THE POWER and the MADNESS in the mania... just BLEW my 24 inch guns out, BROTHER

Weird dreams, all work-centred like usual. I’m either doing something wrong at work, I show up without my work clothes on, or I’m exposed in some way – either I am naked, half clothed, or people keep walking into the bathroom when I’m trying to pee.

My boss and I were peeing in the same bathroom and he asked me if I was okay, and if my mental state was any better.

I also couldn’t stack plates and I was getting pissed off because I knew I fucking could, but the plate kept calling out of my hand, like my fingers weren’t working properly. I think I discovered a new “this is a dream” clue – if my fingers don’t seem to work correctly. When I looked at them, they were defying bone structure and shit.

Kinda like how you can never really run correctly in a dream.

Then I was home. There was a storm that made the sky dark all day every day, so we paid to have a “fake sky” which perfectly plastered itself against the real sky and made it look bright.

We were all staying in bed together as a family.

Mulungu dreams, man. Mixed with the lucid dreaming elixir, they have gotten weirder, but more vivid, so I can remember more.

I gotta look into some books on lucid dreaming so that I can do more to get into that state.

I keep seeing multiples of the numbers 1, 3, and 5. So 11:11, 3:33, 5:55 (and in more ways than just the time on the clock).

My dreams have been featuring Satanism a lot, and as always, are filled with sex in some way, whether I am watching it, planning it, doing it, etc.

Work has been a pain in the fucking ass.

I’ve been getting frustrated and I am not putting a lot of focus into what I’m doing, nor am I putting much care into it. We are completely out of our best selling food item, which means I am making way less money. At least $100 dollars less, to be exact.

I’m thinking of getting a second job, at least temporarily to save up money. I can always quit, so I shouldn’t be afraid to take the leap. There is a gelato shop at the mall that is hiring, so I may do that.

I just need enough money to get started on my yoga certification process. Once I do that and start teaching, I can make a lot more money to buy the other classes I’d like to integrate into my career.

I’m done trying to find reasons why I am fed up with work. The fun part of learning something new and pushing past my fears is over, and all that is left is the BS one deals with in a restaurant setting.

It’s 100 degrees in the kitchen where I work, the customers are assholes, and most of the employees are draining and miserable. It’s hard to remain positive when the running joke everyone can relate to is wanting to kill themselves because they hate their job and want to go home.

I’m grateful to have a job, though. I am not going to become too distanced from how shitty I felt to be unemployed. I need to hold on tightly to that feeling because it helps me out when I am really truly fed up at work.

But this won’t be a “woe is me” journal entry. I’m glad I have a job. I’m working on remaining positive and carefree despite being completely surrounded by a draining energy and environment.

I am going to be realistic, though, and stop trying to somehow blame myself for feeling this exhausted. It’s normal. Most work environments are not healthy. It’s not my fault, and I’m doing my best.

My dreams are always work related, though, and I don’t completely relax into my days off because I’m stuck ruminating about it. I’m working on it. I’ll figure it out.

It’s a process.

Acknowledging all of these thoughts and feelings while working to change my outlook is the part that matters and shows growth. I used to blindly accept everything that went through my mind without trying to be better, so I have come a long way.

I need to do my laundry, organize the room, do a smudging and meditate. A cleansing bath as well.

I’ll be back later probably

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I don’t have too much to say other than I think you’re doing great.

I will say that everything can be a lesson if you let it so while I agree with your approach and think you should look elsewhere if possible I think It would be a good idea for you to examine what the job has taught you and what you might still be able to learn before leaving. That being said I do not have the full picture and you are the only person who can make that decision I am just giving you a possible different perspective

Well, I’m not going to leave the job. I was just voicing my frustrations and working through how I was feeling at the moment. There can always be new lessons taught in any situation.

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Had a wonderful slow-paced day of healing and reflection. I did a gentle rest day yoga routine after coffee, then did some cleansing of my surroundings and self.

A lot of relaxing. I lounged around in my robe and ate food I liked and listened to music that makes me feel connected to my spirituality.

Later on I sat outside and did a short yin yoga routine. I tried out the smoking herbal blend I bought and felt very pleasant and aware after smoking it. I relaxed into myself and followed a sacral chakra meditation.

Afterwards, I ate a sub in the bathtub while watching a video. Got out, did a face mask, and have been watching Deathnote with my boyfriend. It’s silly watching this show as an adult. The writing is kind of childish. We are enjoying it, though. It’s just a little silly.

I didn’t think about work today.

I understand that it doesn’t matter how many days a week or how many hours you work. If you have work preoccupying your mind every day, even when you aren’t at work, you are never truly leaving work. You aren’t giving yourself the distance and rest you need.

In order for me to avoid getting so stressed, I need to work on making sure that I don’t think about work unless I am there. As soon as I leave, I must redirect my focus. This is hard as someone with anxiety. I tend to ruminate. Meditation and yoga is helping, but it is a process. I’ll get there.

I better not give myself another job to worry about while I’m still working on making sure I don’t let work take up space in my mind. Once I can successfully leave work at work, then I will consider a second job. For now I just need to keep practicing.

I hope everyone is well. I’m going to bed.

