to God but Christ.

I AM the way.

There is no other way.

Way to what?

To everything in this world, but especially to the Father.

No one comes unto the Father but by me.

And here he defines it, that he is the only way in the world to everything in this world that you and I seek. And it takes everything that we own– as to beliefs that we think are powers to guide our life– to pay for that pearl of great price.

If you think for one moment you can hold on to one little thing in the event this doesn’t work, you can’t buy the pearl. And so when I buy the pearl, I go all out and live by it. And there is no other being in this world… just the pearl, and I live by it.

And this pearl is your own wonderful human Imagination. That’s Christ.

Christ in you is the hope of glory. Come test yourself and see.

Test yourself and see.

As you test yourself and it happens… well, then, can you turn back to the belief in any power outside of Christ Jesus?

He calls upon us to test him every moment of time. But you can’t buy him unless you pay the price, and the price, it takes everything that you have to buy it.

Every belief in a power outside of Christ Jesus, you give up, and you give it up and hold onto him and only to him. Then you’ve bought the Pearl.
And then you exercise it, the greatest value in the world, and that’s Christ Jesus.

By him all things are made and without him there was not anything made that was made.

No power in the world can stop it. All it needs is acceptance on the part of us.

He who is not with me is against me. He who does not gather with me scatters.

And this is the one who can overcome all the powers of the world. And if you are not with him, then you are against him.

Can’t be neutral. I either believe in it, or I don’t believe in it.

So when you go before anyone, don’t even take thought as to what you’re going to say. Just imagine the end, and having pronounced his judgment based upon the end you have predetermined.

Do that.

Live this way in the world, trusting one hundred percent in the pearl of great price.

May I tell you, it will not fail you.
But you can’t modify it. You can’t hold back one little reserve thing.

You’ve got to give up every belief in this world in a power outside of Christ to buy Christ. There is nothing but Jesus Christ. You either believe in him or you don’t believe in him.

And any reservation for a rainy day… it’ll rain.

[…]So it’s crucifixion, resurrection, birth from above. These are the three stages.

Then comes the fourth stage. The fourth stage is when the title of titles is conferred upon the one who is born from above. For conferred upon the risen Christ in the experience of man is the divine title “Father.”

And no one can utter the word “Father” but the Son.

And then comes the next stage, the final stage, when the temple, and its wonderful curtain that separated man from God, is torn from top to bottom. So that now you have direct access to the being that you were and are, the being that is God. No intermediary between yourself and God.

Go straight to the being that you really are, which being is God.

Goddard, The Pearl of Great Price

Den of woe

I don’t know if I can take any one way of thinking, magickally-speaking, and give up everything else. But to buy the Pearl of Great Price, you are asked to sell everything you own – give up every external cause – and accept responsibility for every outer circumstance in your life.

Earlier this year it really shook me when I felt I was getting a handle on the Law, and I had such a clear vision, and pieces fell into place so rapidly. Things that turned my life upside down, but in a way that clearly and quickly opened roads to the goal I was seeking.

Yes, it shook me how rapidly my life changed, and so I let that vision drop. And I don’t know if I can accept responsibility for the bad things that happened in my life when I became afraid and let that one clear vision fall to the wayside. But I suppose I must.

Truthfully I don’t want to give up everything. I like ritual. I rely on certain entities. I don’t want to turn my back on them and take responsibility for everything.

So I ask myself if I’m just attempting mental gymnastics, telling myself it’s OK to proceed with rituals if I can accept that these beings I talk to are just parts of myself. How do you reconcile that? They’re not just my imaginary friends, they are part of my world and experience that bring me joy and peace and knowledge.

And while my worldview sometimes says it’s OK, that everything that exists is part of the same whole, it is a big fucking ask to accept that YOU are responsible for everything in your life, all your foils and fumblings and failings included. It is not so hard to accept a spirit-as-mind model, but it’s something of a terrifying and lonely thought, that kind of sister-solipsistic worldview where you’re alone in your consciousness and everyone else is just an NPC. Do I really believe that? No, I don’t think I do. I believe in other people, human and non-human. So how do I reconcile those two views?

Is that something I must sell in order to buy the pearl of great price?

Or does it merely speak of giving up the means and going straight to the end?

