Vasilisa's Journal

This is part journal, part thanks, part inviting opinions. I haven’t asked opinions on this in years. I’m going to use a fake name for privacy sake, for my ex and my friends, but I am not exaggerating anything. This happened in Fall of 2013 and went on through the year 2014. It was my first experience with spirit work and I fell in ass backwards. Prior to this I only had some experience with chi manipulation in martial arts, samadhi through meditation and ashtanga yoga primary series practice, divination, and sigil work through studying liber null. I was always trying to work on astral projection and lucid dreaming, but I suck at it. I was excellent at it as a kid. Anyway… this is long but I hope it is entertaining.

I met an awesome guy after being single by choice for over a year. We were together for a year and a half and he was laid back, funny, and just generally fun and a good hearted guy.

One night around August or September we were sitting on my bed in my room having a disagreement about something and worked through it pretty quick. We never fought. I gave him hug and something scratched my fingers. I had a red line or two, can’t remember, downy fingers, but no broken skin. It looked like and felt like a chi burn from martial arts… I hadn’t seen that in years. My room where I hugged him was an open space with literally nothing that could have scratched me. I dismissed it.

The next weekend, we got in another argument. Minor. We were sitting there on the bed, and his eyes rolled in the back of his head and he kinda appeared to pass out. I was like wtf… *smack smack. Nothing. Then his left deltoid and pectoral muscle started convulsing rapidly, alternating, and appeared to jump out of his skin they were spasming so bad, and he was shocked awake and screamed and grabbed his chest and curled up in a ball screaming. I figured it was a horrible charlie horse thing and tried to calm him down and put pressure. He was out of control screaming and I couldn’t really do much. Then after a short bit the spasms just stopped. It was as if something just dropped him, and his eyes rolled back, he fell back down on the bed, and wasn’t breathing. I fucking freaked the fuck out. I have BLS training though. I tilted his head back, opened his mouth to check his tongue, checked his pulse in his neck and he had a pulse, I put my ear to his mouth and he wasn’t breathing, so I smacked him again a few times. Nothing. So I freaked again and jumped for my cell phone so I could have 911 on speaker while I started giving him breaths or compressions I wasn’t quite sure what to do since his heart was beating. Compressions are to keep the blood flowing, which has oxygen, and keeps the tissues from dying. Compressions are more important than the breaths. So I jumped, and right when I turned back around with my phone in hand he sprang up all crazy eyed and grabbed my arm, hard, and said, “Don’t leave me!” And his eyes rolled back again and he fell back again. Breathing this time. At this point I was utterly confused. I looked at him, and his eyelids were closed but I could see his eyes spasming underneath, darting in all directions. The spasms started again and he lurched and screamed and curled into a ball again screaming till it stopped. And he again, fell back again, but this time started choking and gagging. He said, “It’s choking me.” And I could see the veins popping out of his neck while foam and drool started coming out his mouth. I panicked, honestly. I didn’t know what to think or do. I couldn’t see anything, but it was like someone was choking him. Then it stopped and his eyes rolled and he stopped breathing. I did the same, checked his mouth checked his pulse which he still had, listened for breathing and there was none, smacked him a few times then grabbed my phone again to call an ambulance. As I was dialing, his eyes shot open and he grabbed my arm again for a second, then fell back again with his eyes closed but breathing. His eyes were darting again.

This went on, off and on, for almost four hours. At one point he started moaning and I started asking him questions. I asked, “What is choking you?” Quite a few times. Broken and spread out I got this: "It has the voice of a child. It’s name starts with a “D”. It wants to kill me and then it will try to kill you too. It is tall, black, with knees bent backwards and white eyes.

When he snapped out of it for good, he went to the corner of the bed against the wall corner, tucked his knees up like a kid, and cried and shook for a long time… about a half hour or longer.

I was freaking the fuck out. I had never worked with spirits. I only knew how to manage things directly affecting me. If it were me instead of him, I felt confident… but to help him when I couldn’t see or feel it… I had no fucking idea what to do. I wanted to get him out of the room and house. I got him into my car with me in the driveway to help him calm down, and I literally jumped online and maniacly typed this story out right there in the car on my MacBook on the old Left Hand Path forums, begging for advice. I planned to do every single damn thing suggested. I saged the house. I got a horn to blow. I banished. I steamed up the bathroom with a shower, burned sage and lavendar in a cast iron skillet so it mingled with the steam, and dragged his confused naked ass into the shower. The smoke/steam was so thick it was hard to breathe. And I scrubbed his whole body down with sea salt. When I say he was confused, I mean… this mofo thought I’d lost my damn mind he had no clue what the hell was going on.

