Hot take: I couldn’t fit the whole 14+ page journal on here so I’ve only selected a couple of entries to include for the first post. The whole thing can be found on my magick wordpress blog “locketwashere” but I think it’s against the rules to link stuff so just uhhh ignore that bit. First things fist though I will link the intro.
The following book you’re about to read is my diary. It is my magickal diary from 3/28/19 to //.//.//. I use an american dating system which goes by month,day,year. It tackles my start as an occultist and my final progression until now. It is not the most flattering book in many regards especially in it’s portrayal of my learning process. It is also a long one. At the start I did a few many things wrong. If you have never practiced the occult than by all means read ahead however you may find you need some sort of dictionary on hand. You may also find yourself lost at a few points do to the subject matter I don’t bother to explain. I talk about a lot of knowledge and things of the sort that may surprise reader who is not in the know. It’s best read by someone intermediate or beginning their adventure who is willing to do their own research in conjunction with what they’ll be reading.
Also while this journal is educational in a few regards I did do many things wrong in the beginning. Not all of these are clarified in the text so keep that in mind should you wish to replicate any of my experiments. In the beginning I was a novice. At the end of the day this is not a grimoire. I have professionally written grimoires I’m working on if you want that sort of thing. It’s important for me to stress that I am not the magician I was at the beginning of the book. I know now what I didn’t then and I’ve grown in more ways that have been shown on the pages.
This is my personal journal with magick inclined to it. Thus you can expect to read about a lot of my personal issues and politics, wants, desires, dreams, career, music, status, family, friends and the like as well as my magickal experiments. Magick is just kind of the glue that holds this thing together. It contains a bit of vulgarity that while cleansed in the revised version. That being said this is the original version. In it’s original form it has not been censored. If you would like that I suggest you seek out the revised edition. It’s omits everything from my lgbt identiy to certain delusions. If you want a clean ass book that won’t offend the most vanilla reader go read that one.
My take on magick and I feel the need to say this, is known as “The Left Handed Path” I am first and foremost an occultist. There are some magicians who are Wiccan, Priests, some who are from other cultures or religions but I work with demons and in the dark. If that upsets you I wouldn’t recommend this book however I do clarify why I work with what I do several times, misconceptions others have, and why I work with it within the text. I ask you read such a journal no matter your walk of life as someone with an open mind. Also it’s important to note that not all of the operations tend to these things.
I go into elaborate detail about time in retrospect to magick, the Crossroads Ritual at a point and it has no correlation to demonic magick as frequent in this book. I draul on and on about my experiences with Gods and parasites at several points and they are far from demonic in nature. I make mistakes regarding quite a few religions at a point. In total it is a rather thick book with a total of (##to be determined##) entries. I want to iterate while some names and quotes are changed or paraphrased to protect my identity which I later reveal anyways, I have not gone back to rewrite or censor anything in this version. Everything you will read is it’s first draft as I wrote it at the time, as I experienced the events. It is a journal.
Everything is very personal. In many regards as you will find I didn’t expect this book to see the light of day. I do however expect this book to last a great deal of time do to my own personal measures that I have ensured. Thus I explain a lot of things about the time period I find myself in, as well as things unique to my culture as an American that affect my operations and expectations. I am in many regards an unreliable narrator and I want you to keep that in mind when you read my exploits. This book is best dealt with notes on hand and reading into things I the writer did not as I was writing it.
Overall I hope this book serves you the reader well. It served me well for a good deal of time. I have other journals that may never see the light of day and I doubt anyone would be curious to such a regard. However regardless Alon Z.
Journal 6: “The greats weren’t great because they could paint, the greats were great cus they paint a lot” - Macklemore
An american dad episode came on tv recently. The guy in the episode made a joke telling Stan Smith the main character that he was “going to turn you into a clown” and then he said to Stan Smith the character “you’re the worlds most perfect fool”. It should be noted demons and entities have referred to me as “perfect” quite a bit. I’ts purely symbolic for the record but I will cover the symbols of “king” and “fool” later. In my story explorations which is a topic for another day I was speaking to a higher entity and he asked if I understood what he was saying upon my answer he replied “but you’re perfect aren’t you?”. When I first spoke to Occeair because as a reminder I totally founded a religion called Genwa sometime ago before returning to the left handed path. Fun fact Bael said upon this discovery “you really think you could leave the left handed path?” and my response was “bold of you to assume I could” then I promptly returned not a week later. But back to the point one of the first things he said to me was “Acrians I want you to know you’re perfect”. I think this was a sign rather than me reading to much into shit again because for the record I do that alot, is because Belzebub and I were once writing a song together and one of the lines word for word was “don’t be a fool, be kind”.
