I’m back.
I got depressed and stopped doing everything. I felt like what the fuck is the point, is any of this real, etc.
You know. Depression stuff.
Anyway, I’m going to an energy healing place tomorrow. It’s a holistic/spiritual health spa with saunas and meditation rooms and shamans, so I’m gonna go ease myself back into everything.
I’m still in a state of ‘meh’, but I’m working on it.
Hope everyone is well.
Hey welcome back! I wondered where you were! I’m glad to see you back 
I’ve been there a few times. It’s super rough. I’m always here if you need to talk 
That’s very smart. Going in easy so you don’t overwhelm yourself is key imo.
That’s good to hear that you’re a bit better. Like I said im here if you want to talk❤
I’m doing okay. Bits of bad news here and there but I’ll spare you the details so as to avoid adding any stress or pressure❤
Well, it’s been a long time.
I needed to take a step back and take an honest look at myself.
My journey with Demonolatry was impulsive, self destructive, and poorly thought out. Having emotional imbalances and delving so deep into unprotected magick really opened me up to energy that I wasn’t ready for. I was not experienced enough to handle it with maturity or or rationality.
I really wanted to share all of my experiences, though a lot of it would have been best kept private, between me and the Demons.
I began to feel a lot of shame and embarrassment, and childishly felt my pantheon were all mad at me and that I burned all my bridges by being foolish. Groveling and self pity are not conducive towards the empowerment of the self.
I’m sure that the energies I tapped into were well aware of my instability. It’s not as if I was simply being an asshole. I was lost and delusional, and I didn’t put in the necessary work because I was deep in the throws of mental illness.
I’ve done a lot of work. My partner and I saved up enough to move across the country in a nice apartment. I unpacked The Complete Book of Demonolatry by S. Connely and thought… Did I ever really study this thing?
No. I really just picked what sounded good, avoided the work that required study and patience, and flung myself into the dark abyss.
Well, I am making a focused effort here to study from the beginning. I am treating myself as an absolute beginner, taking it slow, and proving to myself that I am a changed person. I have grown.
I won’t be a victim. I won’t be a slave to old feelings of shame. This is my journey and taking a major step back was necessary so that I could return. Blank slate.
Happy Beltane/Walpurgisnacht/etc.
Running around my house skyclad. We’ve been listening to music and meditating. I’ve got lots of candles and incense burning. I just did a cleanse of the house.
This is our first holiday on our own! It’s a beautiful day.
It is another day. So far, I have followed through with what I promised myself, which is that I would dedicate the majority of my free time to the study of all that I previously neglected.
I was at a pretty rough establishment for my last two years of employment. One might call it a hostile work environment, and I would go home and cry almost every night when I first began working there. Through time I learned how to stop taking other people’s reactions to heart and focused on taking accountability when due.
I learned how to better speak up for myself. Because of childhood trauma, confrontation made me shake and tear up. I would hurt myself to gain the praise of others, to be favorable and agreeable. My sole purpose in life was to be of use to others. I neglected myself.
I have become more selfish and self-assured. I am more confident.
I still have a lot of work to do, so I wouldn’t say that I am a complete success story, but the strides I’ve made have become very apparent over these last few days as I study the occult with a fresh perspective.
I agree with certain points of view that I otherwise would have shunned. I was very good at grovelling and placing others above myself, and this showed in my practice when it came to communicating with spirits/deities/demons/what have you.
I think, if I remember correctly, I considered myself a passionate demonolater. I’m reading through The Complete Book of Demonolatry, and while I value this book as a resource, especially as I now ease myself back into practice (having simply forgot a lot of what I learned previously), I find myself questioning whether demonolatry is the path that suits who I am today.
I’m going back and forth between that, The Kybalion, and Demons of Magick by Gordon Winterfield. It’s easier for me to take breaks on one thing and switch my attention to another to avoid losing focus.
I’m establishing a routine for myself which involves:
Taking coconut oil in the morning, before coffee, to feed the brain. I read this somewhere in Lady Eva’s replies, and it certainly can’t hurt to include in my diet. I may end up buying a supplement when I find employment where I currently live.
Once a week I will do an elemental cleansing ritual, followed by the middle pillar ritual. I tend to exhaust easily due to depression, and these are pretty basic and well known rituals, so taking a certain day out of the week to perform them will be good for my practice. I think it helps to make magick a routine rather than something you do on a whim whenever you feel up to it, at least for someone like me who can so easily fall out of routine and let life have it’s way with me.