And this started to stand out to me. I was a psychotic manic paranoid disaster. I’d never seen shit like that before. I cared about him. I felt like I was at war and really unprepared. I discovered eventually, he had no memory of the episode. None. I pulled up my post on LHP forums and made him read it and asked him, “Do you understand why I’ve been crazy now?” And he nodded.

It happened again the next weekend despite everything I did.

I spent the week talking to anyone more experienced I could find and researching everything I could.

He had started having bad night terrors, nightmares, and sleep paralysis. At some point I got the brilliant/dumb idea to try and draw it into me. I’ve always been tactile and had decent results with chi manipulation in martial arts so I figured what the hell. I wasn’t scared of the fucking thing. My attitude was, please come into me so I can fucking consume you. But I was shooting in the dark as far as process.

I helped him meditate, kinda get in a trance state. I sat in front of him and did the same, then moved my hands across his energy meridians, visualizing it, then created a visual energetic vacuum with the intention of sucking it out and into me instead. I commanded it to come to me.

It did something weird, but didn’t fucking work. And the next day I felt like hammered shit. My eyes were sunken and I was pale like I was sick. May have just been the overall stress though.

That next night he had a horrible nightmare… woke up damn near crying. He told me he saw them and was one of them. It was like he was looking through their eyes but it wasn’t really him. Like he was inside one of them. He said there was blood everywhere, and every creature other than the dark white eyed creatures were skinned. He said there was screaming , and a dog was walking with them that was skinned.

The next morning before I left for work he was screaming with his mouth closed in his sleep and his eyes were darting under his eyelids. I took some lavender oil on both index fingers and went to rub it on his temples. No shit… I was like quarter inch away and he jumped a little and yelled “OW!” with his eyes still closed. This made me wtf. So I rubbed it in and he literally groaned at me. Then I made the rune algiz on his chest in sage ashes to go with it. And left for work. I didn’t have a choice.

At work I randomly got into conversation with an old friend I studied Hinduism and Buddhism with online. I told her I was going mad and that I had some Amytville shit going on in my house and was wigging out.

We’d been friends for a few years. She just then decided to tell me that she thought she knew what it was, and she used to be a Mambo. So I’m like, double wtf but tell me everything g’dammit now now you know…

So she gave me a concoction to make, and told me a variety of things to try, since she didn’t know exactly what it was, and we needed to know. Her guess was Ghede or a nasty ancestor. It was like, try this and this and this or this and if none works try this and this… So… I needed things before that night. It was happening Friday nights at 9. It started the same each time, a wave of anger, then the muscle spasms started.

So I’m busting my ass after work hauling ass to the Catholic Church trying to explain to the priest that I need holy water cause I’m afraid my boyfriend is possessed. Sweet guy. He gave me a bottle. I mixed it up with ammonia, and two other things I can’t remember. I needed honey and liquor though. I picked my bf up from work at like 8:30. Planned to stop at Walmart and get home just in time.

In the parking lot he looked at me with a face of rage, then the spasms started at he screamed and started throwing himself into the passenger window and the dash. I was like omg holy fuck and took off. My house was only a minute away. He started screaming that it was stabbing him in the heart. I almost took him straight to the ER, but ours is notorious for killing people so I hesitated.

I pulled in the garage, ran inside and got the liquor I had, per her advice, and when I came back out and opened his door, no shit 5 seconds later, his ass was up on the dash, arms twisted behind him, and his cheek smushed against the seat, staring at the wall behind me.

I tried talking to him and he was unresponsive. Not even blinking. I took the liquor, rum I think, in the glass with ice cubes, and jiggled it under his nose. He growled at me, like an animal.

I kept trying to talk to him, and he’d say nothing. It wasn’t long and he did come out of that one, and when he did I got him straight right side up in the car. Shortly after he didn’t remember it, again.

So I told my Mambo friend Jackie. She talked to me about spirits forever, told me more things to try, how mischievous spirits operate etc. We discussed exorcisms even. But before anything else she wanted to rule out drugs and medical issues before we went forward with Vudou remedies. So, I planned a doctor trip that coming week. I couldn’t get Logan to agree.

