This gray witch just got darker

Always considered my self a bit gray. Light gray but still gray. I just got a bit darker today. I’m bitter. My ex husband told me once when we were divorcing “It’s easier to hate you because us divorcing hurts” I know what that means now as I feel it myself. Point blank I REALLY hate “God” right now. He is a mean bastard. That bible, which I never really accepted anyways is even more bullshit. “Ask and believe and it will be given” (im paraphrasing). Bullfuckingshit

If I was not meant to be with my soulmate why the fuck was I allowed to be situated in my life (as a child) right next to him. His sister became my best friend. I fell in love with him the moment I saw him at 13 years of age. He is 4 years older. We were never a couple. Barely friends really but still sociable and friendly when around each other. At 25 he gave me a very small, quick kiss and until last December that is all that ever happened between us. Nothing. Not a hand holding, touch. Not one thing. I still remained in love with him. Purest most honest love possible.

Ive been pretty much “told” i can’t have anything to do with him by “them” (pointing up). Something always separates us apart. Cant even maintain a friendship for some reason on our own (my friend, his sister passed almost 8 years ago). In March for the first time ever I told him how I felt. He had contacted me out of the blue last summer and we had be talking a bit. Saw him in December and things got weird on his part as it seemed he didnt really wanna speak to me. If i messaged him he would respond and be very short and all but that was about it. So I just laid it all out there. Told him everything I could think of. Promised to not contact him again and didnt. Today is his birthday so I thought I would say happy birthday to him and give one final try at us being friends and talking again. Not a word back from him. He saw it and ignored me. I dont expect everything to go my way in life. But why was i put in the path of someone I was not meant to be with knowing (oh “HE” knew) I would hurt my whole life. If im being punished for a past life transgression then why is what exactly I did been taken from my memory. I know what I suspect but punishing someone spiritually this harshly is downright nasty and mean. Moreless telling someone your in trouble and “grounded or jailed” but not saying why. That’s fucked up.

Easier to hate him. Love hurts too badly and im sick of it. It does not one bit of good for me so I did a cord cutting. Not sure if its going to work as he is my soulmate and twin flame (please dont argue this. I know him well enough and have researched both to know this is indeed a fact). Im trying to undo 35 years of feelings and hate him instead.

I have always felt like god above hates me. I ask and believe and feel I get the middle finger in my face. Not just with him but life period. Like i am a child of demon and he wants no part of me. Fine I can flick him off too. Ive turned my back completely. He is a cruel prick. I feel like a plaything where he just fucks with my feelings. Seeing me hurt. I will take my issues and loyalties to King Paimon and Duke Dantalion from now on. At least they listen to me. Maybe I am demons “child”. Loyalty, love and respect is a two way street. I’m not giving and giving and not even really hearing thanks but to a “god” that just takes and takes. Ive even asked for my feelings to be removed and gone. To a point of indifference and not hate. Nope girlfriend. You sit there and suffer for no reason at all (well there is a “reason” im just not gonna tell you what that is)

Sorry for this ramble. I have no one to talk to about this so had to get this out somewhere. This seems like a good place. My only understanding confidante was taken from me years ago. She understood. She was the only one.

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I don’t have answers but I have hugs and an ear to listen. I’m so sorry for your heart ache beautiful. I know the pain. :heart: pm me if you ever feel the need to vent. I don’t judge. Ive Been too many people in my own life to let myself judge another person.

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I can honestly feel what your going through. I sorta met my soul mate the same way. But our families in their own way kept us apart. I’m moved away my senoir year of high school to get out of an abusive home.
When I was away he was tragically killed in a car wreck. I still greive for him and visit his grave often.
I didnt find out until later that he did truly love me and was planning to go me once I graduated high school. He was just trying to let me graduate first.
Sometimes I miss him like he just died yesterday. I have an in memory of tattoo for him on my left shoulder. He will always be my dearest love.

What did help me was that I started keeping a journal. But I wrote in it like I was writting him a letter. Like if he had just moved away. It did help. And when I met Azazel, he was so moved by it that he asked me to write him letters like that.

It did help and metting Azazel helped even more.

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@anon482649 Thank you very much. I do appreciate that. While I meant every word I said I am extremely angry too and will be ok. I just feel so slapped in the face right now.

