Normally, my memory is incredibly weak, but I never forget these days.
I met Rosier 5 years ago. At the time, I was trying demons one by one. One demon each night; if one caught my interest, I would talk and chat with them, and that was it. I also used to play a lot of chess back then. I had the standard conversation I had with every demon with Rosier and finished. I turned on my computer and went to a chess site. Rosier kept talking to me while I was playing chess, and I thought, “Sure, why not?” I stopped thinking and started making the moves he told me, one by one. Checkmate on the 15th move. I won. It was a miraculous event for me. Incredible. Then I went in again. Same result.
After that, I became obsessed with Rosier. I worked with him every day for 2 years, every night at 3 AM. I had a lot of free time back then, and I didn’t have a career or a job. Just Rosier. I experienced these things one after another, and I still can’t fully make sense of them:
I fell in love. But not with someone, and not with something. I was simply feeling love. It was neutral, yet it felt both like an immense power and like an illness. There was no one meaningful in my life at the time. There were girls around me, beautiful girls, and I showed them affection, but I didn’t pursue a relationship with any of them. Gradually—I don’t know whether it was my perception changing or a gift he gave me—but I started hearing other people’s inner voices. If someone swore at me behind my back, I would genuinely hear it as if they had said it directly into my ear, and I would react to it. Or if someone was thinking about me, I would know that they were thinking about me, and even what they were thinking, almost as if I could hear it in the way they themselves thought it. It was incredibly maddening. It still is.
But for some reason, it happens with far fewer people now. Maybe because my circle has become smaller, or maybe because my connection with people and with the world has weakened. And no, I didn’t become schizophrenic. I asked, I questioned it, and everything really did turn out to be true. Sometimes, when someone wanted to reach out to me, I would wake up from sleep and look at their message within seconds. I still can’t deal with that. Especially lately, there are times when I feel like a leaf being tossed from side to side by other people’s will.
Then he started becoming much stricter with me. He wanted me to immediately use and test everything he taught me. For example, he would give me a technique or tell me to change something about myself. I had seconds to respond to his request. If I didn’t answer, or if I didn’t do what he wanted, I would immediately be subjected to some form of punishment. It could be the severing of my connection with a friend, or simply a whip directly against me, pain. Little by little, as I got used to it, I developed a military-level discipline. I started fulfilling everything. With every thing I fulfilled, I became a little stronger, a little more superior. I even remember going to a friend’s house through astral projection, and they literally suffocated. My energy wasn’t dark or evil or anything like that; I suffocated them with light, with a positive, dominant force, simply by existing there through projection.
I started losing this power, however, once I acquired the power I talk about later in the text.
Then he gave me a technique. I have always called it “lower energy.” Even after 5 years, I still haven’t fully grasped what it is. Maybe you can help me understand it. I can use it to a certain extent, but I still haven’t been able to make any worldly use of it. Around that time, all help stopped, my circle disappeared, my friends disappeared, and I ended up with a girlfriend who had schizoid disorder. Whenever I called Rosier, some malicious entity would come instead and hurt me, and I couldn’t make any sense of what was happening. It’s probably still a technique he expects me to completely master. He wants me to learn that technique 100%. This last part has been a process spanning several years.
The technique is simply this:
You know how in magic, energy is generated or drawn, an intention is given to it, and then it is sent. Here, there is no energy, no intention, and no “sending.” In this technique, there is only will. You direct your will toward a plane, and your will causes that plane to change. At the same time, when this technique is invoked, the concept of space disappears. It becomes something like being the will of the universe itself.
The only way I’ve been able to use this technique effectively is for fighting. For example, the way I’ve used it most often is this: if I know of a force that would genuinely destroy entity X, instead of summoning that force, I simply use my will to make that energy form there, at the location where entity X is. And poof—the effect is as if I had actually obtained that force and directed it there. The entity gets harmed or destroyed. I can adjust the amount as well, and it doesn’t exhaust me. Unless I’m dealing with extremely complex and powerful entities, I’ve become proficient enough that I can handle pretty much anything on my own.
But the world… When I look at everything through this lens, everything in the world seems so incredibly complicated. For example, the effect required to make someone think in a specific way—should I call it the “neuron sequence,” or a thought structure, the form I want that thought to take—it simply never transforms into what I want. Worldly techniques, spells, etc. also seem far too complicated to replicate through this technique. And the more I devote myself to this technique, the farther away from the world I feel.
I get this feeling of “I am the universe.” I get this feeling of “I can rule over everything.” But I can’t rule over anything. I can only kill the motherfuckers who dare to come after me.
And recently I realized that I genuinely can’t perform worldly magic. I can’t do magic using my own energy. Before all of this, however, when I would focus on my own energy, give it my intention, and designate snapping my fingers as a trigger, I would immediately see the effect when I sent the energy out.
I know I’m more powerful than I was years ago, but I feel just as useless. I still can’t do it.
For the last 2 years, I’ve been handling things in the world through Ishtar and what she has given me, but she’s not exactly reliable either. She’s never a bad person, she’s just extremely busy. Frequently very busy. It often seems like she constantly takes on as much work as her capacity can possibly handle, and then uses whatever scraps of time and energy remain to deal with the world and people’s affairs. Naturally, she’s not eager to fulfill every request I make.
Despite everything, she is also an incredible entity. She tells me where and when I need to be, and whenever I show up, I meet completely new people and experience all kinds of interesting events. She has provided me with extremely powerful rituals and spells, yet they are manageable enough that even someone like me can use them.
But I’m still hungry. Hungry for power. Hungry for the ability to make something happen simply by saying “be.” Hungry to become like Rosier—to be able to make something happen just because he says “be,” and to be able to do the same. I can never do it. I’m hungry for the ability to control the will of every entity with my own will, the way he can. But I don’t possess the perception of the universe necessary for that, and whenever I try to acquire it, I feel like I can no longer exist as a human being.
Ever since I learned this technique, I haven’t been able to have any meaningful communication with Rosier either.
I also think that if I want power in this world, I need to completely abandon this technique, forget it, and start everything from scratch. But it feels far too valuable to me, so I can’t bring myself to give it up.