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“everyone asks about my drinking, but no one asks about my thirst.”

i can’t remember where i first read or heard it, but it’s true.


it’s august. how did this year slip by so quickly?

i saw movement in something i’d asked for/intended, but not sure if enough to give offerings, or simply to thank my own mind. my mood goes up and down, but sometimes when it goes down, instead of getting depressed i get stubborn, and then changes start to happen.

one of you spirits, yes, i know you like the salt and lime and the burn of tequila.
another of you, i promised you something else, and you’ve halfway delivered.

what else?

crying alone can be cathartic, but sorrowful. crying with your friends beside you, especially ones who have similar experiences, can release you.

i am still feeling stubborn at the moment. and if i don’t write here, what do i do? burn 4 of 5 of my working-from-home day hours out of spite. watch garbage tv that takes my mind away from my own life. i think to myself I’ll write, but mostly the audience is the most important thing. i’m awfully vain.

the stubbornness is working for me though. because i’m not jumping up and down at the smallest hint of movement. it means less and less to me as time goes by. give me what i want entirely or it’s not done.

i have another new goal. i’ve had flashes of prophetic dreams. i’ve had extended dreadful dreams.

no one can remain in stasis for long, least of all me. i’m glad i’m feeling stubborn and i’m channeling that energy into “no, give me what i want” instead of “oh no, it didn’t work, boo hoo.”

trying to remember where i saved my manifestation journal, which is separate from my ritual journal. which is serving me better?

i’m sure i had something else of substance to write, but currently this vague vignette is all that comes to mind.

until next time xo

i was alone, staring over the ledge
trying my best not to forget
all manner of joy, all manner of glee
in our one heroic pledge
how it mattered to us, how it mattered to me
and the consequences
i was confused by the birds ands the bees
forgetting if i meant it

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Friday, August 27th

I worked precisely one in five business days this week and i feel no type of way about it. I have always felt like money should just find its way to me in abundance, with no strings attached.

At first I worried I was sulking but I don’t think that was the case, after the first day away, anyhow.

Also, I just found some obscure keyboard shortcut to use in place of the “post” button. Fuck knows what it is (dropped my phone on my keyboard) but now I get the dubious honour of editing this post in the next 5 or 10 minutes before it becomes in-editable.

What was I going to say? Not much of anything, although I’ve started slowly trying to fix my substance abuse problems.

Not much else but I’ve been having lovely, wild, ongoing dreams because I don’t need to wake up for work. I wake at 9am to tell my boss I’m not coming in, then i set my alarm for every half hour til 11am and wake up dazed and happy. and then i’m still sleepy so i sleep again til 2pm.

Not much else but I’ve decided to commit to a vision. But I am not waiting on it any longer. You know. 'Cause why dwell on the inevitable. And when I say not waiting i mean… not afraid of. It’s done. It’s just on its way to me, so I don’t need to give it any more attention.

Love, it stings and then it laughs
At every beat of my battered heart
The sudden jolt, a tender kiss
I know I’m gonna die of this
And that’s because

I could drown myself in someone like you
I could dive so deep I never come out
I thought it was impossible
But you make it possible

and now once it hits 8.30pm i will go to bed and i will eat from a laughable charcuterie board and i will watch trashy tv shows and i will take drugs that knock me out for 12+ hours and i’ll be happy.

no spirits, no angels, no demons? no, but this is my journal, so i write what makes me happy. and the “otherness” between spirits and humans is potentially the biggest lie of them all.

night x

6 Likes

Always enjoy your journal. It goes over my head alot but you have so much to contribute. Thank you for this❤

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28.8.21

“It’s august”, I wrote the other day. No actually, it’s almost September. Funny how the older you become, the years get shorter but the days get longer and longer.


01.09.21

…I wrote a bit of a rambling entry following the above, but I’m going in another direction instead.

If time is simultaneous, where does the big bang theory fit into that?

That’s what I’m pondering currently.

If time is another dimension, i.e. another unit of measurement — the measurement of change — …? I don’t have any particularly insightful take on it. I think I have saved some research paper or other that relates to this, or it’s open in a tab somewhere, and I keep neglecting to read it.

Is there a beginning and an end, or is everything happening all at once?

All or nothing

I am still mindful of The Pearl of Great Price, but I can’t seem to give up wanting to work with entities and thinking of them as separate from me.

Asmodeus keeps signalling me to reach out, and I want to talk to Raphael and Cimeries again, and Metatron, and Silence.

What else, let’s see:

I am determined to sleep properly again.

This song makes me ugly cry the way scripture does, in a good way –

There’s no walls and no ceilings as far as I know
Just the echoes of scars and the unbeaten road
Trip the gun on cautions that I’ve been sold

'Cause it’s hard to believe that it’s wrong to want more
Than the truest of blue and a love like a roar
I will run to wherever I want to go, oh

Charting Neptune by the fire of the Sun
I’m looking for new constellations, new constellations

I keep dreaming and I keep recording and I keep seeing the same things in my dreams.

What if there’s more?


3.9.21

I evoked Metatron last night to help me sleep and as soon as I felt his presence I burst into tears, communed with him briefly, asked him to stay, and promptly sobbed myself to sleep within 10 minutes.

Strangely it doesn’t even feel like a contradiction to the buying the Pearl, because I feel like Metatron is part of me. Or rather, he makes me feel like everything is a part of me, and I am a part of everything. How could I ever, ever turn my back on him? It felt like I had cut off my own arm, only I didn’t realise it until I was in his presence again.

Once more she must needs break into tears, once more assail him with prayer, and humbly bow down her pride to love, lest she leave anything untried and go to death in vain.
– Virgil’s Aenid, 393

I can’t walk away from ritual magick, and what’s more, I won’t.

