THE POWER and the MADNESS in the mania... just BLEW my 24 inch guns out, BROTHER

That just means it had a really strong foundation! If it happened quickly there wouldn’t have been enough time for it to last!

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Exactly. It’s a lifelong process.

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Pagan Poetry is also one of my all time fav songs. I hope you get better.

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Has a dream that this guy was talking about some kind of dimension that has sentience. My bf heard and started talking to him. He told him about a hotel that has a portal to this dimension, so we went to check it out.

We go inside the house and on the first night I felt drawn to it and wanted to stay for a long time despite it’s obvious creepiness and bad feeling. My dream layout turned into a Silent Hill game, and there was a big rotting hole in the wall, which was the portal that opened up for us because it sensed that we knew of it’s existence and we’re looking for it.

Afterwards I snapped out of whatever spell I was under and begged my bf to get me the fuck out.

My coworker heard about it a week later and wanted to see if so my boyfriend drive us there again. I was being extremely bitchy to him. I remember apologizing and saying sorry because I didn’t know why I was acting like that.

We get to the hotel and the whole house has been awakened to transition into a darker and creepier version of itself due to the portal being open inside. I started freaking out and begged them to take me home, that I refused to stay another night.

He was annoyed but said okay, and we left, never to return.

Just thinking about it is giving me this awful sense of dread that I felt in my dream.

Man.

I was also at work in another dream and a customer started talking in prose about Aleister Crowley. She said that I looked like the type who would know.

Okay, man, I’m fucking going back to sleep.

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Man, that was a weird dream.

It’s my day off so I am going to spend time reading about lucid dreaming. I joined a lucid dreaming subreddit, so hopefully reading through it will become such a daily habit that I’m more likely to become lucid in my dreams. I also need to remember to do reality checks all day.

I came up with the idea to set alarms that will go off throughout the day that just say, “Am I dreaming?”

One thing that does kinda freak me out is the concern that I will have a lucid nightmare and not know how to get out of it, lmao.

I am trying to avoid feeding into this fear, and instead of telling myself it won’t happen, I tell myself that I should probably face whatever creepy fucked up shit is going on in said lucid dream rather than run away from it. The entire purpose of this, for me, is to uncover hidden fears and grow stronger from them.

I never thought about it before until it was brought up to me on the forum that I ground myself every time I do yoga outside. Realizing this, I believe a morning yoga session is fantastic, but doing a calming, nightime yoga sesh before bed would do wonders for me as well. I will light candles and make it dreamy.

I was invited to a coworkers birthday party. Everyone at my job will be there.

I am not a party person. I don’t enjoy going out and spending time with most people because I find socializing draining. I am a pure introvert.

I also don’t smoke or drink, and everyone at my work place does.

I was thinking of showing up for a short amount of time to make an appearance and give him a present, then dip when I have had enough.

Since I must be honest with myself, I have been battling social anxiety for most of my teenage and adult life. Maybe its due to being bullied in school, but when I am invited to a party, my mind instantly believes it’s a pity invite and that no one actually wants me there, so I don’t go in order to avoid that feeling of otherness that I frequently experience when I’m in social situations.

I spent a majority of my life, so far, alone in my room. I barely even socialized with my family. I was always alone, and everyone let me remain isolated for years. I was happy in my solitude, and I really haven’t done much socializing since.

I know that I am fun to be around and people genuinely enjoy my company, but those old fears always come creeping back up when I am invited somewhere.

I think I must go, if only to fuck my fears in the face and walk away a stronger person.

I will not overthink this anymore. I decided that I will show up with a present and leave when my little introvert heart can’t take any more socializing.

Today is a day of study and relaxation. I’ll also look into some yoga certification programs.

I hope everyone is well.

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I am! That was a wild dream it sounds like

I think I mentioned this as well!

I love this lol
Like I’ve said before you’re doing great! You have a relationship and a semi stable job and your mental health is above average imo since you have great awareness so keep going man!

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Yes, I was talking about you, because you are the one who brought this to my attention. I was like o shit he right

Lmao

I am glad you are doing well, friend.

Thank you so much for the kind words.

