Weird dreams, all work-centred like usual. I’m either doing something wrong at work, I show up without my work clothes on, or I’m exposed in some way – either I am naked, half clothed, or people keep walking into the bathroom when I’m trying to pee.
My boss and I were peeing in the same bathroom and he asked me if I was okay, and if my mental state was any better.
I also couldn’t stack plates and I was getting pissed off because I knew I fucking could, but the plate kept calling out of my hand, like my fingers weren’t working properly. I think I discovered a new “this is a dream” clue – if my fingers don’t seem to work correctly. When I looked at them, they were defying bone structure and shit.
Kinda like how you can never really run correctly in a dream.
Then I was home. There was a storm that made the sky dark all day every day, so we paid to have a “fake sky” which perfectly plastered itself against the real sky and made it look bright.
We were all staying in bed together as a family.
Mulungu dreams, man. Mixed with the lucid dreaming elixir, they have gotten weirder, but more vivid, so I can remember more.
I gotta look into some books on lucid dreaming so that I can do more to get into that state.
I keep seeing multiples of the numbers 1, 3, and 5. So 11:11, 3:33, 5:55 (and in more ways than just the time on the clock).
My dreams have been featuring Satanism a lot, and as always, are filled with sex in some way, whether I am watching it, planning it, doing it, etc.
Work has been a pain in the fucking ass.
I’ve been getting frustrated and I am not putting a lot of focus into what I’m doing, nor am I putting much care into it. We are completely out of our best selling food item, which means I am making way less money. At least $100 dollars less, to be exact.
I’m thinking of getting a second job, at least temporarily to save up money. I can always quit, so I shouldn’t be afraid to take the leap. There is a gelato shop at the mall that is hiring, so I may do that.
I just need enough money to get started on my yoga certification process. Once I do that and start teaching, I can make a lot more money to buy the other classes I’d like to integrate into my career.
I’m done trying to find reasons why I am fed up with work. The fun part of learning something new and pushing past my fears is over, and all that is left is the BS one deals with in a restaurant setting.
It’s 100 degrees in the kitchen where I work, the customers are assholes, and most of the employees are draining and miserable. It’s hard to remain positive when the running joke everyone can relate to is wanting to kill themselves because they hate their job and want to go home.
I’m grateful to have a job, though. I am not going to become too distanced from how shitty I felt to be unemployed. I need to hold on tightly to that feeling because it helps me out when I am really truly fed up at work.
But this won’t be a “woe is me” journal entry. I’m glad I have a job. I’m working on remaining positive and carefree despite being completely surrounded by a draining energy and environment.
I am going to be realistic, though, and stop trying to somehow blame myself for feeling this exhausted. It’s normal. Most work environments are not healthy. It’s not my fault, and I’m doing my best.
My dreams are always work related, though, and I don’t completely relax into my days off because I’m stuck ruminating about it. I’m working on it. I’ll figure it out.
It’s a process.
Acknowledging all of these thoughts and feelings while working to change my outlook is the part that matters and shows growth. I used to blindly accept everything that went through my mind without trying to be better, so I have come a long way.
I need to do my laundry, organize the room, do a smudging and meditate. A cleansing bath as well.
I’ll be back later probably