I am so done after seeing that doll.
Not sure if bc hex, or bc proportionally giant dong
No idea why but it seems important to represent the sex/gender of the poppet, somehow.
Yeah… totally because it feels right… definitely not because I, like, get some weird enjoyment out of stabbing poppets in the dick with needles.
I just wanna say seriously… 222… lmao… fck my life. I don’t suppose you’re available for trades anytime soon are ya?
I certainly am, hop right on into my DMs! It’s night time here though so I probably won’t be able to do a reading for… like… 20 hours, if you can wait
Rhythm of War
A few nights ago I tried the Tūmatauenga pathworking again.
Quoting (with amendments and added notes):
I asked @ReyCuervo to test it for me as well, and he had a similar experience:
So, both Rey and I had the experience of general hostility or disapproval towards “outsiders”. Which makes me think that maybe a better interpretation of “not of the earth” is “not of the land”. I interpret this to mean that any pathworking for spiritual development with Tūmatauenga is off-limits to anyone not of Māori heritage (or maybe anyone not of general Polynesian descent, but I can’t say for certain).
So, based on these encounters, I am choosing not to publish the pathworking to him, at least for now. However I do still feel drawn to petition him for baneful work, and I sense this would be acceptable. Also, if anyone reading this is of Māori or Polynesian descent, feel free to PM me and I would be happy to share it with you.
An interesting note on my “shield”. I have never really put concerted effort into its creation or development, how it should look or act; I’ve just boldly gone about my business knowing that I am shielded. It was diamond-hard, shading through completely transparent to pearlescent white, and in the shape of a many-sided prism, like an icosahedron. So… honestly, I think I have Metatron to thank for that. He was the first one to show up when I felt a bit of apprehension talking to Tūmatauenga’s army.
And… now I’m reading back from my offline journal from around July last year. Some of that entry I recorded here, online. About falling asleep in Metatron’s hand. Didn’t include in that post the simple conversation we had just prior:
“You’ll protect me?”
“You’ll love me?” *
“You’ll guide me?”
*(NB: In the spirit of a child asking a parent.)
Thursday, February 25th
The Beginning is The End is The Beginning
Literally the day after posting this, it kind of… not fell apart, but I was forced to reveal it to someone after they asked me about it directly. May be morally bankrupt but am not a liar. Still, hindsight is 20/20. And I like to think of things unfolding always to my benefit. So who knows where that will go.
I’ve been keeping Bael’s seal on my desk at work to try and stop people bothering me, and to leave me in peace. It’s working. It needs more juice. But I think I just need to be patient and let the changes settle in.
The pale princess…
I went to sleep early last night, mid-meditation, woke just after 3 AM, went back to sleep after 4 AM. Set an intent for leaving my body. Interesting how it is that simply intending for it is enough to make it occur. Obviously, intent and will are paramount to achieving result. In this as well as magic/ritual.
Went through several rounds of phase experiences (which encompasses OOBE/lucid dreaming/AP), three or four instances or maybe more. None of them were particularly noteworthy so I didn’t sit up to write notes after each. But I do remember a few things and I’m going to jumble them together with notes, below:
- So far, it has always been nighttime when I leave my body. I have yet to experience an OOBE where I emerge in daytime.
- Lights never work. Why is this? A larger experience of being unable to interact with the “physical world”? Why should turning a light on be beyond my power? Or is this a self-imposed limitation?
- I am now reliably emerging into the phase state into a precise(?) or close-enough version of my bedroom.
- All of last night/this morning’s experiences involved a lack of clear vision. Everything was muddy and dark, or I’d lose my vision entirely. One or two times I’d force my eyes open, but just end up opening my physical eyes and awakening in bed. Need to work on a fix for this.
- Leaving my body is no issue. I am no longer lingering in the hypnagogic state prior to separation, a lot of the time I’m not experiencing sleep paralysis at all. I default to trying separation techniques whenever I wake up without moving or opening my eyes, but overall it seems to be unnecessary.
- During one experience last night/this morning, I was jogging to the front door of the house, as usual. I saw someone’s shade jogging down the hall toward me. A grey, insubstantial spirit of a woman or girl. We paid each other no heed and passed right through each other. I wonder if it was the sleeping spirit of one of my housemates?
Personally I always used to wonder and question when I’d read about others’ experiences with OOBEs or astral projection. Like – what is it actually like to experience? Are you just in a deep trance? Strongly imagining things? Making things up?