@Empress_Arianna His sister knew day one how I felt lol. We talked always about how we could actually become sisters. He is four years older than me. Got in a big hurry to grow up, get married and move out/on and did not wait for me to grow up myself . Only for him to be miserable for 30y+rs (god honest truth. I have witnessed it all). When we started talking I tried asking questions from when we were kids/teens. Laughing, he did say I was “jailbait” once and pretty much admitted the interest was there (again he is four years older so yeah lol). And that “He saved us both from heartache” (No he caused it. Many times, but that is another story). I actually am going to begin a journal. Making a cover for it right at this moment.

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Everything you’re saying I can totally relate to as I have been going through something similar in the past few months. And it’s also driven me to distance myself from my Catholic upbringing and embrace Lucifer, which has been a really positive experience for me. And I know that soulmate/twin flame relationships are the hardest to deal with. I know it’s not much, but find solace in the fact that you have a community here.

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Thank you so much for that. I do feel better knowing some others understand how im feeling in their own ways. I want nothing to do with anything remotely “Christian” right now. I have 100% turned my back right now. Im like you hate me. Fine, right back at ya. I asked forever and a day it seemed because I felt something was being hidden from me. Not a word. I did a truth spell to King Paimon and had my answer in 24 hours!!! Guess what??? He and I are still both alive and breathing. Yeah I found something bad out. Guess what?? I still dont have a rap sheet. He lived. Why couldnt that just have been told and shown to me when I pretty much begged for answers?? I had to ask a demon for help (and I am more than grateful to King Paimon. So thankful!!) because “god” flicked me off pretty much. Screw him too.

It’s even rougher to deal with him being my soulmate because he can fight me magically if he really wants to. Everything Ive done to try and get him to speak to me has not worked yet (I wont say failed because I dont know what is going on with him right now. I dont live anywhere near him) but when i wrote to him in March I did tell him i was blocking him because I couldnt handle him further rejecting me. I made it clear it wasnt against him or in malice but because it hurt he didnt feel the same for me. That lasted three days. I did unblock him (my guides told me to for some reason) whether he was aware of it or not. Contacting him yesterday was a way of letting him know that he could message me again if he wanted. I realize he might be mad at me for that but he hasnt been exactly perfect and open himself.

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@Empress_Arianna Trust me in another lifetime you two will be together again and have the best relationship possible! I totally feel you, kinda going through the same thing losing a true soulmate and it’s really hard for me at times, but trust me the universe is gonna bless y’all real good! True love always makes it’s way back to each other somehow!

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All these experiences are hitting me in the feels. From a guy’s perspective, all I can say is that when we have such feelings like this, it is so hard to just lay it all out there. We want it to be perfect, and we want to be ready to be that man that we know she deserves. And even through it all, we don’t ever know if it’s right to have those certain emotions about someone for so long. What if I am in love with an ideal rather than who she is?

And if there is a long time passing without communication, those feelings of doubt and insecurity just fester. Over a decade, and I still don’t feel I am in the right place to have a relationship with anyone in that way I wish I could. This Path is just that demanding in my own case.

@ViktoriaMourning
Since you have told him how you feel so directly, there is nothing else for you to do. It may be nice to just let him know once in a while you still have feelings and they aren’t going away. But beyond that, he has to grow on his own and come to the conclusion that you are the one for him.

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I think so. I know we were together in a past life. I’ve seen it. He was my soul mate.

I also know who my twin flame is but unfortunately that doesn’t look like it can work out in this lifetime either. Men always choose the big titty blonde over the one who loves them more than anything on earth. But fuck it. If he wants to treat me like an option, I’ll walk away like a choice. I’ve never fought over a man and I’m not going to now either no matter how much I care. Apparently they deserve each other.
Also I have my darkestknight so its all good. If a man will turn on your star wars night light and check under your bed for monsters and hold you when you just want to be held and spank you when you want to be spanked then he’s a keeper :heart_eyes: and darkestknight does all That.

As far as my soul mate that I wrote about in my first post he was the mercury to my Venus. And we revolved around each other in a beautiful magical way. And if we were together in the past then I know we can be together again. Those blue eyes were like looking straight into heaven, everything else just melted away. I found out after he passed away that he was planning to put me in art school. I took art in high school and loved to draw after he left I just couldn’t do it anymore. I’ve tried a few times but the magick just isn’t there for me with drawing anymore.

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Awww :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: me and my soulmate were together in a few past lives too!!! :joy:
I’ll always care and love him, and at times it’s hard for me to fully move on especially when it comes to him dying, but I’m learning and life goes on. Learning to heal myself and become a better person for myself and others, and turn to my next chapter in my life.
Wish the best for you @Empress_Arianna :wink:

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Aww thank you :sparkling_heart::sparkling_heart::rose:

well the bible has very little actual knowledge of God in it…(ANY God)
it’s mostly about how hairy greedy men exploited and raped their way through the gullible and easily victimized masses…
Reading the bible from Genesis to Apocalypse it was probably the biggest contributor for me losing my faith and becoming an atheist for a while.
The book of Psalms still useful for certain practices tho.