That weekend came. That Friday, I was ready with Jackie’s arsenal of options. I was sitting on the bed next to him while he was being emotional about whatever arguing with me. Suddenly, his eyes changed. Pure hate, and his hand shot out and grabbed my leg, like a claw. His finger tips dug in first, as if he was trying to lift a chunk from my leg, and then he twisted and pulled with tremendous strength. Thank fuck I was wearing jeans that were tight. He didn’t really get ahold well. I jumped away, grabbed the honey I had ready, and slapped a gob right across that bitches forehead. He growled and kinda dove into the center of the bed and started clawing and grinding his forehead into it, like he was trying to claw his way to the center of the mattress. I wanted no time and slapped another gob on the back of his neck under his skull, on the inside of his elbows, and the backs of his knees. That was where Jackie told me the entry points are for spirits. Also the groin but I wasn’t gobbing honey on his gooch. Nay nay.

He went still, on his stomach, hands still out, and just stared at me with that intense hate. It was radiating from him.

He was that way for a few hours. Every so often he’d growl and claw a little or mumble at people not there.

Snapped out of it. Cried and shook. Remembered nothing.

That week, began texting and talking to me in third person every so often. I still have the screen shots of the texts. Next Friday, same shit. Same honey situation. He’s stuck to the bed. Jackie calls me and is like “Heeeyyyy how’s it all going?!” You know like it’s whatever. I told her, I don’t think the honey is working as good as it did. She gave me a bunch of other things to try, and encouraged me to try and get a name. She talked to me for two hours while he was stuck to the bed glaring at me.

This lasted almost 6 hours that night. Towards the end the honey wasn’t doing so good. He managed his way of the bed, like a zombie with no legs. Crawled towards me and reached out. I put my hand on top of his and he slowly pulled it into his mouth without biting. Like he was a snake. Of course I jerked away and moved. He eventually pulled himself upright, like a drunk, and shuffled towards me. I tried to move real quick so as to make him fall back on the bed. He fell like a tree trunk and managed to grab me. He fell on top of me on the bed with his arms wrapped around my back. I jutted my elbows up real quick to brace him away from me. I have grappling experience with dudes bigger than him. But he felt like he weighed a million pounds, and he was squeezing me, and his nose was touching mine. His veins were popping out of his forehead and he was glaring at me breathing and heaving like an animal.

I jumped straight to the last resort thing Jackie told me try. I put my right hand over my heart while bracing him still on that elbow. And dropped my left elbow to put that hand against his heart. I stared back at him and said, “I am you. You are me. We are One.”

It didn’t seem to have any effect. So I was like Jesus fuck shit what the hell do I do.

So I calmed myself and repeated it again, and again, till I got more confident. I added my own bit after a few times… “If you hurt me you hurt yourself.” And kept repeating it with the added phrase.

Then I began to ask, “What is your name?” And I can’t remember what else I said. I can’t remember if she told me by order of the Baron or Lucifer tell me your name or what it was…

But he got pissed again and pressed against me so I went back to the other phrase.

At some point he said, “You better not hurt him.”

And then he opened his mouth as if he was trying to unhinge his jaw, and placed his mouth over the side of my jaw/chin. I dropped my second elbow to grab the hair on the back of his head and jerked his head back hard enough to break his neck. Then I felt him loosen or lighten up. And I immiediately siezed that opportunity and flipped him.

When he snapped out of it he did the normal curl up and shake and cry but this time he was hysterical, apologizing, said he could see his body, like he was in the upper corner of the room, but couldnt do anything or control anything.

He also had pools of blood in his eyes, like broken blood vessels, a a red vertical mark, like a chi burn, down h forehead. I still have a picture of it.

I told him that was it. Over. He was going to the ER. End of story. He begged me to go in the morning instead of right then so I gave in.

That morning he still had the blood in his eyes. Right when we were about to leave, I saw the anger sweep over him in his eyes and he started … I was like, fucking hell no. Over it. I took a spoon of honey and shoved it right in his mouth. Probably could have chipped a tooth I was so over it. And I shoved him in the car.

I looked at him twice pulling out of the garage. The blood in his eyes was gone. Pure white.

At the hospital I explained everything as best as I could without sounding like a psych patient. They did a full blood panel at both our requests. His blood was flawless. No signs of heart issues, no drugs, no nothing.

I told Jackie of course.

That week the talking in third person got more aggressive.

I was giving up
He wouldn’t eat the honey while I was at work, and the talking started. I told Jackie I didn’t know what I was gonna do that weekend. I was going to have to call for police help or an ambulance. I was really afraid he was going to get violent. I can handle myself, but he had superhuman strength when he fell on me, and I didn’t want to shoot him.