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I feel attacked lol.

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September 7th, 2021

A very short one tonight, just to note some progress with the Law for historical purposes:

  1. About three to four weeks ago I was toying with the idea “I am free from the slavery of addiction”, and I liked it so much that the thought took root. Of course, events then lined themselves up perfectly so that I had/have no choice but to wean off all addictive drugs in my life. This also means/meant that alcohol (well, wine, my drink of choice) now tastes disgusting to me. But unfortunately alcohol has to stay in my life until I can safely wean off it. To be perfectly candid, these past three weeks have been completely fucked for me. But either I do this now and come out the other side reborn, or I postpone the issue and instead face this same situation 6 months, or 1 year, or 2 years, or 5 years, or 10+ years down the track. That doesn’t seem appealing. And so, as I free myself, I am free.

  2. In line with the above, I saw a doctor today. It’s quite unusual for doctors to just hand out the kind of prescription drugs I’m now weaning myself off of. With minimal effort I simply told myself that I would leave today’s appointment with a prescription for both drugs (so I can make my own weaning-off progress more comfortable). I’ve seen this doctor (a GP) in the past, when my own GP was not available, and in the past he outright refused to prescribe me these same drugs. But, of course, I left today’s appointment with exactly what I wanted – two prescriptions for just enough to tide me over and ease my passage out. :pray:

Overall I am OK with where I am right now. I have never been a patient person, but I have learned/am learning patience – it comes easier and easier, and my time horizon is expanding. This year will be a transformative year for me. I cannot be the person I want to be if I am controlled by substances.

Wish I could say I’m shocked and amazed by the Law, but I’m not. My testament has been building since I begun this journey. It’s not been necessarily smooth progress but I am glad to say that I have grown in leaps and bounds. It has never failed me in the things closest to my heart, in literal life-or-death situations. Applying the Law is not an issue for me; the real issue is in knowing precisely what I want. When I know precisely what I want, though, the Law delivers easily and with extreme haste.

Until next time. :two_hearts:

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Wednesday, September 22

I have now done this ritual, in simple visionary magick, with Asmodeus overseeing, since he was there at the time. A week or a bit more ago.

To be perfectly candid, it is based on the poem Ozymandias, by Percy Bysshe Shelley, describing the downfall and ruin of someone who believed themselves to be above such disgrace.

So I simply had Asmodeus witness a visionary journey wherein I lived the poem, and I met the “traveller from an antique land” who spoke of his – my target’s – downfall, and upon the carved visage of stone I saw the likeness of the person I so cursed.

It is done, it has been done already, months ago, and so I cement it now, in the relative future.

オ・レ・サ・マ

Well, I’ve been taking a hiatus of sorts, or not really detailing any journey.

Funny how I am convinced I’ve used the Law to achieve the impossible but then I question it for the smallest things.

Funny how in idle moments I spin sentences in my head. Weaving carefully and then picking them apart. Meaning not at all to be untruthful; meaning merely and all to find the most descriptive, evocative, inviting turn of phrase to draw the reader in. Or perhaps just to amuse myself.

A diary, a journal, a chronicle, yes; but I suppose I still always write for myself, and still, I won’t let it become fiction, or even to embellish any event or happening, except by the way in which I describe it. Which I feel compelled to do. Words running rich and rare through my head and over my tongue. But never a lie or a single word beyond the things I truly feel or experience.

This is a throwaway entry really; more a reminder to myself that my self-questioning is stupid. You can Frankenstein something into a passable pleasure or you can demand more. Having seen the most, would you now doubt?

Why is it, when we give up on the thing we wanted, it shows up in abundance?

Why is it, when we were perfectly content with not having something, suddenly the lack of it pierces you like a sword?


天上天下唯我独尊。

The above, whenever I used to read it/its interpretation or translation, it always gave me strength, for I always thought of it as cocky and self-assured:

I am the One and Only, in Heaven and on Earth.

I.e., there is no other like me.

Nowadays, I interpret it differently, perhaps as it was meant to be:

In Heaven, as on Earth, there is Only I.

Or, as I would perhaps put it… “Above, and below, there is only I AM”.

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I do the same. I obviously don’t do it with the Law but just generally speaking. I’ve had more confirmation the last six months than ever, and yet when it comes to things… I still go well, idk… :woman_facepalming:t3:

I think it’s the human in me personally, the years of being taught it wasn’t possible etc. I guess as long as it doesn’t become an issue to acquiring results, a healthy dose of realism, or thinking more mundanely isn’t awful.

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Ave Asmodai.

I haven’t written in a little while, and am still more or less on hiatus, but I want to write a candid entry.

Asmodeus had been throwing overt signs for a while; I’d see his name popping up everywhere. Even in the most unexpected of places, like running into someone whose handle was “Asmodeus” while playing video games, or researching DnD character races and finding the option of “Bloodline of Asmodeus” as a subrace of Tiefling. And of course, all over BALG.