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I know i’ve done all I can. I can’t say any more than I already did. I feel in ways he made choices for me. Underestimated me and kind of robbed me in terms of a chance with him. Things i truly believe that he wanted as well. And that well… really pisses me off and hurts. It seems like the just keeps going back and forth with me. Almost like he is trying to like me but can’t or what not. Like trying to acquire a taste for something and just cant do it. But he can initiate contact whenever he wishes. I try to and get ignored.

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He and I have been soulmates for many lives. The last couple I know that I hurt and jilted him. In our last lives before we (I really suspect he initiated the deal or whatnot) came back we did make a deal to lead separate lives. He came first and I really think I followed him and am here by choice. I kind of think he resents me in a way but does not know why. Hence his confusion and mistrust. His nasty wife does not help matters either. She is someone he truly hates. I am not however being given a chance to in someways “apologize” and mend what I did. I know that sounds really weird but I guess you would have to know and see the both of us to understand. Because im sure he really would consider me literally nuts.

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really hate that when one put more than 100% effort with true heart, they are blinded and just ignore you. They know deep down they hurt you yet they still play games and lies to themselves just to avoid guilt of wrong behavior treatment It don’t help that 3rd party brainwash them and they can’t see clearly cuz they have issues due to certain circumstance of brain surgery. They can’t even see that you help them change their life from healing recovery contribution otherwise she might not even be alive. life and death situation really makes on can’t think straight. They just latch to whomever is around even if they aren’t good for them.

we just gonna have to repeat many lives til some kind of lesson is learned from both.

Do not be so tethered to the conditioning that you do. What’s done is done, it’s irreversible and what’s said cannot be unchanged; what can be changed is your attitude towards it.

If you want that “light” that you feel within your grayscale, you must offer yourself the best quality of life and self-care.

I understand that these things aren’t walkthroughs but rather predicaments… but take all that God shit out and look out for yourself and maybe one day you’ll be the darkest and lightest version of yourself that you were truly meant for… the grey stays around, but humans always tend to lean from left or right. :slight_smile:

He married someone else. I stepped away and kept to myself. Never ever did I make a move on him in any way. Never made a move on someone elses man regardless of how badly I wanted to be with him. The day he married her I cried harder than I ever had in my entire life by that point (I was 16 then. Three years in love with him by that time. He brought me to painful tears once again recently but that’s another story). Even when I had a few chances I was given, I never asked anything from him. Never told him anything regarding my own feelings until just this year. I really wanna hate him. I really really do. I can’t.

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I know I can’t take anything back. And I would never want to. I meant every single word i said to him.

Im going to go down this path for a bit. If “HE” meaning “GOD” wants to change my mind he knows where to find me.

Ive never hurt anyone in my life. Ive never been in a fight in over 30 years. I’ve never even slapped man in the face. Never been in trouble with the law or anything. My children are grown, happy and healthy and have been well taken care of. I do not in any way deserve the slap in the face I feel I have been given by “GOD”. I am very bitter and angry. Ive spoken to an Angel very directly in a dream once. He knows where to find me. Im not chasing someone who seems just to kick me back down when I walk up to them. Im not going to be different myself. I’m still me. That won’t change in that regard. My darker persona is strictly in terms of spirituality. Not how i treat my fellow man. I just have much darker friends right now.

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Don’t fall into victim mentality, ultimately it leads to self defeatism because world is at stake with lack of power and esteem.

Just settle down and take it slowly, you’d be honestly surprised how many people have gone down this “path” because of what you’re going through or something alike.

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I’m really not playing victim. I just feel like im not really “wanted” by the lighter side of things and that is fine with me. It’s like with anything or anyone else in life. You don’t want me around. I’ll find someone who does. And I did. King Paimon helped me immediately. With what really was a simple request. The truth of something that had been bugging me for a long while. I found out and im good with it. I’m pissed at what it was but again we all survived. No one died or got arrested as a result. Not sure why big guy up there had a problem answering my prayers.

Its just boils down to flick me off… i’ll give it right back to you. I just don’t care at this point. It’s like “god” and the man I was referring to. I’m tired of trying to get them to like me. I’m over it.