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Did nothing productive. Cried at work.

Mothers day sucks.

I just drank lavender tea mixed with my dream elixir. I also knocked back some mulungu.

Decided I’m calling in sick tomorrow because I have no allegiance to this job or the people who work there. I don’t care that someone will have to cover for me. I don’t care if anyone gets mad at me. My mental health matters the most. I’m taking a day to sleep.

I’m going to stay in bed and sleep. Goodnight.

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My dog is in heat and she is acting a fool. Same, my child.

I called off work. My manager just said, “Okay, thanks for letting me know.” My anxiety is never relevant, because that was the easiest interaction of my entire life.

I had a long, hard sleep. I just ordered some kava tea and an ounce of Kratom from my local kava bar and it should be here in about a half hour. That should take care of my post mental breakdown migraine.

I hear thunder and see dark clouds looming overhead. I love rainy days.

I’m glad that I’m taking a mental health day. I’m grateful to have a job and have the money saved to buy things without having to stress. I live in a house where I am appreciated. My boyfriend nurtured me on my sensitive days and takes my emotions seriously. I am an all around healthy person, and I take steps to ensure that my mental health doesn’t suffer.

Everything always works out for me.

I won’t be doing much. Just laying in bed playing video gamea. I might watch a studio Ghibli movie.

I hope everyone is well :two_hearts:

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This is such a great use of awareness! You are seriously awesome and deserve the best. I hope one day to be as strong as you🤗

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You are as strong as me, friend. It just takes practice, that’s all. Thank you for the kind words as always.

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Well thank you. I’m definitely getting a lot of practice lately :rofl:

Np! I’m just saying what I think🤗

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You are doing great.

I’m glad we became friends 🤸

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Same here😌

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I slept great last night. I took a benedryl to make sure I wouldn’t wake in the middle of the night, but I did get my period at like 4:30 AM.

I’ve been wondering why my period is such a hit or miss. Sometimes I feel beautiful and powerful and connected with my sacred femininity and as a creator, and I honor my cycle and feel this deep powerful connection to the spirit world, then there are days like these where I have mental breakdowns at work and just want to sleep.

I wonder if it has to do with the fact that my period has fallen out of sync with the full moon and now occurs during the new moon.

I’m thinking of starting a journal where I keep track of my mood in accordance with the moon cycle. Perhaps I can find a pattern somewhere.

I took Kratom to deal with the horrible pain, because I stopped taking ibuprofen and other pain relievers a while ago. I do my best to take all natural alternatives.

I will take a cbd:thc gel capsule as well.

I’m in bed cursing the fact that I have to go to work, but at least I am going to be doing sauces which means I leave early. Thank Satan for that.

Well, that’s all. I hope everyone is well.

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Aren’t periods like a flood of hormones and pain? That might explain some of it. Another possibility is that you are fully connected with your inner divine feminine but your current energy body/ self can only keep that up for so long and then you crash down really far?

I think this is a good idea! At the very least you’ll probably be able to find a pattern of thought regarding your emotions and those are helpful to understand them better.

Nice! I’m glad things aren’t going to be as tough as they could be that’s great to hear!

I’m doing fairly well :thinking: still struggling with my insecurities and fears along with general unhappiness of my progress but overallI’m decent!

@dagar Jokes on you I thought this dude was a dude

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I mean yeah, it is hormones and pain, but I have a feeling that there is a reason why some months render me useless in terms of expressing my spirituality. If I can find a pattern in my emotions throughout an entire month cycle, I’m sure I could develop a routine that changes with my body rather than working against it.

I also feel like maybe the sacral chakra work I did the other day forced me to confront some feelings that I didn’t realize I had.

I’m glad you’re overall decent. Its a lifelong battle dealing with insecurity and unhappiness. Some days are easier than others. You will get through this, friend.

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Lmao my cover has been blown

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Lmao I am killing myself tonight, I can’t stomach this truth. One last pizza is all I ask :cry:

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This is so important I’ve found. We’re taught to “work through” things when it’s usually much more effective to work with them

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Thank you. Im doing my best and that’s all I can do🤗

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Today I woke up in horrible pain, which persisted for what felt like an eternity before I caved and took some Advil. I passed out with my dog curled up in my arms. Anyone with endometriosis knows what that was like.

I woke up again feeling okay. There has been a sense of peace and clarity. I did a fast paced but flowy yoga session and then mindfully ate a banana, a pear, and an avocado.

I also had an oatmilk and rose powder latte with my euphoria elixir, and then proceeded to order a daytime and nighttime kava online. It should be here in about a week and a half.

I think it’s important to have kava for my more anxious and depressed days. It’s a good alternative to taking psychiatric medication. I cant pretend that my anxiety is not a problem anymore. Of course I am taking all the measures on can take, but it doesn’t hurt to take something every now and again.

I will try to avoid being negative at work. I must resist the urge to conform to everyone else’s mood just to fit in. I don’t want to fit in if it means being miserable. I will be happy. I will not stress. I am only here for a paycheck, nothing more.

Today is good. I feel alright.

On Saturday my bf is taking me to Delray Beach. The ocean calls my name :ocean:

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