She told me that Friday night, light a white candle, and that was it. I was like… that’s all the advice you have? A candle? And she jumped off the phone. So I was just thinking … well I’m fucked.

I was really stressed. That’s an understatement.

I’m going to go ahead and post this, then finish writing the rest.

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Friday came. I lit the candle. Had my phone handy, the honey too although I gave up on it. Kinda thought I might die this time. No faith in the candle whatsofuckingever.

I took her advice. Didn’t react to the anger. I rolled over and pretended to go to sleep. He escalated, and escalated. He was about to get violent. I was ready to jump and dial. I had sat up, and he was in mid-rage yelling at me about nonsense when it was like a switch flipped. He looked at me and said, “You’re so beautiful.”

I was like, ohhhh kayyy…

But didn’t question because… Hey he wasn’t trying to eat my face so I honestly didn’t care what the hell happened.

He had a feminine behavior about him. And he got super sexual. His body language, the words he was saying, the way he touched me with his hands I had never seen before. We had the craziest sex ever. For some reason he was obsessed with my ass and I’m not an assy chick, and I swear his eyes were glowing teal at some point, and he was fucking me like an animal. He was growling and telling me he wanted more from me and to look at him and growl.

It was damned insane and so out of character. Again, I was just rolling with it all, thankful I wasnt being chomped on.

After the awesome sex I told him I’d make some food. I made chicken Alfredo and dandelion tea with honey. While I was in the kitchen I look over, and Logan is sitting g on my couch with all six cats cuddling on him. I kinda thought that was weird. They’re never inside all at one time (they have a kitty door) and he liked them, but not that much. He was nuzzling them with his face and stuff. But at that point it wasn’t so weird, so I was like meh.

He came over, took a few drinks and bites, and said he didn’t feel so good And he needed help getting to the bed. He almost fell out right there at the counter. I had to just about carry him. And he passed right out.

Next morning I woke up for work to see a text from Jackie asking if I was okay.

I was like, a little late you know. A lot of faith to put in a candle that I didn’t die.

So I told her weird things happened but I was fine. She said call her, so since Logan was still asleep I walked outside the house. When I told her about the swjtch and sex and cats she was shrieking YAY I KNEW SHE’D HELP, and oh yeah butt stuff… she’s a bit freaky and likes sex, and she told me all about Erzulie Dantor, and how she loves cats, and how I made her sick feeding her the wrong food. She explained that she’s fiery and loves hot stuff and red meats and red wine… that the honey acts like a sedative to her.

So… that explained that. And she told me to spend all week researching Dantor, and to trust her and she’d take care of whatever was in my bf.

So I went back inside. Before I left he woke up and we did the hug and kiss thing . He touched me the unusual feminine way he had that night. So I was suspicious. I told him, “Sorry you got sick. I have an idea for dinner tonight. I’m going to make steak with hot sauce.”

No shit. His face went blank. He was staring at the wall and said, super monotone, “How did you figure this out so fast?” I was honestly caught way off guard. But I said, “Someone is helping me…?” He asked, “Who?” And j said “Jackie.” He just stared off and nodded, then snapped out of it kinda and resumed normal human conversation before work.

That night, the anger wave came. Again right when I got worried he flipped like a switch. I made the steak and hot sauce. He basically had a shrieking orgasm over it.

I still leave offerings on her altar of steak and Frank’s hot sauce diluted with butter lol.

Days passed into weeks and more super freaky animalistic sex sessions happened. She was always there to flip his switch when the anger got too escalated. I learned that she really didn’t approve of my clothes being on the floor. He pranced around saying “Why do you do this all your pretty clothes are on the floor!” Picking them up and putting them away one time. I found out that she refused to get in the shower. No matter what.

I wasn’t smart enough at the time to really petition her with questions. I was too busy being thankful and trying to keep her happy with foods and sex.

This went on for a few weeks. I told Jackie… I didn’t know what was going on, because it was as if she was taking it’s place but it still was t leaving. It wasn’t a permanent fix.

We discussed exorcism. She said that spirits like that are attracted to deep subconscious pain . Like a moth to a flame. And if we don’t find and heal the root pain, wxorcism could cause more damage than good. Cause when the spirit is removed, a gaping hole with that glaring pain will be left, which will attract others… and a 100 other nasty spirits may fly in there to latch onto that pain to feed off of. And he may go truly batshit insane. That may be why Dantor was kicking it to the side but not booting it out completely.