I will meditate once a day, before I go to bed.
I will start running again. I was falling back into old eating disordered habits due to getting married, so as soon as the day was done and I no longer had to be the immaculate bride, I stopped going to the gym and haven’t been great about what I put into my body. Since I have nothing I need to look good for at the moment (aside from myself), I feel like I can get back to work in strengthening my body and improving my endurance. I love running!
The wedding and the big move across the country really threw my routine out of whack. I was eating healthy and exercising every day! I’m ready to get back to that. I have had enough of lounging about the house eating fruit roll ups and playing elder scrolls online. I can’t expect to mold myself into a powerful sorceress who demands respect if I don’t engage in the behaviors that reflect a person of that caliber.
I won’t hold myself back any longer.
I am almost certain that I got this job making $20/hour. I layed on the charm, and the interview went very well. I’ll be very shocked if I don’t get a call back. I feel great!
I woke up and put unrefined, cold pressed coconut oil in my coffee with a little bit of honey. The next two cups I just drank black.
Then I went on a run, got ready, and went to the interview. For lunch I had a poke bowl with salmon, tuna, and shrimp. We went grocery shopping and now I’m home.
I just gave my dog a bath so she hates me lol
I’m going to study and read for the rest of the night. I’d say today was a success!
Forgot to mention I got the book Magickal Protection by Damon Brand. It should be here in two days.
Hey I have that one! It’s been very well reviewed and recommended by Jane experienced mages so I think it’s a great purchase 
This stuck out to me as a place where I could give important feedback so i wanted to say it here, there’s a concept I’ve come across of the preparation of a vessel. In the occult the energies we work with are powerful and potent so they will actually leak out of any 'cracks" in our psyche/spiritual body and amplify our weaknesses and flaws.
To me almost feels like the last 2 years of work. Were your foundational work to be able to handle the occult path. You have refined and repaired a large amount of your cracks and are becoming a vessel that will be able to handle The powerful energies. Of the things that I have begun to believe over the past 2 years is that there is no such thing as wasted time if you are making effort to improve, it seems that this can apply here as well
Finished my coconut oil coffee and had ground turkey breast with two eggs for breakfast.
I got a call back from the job and I got it! Woohoo!
It seems like when I am following through with my spiritual path, everything in life starts to align and work out in my favor, even if I’m not doing any specific rituals to get the results I want. It’s almost like just putting my mind back out there into the spiritual world brings about a positive shift in my direction.
Like the anticipation and intent of spiritual work brings about the changes I intend to see manifest before I even follow through with the work. It’s hard to explain.
Anyway, I plan on studying and meditating a bunch. My book gets here tomorrow.
Now that I have the job, I can work on building my altars back up. I need a few tables, some cloth, some tools and herbs and all those things I could only dream about buying when I first started along this path in 2019.
A jobless, hopeless, pathetic person I was! I don’t say that with any hate or regret towards myself. I just feel as if I have no connection with that person. I think that they died, and I killed them! I cringe when I get likes on posts that don’t reflect who I am today.
I do love to look back on it and see how far I have grown.
Dreams:
Lots of people in my family were causing me emotional havoc and disrespecting my boundaries, but I forgave them every time out of fear of them getting mad at me. They all kept tricking me into thinking I was in some kind of danger, and watching me flip out, then laughing when I discovered their tricks.
This guy… we were in a very cold climate, he was some kind of boss overlord. I disguised myself and pretended I wasn’t the person he was coming after. He looked at me weird and said, “Those are my eyes.” I said, no they aren’t. (But they were eyes he implanted into me? Some kind of device? I don’t know. Like I wasn’t fully human anymore.) I walked up to him and hugged him and felt a love that one would feel for a father and a lover at the same time, though before, he was hunting me.
Strange.
Hey let’s fucking go!!!
I feel similarly to my old self, I will always be grateful for that past though, it not only showed me pain, it showed me how awful it is to be that person. I’ll never go back there but i wouldn’t change it for anything
Yep, you can’t forget who you were before. You become complacent and it can all spiral downhill again!