Not exactly subtle, but I respect the persistence.

So the first time I spoke with him was using a modified version of DoM’s second ritual. I didn’t record much of the experience in writing afterwards but it was a pleasant connection and conversation.

Normally I’m quite on the prudish side when it comes to relaying conversations or effects of rituals, things like that, because I personally am not a fan of — how do I put this? — of mixing lurid smut with the rituals I do or the entities I work with. I certainly don’t judge other people for wanting it or seeking it or writing about it, but it’s simply not my modus operandi to mix descriptions of horny sex romps with descriptions about the work I do. But again, I’m just going to speak candidly. (And let me begin first by saying there were actually no horny demon sex romps involved, and this is never something I’ve personally ever sought out.)

Asmodai, in his evocation keys and his presence in general, has the effect of rousing lust and passion. So, this is what I felt most strongly in his presence. When we spoke — well, the main reason I wished to call on him was to assist me in increasing my ability in something to a level thought previously unattainable. So in particular, I asked him to help me develop my skills in manifesting, and even more particularly, in areas of lust and passion, and attracting specific people.

The Law is the major underpinning of my work, and I’ve mostly been focused on that. For a few months now I feel like I’ve reached a new level of sorts. I can see the clear difference in mindset between my past self — struggling to understand, to master, to control, questioning everything, wondering if I was doing things correctly or incorrectly. These days my mindset really embodies a marked lack of attempt to control, question, or forcibly master anything. And the question of understanding… well, that can only really build on itself over time. I don’t need to be a physics major to understand that if I drop an object from my hand it will fall directly downwards, but I can trust and rely on and assume that this effect will occur every time. So, much the same with my understanding of the Law. It works regardless.

Said mindset predated my speaking with Asmodeus, but has continued much the same since. It has become much easier to simply decide what I want and allow it to happen. It has robbed me somewhat of the dubious thrill found in reading others’ success stories with the Law. I don’t require the testimonial or reassurance of others. I am content simply being. I am more patient.

So. I had another session with Asmodai a few days after the first, and it was much the same. I do enjoy his energy.

After the first time I called on him, the most dramatic thing I noticed was physiological changes. Basically — I felt that lustful became my default state of being. For one, despite the fact that my menstrual cycle has remained exactly on schedule, physically speaking, my mood and my body were not taking the usual path. So, despite being technically past certain markers in menstrual cycle, physically my body did not follow the rules, and nor did my mood or mentally. I mean, to the point of stupid things, like, I’d see a random male coworker stand up and stretch thoroughly and languorously with a satisfied groan, and I’d immediately be wondering if that noise had any resemblance to how he’d sound in bed. I’d be set off into wanton fantasy by the slightest, most inconsequential things like that.

That’s what I mean by speaking candidly.

As usual, my menses exactly coincided with the date of the new moon. And yet my body and mind have simply… applied the aura of Asmodai’s energy over the mundane physicality of my body.

:key: Apri.il.tuo.cuore

The funny thing is that it sent me into overdrive, and then things took a rather unexpected turn.

Before I go on let me call back to what I mentioned earlier about my use of the Law. I’d decided that I’m ready for a relationship. I decided I’m worthy of love and able to accept and return it. I decided on it with no conditions, was satisfied with knowing that whatever I desire is already mine, and moved on to think of other things, not worried about how or when or why this would resolve itself in my world.

Asmodeus is thought of as a lord of lust, and certainly I would not disagree with that. His energy undoubtedly set me firmly into a frenetic state of lust. Nothing destructive, and not even necessarily anything that required outward expression. Just placed me into that state of being.

And then, while I was existing in lust, I found something deeper, that easily surpassed it.

Patterns and events only really make themselves apparent in hindsight. So I can look back now and trace with amusement the events that brought me to where I am now.

Many years longer in the making that I had thought might be possible. When I think of the lust I expended — or the lust that I’d convinced myself was, or could be, something more — I just think it led me to where I am now. Which is, in short, deeply and solidly entrenched in the early, puppy-dog stages of love and infatuation and starry-eyed obsession and idealisation.

I say it’s the early stages, but really it is no more than the past and its inevitability finally catching up with me and being expressed. Long-held, long-repressed feelings. And it’s all mutual. And I find myself feeling HAPPY, feeling more content and more hopeful and more at peace than I can remember feeling for a long time.

The titular Lord of Lust is more than just lord of lust. Lord of passion and expression, rather. The ripping, tearing, clawing, consuming — consummation — hah — the incredible desire to crawl completely inside of someone, mind, body, and soul, and knowing that every last flicker of feeling is returned exactly in kind.

So. That is where I am right now.

And I extend my love and blessings to anyone reading this. :bouquet:
Especially my dear friends who shed their time, blood, sweat, words, feelings, and tears for me. You know who you are :two_hearts:

Until next time BALG :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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All the world’s a stage

All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts…

Life is strange, and as long as your mind is open to it, it’s due to hand you the oddest synchronicities from the most unexpected of places.

