Tuesday, May 4th
Is it odd to say I miss being on the edge of insanity and feeling like my perspective of time is irreparably shattered? Well fuck it, I do kinda miss it. 
Oh, these broken promises. 
There’s been a lot of stuff rattling around in my head these past few weeks. So naturally I have notes upon notes upon notes, spread across various devices and various threads, and very little progress in the way of putting anything together coherently. Then behind it all, there is the inimitable @ReyCuervo serving as muse and recipient of my tangled accounting of thoughts & quotes & synchronities & coincidences &… you get it. Thank you.
Between the end of that paragraph and the beginning of this one, I fell down another rabbit hole of Bible verses. But, as much as I like leaving myself a trail of quoted scripture to inspire me or remind me of certain things, it lacks a certain framework. So. Let’s get this rambling out of the way, and I’ll try and organise my current thoughts, disjointed as they may seem (and they certainly are).
Het universum zingt voor mij!
So most of my rabbit-hole diving has been pointing back to the same thing, but again, still more questions than answers. I did stumble across something which I had an existing mental association with, and I could only laugh at how strongly I identified with it:
Even then and even now, all the personal associations gradually filling in this mind-map I’ve created to try and find the answer to my questions.
What happened? Where am I?
…What is that melody?
Hold it together…
…Density, mass, momentum… it is too — it is too much to hold on to.
I will bring you a new understanding of the universe.
The universe is singing… to me!
…Freedom.
Imprisonment.
It’s all an illusion…
Gravity is a harness. I have harnessed the harness…
“The universe sings for me!”
Chaotic neutral
I did take a break from rituals for a while, but as I have said before, magic is not something you do, it’s something you are, and its mechanism ticks away in the background whether beyond your notice or not.
Months and months ago I decided to associate a randomly-occurring event (me hearing the sound of ambulance sirens) with an outcome (a specific person is thinking of me). The results have been interesting.
In the beginning, I would hear police/ambulance/firefighter sirens, actively notice it, and think to myself “X is thinking about me right now.”
The effect of this was (1) steadily increasing incidents of hearing sirens, over months – not a day goes by now where I don’t hear sirens – and/or (2) the priming of my brain to notice sirens more frequently. I note these two together because they are somewhere in the realm of correlated or causative – inseparable.
The question being: does priming your brain with associations cause you to notice “random” events with more frequency? Or does associating random events with a desired outcome build on itself over time?
A few times I’d have experiences that seemed to point to causation – for instance, someone would mention my name in a group setting where X person was present and a siren would immediately be heard in the distance; or as another example, I would hear a siren and within seconds receive a text from X person (or conversely, would text X person, and hear a distant siren within around 30 seconds of it being sent.
Ultimately the effect kind of reversed itself; to the point where I would hear sirens and think about X person, rather than hearing sirens and think that X person is thinking of me. But, it all seems to feed into the same system.
If I’m not mistaken, this is a kind of spin on a tenet of chaos magic: i.e., associate an outcome with an action, perform action, intend to receive result.
So, I will experiment with this further.
Another association I’ve made is – bear with me – the colour of my keyboard, indicating my relative position in a certain “timeline” or “reality” or “dimension”, whatever you want to refer to it as.
It’s a nice, fancy, mechanical keyboard, but I can’t change its colour scheme because of my computer’s operating system. It’s not possible. For months this keyboard stayed the same colour, until one day I noticed it had changed, and so intentionally made this association. Now, it frequently changes colour at random. Whether it’s only a few keys changing shade slightly, like a handful of keys from red to pink, or to purple; or the entire thing adopting a different colour scheme, incorporating green and orange and blue. (Don’t @ me with your technical advice, this is my delusion and I’m sticking with it. )
This experiment is a little different to the previous one, but it’s one I’d like to keep going with. And, it seemed to follow that period of a few weeks ago which shattered my perspective of time and reality. I’m not entirely convinced it can be translated to significant results, but perhaps only because my intent is unclear.