I realize I come across this way. I trust the entities I work with. I try to see the goetic entities as my equals rather than my servants. Hell, I refer to them as “goetic” entities when the attribution of goetia is a common misconception. They aren’t “goetic” entities. Not technically. They are entities within the lesser keys of solomon and the only “goat” in this scenario is the magician himself. Yet I still insist upon calling them this because it gets across who I’m addressing and what I’m working with to the average occultist fairly easily even if a technical misdirection.
As I was writing this I heard a car engine roar. I should probably mention I’m renting a home in suburbia. The engine spoke (obviously belzebub) saying “you are not a fool”. Which is something he’s advised me on before. This leads me to believe I missed the point of the sign entirely or it was a universe synchrony which is another topic for another day. I found myself stumbling upon the Conjure Codex on accident as of late. I was on one of my favorite occult recourses a blog called “The skeptical occultist”. It’s a person who reviews various grimoires. However upon seeing the website he linked to did not describe this work and it was in an English currency I avoided it. However upon getting into some discourse with tumblr user “This-isn’t-magick” about their obvious lack or experience and mischaracterization of the Goetia (which they later admitted) the book was linked again. Leading me to believe I should buy it since it peaked my interest this time.
Another thing is that I had the idea to listen to the song “Jar of Hearts” recently but kept talking myself out of it and it came on the radio per supposed chance. Another thing is that I found a red lighter on the floor in my home. No doubt my sister’s boyfriend’s brother Victor’s and took it for ritual later. I normally use 3 matches however it’s always good to have a backup. Then I was browsing “Hi I’m Case”’s old music and the album had a red lighter near identical on it. It’s kind of funny. Hi I’m Case introduced me to the idea of synchronicities on their livestream. Then I finally decided to read my book “Space/Time Magic” by Taylor Ellwood that I had purchased near millenia ago. Upon finally reading it, it mentioned this idea three fold and now the idea can’t un-escape me. Also side note: while writing this entry I kind of hate the needless complexity of English (you know the original language this writing is in).
I want to make it clear that I don’t actually know what I’m doing. If it wasn’t obvious to you upon initial reading. This journal is about my ascent into magick. My journal of madness. My trials upon magickal discovery. This is not a grimoire. It is a diary. There is a huge difference. This means at the start of these entries their will be misinformation. I’m still trying to see what works and what doesn’t and I am very much a new student of the craft. The purpose of this journal in a lot of ways is to show how much I will grow as a magician. It’s to show where I started off and it’s a comparison for where I will eventually be. “The greats weren’t great because they could paint, the greats were great cus they paint a lot” - Macklemore. One thing I have learned as the amatuer magician I am, is that nobody likes you to see them as a novice. Thus most people hide any evidence they once were. But even Crowley (regardless of what you think of the man) wasn’t born into this life just knowing shit. Most people never fuking get that. I am not special. Nobody is.
Everybody starts somewhere. This journal isn’t so meant so much to teach you the reader anything. It’s just my log that hopefully will never grace the public’s eyes that is meant to showcase to me, myself, and I where I started. It will hopefully be passed down through the generations of my family as a log or rather tutorial to them of where to go and where to look. I know I do things wrong. I know I read to much into shit. I know I’m mildly crazy and a bit deluded in places still even to this day. I know all of that. I am hyper aware of all my faults and that is part of the territory.
Speaking of my family, I have a strong desire in this life to make sure my bloodline continues. There’s several issues with this. One I am a transgender man. That’s right. I am a hot blooded male (I live my life as a male, I exist as male, I present as male, and my family treats me as male) but I was born female. Laugh it up I don’t care. Pregnancy terrifies me, because of my issues with my own body I will never get pregnant and even seeing a pregnant woman alone disturbs me. So that’s out of the question.