I can say with confidence – you’ll know. There is a clear difference, for me anyway, between being in trance, visionary magic, ritual, etc., and actually experiencing being fully conscious yet completely separate from your physical body. It is as real as the outer 3D world you exist in every day, to the point where you will likely question or feel uncertainty as to whether you are actually awake in the “real” world (as I have done repeatedly). It is not imaginary, except in the sense that the world itself is subject to your whims, thoughts, and imagination (still mastering this myself). It is unbound from the natural universal laws. But it is absolutely, 100%, a real and achievable experience completely separate from waking life, but with the same feeling of lucidity, awareness, and full consciousness. The same level of interaction with your environment.
…Of a palace cracked
In a weird place currently, feeling completely drained, yet somehow managing to roll with the punches in the outer world. Mostly.
The important thing is brazen impudence, delusional confidence: “Everything is working out in my favour, exactly as it should be.”
After I’ve caught up with the latest MFWB working I might take a break. Actually, nah. I have so many experimental projects I want to chase. But I think I’m getting magical whiplash. I need to do a huge banishment/cleansing and just hit the reset button. I’m not taking care of myself… in fact I’m doing the exact opposite. I need to focus inward, patch up the cracks, and heal. And progress. Time to stop holding myself back.
I shared the Tūmatauenga pathworking with my friend @norse900 who was also kind enough to test it for me. He reported an experience I found very interesting and I think it’s because of the deities he works with, and those he took along as his guides.
Norse reports how he was “tested”, but connecting the dots, his encounter with Tūmatauenga I would consider similar (speaking as an outsider) to the wero, the ritual martial challenge of a visitor during the traditional Māori welcoming ceremony.
Something keeps me coming back to this deity.
It’s on my list to do the pathworking again, obviously with a guide this time, and see if I can make peace with the tangata whenua horde – I have some ties to Aotearoa even if I am not Māori. Tangata whenua meaning people of the land, and among other things can be used to refer to the Māori people as a whole. So this connects even more dots for me given my initial interaction with Tū and being disdainfully recognised as “not of the
Still not over the surreal experience of “learning” something from a spirit that’s later verified by other sources.
Sunday, 28th February
The Return of The King [of Naught]
When I was looking back through my offline journals recently and cringing over how much effort and magick I poured into the King of Pentacles, I realised just how fucking overboard I went. It’s in my nature to be impatient but I fell for the classic noob trap of “oh it’s been three days and I haven’t seen any movement, I’m gonna do another ritual” and/or “hmm I just found this other thing that seems like it could help the situation, I’m gonna add that to the stack.” Sooner or later the whole stack crumples under its own weight.
And I threw some really heavy shit in the mix. Very experimental, deep-trance, call-on-their-higher-self-to-bind-it-to-yours shit. The kind of shit that seems like an amazing idea when you feel like you’re in love with someone and cannot conceive of there coming a day when you no longer want them, but is a bit of a hassle to undo when you realise all you want is for them to be out of your mind forever.
It’s evident that he still has some hooks in me and it pisses me off. I’m still thinking about him, even though I no longer want him and I’m actively revolted by him 50% of the time. I’ve pondered throwing some curses his way; I’ve gone into deep strategy mode wondering how I can fuck his life up the most. Like maybe nudging him to start a sexual relationship with someone incredibly unstable who sabotages her birth control and gets pregnant on purpose and traps him into paying child support for the next 18 years. That would absolutely ruin him.
But ultimately I just want to stop thinking about him.
Full moon, new moon
We’re into the waning moon phase, which also coincides with my body’s hormonal cycle. Two purposes I plan to use this for:
- A major cord-cutting, banishing, uncrossing ritual to sever any residual connection with my ex,
- The birth of a new project which has been gestating since the new moon.
Is it ambitious to do both at once? Probably.
Should I set some space between them? Probably.
Do I have the energy to do both, or even one of them, today? Probably not.
Am I going to post this, and then move on to writing another post, because I’m feeling very low and deeply in need of something to do, and I’m tired of constantly consuming rather than creating? Yeah probably.
So most of this I write for myself so I can look back on it when I need a boost with LOA/LOB.
I AM is my name forever
“Self-concept” is a phrase thrown around a lot in the “manifestation” community. A contentious subject. Some argue that self-concept is key to manifesting, others claim it is irrelevant. I tend to fall on the side of the former, mostly because I think the phrase itself is easy to misinterpret, and becomes conflated with self-esteem. And while self-esteem is a good thing to have, and is tangentially relevant, it is not the same as self-concept.
Self-esteem is your capacity to have confidence in your abilities and worth.
Self-concept is your answer to the question “Who are you?”, where your answer is I AM. I AM wealthy. I AM liked and adored by everyone I meet. I AM the CEO of ABC company, the wife of XYZ person. I AM lucky. I AM someone who always gets what they want.