On June 23rd I wrote this in one of my earlier journal entries:

…Let me wrap back around to this later, it is relevant, I promise.

The appointed time in the purpose of God

I have mentioned Kairos before briefly. The Ancient Greeks believed in two kinds of time: Chronos, linear time or specific time – and Kairos (or the god Caerus). The definition of kairos is:

  1. A time when conditions are right for the accomplishment of a crucial action;
  2. The opportune and decisive moment.

“…brings about what is convenient, fit, and comes in the right moment.”

In the New Testament, “kairos” means “the appointed time in the purpose of God,” the time when God acts (e.g. Mark 1:15: “the kairos is fulfilled and the kingdom of God is at hand”).

And for Caerus, the Greek god:

…But as they lock some doors they inevitably leave others open. And as expected, the god goes on flying as swiftly as ever, providing amazing surprises to everyone, and making not only thieves but also lovers.

…And who are you? / Time who subdues all things.
Why do you stand on tip-toe? / I am ever running.
And why you have a pair of wings on your feet? / I fly with the wind.

So. With that out of the way:

I wheedled a Kairos pathworking from the inimitable @ReyCuervo and followed the visions. An interesting experience; not a very close-feeling presence; since it seems it taps more into Kairos as an essence or force, and not necessarily the god Caerus (if there is even a meaningful difference, unsure). We had a pleasant if faint interaction; nothing supremely profound. I was more interested in experiencing how the essence of Kairos might feel if called on directly. I briefly showed him what I wanted and was I was intrigued to think how he might enact some of those changes.

(…While I’m writing this, the show I’ve put on in the background (Netflix’s Explained) starts playing its episode on Time. :woman_facepalming:)

So the next day I log in to BALG like usual, only to see someone has sent me a DM. Chronologically (lol) it was sent about two hours after I performed the Kairos pathworking. This person and I, we’ve never spoken in DMs before and they even apologised for messaging me out of the blue but they just had to ask me a question… they were looking for an explanation for something odd that happened to them with seemingly no mundane explanation at all, and had stumbled upon the journal entry I quoted above.

Namely, that this person woke up and found what appears to be a chunk of a man’s facial hair on their floor. Pics included.

What I found so goddamn intriguing and funny about this, is that I had recently, in the past few days, been thinking about that instance of me one day finding a distinct tangle of mine and my at-the-time-love-interest’s hair, which appeared in my house out of nowhere (as I quoted from an earlier entry above).

This then made me reflect on the fact that if I had never met that man, then fallen in lust with him, then chased him, and went to visit him in a different city, then I never would have reconnected with the man I’m currently with. Who, by the way, I have performed absolutely no love workings on at all; because things are already perfect, and because this man has always been my “what if…?”, and I don’t think anything could possibly improve what we already have organically.

So. To recap. I perform a pathworking to Kairos, the essence of opportunity and “the appointed time in the hour of God”. Two hours later, while I was asleep, another forum member sends me a message out of nowhere saying they stumbled across my earlier journal post and explaining how a similar thing happened to them and they could not for the life of them figure out why, because they hadn’t been doing any love/lust related rituals on a target or anything of the sort.

And finally, because the photos they sent look exactly like someone cut a chunk out of my current love’s beard and left it on the floor of this BALG member’s house. (And I do know for a fact that my love recently trimmed his beard.) :exploding_head:

Life is fucking weird and funny.

And of course this user and I got to talking and I told her how she just handed me a synchronicity on a silver platter, and it turns out we have similar views in a lot of ways, on magick and the world in general. :blush:

I have had other BALG members unknowingly hand me synchronicities before, but this one really takes the fucking cake. :joy:

I leave with this:

Through every forest
Above the trees
Within my stomach
Scraped off my knees
I drink the honey
Inside your hive
You are the reason
I stay alive

Be well everyone :two_hearts:

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Together since the world began, the madman and the lover.

– Found written on a latrine wall at Dachau after its liberation post-WWII.

Life becomes more beautiful and strange every day. I am glad for the past year-and-a-half, everything I have gone through has become a lesson, and ultimately accelerated my progress immensely.

Again, being a student of the Law, lately I find little to no resistance between me wanting a thing and me getting a thing. And of course it reinforces my mindset that my perceptual reality is simply God’s playground.

Asmodai

I like Asomodai/Asmodeus. I am interested in speaking with him again. I listen to his enn when I perform tasks I wish to excel or improve at, and it seems to help.

Part of my deal was public praise for him, and I am more than happy to do so. I am perfectly happy. Once I realised I was happy on my own and I needed no one’s company to improve my own happiness, suddenly the dam broke and things started flooding in. I curved my ex and he finally stopped contacting me. I walk down the street and people do double-takes. Strangers smile at me and compliment me (politely). Even people who it seemed earlier had no interest in me, with me having a passing interest in them, have done a complete 180° spin and started actively trying to flirt with me.