However, I will continue to experiment using mundane associations with directed intent.
Too often, we close such beautiful channels that were open to us by discounting our impression as unreal rather than allowing them to be legitimate.
— Gateway Experience manual
As far as “everyday magic” goes; I have had some trouble coming back to earth after the last few weeks. At that point I did actually worry about my own sanity. My concept of time seemed anchored in the future. This is what I miss. And I would be seeing “signs”, coincidences, synchronities everywhere I turned. Other people would voice my thoughts aloud within seconds of me thinking them. Everything seemed to point back in the same direction, but there were no answers, only more questions. I know, I keep repeating this. I am still at this stage, but more grounded… to my regret, I suppose.
Currently this kind of “sign” phenomenon is manifesting as repeated number sequences. It’s neat, but I have never put much stock in “signs”. I am not interested in “signs”. Focus stays solely on my full and complete outcome. A sign is not an outcome.
Method to the madness
I should keep a manifestation journal, but again, recorded results & outcomes are splintered across different devices or buried deep between bible verses and quotes and other notes I keep. What is more interesting is understanding the mechanism, or the formula, and replicating this with consistency. I’ve manifested things like free coffee every day for a week, after lightly setting an intention and thinking on it no more. I’ve manifested seeing someone on an evening where they were meant to be unavailable due to work, through “brazen impudence” and strict control of my thoughts (“mental diet”) over the day, despite being in an extremely poor mental state at the time. Naturally, this event worked itself out to fruition organically, through sheer “coincidence”.
But when I tried to apply the same method a few days later, it was not fruitful.
So the question is one of consistency… or obstinacy. Or both.
Obviously, it would be much easier if we were just handed the keys to creation and had a bulletproof system that works every time. Or maybe that is the case, and I’m just not applying my intent in the right way.
But now I’m back on planet earth and having to employ concerted effort to keep my mind where it needs to be. 
It was easier when I was isolated and struggling mentally. Why is that? Perhaps because I had little else to occupy my thoughts?
Wednesday, May 5th
On experiments
Song of servitors
Some experiments I’ve been tinkering with. First, two pathworkings, of a sort. Each should lead to a servitor, or egregore — some kind of thoughtform spirit. I pulled these pathworkings from songs, after on-and-off pondering idly on the power of music in our everyday lives. These songs are immensely popular in their niche/genre, and some of the most beloved of the bands’ discography, and so in my estimation they have been passively fed for over a decade (the other for over two decades) by the imagination of listeners, and by the massed collective energy raised by crowds at live performances. If you’ve ever been to a death metal concert and been pressed up against the barrier in the seething moshpit — you know this kind of feverish, chaotic energy I’m referring to.
Both are for baneful workings. One is for (in my estimation) any or all of these effects:
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causing a target to be driven to paranoid insanity;
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compelling a target to commit unlawful/amoral acts;
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causing the target’s reputation to be destroyed so they are scorned and outcast by friends and family, and possibly law enforcement;
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causing great illness, draining a target’s energy, potentially death.
The other one I am still feeling out, but it is a curse for an ex-lover, a target who caused you great harm and one that you now hate and wish to suffer greatly. The effects are not exactly clear to me yet, but I’m thinking it will or should cause the target to suffer immense regret and torment, and to feel like their life is unravelling without you. So, obviously, caution is needed as this could have unintended consequences.
I don’t have any targets so I have not tested either of them myself, but I have given the first one out to be tested. My theory is that, similar to a servitor, it will take some trial and error for the spirit to figure out how to achieve its goal.
If anyone reading this would like to experiment with either of them, let me know. I would recommend that you have some experience with pathworking/connective evocation AND that you take a guide with you, or are confident in your shielding and banishing.
Further to this I have another curse I’m working on developing, using a famous poem, of over 200 years – intending to cause the target’s downfall due to their own hubris. I don’t think this will be a functional pathworking, so I need to find some other way to employ it.