Two, I am adopted. I was born to a catholic red head and adopted after a donation to the cherokee nation (I’m white for the record) to the [redacted last name] family. A conservative Jewish family. A family that was cursed and likely has a hidden past involving magick nobody has the confidence or stamina to tell me about or adress. My mother (my ADOPTED) mother won’t allow me to seek out my birth family. I was a one night stand and the father who was 18 upon my 25 year old mothers first time skipped town upon the discovery. So when I say my birth family I really mean my birth mother. I am not to seek her out because my adopted mother does not think I can handle it.
I have abandonment issues and am terrified of rejection. As verbally abusive as she is my adopted mother does care about me and is worried that the supposed rejection of my birth mother will cripple me. I am transgender and she was an irish christian. How well do you think she would handle that? Knowing her one night passion mistake resulted in a schizoeffective transgender black magician? Not that we would tell her that last bit though. I desperately want to meet her. But it was a closed adoption and the process in my state of Georgia is needlessly complicated so who knows. Perhaps if my father hadn’t killed himself we wouldn’t be here. But here we are never the less.
Point of the matter is, I desperately want to have a child. But in the 20th century which this book is written in that sort of surgery where a transgender male can you know….reproduce…it’s simply not available. So I have two choices, live my life as my transgender self and get the proper surgeries I’ve desired for ages or have a child. And we all know which one I am going with. Speaking of my gender transition, I’ve been desperately trying to go on HRT. So let me explain a few things.
Transgender is when someone is born one sex but identifies as another. So if you were male you identify as female. If you are female you identify as male. There’s also the topic of non binary people who identify as a mix of male and female or neither male and female but we’re not bringing them into this explanation. So as a transgender man I want to get surgery to make my female anatomy at least aesthetically male. Being transgender has nothing to do with my sexual orientation or what gender I am attracted to. I live my life as a male. My peers treat me as male. My family treats me as male (most of them anyways), and in a job environment I would hopefully be treated as male as well. Society sees me as the gender I identify with. Some transgender people want the surgery I do, some do not.
Everyone I know calls me “he” and my name. I have short hair which is what is worn by males in my society at this age. I wear male attire and for all societal purposes look male thus I am considered male. Many people in my culture consider (at this time) what I just told you elementary and probably consider this a needless explanation. However as we have discussed I want this journal to be passed down in my family for generations and I have no guarantee that this book will not one day make it overseas to another culture or that what I have told you will always be so explicitly understood hence the needless explanation. I know it’s annoying. I’m sorry.
So one thing transgender people like me do is take the hormones of the sex we identify as. So if you are a transwoman (someone who identifies as female but was born male) you would take female hormones. If you are a transman like myself (someone born female but who lives and identifies as male) you would take male hormones or in my case injections of testosterone. This changes your body to look male, to the degree that after some time nobody will be able to tell that you were once considered female at all. I want to be clear here, I am not transitioning my gender for “privilege” or “status” or “power” within my society. America is patriarchal and males generally have more social power in all regards. Especially white males such as myself. I am not doing this for that reason. I am doing this because it’s just who I am and I am trying to be as true to myself as I can be and that to me means being who I am, which is also what I am, which is male.
So on the topic of my gender “transition” as we Americans call it, I am in the process of trying to get these hormones or as it’s often called HRT. However I had an entity the other day pop into the shower saying “you’re really not going to like what I’m going to do tomorrow” I expected some grievance or tragedy however my appointment for these life saving and altering hormones were pushed back. I remember being outside talking to myself about my gender because that is a thing that I like to do, and I heard an entities voice claim “don’t go on hormones”. I want to be very clear here.
Demons do not give a flying fuck about your sexual orientation, your politics, or your gender. All the demons I have encountered have respected my gender and for all extensive purposes seen me as male. I have even had entities help masculinize me further. I’m rather flamboyant and he told me by the time we were done I’d be a “jock” which is slang for a super masculine fellow who likes sports and is generally perceived as manly. It’s the masculine ideal within my culture.
I’ve also had several issues getting on the medicine and scheduling the appointment alone. I have no idea why. I had a thought that an entity was keeping me from it and given how inconvenced I am on the matter it makes a rather amount of sense. However I’m going to keep persisting anyways. I get mistaken as female by people who don’t know me far to often, and despite being a musician I am very insecure about my voice so that I need this medicine.