Of course I don’t care because I found my person and I would choose him over anyone else in the world.

But it is interesting to see just how much of an effect Asmodeus has had on my outward appeal.

And again, will reiterate that I listen to his enn being chanted on repeat when I’m trying to improve a skill or learn knowledge. And it helps.

Let me also remind that I asked Asmodai’s help in improving my skills in manifestation à la the Law of Assumption.


Kairos

“The appointed time in the purpose of God”.

Ever since I did the pathworking to Kairos, everything just falls into place so easily.

I was already in a mindset of abundance (thank you Asmodai), but the duration between my deciding on something and it manifesting has dramatically shortened. Dramatically. I am not using Goddard-style techniques at all any longer (no affirmations, scripting, SATS, whatever). I simply decide on what I want on what will happen, and it happens.

Even a passing whim is likely to occur within hours of my first thinking of it.

These two workings seem to have culminated with powerful effect for me.

I suppose I’ll list a few of them so I can look back later.

  • I had a blood sample taken and watched the whole process, fascinated. Asked the pathologist if they ever give people an additional vial of blood as a souvenir just to take home with them. Pathologist said they didn’t normally do that, but then she handed me two disposable lancets and a small vial with anticoagulant so I could draw my own blood whenever I wanted.
  • About 20 minutes after the above, I realised I hadn’t eaten all day but also decided I did not want to spend money on food. I was sitting outside the office, smoking and posting on BALG when the lady from the cafe next door walked up holding a full plate of pizza and asked if I wanted it.
  • I have booked a holiday in a few months’ time and someone else would be joining me. I never raised the question with the other person but I decided they would offer to pay for half the accommodation. Within 24 hours they told me that of course they would pay for half of it.
  • I have an SP who I am obsessed with but I am a spoiled queen and my past few partners have been in excellent physical shape play sports or work out frequently. I decided my SP would be in similar physical condition. Again, within 24 hours he told me he’d started working out and wanted to be in good shape for me.
  • I had a customer at work who, a few weeks ago, was demanding I work out of their office 4 out of 5 business days a week. I decided it wasn’t my problem and therefore I had no need to even worry about it. Within about two or three weeks they went from “need a person onsite 4/5 days a week” to “send two people to work onsite with us 2 days a week” to “send one person to work onsite with us 2 days a week”, which means I’d be doing 1 day at most (splitting time with coworkers).
  • Potential business partner, with whom I currently work, and with whom I have a fully platonic relationship with, has taken even more of a shine to me recently, working overtime and saying he does specific tasks “for [me], only for [me]”. Not only does he “trade” me his work efforts in exchange for me jumping into a remote video call just to hang out with him, but he is putting up all the capital for a business venture but is inviting me to take part and be a business partner.
  • Mostly, I feel like all my good fortune spills out of me and effects the people around me. My sibling got engaged, and somehow proposed to my future SIL with an identical replica of a ring that I wear. Our grandmother’s ring. I thought there was only one, but apparently our grandmother had two identical rings (engagement & wedding ring, I suppose?) and somehow I had one and my sibling had the other.
  • As soon as my current partner and I started our future-dreaming conversations about where we’d live and how many pets we’d have, etc. and how long we should date ideally before getting engaged, my closest friend got engaged.
  • As soon as I began liking my job again and realising that employment opportunities are endless, another close friend received a new job within ~3 days of applying for it and effectively doubled her salary.

Perhaps some of that sounds outlandish to take credit for, but I don’t necessarily feel like I can take credit for it. I just see the world a different way now, and it spills out of me and changes everything around me. In my mind it doesn’t downplay my sibling’s engagement, nor my closest friend’s relationship, nor my good friend’s new job; rather it simply reflects back to me that the world is a good place and that opportunities are endless.

And that itself is Kairos: not only opportunity, but opportunity in its rightful place, ripe for the plucking.

Mostly, I don’t feel the need to strive any longer. Or even to desire. I simply acknowledge what will happen, in accordance with my wishes, and then it unfolds naturally and quickly.

Now, to simply apply that practice on a larger scale.

Until next time xo

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Monday, November 15th

Armed with wings

يا حبيبي تعال الحقني شوف اللى جرى لي من بعدك
Oh habibi, come to my rescue from your absence

:confused: I don’t know why and I can’t exactly ask you, so if you read this I just hope you’re doing well, and I’m sorry, and one day we will have our island


Out of touch

A dream of 30 October:

Dreamt that I was given a “dream machine” that was meant to help with astral projection.

I met the inventor of the dream machine. He was an intense man, lean and wiry, with bright yellow-golden eyes and long yellow hair. Neither plain nor handsome. He only wore a loincloth, and every interaction I had with him, his manner was very stern and intense.

The “dream machine” looked similar to a radionics machine. Unfolding a stiff, shallow cardboard case revealed two small chromatic discs arranged side-by-side – looking like scaled-down CDs – and between them ran a length of gold tape, or thread, in a sideways infinity symbol. Like an old-school projector running film through its gears and mechanisms. But small; maybe the size of a piece of A4 paper or smaller.