Problem was, I didn’t have the first idea about that root pain. Still no clue what to do.

Eventually, Jackie suggested to ask the Baron for help. She said Dantor is like a cracking whip of fire but the Baron comes down like an anvil. So she got me Baron oil and Dantor perfume from Haiti and shipped it to me.

The day I planned to use it, I sneak attack sprayed him with the Baron oil. I also sprayed myself. I felt like I was underwater even though I was awake, but comfortable, if that makes sense.

He was just mad as usual. Didn’t know what the hell I was ever doing anymore so he didn’t bother me about it.

That night we were falling asleep. He was asleep. I fell asleep, and I think I was lucid. K was sleeping on my stomach, hands under my pillow under my head. I opened my eyes and next to me Logan’s veins were popping out and get was growling and grabbing the bed. I thought oh shit I don’t want him to know I am awake. So in my dream I reached under the pillow and made out the shape of the bottle with the Baron oil, and the shape of the bottle with the Dantor perfume, as if they were weapons, like mace or something. I hadthwm ready, and I woke up. I shook Logan and was like hey hey are you okay??!! He looked at me crazy and said he was fine. I laid back down. Don’t know if I was alseep or not. I heard a wwhhhhoosh above my head and shot up and shook him again hollering if he was okay. He was like wtf yeah. And I laid back down. Feeling crazy. I went right into another dream.

I was at the car dealership I worked at in the service bay, there was a concrete divider and it was dark around. Like it was night. Logan was in the bay on the other side of the divider. He asked me to come over. For some reason I took my shoes off to climb over the barrier, but before I did I looked up and Logan’s mouth was hanging open with a look of absolute fear on his face, looking up and behind me. I was like… ummm, and went to then and look, but I woke up. And I grabbed him again and shook him awake like HEY HEY ARE YOU OKAY ARE YOU HAVING WEIRD DREAMS? Anything?! … I think he was almost irritated at that point… Like omg no what is wrong with you go to sleep.

And I did. And that was it. As far as that goes. Dantor didn’t take control of him again. The possessions and anger stopped. Everything was perfect and back to normal for about a month.

Then he relapsed. He had been sober for 5 years. I didn’t even know he had a drug problem in his past
.

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It took me a month to realize it was drugs. I’ve never been around pill addicts before. Around that time I was going g through a law enforcement acedemy and switching out of the dealership. Not the best time for your bf to relapse. Lucky for me, my Lt was supportive, the drug court psychologist that worked with the agency I was with, loved Logan, and so did the drug court director. Both offered free help and support. We started weekly sessions with the psychologist and the director drug tested him for me weeklly for free. And I knew eventually when he took something. I learned fast. It was different than the possession episodes.i saw the hate kinda lurking in his eyes, but it didn’t come to the forefront . I knew the nasty thing was still there. But when he was high , he had a lazy eye, and the musclea would relax and it would shoot off to the side. Dead giveaway.

That never happened during the other episodes and I’d have remembered cause I didn’t find it sexy at all. It was repulsive to me, seeing him high as eagle pussy like that with a crazy eye.

He never talked to me in third person again.

He relapsed a good 3 or 4 times, and I got furiously frustrated, cause he was bullshitting me and bullshitting the psychologist and endangering me and my job.

I lost it. When I say I lost it. I’ve never been so furious, cause he was such a bad liar. I was crying, and screaming at him at the top of my lungs. I had to stop and go ape shit on my heavy bag that was in our room. That bitch was bending not swinging, and I was screaming and laying into it. Then turning to scream at him some more. I drilled him into the ground. The conversation went something like this, and at some point he was looked genuinely scared for his life and was crying.

WHAT MAKES YOU PUT A FUCKING PILL IN YOJR MOUTH!?

I don’t know I just know you don’t want to be with me

WHY DO YOU THINK I DONT WANT RO BE WITH YOU! CUT THE FUCKING SHIT!

You…

THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME! THKS IS ABOUT YOU! WHAT GOES THROUGH YOUR MIND WHEN YOU TAKE A PILL?!

Thks went on for a bit back and forth with my intermittently screaming and going psycho on the bag and ugly crying before I went livid again.

WHY DO YOU THINK I DONT WANT TO BE WITH YOU?! NO DONT GIVE STUPID EXAMPLES. WHY DO YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE NOT GOLD ENOUGH FOR ME RO LOVE?!