It is a cool day outside, so I have the patio to the balcony cracked open to let the fresh air inside. I’m sitting on the couch having my coffee with coconut oil and honey. I almost said morning coffee, but it’s 1:30. I slept until 12:30. I’ve been very tired lately.
I am looking above my fireplace where I have King Paimon’s altar. I made an altar back in 2019 when I was new to working with demons. I took off the top shelf and brought it with me.
He is the first and currently the only demon who I feel we have an open line of communication without ritual or meditation. He was and is my guide throughout my path, and I feel our energies are linked in a very permanent way.
There is a reverence among friends and a mutual respect. I have grown a lot, because in the past it was a bunch of worship and grovelling. He broke communication with me for a very long time, which I believe is because of my behavior. I did not respect myself enough.
It occured to me, yesterday, that I needed to start doing Qi Gong, so I did a 15 minute practice. It wasn’t perfect because I don’t have any previous Qi Gong experience, but the movements make sense to me and I enjoy it.
I have had Ahriman in my mind for a few days. Sometimes I think I can feel his energy. I won’t rush into any working, but I do feel a pull. I am not going to get ahead of myself. It takes practice to resist my impulsive nature!
I feel a pull to the desert, the black sun, fire, scorpions, the color gold…
I just got a seven day trial for this gym close to the house. We are going to go there today, then to the store to pick up a few things. I’m going to go thrift some black clothes for my new job.
I plan on doing Qi Gong when I get home, studying, meditation, and then as a reward and for bonding time with my husband, we will play Resident Evil 5.
Hope everyone is doing well.
Edit because I forgot to add – for the last year I have had a hard time with intrusive thoughts. I’ll watch a scary movie, the scary monster will pop into my head (or scary concept) and will mock me in my mind. I’ll be convinced that if I think of it, it will come true, and it would be most prevalent at night and I would run to my bed like a child after using the bathroom!
I remembered this whiteboard technique and have been using it to erase these intrusive thoughts. I think, I am not afraid of you, and imagine wiping the whiteboard of the thought clean. I do it over and over, as many times as it takes to rid my mind of it.
I feel like I’ve taken back control of my mind using this technique. I use it for all thoughts that I don’t want.
I’ve become super absorbed in learning about psychic vampirism today! I’ve been pondering my energy issues, how I’ll fluctuate from being hyper to having no energy, and how hard it is for me to get up in the morning.
I have always attributed it to depression and ADHD, but upon further study on the subject of psychic vampirism, I can’t help but wonder if I have been an ignorant vampire this entire time.
I am very sensitive to the energy of others. I can almost instantly sense if they are someone I want to be around or not. Even if they don’t do or say anything that would cause me to leave them be, I just get this sense that they should be avoided, and oftentimes talking for a few minutes can wipe my energy. Could I be feeding on shitty energy without realizing it?
I’m going to do more research and practice when I leave the house today. I am especially interested because I will get more practice in using my astral senses. I am trying to find techniques that I also enjoy, so Qi gong, psychic vampirism, and tarot will be my focus at the moment.
As well as meditation of course. That should go without saying.
I also feel that psychic vampirism will help me ease into my new confident self. I have had a lifelong battle with social anxiety and insecurity, and the rush of power described by others and the almost predatory feeling of feeding and the sensation of control really appeals to me.
I’m normally of the opinion that if you are drawn to something, there is probably a reason for it.
On another note, I’ve been working on memorizing the rituals in DoM by Gordon Winterfield. I’m going to crack open Damon Brand’s Magickal Protection book as well. Those will be especially good to memorize, just in case I find myself in a predicament with no way to look up a solution.
All in all, I feel inspired and passionate. Life is good.
I had the coconut oil and honey coffee today and only needed one cup. Normally I have two additional cups, black, but have been trying to cut back on caffeine.
Gym, grocery store, then studies.
Have a great day everyone
Upon further reading, I don’t really know what to make of psychic vampirism! I feel like I am better off just practicing energy work instead, since that’s really my main goal, as well as developing my astral senses and clairs.
Everything I tried to read so far has just struck me as larping, or if not larping, a romanticized version of magick that doesn’t seem to have that much value or power to offer.
I can understand why people feel drawn to something with a flair for the dramatic to help visualize better or set the mood for their practice, but that can be a slippery slope into delusion.