The man (I believe he was a demon, if not some other entity – I am really getting a “demon” vibe though) explained or conveyed to me how the dream machine was meant to work. I don’t remember the conversation beyond something akin to “intend, imagine, and dive in”. I don’t remember his voice.

After this exchange, I was lucid enough within the dream to try the machine, but only, like, first-level-Inception lucid. I fell/dove through the wall on which the machine was mounted. No memory of what awaited on the other side. I know my dreamself still had enough lucidity to try to thrust a thumb through the opposite palm (my reality check), expecting to be awake, but each time the reality check failed (obviously, as I was asleep and dreaming), so my thumb would push easily through my palm, but then I found no matter what I tried, I could not awaken from my “projections” (none of which I remember) when I grew tired of them – because the projections from the dream were literally like a dream within a dream.

At some point (in the first-level dream) I found myself standing in a wide, shallow river or lake, with clear water only a few inches deep, and a bed of smooth pebbles. The man (demon) squatted on his haunches at the west bank of the river, frowning at me, or looking at me sternly; in disapproval almost.

I tried going back to the dream machine room and diving through the projector wall, but I didn’t have clear enough intentions about where I was going, so I simply fell into a void of utter blackness. Soon enough after this I woke up properly.

I’ve kept thinking about it, and the entity, and the “dream machine”. I’ve done some investigation into who I think it might have been, but nothing conclusive yet. I have narrowed it down to some intuitive inklings, but nothing written of these entities matches up, and I didn’t recognise the demon from their energy signature, even though I pondered if it might be someone I had worked with before.


Thursday, November 18th

After speaking about meeting the aforementioned entity with someone else on BALG (same person who slid into my DMs to hand-deliver a synchronicity) this person mentioned they had also seen this entity before (Lord almighty, when do the synchronicities end?), and now I have yet another suspicion as to who it may be.

That made me consider a potential pathworking, but I think that would be frontloading, or rather projecting my own expectations. However I do want to know who this entity is, so I suppose I must simply ask for and wait for some kind of sign or gnosis.

Today I flexed my ritual skills again, which I haven’t done for a while, except for the occasional light trance and pathworking.

Which now I think of it, funnily enough, the last pathworking I did was to Silence/Sabbath, and The Stillness ritual from Angels of Wrath, which I used today, echoes a similar feeling to the last time I did a pathworking to him. The former much less distinctive and wrenching than the latter, but again… an echo of the same.

So I performed two back-to-back rituals and then chanted Psalm 37 over both. And it felt good to be performing ritual once again.

As usual, when I read anything biblical, I fell down another rabbit-hole of scripture, and earlier tonight when I was reading this:

You bring darkness, it becomes night,
and all the beasts of the forest prowl.
The lions roar for their prey
and seek their food from God…

– Psalm 104:21–22

As soon as my eyes passed the last line, all the power in my house switched off. Only for a few milliseconds, but the briefest moment where all the lights flickered, my ceiling fan stopped, my air conditioner stopped, etc., the noticeable absence of sound and light, but as soon as I’d registered it, everything was back to normal. I thought I might have hallucinated it but then overheard one of my roommates speaking about it from another room.


Passenger

I don’t have much to say these days. Life is keeping me occupied. I could be using my free time and mental energy to greater effect, but that is currently subsumed into other physical labour, and mental labour at work.

So, I feel I have little control over my life at the moment, and I’m just a passenger. But I am not too concerned, I am not too stressed, I know I will land on my feet no matter what. Jesus take the wheel.


…The sun rises, and they steal away;
they return and lie down in their dens.
Then people go out to their work,
to their labor until evening.

How many are your works, Lord!
In wisdom you made them all;
the earth is full of your creatures.
There is the sea, vast and spacious,
teeming with creatures beyond number—
living things both large and small.
There the ships go to and fro,
and Leviathan, which you formed to frolic there.

– Psalm 104:22–26

Until next time :revolving_hearts:

Edit:

…also gives the account that Iblis [Satan] almost incited the whale [Bahamut] into causing a quake, but God distracted it by sending gnats to its eyes.

Feels. Fuck me this entire house has been plagued by midges and tiny fruit flies lately.

5 Likes

Have been very curious when you write about Silence, but never asked you about it. Then I saw this. I hardly use Angels of Wrath, but use The Stillness to start every ritual and evokation I do. Feels for me like… the I AM. Again I don’t know if I make sense, but I have a strong feeling abt it :woman_shrugging:t3: Is great to read your journal!

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It is definitely very similar to the I AM state or I AM meditations.

Don’t know if you have ever read transcripts of or listened to Neville’s lectures, but have you noticed how he ends all (or most) with “Now, let us go into the Silence”? :wink:

That man was on to something…

And thank you, as always :blush::bouquet:

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:flushed::flushed: Omg you’re right; I didn’t even connect it.