At that point I was screaming in his face and he was crying and shaking.

He said, “Because I’m gay.”

This actually pissed me off more again but caught me off guard so I stopped screaming and was like,

"What the fuck are you talking about you’re not gay goddammit you love women. You want to have sex with me too fucking much for fucks sake stop bullshitting me. "

Biuuuttttt… the crying got worse and he said, “I’m gross. No one will want to be with me because I’m gross.”

So I asked why are you gross?

And he unloaded a story on me. His parents separated when he was young. His mom is cool, but his dad was a come head, and he had custody on weekends. When Logan would go stay with him, his dad would leave him with his come head friends and go do his street business. His friends drugged Logan and raped him repeatedly.

I kinda fell apart. I went right into the whoa whoa you’re not gross you’re not gay it’s okay I’m not mad that wasn’t your fault spill. I felt like the biggest asshole. I explained to him that male anatomy reacts to things even when it’s not good and that happens to everyone e and he wasn’t gay and wasn’t alone and even if he was gay or bi I wouldn’t be any different … but it didn’t seem to help.

The psychologist and I became very close. She talked to me for almost three hours a few days later. I didn’t want to hurt his trust but she needed to know, and I needed help. It stirred up my own childhood abuse issues, even though I was sexually abused by a female. It was like, a slap with a machete .

I told Dr Laura everything that happened. Cause I felt crazy. Literally. All the Vudou stuff. Everything. She told me the things I witnessed sounded like psychogenic shock, and flashback episodes with dissosociative episodes. She said that when a child experiences released trauma.when young, the psyche can fracture, and another personality will emerge, like a defense mechanism ,to bear the brunt of the abuse. That where some theorize that MPD comes from, and why some will have a type of represses childlike personality, and an angry dysfunctional personality.

She was incredible at helping parallel the spiritual lens I was understanding everything g through, with a psychological explanation

She didn’t discount the experiences I had, just helped me process them in a rational way. She’d say, Vudou says spirit possession, psychology says, a new personality emerges. You say he said he felt like he left his body, psychology calls that a dissociative episode. Etc. It was very comforting and helpful the way she talked to me. Because I felt crazier than pink batshit . She told me that prior, he had ways struggles the most with relapsea during winter, so something about Fall/Winter was a trigger. And the weekends made sense… those episodes always happening on Friday nights. That was when he went to his dad’s. The staying face down and trying to aw into the bed. Everything made more sense. Even Dantors willingness to help. She is the patron deity of abused women and children. And the iconic mother. She wasn’t just protecting me from violence, but likely was possessing him to give relief due to his past as well. She doesn’t usually possess men from.whag I’ve read… but that is a unique situation with his trauma.

We took the tiniest baby steps. He escalated to needles. We could t get his head clean long enough to have anything worth while in therapy. He got suicidal. I Baker acted him after he took my gun and put it to his head and pulled the trigger in front of me. There was one in the chamber. I figure the trigger malfunctioned. That was very traumatic for me. I Marchman Acted him right after. His head was clean. We tried again. I told him, just tell Dr Laura something fucked up happened to you when you were young. That’s all you have to say nothing more. And he lunged backwards. Over and over. He was so high he was stealing my stuff. Being other junkies to my house. Taking my car. Jerking the steering wheel away while I was driving. I chopped his ass on the throat. Another time he was high and started to get physical and I put my forearm on his throat and slammed him into the wall. It was too much. I could t control him and he was endangering me too much. I had to pull some practical magic shit. I gave him sleeping pills and told him they were Xanax, and kept feeding him those over the weekend , just to not have to chase and fight his list for a fix and withdrawal issues if he couldn’t get it. Then I took him and marchman acted him again, dropped him off, and that was it. I broke it off.

And o felt like a failure. I felt like I killed him. I felt like that nasty demon spirit fuck beat me. I felt like the biggest asshole on the universe. His addiction was going to kill me though.

And I saw that spirit, the hatred, in the eyes of other addicts I came in contact with. It was like we recognized each other… I could feel the gaze of pure hate across a room. I am convinced that pills are a gateway for whatever that is that feeds on deep subconscious pain.

And I’m forever in debt to Dantor, even though she never asked for anything. I still cry 9 out of 10 times when I talk about her.

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Sorry about the typos. This phone is horrible to type on and the auto correct is even worse

Thank you for sharing this with us. I learnt many things. Hats off to you.

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