I’ve always been super into vampires. I love Dracula and Anne Rice, I’m your typical goth chick who is a vampire every year for Halloween… But that’s Halloween. It doesn’t need to be a part of a practice I take so seriously if, from what I’ve concluded so far, doesn’t have a lot to offer.
There are a few books that I may look into on the subject, but so far, I’ve just been turned off of the practice. Not from any moralistic point of view – it just doesn’t seem worth the effort right now. Especially when you could probably just do some Qi gong and get better results.
I’m waiting to read something substantial, but the counter arguments have made more sense to me than anyone explaining it or offering rituals and practices on the subject.
My dreams have gotten considerably more strange and vivid.
Maybe it’s due to childhood trauma, but I tend to have very violent nightmares. Body parts getting hacked off, getting chased by people trying to kill me, etc.
Dream 1: a group of angry parasites barged into my room and began attacking me. I was trying to remember how to fend them off and destroy them. I think I was going to push a massive beam of golden light at them before it changed to another dream.
Dream 2: I was sitting in a circle. It looked like a big red pentagram on a black floor. The floor was tile with some water everywhere, like some kind of temple. It was dark and everything was black. The ground trembled and Satan came in the form of this picture that materialized on the ground. I stood up and said, with excitement, “Speak.”
Then I went to another room where there was music playing and we were doing what seemed like a version of the LBRP to call forth Set.
Dream 3: it’s long and confusing, but I got to this gas station that became an embodiment of my fears and of death. Possessed men came inside to try and kill me. I had a vision of an angel, which was an eyeball surrounded by feathers and surrounded by light, and it was explaining to someone that it was here to show me some kind of lesson (can’t completely remember).
I ended up having to kill this guy, and smoke filled the room. A large man wearing a butcher apron came in declaring he was the angel of wrath. I was faced with my death and I was crying because I wanted to tell my husband how much I loved him. I woke up crying.
All my dreams have been really intense like this lately.
Today I’m going to the gym. I’m going to try out the sauna which is one of my favorite things to do. Then Qi Gong, general house chores, and studies. Then night time meditation.
Have a great day everyone
Lots of shopping and doing things today. Some of it stressful and had a bit of a cry, but heard a voice say “Pull yourself together.” So I did, and carried on.
Came home and did the Sword Banishing and Master Protection rituals from Magickal Protection by Damon Brand.
Then I did some Qi gong which made me feel like I was BUZZING! WOW! and then a black hole meditation.
I plan on doing these things every day.
I woke up, made breakfast, did some cleaning, and then followed through with the Sword Banishing and Master Protection ritual. I used my tibetan singing bowl and tapped the edge of it three times before and after – I read somewhere that the vibration and loud ‘bell’ sounds are good at clearing energy, and it also puts me in a good headspace.
I’m going to do some qi gong and a short meditation once my husband wakes up from his nap so he doesn’t wake up and accidentally disturb me.
I made chicken in red curry topped with spicy chili crisp and coconut jasmine rice.
It was a good day… it was more shopping for work clothes and some groceries. Not nearly as stressful as yesterday. We did some walking around a shopping plaza that we haven’t been to yet, and the weather was beautiful! We are really happy with the dry air and the mountain view of our city. It’s so much different from where we were living before, and so far away. It’s amazing to bask in the glory of years of hard work!
I felt serene and bursting with vitamin d.
I’m still slowly getting through Demons of Magick. It’s a great read! I have an extremely vivid imagination, so some of the descriptions he gives is such a delight to the senses. I wonder if it would be good to incorporate some theatrics to further aid in this visualization?
It says for Bael that he is associated with bark, soil, blood, and a bitter taste. Sounds of thunder, etc. Could I, then, play some thunder on TV, or have some actual tree bark with me to snap in half and smell, then maybe sip on water mixed with bitters to get a full sensory experience? Or would that muddle up the ritual too much and be counterproductive to the imaginary aspect? Too many steps, too many tools? Is it more important that I imagine these sensations in my head rather than have it physically laid out for me?
I know he says something about if a demon resides in an environment that is cloaked in red, that putting some red bulbs to create that red glow would make the demon feel welcome and they would make them want to come, because it resembles where they naturally occur. So maybe it wouldn’t be too much? I’m not sure. It could be a lot of work to incorporate that many aspects. It sounds like a rich experience, though.
Just some thoughts I’ve been having…
Anyway, hope everyone is well.
