Always considered my self a bit gray. Light gray but still gray. I just got a bit darker today. I’m bitter. My ex husband told me once when we were divorcing “It’s easier to hate you because us divorcing hurts” I know what that means now as I feel it myself. Point blank I REALLY hate “God” right now. He is a mean bastard. That bible, which I never really accepted anyways is even more bullshit. “Ask and believe and it will be given” (im paraphrasing). Bullfuckingshit
If I was not meant to be with my soulmate why the fuck was I allowed to be situated in my life (as a child) right next to him. His sister became my best friend. I fell in love with him the moment I saw him at 13 years of age. He is 4 years older. We were never a couple. Barely friends really but still sociable and friendly when around each other. At 25 he gave me a very small, quick kiss and until last December that is all that ever happened between us. Nothing. Not a hand holding, touch. Not one thing. I still remained in love with him. Purest most honest love possible.
Ive been pretty much “told” i can’t have anything to do with him by “them” (pointing up). Something always separates us apart. Cant even maintain a friendship for some reason on our own (my friend, his sister passed almost 8 years ago). In March for the first time ever I told him how I felt. He had contacted me out of the blue last summer and we had be talking a bit. Saw him in December and things got weird on his part as it seemed he didnt really wanna speak to me. If i messaged him he would respond and be very short and all but that was about it. So I just laid it all out there. Told him everything I could think of. Promised to not contact him again and didnt. Today is his birthday so I thought I would say happy birthday to him and give one final try at us being friends and talking again. Not a word back from him. He saw it and ignored me. I dont expect everything to go my way in life. But why was i put in the path of someone I was not meant to be with knowing (oh “HE” knew) I would hurt my whole life. If im being punished for a past life transgression then why is what exactly I did been taken from my memory. I know what I suspect but punishing someone spiritually this harshly is downright nasty and mean. Moreless telling someone your in trouble and “grounded or jailed” but not saying why. That’s fucked up.
Easier to hate him. Love hurts too badly and im sick of it. It does not one bit of good for me so I did a cord cutting. Not sure if its going to work as he is my soulmate and twin flame (please dont argue this. I know him well enough and have researched both to know this is indeed a fact). Im trying to undo 35 years of feelings and hate him instead.
I have always felt like god above hates me. I ask and believe and feel I get the middle finger in my face. Not just with him but life period. Like i am a child of demon and he wants no part of me. Fine I can flick him off too. Ive turned my back completely. He is a cruel prick. I feel like a plaything where he just fucks with my feelings. Seeing me hurt. I will take my issues and loyalties to King Paimon and Duke Dantalion from now on. At least they listen to me. Maybe I am demons “child”. Loyalty, love and respect is a two way street. I’m not giving and giving and not even really hearing thanks but to a “god” that just takes and takes. Ive even asked for my feelings to be removed and gone. To a point of indifference and not hate. Nope girlfriend. You sit there and suffer for no reason at all (well there is a “reason” im just not gonna tell you what that is)
Sorry for this ramble. I have no one to talk to about this so had to get this out somewhere. This seems like a good place. My only understanding confidante was taken from me years ago. She understood. She was the only one.