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Np! Can I ask if you are a more feminine guy on purpose (i.e trainingor just naturally feminine bodied)? I legitimately thought you were a girl when you posted the pics of your ritual altar lol so if it’s on purpose you’re doing really well and your bf is lucky lol

I actually am a girl. My username is misleading. It’s the name of a band I love. I don’t mind people thinking I’m a guy because I don’t particularly feel that I match either side. It’s my androgynous nature.

Thank you I am flattered :slight_smile:

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Ooooh well that explains my complete confusion :sweat_smile:

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Hehe don’t worry about it.

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Yeah either way your bf is lucky lol :hugs: im interested to know how long you’ve been practicing though :thinking: i haven’t had time to read your whole journal so I apologize if this has been covered :sweat_smile:

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If you want to break free from your anxiety you must leave your comfort zone sooner or later… I also experience many of your problems but I’m going with the RHP

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Well, I discovered magick when I was 14. I stumbled upon various websites dedicated to the teachings of theistic Satanism, and I have indentified as a Satanist ever since. I have always done rites for Satan who I view as the whole.

I ended up becoming addicted to psych meds and dug myself into a hole for a long time. I did shrooms one day and realized how beautiful life can be, and had the idea to look up a list of demons in July 2019. I’ve basically been working on myself ever since.

I initiated through half of the Qlippoth in a month (drunkenly, so unfortunately I don’t have any journalling or much detailed recollection) so I believe that is a big reason why I improved so drastically in such a short amount of time. I was extremely depressed and paranoid and addicted to meds, so to be here already is a big deal for me.

How long have you practiced?

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Personally, I do not view them as problems. I simply must acknowledge that there are thoughts that go through my mind that I need not identify with.

You don’t need to give every thought that much power.

It’s okay to have feelings of anxiety and inadequacy, so as long as you understand that they don’t have to be a part of who you are, and you can live your life anyway. Eventually, you can keep these thoughts from occuring in the first place, but there’s nothing wrong with having them if you don’t allow them to take control.

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I’ve been here in the forum for 4 years but I’ve only practiced around two months. Even then it hasn’t been consistent :sweat_smile:

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Omfg this had been a huge blessing when I learned this! It was so distressing having thoughts that I hated to through my head but when I realized that I am only responsible for the thoughts that I ruminate on life had been great!

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Yes exactly. You don’t have to give every single little thought that goes on in your mind that much attention. Acknowledge that it is there, accept it, and allow it to fade away. Remain the objective observer.

I understand the on and off thing. I still feel like a beginner because I’ve taken a lot of breaks from doing rituals and stuff, but I have always focused on bettering my mental health and facing my fears as it is my main focus. I’d like to get more into spells, so I’m going to buy supplies for it.

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I just drank some chamomile tea mixed with my dream elixir, and then had a cup of calea zacatechichi tea mixed with a fruit and ginger tea. It was very potent despite the fact that I only used a tsp of the herb, though I steeped it for a long time in not much water.

Truly unpleasant, and I had some sour airhead bites to get rid of the taste.

The combination of sleepy/lucid tea, elixir, and sugar should produce some interesting dreams.

I’ll report back with any results.

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I had those kinds of dreams that were too weird for me to figure out how to put into words, or else I’d write them here. Oh well. Shit was odd.

I did a wrist strength and shoulder mobility yoga session today. I felt relaxed and limber afterwards, and did 25 positive affirmations that I will continue to do every day before work. It definitely had a positive effect on my day at work.

I kept pulling myself back when I’d get the urge to complain or get frustrated, which I haven’t been able to do for the last two or three weeks.

There is a family friend who I am going to hook up with who is a yoga instructor. I’m going to join one of her classes and then chat with her afterwards about what she did to get certified and all that stuff. I’ve never done an in person yoga class so I’m really excited.

It was a great day.

I also ate light before work which helped me out. I had an avocado, a banana, and a smoothie. I think eating too heavy of foods before work really slowed me down and made it hard for me to focus. I’ll eat a heftier meal before bed rather than before work.

Anyway, I’m going to chill then sleep. I hope everyone is well.