The two are not the same, and the latter is far more important. Anything you claim as your I AM-ness, and persist in claiming, you are, and will be.
When you lose focus of your I AM-ness, you’re fighting against the current instead of allowing the river to guide you into calmer waters. “X gave me a promotion”. “Z asked me to be her boyfriend.” Stop focusing on the outside, and turn within.
The illusion of separation
Another fun topic that comes up often for debate is “EIYPO”, meaning “everyone is you pushed out”. Is this literal? No. Sometimes you meet assholes. They were an asshole before you met them and they will probably continue to be an asshole long after you’re gone.
Does this mean solipsism is the foundation for reality? No. Everyone exists in their own bubble of I AM-ness. Everyone is their own God, whether they’ve awoken to that fact or not.
But we are all part of the same I AM, the same God, the same source. And so what this means is: people will react to your I AM-ness – your self-concept. Because no matter what you place after “I AM”, you still… are. You can forget what you are, and who you are, but you can never forget that you are.
And as we of the same source, the same I AM: separation is an illusion. And this is what EIYPO comes back to. You reflect back to me my self-concept, my I AM-ness, the same way I reflect yours back to you.
You are not separate from me. We are one and the same. And when I focus on you, I forget and lose sight of myself. Trying to change the outer world by force, or trying to change other people, is like trying to wipe a smudge off your own face by cleaning the mirror.
Go within. Focus on I AM. Persist in what you ARE. And watch the world and the people around you change effortlessly to reflect this back to you.
Monday, March 1st
My mood has gradually lifted as the day’s gone by. I woke up still feeling absolutely miserable and wretched, and the first thing I did when I got to work was cry at my desk. By the time I got home I was back to my usual (mostly) chipper self.
I have a friend who listens to subliminals, and we often compare notes. I’ve started listening to a full playlist of subliminals by the maker of the Concordia Booster. A lot of the time the maker will list “ascension symptoms” or some such phrasing as a side-effect of listening. She, my friend, has mentioned a few weird happenings with her mental state on adopting a few of the other subliminal tracks.
So I am wondering if that is happening to me as well, or if it’s merely my hormones orchestrating my mood to a much greater degree than normal, or both, or something more, or neither. Perhaps all the MFWBs from last October finally catching up with me. Perhaps this last MFWB dealing with targeted baneful magic; which I’ve never done (not counting targeted psychological torment), and I’ve been drawing on quite a bit of energy to pour into those workings, not to mention making poppets.
I have heard/seen the tales of people who experience a kind of “dark night of the soul” around the same time as a spiritual breakthrough. Maybe I’m silly but I don’t tend to put a lot of stock in something until I experience it myself. Well, I guess I put stock in it now.
Either way, definitely a wake-up call for me to be more careful with banishing and taking care of my space. My little mink-familiar does a good job of keeping low-level parasites and astral trash out of my temple but I shouldn’t be exposing her to that kind of harmful energy either.
If I struggle a lifetime, what would my body be?
An empty shell, on what a demon fed?
I deny failure, I ignite
woe is on my misery,
she wins all their eyes
Mostly I helped lift myself out of this dark place today as follows: I kept on going with the subliminal playlist. I listened to Neville Goddard lectures over the top of it. I read some scripture. I sequestered myself away from everybody over my lunch break and listened to/watched ASMR videos while affirming and visualising what I wanted. I spent the rest of the day listening to the same two uplifting songs back-to-back on repeat.
Last night I only had the energy to do a slightly more complex take on the DoM opening ritual as an LBRP alternative. Included calling “from below, Sandalphon”. I had each entity draw a banishing pentagram around me, then I had Metatron rain down a holy flare of fire upon the entire house. Did this in the shower, then did a purposeful scrubbing from the top of my scalp to the soles of my feet, visualising the running water washing away any negative energy.
Cord-cutting ritual with Hekate presiding tonight. Pretty simple. Lit a red candle and white sage incense. I took a small piece of paper and folded it precisely in half. On one half I wrote my name and DOB, on the other half I wrote the King of Pents’ name and DOB. Meditated and called on Hekate until I felt her presence.
She watched as I tore the paper down the middle. Then I rolled each side into a scroll, tied each with three knots, connected with the same thread. I visualised the energetic connection between us represented by the thread. I burned the thread to sever it entirely, then I burned the scrolls and remnants of the thread together in my “cauldron”. I cut my fingernails and fed them into the fire. A small but personally meaningful sacrifice, serving to represent my willingness to cut away that which I have outgrown, and offer it to the flames. I did feel a bit lighter afterwards.
A few other things are falling into place nicely. A money ritual wouldn’t go astray at the moment but I think a break from ritual is really needed for a bit.