I seen a lot of discussion on how someone was traumatized in one way or another leading them to Magick.
What kind of trauma (if you are willing to speak about it) did you go through that brought you to this point.
Me personally other than being bullied as a child in school and some minor verbal abuse from my father (if that can be considered traumatic) I have no traumatic experiences. I’m just drawn to Magick like it’s calling out to me.
For me it was physical Abuse (from Grandparents) and spirittual abuse (from Johcucka). Being beat for something as simple as looking at porn. Like cmon bro lol. Its a movie.
See what i mean?
Also it was constant being harrassed and blamed for shit i aint do like missing spoons, sticking to my guns when i said i wasnt lying or i didnt know how something happened or why i did something.
I got fucking beat for not knowing/remembering the name of the mountain where Noahs Ark came to rest after the flood
Eventually, all that shit piled up on top of feeling powerless my whole 18 yrs and constantly being under authority. Also, Once i realized Johcucka was a waste of time and I wasted 11 yrs of my life serving Him that Ill never get back, thats when the kind and sweet micah died and the present Demon you see was born…or rather came out of his hiding place
I then knew there had to be more than that shit. I needed power. Craved it. Wanted it. And i was and will get it at any and all costs.
I was 23, suicidal and an Atheist, and sitting in my empty apartment, having dumped or given everything I owned in preparation, with a map (er, pre-gps, and phones were bricks) planning the road trip to the remotest location I could find where I planned to gas myself in my car in peace.
And in the first clairvoyant experience I ever had, a crystal clear, firm but slightly condescending voice said:
“You do KNOW you’ll just reincarnate, don’t you?”
Me: “Well, no, fucker, I didn’t fucking know that, and who the fuck do you think you are anyway? Piss off! Arrrggh!”
And in that second, I wasn’t an Atheist any more. I certainly had no intention of risking a repeat of my childhood, raised as I was by a sadistic narcissist. Then I felt totally cheated. I was mess of hopping-mad, livid despair for a while. I started the long road to knowledge and ascent after I calmed down enough… but I’m still a very angry person. Everything about this planet makes me angry, but it’s not time to leave so I have to try to change, it, myself, or both.
It seems my life before magic was a long line of trauma after trauma. I feel that my ego needed to be broken down before I could even start to comprehend. Working through the left hand path has certainly had its tram as too. Having your entire reality changed and some of Baal’s test, ugh. I’ve come out strong, whole, powerful, enlightened, the phenix. Born into the light of the darkness. He’s a harsh teacher but I love him for it.
Slow death of one parent who was abusive when I was small and later I reported this and the other was also (and lived a long long time), physically and emotionally, then a short respite after kids born, then ego got in the way and the trauma came at me again until I was able to find a way to get rid of the abusers. Also, got bullied in school a lot as I moved around so much had no real long term friends, if any, maybe one or two along the way, but the abuse from other kids was horrid. Got beaten by strange gang of older boys in 5th grade. Don’t know who they were, had a concussion from it and many many bruises, missed a week of school b4 doc would let me go back.
So many details don’t want to share on a forum, but magick has always fascinated me, but I didn’t dare try it till after I hit my 40s, then it was like lightning struck, had to go for it as I finally had enough money to do something about my spiritual life. Yeah, so I thought, but really just needed to feel safe or brave enough to do my own thing.