Ohhh he definitely was…

I’ve been tempted lately to buy the pearl of great price… but I don’t think I’m ready to say goodbye to the spirits yet…

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Friday, November 26th

Here be dragons

Via process of deductive reasoning, and some sleuthing, and some helpful input from @sparks, and a slew of synchronicities, I have come to the conclusion that the entity who appeared in my dream of October 30th was Leviathan.

Am I 110% certain? No. Am I reasonably convinced? I am.

So begins the process of figuring out exactly what (s)he wants. Given that he is such a relatively well known entity, there is, surprisingly, relatively little information out there. So preparatory immersion has been a bit spotty. Either way, I suppose I would prefer having my own gnosis to share than to solely rely on what others say.

There’s been no overt contact since Oct. 30th, but there have been a handful of synchronicities. I didn’t act on them, but then earlier this week I had a very disorienting experience: I’d been thinking of Leviathan earlier in the day, and perhaps an hour later, while I was mid-conversation with a coworker, I was suddenly inundated with the sense that the room we were in was underwater – water filling it almost to the ceiling. It was such a strong impression that I spaced out mid-conversation.

It reminded me of nothing so much as the time I was projecting and tried to force my subtle eyes open, and I ended up opening one physical eye, so I had the oddest sense of bilocation, and was looking at the world from two different vantage points: one on the physical, one on the astral or dreamscape. That’s what it reminded me of.

Last night I decided to try and make contact; I suppose I could have done a better job of it with sigils and enns and Wim Hof breathing or some deeper trance, but I went with a relatively simple meditation with the intent of making some kind of contact. If anything I think the exercise could be developed into a trance state method on its own.

Cleaned up notes below:

Played Neptune solfreggio frequency, and a combined whale noises & alpha binaural track at the same time. Used the Hypnos trance method, which works surprisingly quickly – eyes heavy immediately, closed within about 30 seconds.

I am floating underwater in the shallows, near the bottom. Sunlight pierces the water and diffuses as I turn my eyes skyward. Everything is calm. Soft sand and seaweed slowly drifting.

Almost immediately a piercing headache springs up in the small triangle between two eyes and the unseen third. I continue to drift, outward and downward, in a gentle current. There is nothing nearby, only me, in the whole vast ocean.

Over the lip of a continental shelf, there is a great black abyss that draws me over and down. I begin to sink. At first I am peaceful, and then, I feel the ocean drawn through my whole body – the energy of elemental water suffusing and rushing through me – an uncomfortable and alien sensation that puts me on the verge of panic. The sunlight fades; I am drawn still downward. I am keenly aware of the seeming infiniteness of the ocean. My head and eyes still hurt fiercely.

Beside me, out of the darkness, an enormous sperm whale materialises. Nose-down it swims, keeping pace with me as I sink. A thought occurs to me – “there are monsters in the deep”. Again, I feel the edge of panic. I remember that sperm whales have echolocation clicks so loud that they are capable of killing humans at close range. I suppress the panic. We dive together. It is within arm’s reach now. It rolls back one eye to look at me; the eye is golden, even in the dim light.

I reach out and touch its hide. I grasp onto its flipper. We keep diving. It is completely black now.

Lower down, in the shelf wall, I see a glimmer. I was looking for it deliberately; the so-called “dream machine”. We drift down towards it, and I clasp my hands and drive them through the middle of the device. My hands sink into the rock. I hesitate to go further, but a great force thrusts me through it from behind.

Beyond it is simply something like a SATS scene – something I intend to have. I let myself get drawn in; I let the scene play out. When the scene reaches its conclusion, it fades into a vision in third-person view; I am watching myself from behind in some black and indistinct setting. The blonde, golden-eyed man is there; he leans forward and whispers in my left ear. I don’t hear anything.

After this, my bedframe was jolted like someone lifted the corner under me and dropped it. It startled me right out of the meditative state and my eyes opened, and then I suppose it was done.

I’m interested in why he speaks to me but I cannot hear anything, or get more than a passing impression. Perhaps I’ll have to try something more immersive, a sigil, an enn, developing a pathworking, something like that.

Despite bodies of water (ocean, rivers, lakes, creeks, lagoons) being frequent features in my dream landscape, I am very much not of elemental Water. It is entirely alien to me; and even if I feel confident in saying I am in touch with my own emotions, the current of Water makes me feel out of my depth (lel).

I did some looking around for a seal or sigil. I don’t jive with the Dukante sigil, but I did find “Leviathan’s cross”. Funny how it incorporates an infinity symbol, no?

At this point I suppose I’m suspending judgement. He seems difficult to contact so far. Maybe he only appears when he wants to. Or maybe that’s on me. But I’m interested in pursuing this further.

And of course I cannot help but filter the symbology and allegory of Leviathan through my own paradigm. This is a being of the deep subconscious. Something I’ve been rather neglecting lately (as far as practice and the Law go).

I will try again to make contact.

Until next time xo

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