This one I do have a target for. 
I’d just like to be completely out of the way before I set things in motion for the fall.
Subspace
Thinking about how emotional transmutation is heavily focused on within mordern/postmodern magic, I wanted to try an experiment in this area. Without going into too much detail… I have a fun quirk where certain adult activities will overwhelm me with a sudden and massive flood of biochemicals. The effect of which is me bursting into tears and sobbing heartbrokenly, followed by hysterical laughter. Usually two to four cycles of this which taper off in intensity and then subside.
My conscious mind is not at all engaged when this happens; I’m not thinking about anything and I don’t have any control over the cry/laugh cycle. So, I figured I’d use it for supercharged emotional transmutation. I tested it the other day and was at least able to switch my brain on enough to focus on impressing bad thing 
good thing through one cycle, crying to laughing. No results yet, but the outcome I focused on is something that’s already simmering away in the background regardless, so at very least I gave it some extra juice.
A more methodical approach is needed, something specific and material as a yardstick. 
Perhaps a certain amount of money. Something concrete.
As an aside, I suppose it raises a question of ethics — hypothetically — which is to say that I can see how it might be ethically questionable to some people, since technically it would come under the banner of sex magick, and therefore raise questions of consent. But I don’t feel guilty about it, and it involves nothing but my own self and my own energy and doesn’t infringe on anyone else present.
It does spark my curiosity in terms of what other experiments in sex magick are open to me. I’ll speak more on that if and when it happens.
Dreams & phases
Yes yes, reading about others’ dreams is usually boring, so I’ll be brief. I had a lovely dream a few nights ago, about a special person. It was wonderful to wake up and feel like I’d actually just spent hours and days with him. Most of it was mundane, but one part seemed somewhat portentious: I went to pull out my phone to call someone, but it wasn’t my phone. It was a random older smartphone model, and it had no screen. It was like someone had taken the backs of two phones and glued them together. An unuseable phone. A friend of mine in the dream remarked that someone might have tried to sabotage me by taking my phone and replacing it with this one. So, just noting this dream here for future reference.
I’ve not had any phase (OOBE/AP/lucid dream) events in a while. I did find myself in the hypnagogic state a few days ago but I couldn’t leave my body. I forced myself to sit up, and felt myself sit up, and then I forced myself to open my eyes, but it was my physical eyes that opened, and I was still physically lying on my side in bed. I tried to induce a deeper paralysis and attempted a few techniques, although nothing worked. (To be fair, that’s on me, I should have tried harder.)
I miss it. I’ll set an intent for it.
Scripture
Oh yeah, you know I wasn’t gonna end this long ramble without throwing some scripture in here. Actually, I also wanted to post here something I wrote a week or two ago, perhaps more. I don’t really remember writing it, and it was after a long and involved session with a deity. The deity. The Firstborn. Whatever his true name is. Even if I knew it I wouldn’t write it here.
Excuse the all caps, this is how I wrote it at the time:
THE UNIVERSE IS MADE OF ENERGY AT ITS MOST FUNDAMENTAL LEVEL.
IN THE NONLOCAL SELF, ALL THINGS ARE NOT ONLY POSSIBLE, BUT ALREADY EXIST.
CONSCIOUSNESS IS REALITY.
REALITY RELIES ON INTENT.
THE CONSCIOUS MIND/EGO-SELF IS THE GATEWAY TO YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS MIND/GOD-SELF.
OBSERVATION AND INTENT ARE REQUIRED TO COLLAPSE NONLOCAL PROBABILITY INTO YOUR LOCALLY-EXPERIENCED “REALITY”.
HABIT WILL CAUSE YOUR LOCAL SELF TO DEFAULT TO CERTAIN INTENT, WHICH INFLUENCES THE NONLOCAL FIELD.
THAT WHICH YOU IMAGINE WITH FEELING AND INTENT IS HAPPENING NOW.