Besides I told Beelzebub that I would only work with him for the time being. While I haven’t called anything off with these other entities my focus is to remain on him in the present. If further action is required I’m sure he will tell me. Also while we’re on the topic. I plan to completely alter my physical form. I am not attractive. I am fat. In all definitions of the word. In America this is seen as disgusting and undesirable. The ideal in America is chiseled features, strong bone structures, thin and petite for women and strong and muscularly built for men. I am neither of these things.
I am fat, with a face full of acne well into my twenties. I look revolting and am by far one of the most hideous people I know. My body is a potato. The only thing I like about myself is my hair. I know I am attractive. At Least kind of when I was thin I was often hit on and seen as desirable. At Least in my mind. I think I found myself far more attractive. So as someone who is 210 pounds and chubby beyond comprehension with crooked teeth perky lips and terrible acne, I’ve decided to do some shapeshifting. I know it is possible. People will tell you that you simply cannot use magick to change your form. Those people are liars or misguided but regardless rather wrong. Magick especially solomon or “goetic” magick does change your face. You cannot change your eye color, or anything dramatic like growing three arms. But with time, and patience within several years you’ll look like what you want. Or better at all. Magick can change your face. It takes time but it is possible. But conscious effort can be made. Hell the demon Orias can make men into anything or any shape and I don’t take that description lighty. It’s possible. It’s not for newbies and it is work but possible. This on top of the fact that this medicine will naturally change my face dramatically anyways will give me my desired results.
So here is my starting point. I know I am not easy on the eyes. I don’t need to be lectured on this.
I know complete and total garbage. These were screenshots from an old video I did some time ago but I look the same say for a shorter more red haircut. Hopefully I will be able to post these results later.
So yes I’m going to start at that point. I want to be very clear. I am doing my best not to rely on entities for everything nor blame them for things always going wrong. I have a habit of both. If I want to learn to shapeshift I will learn to shapeshift and if I bring an entity in later I will do so but I should still know what it entails myself. If I want to learn to manifest wealth I will learn to manifest wealth. I can’t just sit around on my ass expecting entities to do everything and hand me everything. If I want to be a magician I have to learn to do MAGICK.
So far I’ve only done sprit work. And while learning the exercises and shit is good for me. It doesn’t teach me shit. Right now all I know is “Pacts, how time works, Solomons work and everything that it entails, sigils, divination, reading between the lines, syncretism, proper evocation, several stray concepts I do not know how to categorize” that’s so fuking limited. Sure I’ve done proper spells in the past, and sure I have met gods in the flesh and sure I can evoke a demon to my face within incense, but those things are not enough for me. I am a child. I do not know anything. I know about ascent but how the hell do I get their beyond the meer concept of burning anew?
This is such my fuking problem. I’m naive. I don’t know what I’m doing. I know enough not to get myself killed and I literally just heard an entity say “you do” on the topic of not knowing but I doubt myself so much journal. It’s frustrating. I just want more and more and more and have no idea about what work requires me getting there.
I have visions of the future. Okay that’s cool. How do we adapt this into something I can use and manipulate? I can read between the lines easily. Okay cool how do we find shit that does this beyond songs? I know how to enter a story and change it but what purpose does such a thing serve? That last one is something rather complicated that I don’t think I should reveal here not just for fear of insanity (I am insane I don’t care about that bit) but because I don’t want anyone else doing that shit. I’m selfish.
I know I am going to be worshiped one day, I know I will ascend. I know there are plans for me. But how the fuking hell do I work to get to that point. What if it’s all in my head? I know it’s not but other people don’t fuking know that. It irritates me so much. I know my future. I know way more about this world than I let on, and I know so fuking much but it just isn’t enough for me…
Will it ever be?
I don’t know. I know alot and I know nothing at the same time. I’m just frustrated. I need to learn.
On the topic of learning an entity I work with wants me to study math and science my two worst subjects. I suck at both equally. Well okay physics I can at least wrap my head around but how does one do basic multiplication? I’m kidding but I do struggle there. Anyways that’s been todays journal I’ve worked myself into a fuss yet again.
It’s funny this book is so much more “Acrians rants about his problems” rather than “heres Acrian’s magick problems and his progress” hence i guess why I consider it a journal. Goodnight I’m angry.