IT IS REACHING ACROSS TIME AND SPACE TO TOUCH THE FULFILMENT OF THIS DESIRE.
THE FUTURE CAN AFFECT THE PAST.
BECAUSE TIME IS RELATIVE, YOU EXPERIENCE YOUR IMAGINATION AS PRESENT FACT.
YOU REACH OUT ACROSS THE VAST UNIVERSE, THE NONLOCAL FIELD OF PURE POTENTIALITY, AND YOU SELECT THIS MOMENT FOR EXPERIENCE AND IN DOING SO SET INTO MOTION THE MECHANICS THAT WILL BRING ABOUT YOUR INNER DESIRE IN YOUR OUTER WORLD.
IT IS NOT NECESSARY AND IT IS NOT FOR YOU TO QUESTION HOW THIS EVENT WILL COME TO PASS.
IT IS ONLY NECESSARY FOR YOU TO EXPERIENCE YOUR DESIRED REALITY (IN YOUR IMAGINATION), FEEL IT AS A REAL EXPERIENCE OR AS REAL MEMORY OF AN EXPERIENCE, INCLUDING THE EMOTIONS YOU WILL, WOULD, OR WOULD HAVE EXPERIENCED WILL IT YET OR HAS IT ALREADY COME TO PASS, AND BE FAITHFUL TO YOUR IMAGINAL ACT.
YOU REPEAT THIS IMPRESSION OF INTENT UNTIL YOUR MIND IS SATURATED IN IT. WHETHER YOU FEEL AN ELATED “IT IS DONE!” OR, CONVERSELY, AN UNEXPECTED INDIFFERENCE OR DAMPENING OF YOUR PASSION FOR THE OUTCOME; IT HAS BEEN IMPRESSED ON YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS.
YOUR TASK NOW, HAVING MARRIED YOURSELF TO THIS FATE, IS TO REMAIN FAITHFUL IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO IT. EVEN IF IN INDIFFERENCE YOU PUT IT ASIDE, YOU REMAIN FAITHFUL THAT ITS CERTAINTY IS GUARANTEED.
HAVING IMPREGNATED YOURSELF WITH THIS STATE, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ALTER IT FURTHER. AS THE BABE GESTATES IN THE WOMB, YOUR INTENT GESTATES IN THE NON-LOCAL FIELD.
The above also kinda reminds me of this, which I read on the NG subreddit earlier:
What if we are destined to experience our desires? What if we desire them because we are meant to experience them? And they are just there waiting for us to realise we already have them, that we are meant to experience them.
Our God self knows they are there, our God self knows we are meant to experience them so we’re nudged towards them through desiring them.
They already exist - creation is finished. We don’t need to ‘magic’ them into existence, they’re there, waiting for us! To have the desire means we are meant to experience it!!
The word desire originates from two Latin words:
(So quite literally: down from the stars)
These 2 words later formed - “de sidere” which means : from the stars
Again this then evolved to the word: “desiderare” which means - to long for; wish for; demand; expect; await what the stars will bring
Today we have the word desire which originates from all of the above.
We are meant to have our desires.
— /u/OmertaShhh
Which neatly ties into this, the promised scripture:
John 3:27 “…A man can receive nothing, unless it has been given to him from heaven.”
vs.
Luke 17:21 “the kingdom of God [heaven] is within you.”
This too:
1 John 5:4 “For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith.”
And finally, one I am chewing over at the moment:
1 John 5:7 “For there are three that bear witness in heaven: the Father, the Word, and the Holy Spirit; and these three are one.
[8] "And there are three that bear witness on earth: the Spirit, the water, and the blood; and these three agree as one.”
So the Spirit dwells in both heaven and earth (as above, so below); it is intrinsic to God as it is intrinsic to mankind.
What of water and blood?
Until next time 
I have my own theories but I am burning for answers
I haven’t had much of an effect with the Concordia Booster so I was thinking of experimenting with combining it with some other tracks to see if anything happens.
it manifested exactly the same ! It was amazing